70. Dae Han
Film: "Best of the Best" (1989)
Defining moment: Dae Han is pushed the entire
movie (through vignettes) as the most bad ass master of bad
assitude in all of South Korea. But his defining moment comes
after getting a complete shitkicking from USA team member Tommy
Lee (who lost a brother to Dae Han's leet tai kwan voodo). Tommy
refuses to use his Limit Break on a prone Dae Han, and time runs
out, causing the American team to lose on points. At the medal
ceremony Dae Han gives up his medal to Tommy, proving that even
heartless deadly soup-boned South Koreans can be understanding
human beings. I blame "Best of the Best" for the
wonderful relationship we share in our day to day lives with our
favorite South Korean friend or neighbor.
Memorable quote: "To
save a life in defeat is to earn victory and honour within. Your
brother too, was a great fighter. I deeply regret your loss, and
I offer myself as your brother."
69. State Trooper Rodney Farva
Film: "Super Troopers" (2001)
Defining moment: Fat, stupid, awkward Farva,
desperate to fit in with his other highway patrolmen, bugs his
partner Thorny to engage him in one of the various games they
play with each other while at work. Thorny relents, finally
trying to explain to Farva "The Cat Game." Farva,
unable to grasp the humor of the game, ends the scene by running
up to a car and saying, "license and registration. . . .
CHICKEN FUCKER."
Memorable quote: "Just cleaning out the
old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her. . . I
guess you could say that about all my girls."
68. Papa
Film: "Panda! Go Panda!" (1972)
Defining moment: Watching "Panda! Go
Panda!" is like being on drugs, but some strange kind of
candy drug that doesn't do you any harm outside of making you
into an otaku vagina. The best moment in the short films is Papa,
his legit son Panny (from some absent Panda Mother), and his
adopted, human daughter using Papa's large bed to float around in
a flooded town. Then they save some circus animals, and there's a
whole thing about Papa stopping a train with his BEAR hands, and
everybody's doing handstands...just believe me that Papa Panda is
big, fat, crazy, and totally deserving of a spot on the list.
Memorable quote: "And the bamboo is
especially nice!"
67. Garth Algar
Film: "Wayne's World" (1992) "Wayne's World 2 (1993)
Defining moment: Garth, feeling left out and
betrayed by his best friend, has a private moment with Mr.
Doughnut-Head Man in Stan Mikita's. A close second to this is the
scene in which a robotic hand Garth was toiling with comes to
life in the middle of his conversation with Benjamin, and must be
beaten into submission. Oh yeah, and Garth continuing to lip
synch to "Bohemian Rhapsody" even though it's obvious
he doesn't know the words.
Memorable quote: "If Benjamin were an
ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick."
66. T-Rex
Film: "Jurassic Park" (1993) Other gymnast-girl heavy sequels I pretend don't
exist (other years)
Defining moment: EATING PEOPLE. From age birth
to age 13 I was a dinosaur enthusiast. This movie came out, the
dinosaurs looked real, and UNG UNG UNG SPLOOOOOOGE all of my love
of dinosaurs came ejaculating like Speed Racer zipping past the
Mammoth Car into my hand. From this point on dinosaurs have never
been reproduced so accurately (even in sequels) or made to be
this cool. People be all, "You ain't so great T-Rex,"
and T-Rex be eatin' they shit.
Memorable quote: "ROAR"
65. Jules Winnfield
Film: "Pulp Fiction" (1994)
Defining moment: Samuel L. Jackson toiled in
Spike Lee bit-player obscurity for a lot of years. But the scene
that made him, that gave him the inherent cool no matter how many
"Formula 51s" he makes or how many times he gets eaten
by a shark, is the scene when we first hear this speech:
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by
the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is
truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I
will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger
those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And
you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon
thee."
Awesome.
Memorable quote: "It's the one with
'bad motherfucker' written on it."
64. Gamera
Film: (original) "Gamera" (1965) (most recently) "Gamera: Guardian of the
Universe" (1995) and it's sequels.
Defining moment: Gamera is a giant monster
turtle with rockets in his ass who flies around to help out kids.
I like to think his defining moment was during the "pen
pal" episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse, where Pee-wee's
Japanese pen pal segues into Gamera footage, followed by Pee-wee
making crazy faces, laughing, and then talking to an
anthropomorphic piece of furniture.
Memorable quote: "ROAR"
63. Scott Evil
Film: "Austin Powers: International Man of
Mystery" (1997) "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged
Me" (1999) "Austin Powers in Goldmember" (2002)
Defining moment: B says it's in
"Goldmember" when it's revealed that Scott runs like a
girl. I personally think it's his masterfully executed "bu.
. . I jus. . . would y. . . "s in the "zip it"
scene of "The Spy Who Shagged Me." Damn, that's a lot
of quotation marks.
Memorable quote: "A trillion's more
than a billion, numbnuts."
62. Judas
Film: "Jesus Christ Superstar" (1973)
Defining moment: Whichever was the first moment
in which he stood with his legs just slightly more than shoulder
width apart, half-squatted, pointed one index finger righteous in
the air, and wailed.
Memorable quote: "JESSSUUUUUUUSSSS!!!!"
61. Bob Harris
Film: "Lost in Translation" (2003)
Defining moment: The Bill Murray/Scarlett
Johansson relationship is one of my favorite in all of film,
because it's so rare that you find two people who connect in a
very tangible way who aren't driven through exposition for an
hour and then put in a position to be naked and thrusting on
camera. They hang out in a hotel room, lay in the bed talking to
each other, and in a moment he reaches down and puts his hand on
her foot. And there in my seat at the movie theater my heart
jumps 3 sizes and I am totally and utterly in love with being
alive again. See? Reassure me once in a while and I'm fine with
your fast car movies and Black Family Vacations.
Memorable quote: "The more you know who
you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset
you."
60. Lydia Deets
Film: "Beetlejuice" (1988)
Defining Moment: Lydia, having survived a
haunted house, forced attempt at marriage to "the ghost with
the most," and her "Goth phase," floats happily
through her home dancing to "Shake Senora" with some
poltergeist football players. Personal fun fact: years later I
went to a play which featured a nun and four alter boys lip
synching to "Shake Senora" while moving props around on
stage between acts. Good times.
Memorable quote: "I myself am... strange and unusual."
59. Marty McFly
Film: "Back to the Future" (1985) "Back to the Future Part II" (1989) "Back to the Future Part III" (1990)
Defining moment: Time-traveling Young Republican
Michael J. Fox forgets that hoverboards don't work on water
unless you've got power, and is subsequently reminded of this
fact by an Asian gangmember who steals the scene so radically
that many televisions explode from the futuristically efficient
awesomeness exuded.
Memorable quote: "Wait a minute, Doc.
Ah... Are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a
DeLorean?"
58. Jefferson Smith
Film: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" (1939)
Defining moment: Desperately clinging to his
naive belief that one man can make a difference, Senate
hole-filler Smith launches into and refuses to relinquish a
movie-ending filibuster. After what seems like an eternity of
emotions (of which Jimmy Stewart goes through almost all), he
collapses into a big pile of paper, giving us an endearing and
lasting film image to be loved and overly parodied, all the while
teaching every one of those actors in the room a lesson that they
are chumps and assholes for even PLAYING crooked Senators in
Stewart's presence.
Memorable quote: "Just get up off the
ground, that's all I ask. Get up there with that lady that's up
on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty.
Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want
to see something. And you won't just see scenery; you'll see the
whole parade of what Man's carved out for himself, after
centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just
jungle law, fighting so's he can stand on his own two feet, free
and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color,
or creed. That's what you'd see. There's no place out there for
graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties.
And, uh, if that's what the grownups have done with this world
that was given to them, then we'd better get those boys' camps
started fast and see what the kids can do. And it's not too late,
because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me,
or anything else. Great principles don't get lost once they come
to light. They're right here; you just have to see them again!"
57. Charles Foster Kane
Film: "Citizen Kane" (1941)
Defining Moment: We'd like to take this space to
admit that we know what a good movie is, and we know important
films from fluff. Yes, Kane is much more of an achievement than
some of the films, both higher and lower, on this list. But we
don't care. This is our list, not the AFI's. We don't need you to
e-mail and tell us who we forgot. See? We put Citizen Kane on
this list. Are you happy? Excuse me, I need to go find a screen
cap from Drop Dead Fred.
Memorable quote: Uh. . . "Rosebud."
Yeah. . .
56. Grim Reaper
Film: "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" (1991)
Defining moment: Bill and Ted are dead and want
another chance at life, so they chance a game with the Grim
Reaper. They beat him at Battleship, which pisses him off, so he
calls best two-out-of-three. They beat the Reaper at Clue and
Twister. Reaper calls for a best of seven. Then he just gives up,
helps the boys and an alien from Heaven build good robot Bill and
Ted, and then they all have a band together.
Memorable quote: "Don't overlook my
butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of
calories."
55. Veruca Salt
Film: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory" (1971)
Defining Moment: Her musical number. As the only
child in the film who got her own song, Veruca had to make it
count. Despite little to no vocal talent, she sells the hell out
of it. There's cellophane flinging, hair pulling, oompa loompa
maneuvering, and it all ends with her falling down the shoot
'cause she was "a bad egg."
Memorable quote: "I want a party with
roomfuls of laughter, ten thousand tons of ice cream. And if I
don't get the things I am after, I'm going to scream."
54. El Santo
Film: Almost sixty films, including "Santo
vs. The Zombies" (1961) "Santo Attacks the Witches" (1964) "Santo vs. the Martian Invasion" (1966) and "Santo vs. the Murderer of TV" (1981)
Defining moment: Santo is a luchador (Mexican
professional wrestler in a mask) who fights monsters and other
luchadors. ĦEl actuar impresionante!
Memorable quote: "Raquel Rodriguez es
una abogada de Los Angeles" Destinos++
53. Tajomaru
Film: "Rashomon" (1950)
Defining Moment: Anything and everything he
does. I dunno why the hell I put him so far up this list.
Memorable quote: Everything Toshiro Mifune said
in his career was a memorable quote. He is to acting what Jesus
is to staying black and dying.
52. Jan Brady
Film: "The Brady Bunch Movie" (1995) "A Very Brady Sequel" (1996)
Defining moment: When called upon to bring the
qualities of Eve Plumb's television character to life on the big
screen, actress Jennifer Elise Cox takes the most bizarre,
art-house approach, and it TOTALLY WORKS. Playing Jan as an
insane, neurotic, schizophrenic psychopath beneath basically two
and a half inches of sugar and stability, and her greatest
non-afro moment comes in Guidance Counselor RuPaul's office. When
asked if she's the middle child, Jan goes through a minute long
internal dialogue amongst the voices in her brain, before looking
off vacantly into the distance and shouting "YES, I'M IN THE
MIDDLE."
Memorable quote: *in her mind* "Let's
knock over a 7-11!"
51. Lt. Dan Taylor
Film: "Forrest Gump" (1994)
Defining Moment: After losing his legs and
turning into one of those creepy vets you avoid eye contact with
on the street, Lt. Dan finally gets out all he needs to say to
God, in the midst of a hurricane aboard Forrest's shrimpin' boat.
After that, he's finally at peace. And then he gets new legs.
LIEUTENANT DAN YOU GOT MAGIC LEGS LOL!!1
Memorable quote: "Well kiss my crippled
ass. God is listening? What a crock of shit."
50. Penny Lane
Film: "Almost Famous" (2000)
Defining moment: Penny (a groupie) has just been
arguing in the woods with William about how she's been
"traded" to another band for a case of beer. Crying,
she turns, wipes a tear, smiles, and says the words "What
kind of beer?" You don't even need to know the context. The
shot, her face, the moment, it's all completely perfect. It's so
beautiful it's beyond words, one of those intangible moments of
wonder in life that is never, ever duplicated on film. The words
don't matter. The emotions and the feelings don't really matter,
either. They're just there, and they're beautiful, and neither of
them really know it yet. People on the verge of loving
themselves. Absolutely brilliant. Kate Hudson has so many
wonderful scenes in the movie (waving goodbye at the airport,
dancing by herself to Cat Stevens, and on and on) that she has at
least five or six more shitty rom-coms in her before I start
disliking her.
Memorable quote: "Look - you should be
happy for me. You don't know what he says to me in private. Maybe
it is love - as much as it can be..."
49. Mr. Pink
Film:
"Reservoir Dogs" (1992)
Defining Moment: The restaurant scene. The scene
that defines my life as a food serving drone. You should all pay
attention. And tip at least 15%, fuckers.
Memorable quote: "I'm very sorry the
government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my
fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many
groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look,
if you ask me to sign something that says the government
shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for
it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college
bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause
if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a
big fuckin' surprise."
48. Tetsuo
Film: "Akira" (1988)
Defining moment: Always being underestimated and
underappreciated, Tetsuo and his giant forehead go absolutely and
certifiably APE-SHIT and make Neo-Tokyo E.X.P.L.O.D.E. And then
everything else goes over the heads of like 40% of the people
watching.
Memorable quote: "I...am Tetsuo."
47. Richard Gecko
Film: "From Dusk 'Till Dawn" (1996)
Defining moment: A lot of people give Tarantino
shit for trying to act, but I gotta say, I love him. I loved him
in this, and I loved him as Jimmie in "Pulp Fiction."
Anyway. . . Richie's character always walked a really thin line
between needlessly sweet, and creepy psycho. This was best
displayed in the hotel scene when convicted sex offender Richie
is left alone with the Gecko brothers' dowdy middle-aged hostage.
In his sweetest "I just wanna be your friend" voice,
Richie invites his captive to sit with him on the bed and watch
TV. Two scenes later, we see the lady naked, bloody, and
smothered by a pillow, on that same bed.
Memorable quote: "Mexicans."
46. Marlin
Film: "Finding Nemo" (2003)
Defining moment: The opening minutes of
"Finding Nemo" are some of the most depressing and
saddening you'll find on film. Marlin, a clown fish, loses his
mate and all but one of his yet-to-be-hatched children to a
predator. He clutches the damaged egg in his fin and swears that
he'll never let anything bad happen to it. And in like two
minutes we've established a bond deeper than a thousand episodes
of Full House. Telling the audience that one character loves
another is trite and easy. Showing it, especially in something as
random as fish, is unbelievable when accomplished well. Pixar
cements their growing spot as "American Ghibli."
Memorable quote: "Look, you're really
cute, but I can't understand what you're saying."
45. The Scarecrow
Film: "The Wizard of Oz" (1939)
Defining moment: It's the fuckin' Wizard of Oz
dude, you gotta go with "If I Only Had a Brain."
Sheesh.
Memorable quote: er. . . "If I only had
a brain."
44. Mitsuko Souma
Film: "Battle Royale" (2000)
Defining moment: Mitsuko is nuts. Like, a
package of nuts. Like John Cena pulled her out of his pants and
tossed them to somebody. But these nuts (deez nuts) are deadly
and will KILL YOU INHUMANELY if they touch you. Watching Mitsuko
attack people with a sickle or shoot them randomly with a smile
on her face is at the same time disturbing, a poignant statement
on culture, and a huge turn on. Mitsuko random appearances, full
of estrogen and bloodlust, are only a few of about twenty-billion
reasons why "Battle Royale" is one of the best movies
ever.
Memorable quote: "Die, ugly."
43. Lester Burnham
Film: "American Beauty" (1999)
Defining moment: As previously stated on this
site, I was a big fan of the scene in which Lester almost gets to
do it with the hot cheerleader he's been fantasizing about all
movie. I'm not sure today if it's because the construction of
this man's mid-life crisis was handled so beautifully that we the
audience are actually persuaded to root for him in his pursuit of
underaged depravity, or if it's because I had a raging hard-on
for Kevin Spacey back in the day, and when this movie came out I
was about Angela Hayes' age. I'm a perv.
Memorable quote: "You
don't get to tell me what to do ever again."
42. Indiana Jones
Film: "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (1984) "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" (1989)
Defining moment: Indiana Jones. Do I need to
really explain why he's on the list? It's hard to narrow down a
"defining" Indiana Jones moment, but my favorite is
head and shoulders above the rest: Trying to keep a diary that
reveals the location of the Holy Grail out of the hands of Nazis,
Indiana inadvertently ends up right in the middle of Nazi Germany
for a book burning. Indy procures the book, but gets turned
around until he's face to face with Adolph Hitler himself. Hitler
sees the Grail diary, takes it from Jones, autographs it, and
hands it back to him.
Memorable quote: "You want to talk to
God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to
do."
41. Mei Kusakabe
Film: "My Neighbor Totoro" (1988)
Defining Moment: Mei, in all her four year-old
glory, is upset about her mother and sister and all the things
that four year olds get upset about, and wanders from home. She
gets lost. When older sister Satsuki finally finds her, she's
sitting alone by a group of statues, pouting because she's scared
and alone and wants someone to find her. She is animated little
girl perfection.
Memorable Quote: "Father is a
florist."