Because 2400 Is Too Many
written by Jon, B, Kyle, Justin and Bill - January 16, 2026
FOX PUTS AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL IN ITS PLACE
SEASON 4
At some point during season 4, a suspect is brought into CTU for questioning. Like most suspects brought into CTU for questioning, this one allegedly has valuable information and he refuses to give it up! Normally Jack Bauer would question the guy, get nowhere, jam a pencil through his dick and get the name or number or location or whatever, but this time someone decided to throw a wrench into the works.
Now, if there are two things we'd been conditioned to assume about terrorists being brought in for questioning prior to season 4, they are that
1. Torture is always the most effective way to extract information from a suspect
and
2. Jack Bauer is never wrong
Applying the above logic, anyone who impedes Jack Bauer from getting down to business is immediately to be disliked and brandished as an enemy to democracy. And what better way to illustrate this point than by taking those jerks from Amnesty to task! For too long, their beaurucratic pencil pushing and absurd insistance on upholding the basic fundementals of "human rights" have been gumming up the works. Kudos to the writers of "24" and the FOX network for having the stones call these jokesters out and expose them for being the crooked organization of terrorist sympathizers they really are!
As if not wanting to see his client end up with his balls driven through his face isn't enough, this smarmy asshole seems to exude that sort of smug sense of self-satisfaction one only attains through throwing up a bunch of beuarucratic red tape in an attempt to keep hard working Americans in a state of perpetual terror, and in effect bringing democratic process to a grinding halt. If I've taken anything away from my experiences with "24" it is that international law just doesn't work.
Fifteen minutes after being released, Jack Bauer finds the guy in the parking lot and breaks the fuck out of his fingers. Take that, international law!
- Justin
THE SHORTEST RUSSIAN ROULETTE GAME EVER
SEASON 3
This is possibly my favorite Russian roulette scene ever. It's the only time I can recall a guy dying on the first (technically second) shot.
At least it's better than Soviet Roulette. In Soviet Roulette the otherwise-empty chambers are loaded with now-independent nations that were once incorporated with the Kremlin. You can't win.
- Jon
ALL-AMERICAN ARABS
SEASON 4
"24" goes out of its way to paint Arabs as an ethnicity of violent, hateful murderers. Even when we think an Arab character is going to be good or sympathetic or maybe even just a background passer-by who doesn't wish the main characters any immediate harm, they pull out a gun or a bomb or something and start stirring shit.
For some reason this negative portrayal of their people managed to upset some folks, so FOX went about shoehorning in a scene featuring a couple of all-American Arabs who'd owned a gun shop (what an American business!!!) and decided to stand beside Jack Bauer as he fought other... evil Americans. I guess the intention was to show us that HEY GUYS NOT ALL OF THEM WANT TO BLOW YOUR CAR UP WITH A SUITCASE BOMB! SOME OF THEM ARE PRETTY ARTICULATE! Like, the only way it could've seen more awkward and forced is if they had the brothers wearing "USA A-OK" t-shirts and big foam "AMERICA #!" fingers, while calling Jack "pardner."
- Justin
INTERNET KID SAYS THAT TERRORISTS
ARE
GOING TO CORRUPT THE INTERNET
SEASON 4
24 has never been known for its exacting detail on computer matters. But usually they try to stick to vaguely defined government software so that we can sort of assume that whatever opening a socket is, that's how it works over there. This is the best policy, as once they start talking about real world technology, we get 1337 kiddies stumbling upon some sort of Internet corrosive agent while FTPing 0-day warez off a Microsoft server.
Bonus addendum to this moment: a couple episodes later, as the terrorists prepare to broadcast Heller's execution live online, someone in the White House gravely intones that "we can’t shut down the Internet without disabling the command and control functions of the government." And the president was so close to pushing that big CLOSE INTERNET button too.
- Bill
MASON HAS HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF "IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO DIE" THIS AND "IS MY HUSBAND GOING TO DIE" THAT
SEASON 1
Granted, George Mason is an asshole. But in what quasi-military agency is some lady allowed to go walking around and hassling random people?
It seems to me that the character of George Mason was a major inspiration for Hugh Laurie's character in "House". Teri is lucky he didn't say something like "you know what I like about being crazy? BREAKING ALL THE RULES!!!" and then hitting her in the face with a baseball bat coated in Pepto-Bismol.
- Jon
JACK ROBS MINI-MART
SEASON 4
Regardless of the situation he finds himself in, Jack Bauer always has an out in yelling "I AM A FEDERAL AGENT" at people untill they comply out of fear for this crazy man with a messenger bag snapping a neck. Take this season 4 situation in which Jack has to stall a terrorist from reaching his destination, and the only logical course of action is to endanger the lives of ten other people by robbing a convenience store! It's pretty hilarious that he's got no course of action besides yelling and waving a gun around, and what should be a long, drawn-out affair neatly resolves itself within the hour. The best part of the whole sequence is when the terrorist in question tries to present himself as a hero and sprays Jack in the face with air freshener or something. The man who stops his own heart at will is to be warded off by a can of Tropical Breeze Glade.
After the incident is over and the cops catch up with him, he just yells about being a FEDERAL AGENT and within seconds, he's back on the terrorist trail!
- Justin
MORRIS O'BRIEN
SEASON 5
OH NO A VITAL FUNCTION NEEDS TO BE PERFORMED AND WE DO NOT HAVE THE REQUIRED MANPOWER!
WAIT YOU MEAN YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WHO CAN GET THE JOB DONE?
OH OF COURSE HE HAS A SORDID PAST WITH ONE OF OUR PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS
I think by the final few hours of season 5, the entire writing staff just told logic to fuck off and decided to write in the most nonsensical character they could possibly imagine. Morris is a woman's shoe salesman with black market connections, a charming accent, a snappy one-liner for any situation and a failed marriage to Chloe.
- Justin
JACK STABS DR. LIAR IN NECK
WITH A PAIR OF FORCEPS
SEASON 5
I have no idea why you would try to kill someone, especially Jack Bauer, without bothering to finish swallowing your jelly donut first.
This is certainly one of the cooler Bauer kills. It's clear that after the first shove into the guy's neck that he's incapacitated, but Jack decides to give it another whack anyway. What resulted was one of the most graphic deaths I can remember seeing on television. Dude looked like Jack gave him a piece of Pee-Wee's trick gum.
- Jon
YOU HAD BETTER CHECK YUSUF
BEFORE YOU WRECK YUSUF
SEASON 2
Yusuf harkens back to a simpler time when International espionage was a gentleman's affair. Though he'd rather resolve his disputes with a simple exchange of dialogue, he's not afraid to crack a skull when the time comes. However, what seperates him from the Jack Bauers of the world is his insistance that the ladies don't watch him indulging his primal side. He's got a reputation to maintain, after all.
Yusuf was also the show's coolest anscillary character up to that point. Within a short few episodes we'd accepted him as kicking ass with the same degree of efficency as Jack, and couldn't wait to see what sort of adventures the two of them would embark upon for not only the remainder of that day, but further days to some.
motherfucker got curbed by some ignant crackas instead
- Justin
RAMON KILLS HECTOR
SEASON 3
I liked Hector for two reasons. One was his "WE HAVF TO TRUS BOWWWUR" line he must have said a dozen times throughout the season. The guy couldn't say anything with a casual inflection. The other was that frown of his that you see in this video when he stares down Ramon. It was the proudest frown I've ever seen. It's an "I'm not going to let you berate me for choosing to ram 200 sunflower seeds in my mouth" sort of look.
Of all the villains in 24, these two were possibly the most likeable, with the possible exception of Season Four's Terror Family. They didn't really have any positive qualities, but their relationship and their motivations were defined very well as opposed to the "well this is another guy Jack knew in Kosovo who wants to kill everyone in the United States because some of his friends died" rabbit they pulled out of the hat later in the year.
- Jon
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