Because 2400 Is Too Many
written by Jon, B, Kyle, Justin and Bill - January 16, 2026
JACK STORMS TERROR FORTRESS
SEASON 4
An otherwise straight friend of mine remarked that the first ten minutes of this episode gave him a giant boner, and I couldn't really dispute his reasons. Jack kills approximately twenty men as if he's playing "terrorist hunt" on Rainbow Six. Nevermind that these terrorists seem to be paying rent at a giant fortress, not only within American borders, but within a half-hour of CTU. None of that is important.
Jack makes his way in and manages to rescue Secretary of Defense Heller, who you get the impression is Jack thirty years down the road minus most of the personal torment. Taking a page directly from the plot of King's Quest VI, Jack manages to sneak his girlfriend Audrey a knife through the wall of her prison cell (not shown because if you want to see Audrey crying you can just watch any other moment on this list involving Audrey). And just like in the video game, she manages to deal a fatal blow to the head bad guy.
And what gratitude does Jack get from Heller? Not much, really. In fact, next season Heller walks up and throat-chops Jack into submission. A seventy-something old codger, just walking up and cold-cocking Jack Bauer. He's the only guy who can do that, and I guess if the opportunity presented itself to be able to say I beat up Jack Bauer, I'd take it. Even if he turned into damn Max Payne Ding Chavez Prince Alexander to save my ass.
- Jon
HEY GUYS, LET'S SHOW EVERYBODY ELISHA CUTHBERT'S NIPPLES AGAIN
SEASON 2
Well, you can't have a 24 episode without them.
UNLESS YOU'RE IN SEASON 4 WOOOOOOOOOOO
- B
GAEL TAKES A POWDER
SEASON 3
Gael was a pretty boring character. His first role was that of the red herring. We were to believe he was YET ANOTHER mole who'd managed to ascend the ranks of CTU (which were pretty stringant, considering they'd hired Kim Bauer!) to a position of authority. When it turned out that he was just a FAKE MOLE, we were kind of relieved that they weren't treading old water again, but really, he was still a pretty crappy character. His death was pretty lame, too. The bomb with the virus was on the other side of an industrial fan and instead of manning up by taking one for the team, he tried to gingerly slide his hand underneath, like when Homer couldn't reach the pizza place so he picked up a stick to extend his reach. He ends up eating a face full of virus and dies shortly thereafter.
What makes this moment great is how I'd jumped on AIM immediately afterward to discuss it with Jon, who hadn't been watching due to a prior commitment. I didn't know this of course, which prompted the following conversation:
Keasbey Mornings: More like Die-el!
Boiskov: You son of a bitch.
- Justin
TONY SUSTAINS FIRST OF MANY SEASON-LONG INJURIES
SEASON 2
Here, it's the broken ankle. Next year, he gets shot in the neck. A couple of years after that, he gets half his face blown off (which, by the way, is really funny when he takes off his bandage and says "LOOK AT ME I'M A MONSTER" and it looks like he fell off a skateboard or something).
Tony gets his ankle busted in the first place because he refuses to accept the core tenant of fighting terrorism: to always, always accept Jack Bauer's opinions and actions because he is always right. Jack can be sitting on the table in the situation room playing his Game Boy and puffing annoyingly on a noisemaker every five seconds while you're trying to conduct a meeting. Just let him do his thing.
Of course, Tony assumes a bad attitude and becomes stricken with a terrible case of whiny-face that sticks with him until the end of his time on the show. You rarely see Tony actually in control of a situation. He responds to this by being cranky and annoyed at everybody. Sorry everybody, but he's a shithead.
- Jon
JACK BAUER WILL NOT SUFFER DONUT EATERS
JAPANESE COMMERCIAL
In a marketing move that many have called "visionary," "brilliant" and "haha what," the makers of Calorie Mate decided the best way to sell their cakey, prepackaged meal substitute was to associate it with some of the world's greatest fictional badasses. Thus, an extended advertising tie-in with 24 was born, complete with billboard ads, a website, and a series of television commercials. I encourage you to find them all (this guy has five out of the six), as each is bizarrely brilliant in its own way, from Jack running awkwardly to keep the Calorie Mate box in frame to Jack in full WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME mode stuffed into a subway full of giggling schoolgirls. People deserve awards for this.
- Bill
MICHELLE DOES NOT APPRECIATE DISOBEDIENT CITIZENS
SEASON 3
For my money ($7.21/hr) Reiko Aylesworth is the most attractive woman in the three year run of 24. Sure, Elisha Cuthbert is the Men's Magazine go-to girl, with tits thirty-six sizes larger than her torso and asscheeks you could use to crack nuts made out of Now-&-Laters and diamond. But she's got bright yellow hair and black eyebrows. She wakes up every single morning and is masturbated to every single afternoon with bright yellow hair and black eyebrows. I don't understand it. This combination destroys every attempt I have made to find her as attractive as I should. I'm not saying she isn't white hot. She is. But she unnerves me. She makes this as a conscious decision. Maybe I'm the only person on the fucking planet who has heard of the "color wheel" and maybe I'm the only person who assumes the suspension of disbelief required to prefer blondes ends with the pubis on display. Dammit, I've set standards for myself. And they don't include ignoring a minor and inconsequential detail in the pursuit of celebrity vag.
Reiko is also more attractive to me than what I like to call "the rest." Teri Bauer, Nina Myers, Kate and Marie Warner, whoever it is Jack is face plowing in the commercials for season 4. Okay, take like 1980 David Bowie. Pick a hair color and put it in a ponytail. Now have him wear loose-fitting blouses and make a squinty face, and go "Jack? JACK?" That's who these women are. JACK JACKS. Some are better than others (I wouldn't insult any actress by accusing her of being like Kate Warner), but the song remains the same. Jack is into Ethiopian teen boys who have rolled in flour and are poised to bring him harm. Nobody is perfect.
So yeah, Reiko spent two seasons behind a desk at CTU as Michelle Dessler/Almeida, mild-mannered but importantly helpful A-jersey wearing member of the squad. When somebody needed a password or wanted something "patched through" to wherever-else, Michelle was there to do her job and put up with whatever time-soaking melodrama was going on at CTU while Jack was taking a dump or eating a sandwich.
Then, out of nowhere, there is a vial of AIDSTHRAX in a hotel and Michelle is called into action. She swoops in, beats some ass (!!) and gets the situation under control. That is, until a disruptive innocent decides he doesn't want to be quarantined and tries to leave the building. Michelle warns him. She warns him again. She tells him she's going to shoot him. He is the kind of smug fuckhole who is walking around in your place of business, is asked if he needs help, declines, and then immediately asks you a question. Michelle shoots his ass.
And I cheer.
- B
JANET DIES
SEASON 1
Janet York has been date raped, had her arm broken, been almost raped or killed or licked or something by a lurching creep, been saved from said creep by a sprightly homosexual—before being run over by a car, only to lie motionless on an L.A. street for an indeterminate amount of time. She’s in a bad way. So it comes as some relief that her father finally shows up at the hospital toNO WAIT he kills her. Alan York, concerned father and former Sentinel, is just some dude, and a bad one at that; suddenly, everything changes. This is the moment you realize that you can’t take anything for granted in 24.
Meanwhile, Teri’s waiting innocently outside, setting off a chain of events that will lead to preposterous amnesia and Jack rocking the shit out of not-Alan York (real name: Kevin Carroll).
- Kyle
JACK EATS BREAKFAST
SEASON 5
Either Jack has been shoveling food down his throat every other commercial break all this time and we're just now catching him in the act, or he only has to eat once every five seasons. We saw him eating pureed terrorist remains or Vienna sausage or something out of a jar in Season One (part of moment #22 of this list).
I don't know. You know how God created the Earth in six days, but to us it was supposedly millions of years? Maybe to Jack, our hours are his seconds. Maybe after what seems like years to us, it's just Jack's lunchtime. If this is the case, stop whining about your time in the Chinese prison you pussy.
- Jon
HELLER TRIES TO ESCAPE FROM CAPTURE
SEASON 4
Over the past five seasons, pretty much everyone has taken a shot at trying to be as badass as Jack Bauer. Some are more successful than others (see: Ronnie Lobell), but the only one who really managed to do it is Secretary of Defense James Heller. Some might say Curtis, but let's face it. Despite a promising start he's been relegated to the position of backup, and not to mention Jack once knocked him out with a single elbow. Meanwhile Heller has not only throatpunched Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it, he lived to tell about it after driving his car off a cliff.
Heller's attempted escape from the terrorists who captured him was the first time we really got to see this side of him in action. Instead of being some stuffy codger who's been in Washington too long and sits in a cell to wait as generic rescue bait, we get a hardass who proves he can still kill terrorists with the best of them. This is what Jack Bauer will be like in 30 years.
If there's one thing the people at 24 have excelled at, it's finding just the right actors for each part, no matter how big or small. William Devane was approaching 70 when this was filmed, yet you have no problem believing this guy could kill you by pissing on you if he felt like it.
- Bill
JACK GOES TO SLEEP
SEASON 1
A minute ago you saw Jack eating breakfast. Now you get to see him sleeping. As I recall this is the only time in the last five years he's fallen asleep, unless you want to count the times he's been knocked out or dead. It's like in "The Man Who Would Be King" when Sean Connery starts bleeding and all the natives realize he isn't God. Only instead of angry bloodthirsty villagers, Jack is in the company of some dumpy waitress.
I love the commentary here. In popular culture, we like to consider the plight of the average guy or girl. You know, the construction worker with the crappy home life, or the waitress who's made one two many wrong turns in the transit system of life. Well fuck you, DUI lady! I've been up for 24 hours straight trying to simultaneously save my family from certain death and preserve the future of American political history, and you're all "we've all got problems in this crazy topsy-turvy world!" Oh fuck off. As long as you're crying a river put my glass under your face. I sure as hell can't get you to fill my drink any other way.
- Jon
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