It's time once again for sports season to resume, and that means the sudden influx of these motherfuckers. This thread is about veggie trays and veggie trays only. Take your cold shrimp tray discussion elsewhere. Leave your sandwich platter thoughts elsewhere. Veggie trays only, because veggie trays alone deserve our collective scorn and anger.
Veggie trays. Where to even begin. Oh, you brought a big ass tray of veggies to my house that no one is going to eat because we have a grill and chips and soda and other things people actually enjoy? Thanks a bunch! And the damned thing is so enormous that it takes up a whole shelf of my fridge? Awesome, I can't wait until tomorrow when I lose a whole shelf to a bunch of bullshit vegetables because nobody touched them and my wife can't bring herself to just chuck the sonofabitch straight into the garbage.
Bullshit vegetables that, I might add, you overpaid for. See, that tray cost you like seven bucks, which in vegetable money equals approximately one fuckton pounds of broccoli, carrots and celery. But because you needed a bigass plastic saucer to place them on, you get eight carrot slices, twelve tiny pieces of broccoli and four thousand pieces of celery that nobody is going to touch.
And that broccoli is the wrong damn color. See, broccoli is supposed to be green. Not brown. Not tan. Not gray. Already behind the eight ball in the whole "things people actually enjoy eating" game, you've somehow found a way to get broccoli that people are less inclined to eat. Add to this the fact that your veggie tray is going to come with a fourth random veggie that nobody can identify that was probably just some overstock shit laying around that you got stuck with because of the plastic force field that protected you from the veggies before they got to my house.
Oh, your veggie tray comes with ranch! How awesome, because nobody actually goes out and buys their own ranch any more. What a lifesaver. Without that tiny packet of ranch in the center, nobody would even considering eating those vegetables. And it comes in the tray upside down for some reason so that you either have to lose the plastic tray you just paid so much for or you have to maneuver the little bastard out while spilling veggies everywhere? How convenient!
And what ranch it is, too. Lighthouse. Great. Lighthouses are on the coast, and the people who know what ranch should taste like live in the center of the country. But don't let that tiny fact get you down. Let the godawful taste of Lighthouse Ranch get you down. I had no idea that the bottle of edible ranch in my fridge was missing a horrid aftertaste akin to several symptoms of a stroke to be complete! Lighthouse Ranch's success is based solely upon those tiny cups in the center of veggie trays, a place they seem to have some sort of monopolistic stranglehold on. And help everyone involved if your tray doesn't have Lighthouse, because Lighthouse is somehow the best possible option. What the fuck, Hidden Valley? You can't find a way to get in on this racket? Here's a suggestion: Just put your little container of ranch in the center of the trays rightside up and you'll corner the market in literally minutes.
Thanks so much for the veggie tray, it'll go great with the copious amounts of booze we'll be puking up later after our team loses.
Next time, just bring some damned salsa.
I tell myself not to do it, but in the end I can never help myself. Trawling the comments section of any given article will, at worst, evoke the grimmest feelings of societal loathing. On occasion, the cesspool collapses in on itself to reveal something gloriously, absurdly transcendent.
This guy sure doesn't stand for shit talk about V8.
Feel free to speculate further on the content of SMITHRALPH8's character, or post your own "found" comments.
Do you know how important it is to have a healthy heart? It is very important as the heart is one of the most important and weakest points in the human anatomy. If humans were video game bosses, the heart would be one of the two places that would start flashing with a floating "Hit Here Box" after the hero scored 3 strikes on the rest of your Mechabody. Did you know that your human Mechabody was designed solely to hold your vital heart and brain, so take care of them, and here is how! (Sorry, Brain Health Tips will come later, but you are already on your way to brain health by reading! Reading is the first step to Brain Health.)
via www.behindthevoiceactors.com
Or more accurately, 8 hours in every 24 hour period that you exist in a non-emergency state. With less than 8 hours of sleep a human develops holes in their stasis field/psychic bubble which can be exploited by Destructicons and other small, evil entities like pixies or viruses. Destructicons are like nano bots that are the enemies of the heart’s interstate system of blood vessels and have waged an ancient war against human hearts for control of-- summary: they are bad.
Dreams power the stasis field of a human body and since it is dangerous (although alluring) to dream when awake, it is important to sleep because sleeping dreams are not only more powerful but they will prevent unsightly dings and scratches to your Mechabody. Sleep is like the alternator of your dream engine. And your dream engine powers your stasis field. Which protects your heart. So sleep well and sleep long human friends.
via www.beencaughtsleeping.com
Water is one of the most heart healthy items in the action/adventure RPG that you humans call "Life". Many of your item slots should be dedicated to holding this valuable, magical liquid. Water has been called "The Universal Solvent" by many of the town elders of the village Earth, which means that water can dissolve anything given enough time. But Don’t Fret Friends, water will do your heart health wonders and it will not dissolve your heart because weak humans are not designed to last on a geologic scale. And water is best as a solvent on a geologic scale. It truly is a miraculous and versatile miracle item.
While water will not dissolve your heart into oblivion, it will kill you if you ingest too much, like any other thing in the known universe. There is such a thing as "too much of a good thing" and it applies to all good things, because all good things can kill you. Hyponatremia is when your brain gets waterlogged like an old log left in water and gets all mushy and diluted and then dies (More on brain death next time).
So too much water and too little water are bad, so "What is right for me to not die and stay heart healthy?" You should drink between 50 and 120 ounces of water per calendar day, depending on Earth weight and Mechabody energy output. More hip thrusts = more water. Adjust accordingly to suit your Mechabody style and type and preferences. Also, water helps flush out your sewage system, which is one of the main design flaws of the Human Mechabody v3.6. This flaw allows toxins and waste to build up inside the Mechabody if it is not properly flushed out. Water is good for everything in your body. And good for your body means good for your heart.
Chia seeds are one of the many heart healthy seeds and nuts that will improve your health. They are packed with protein, and healthy fats, and good strong heart healthy fiber. They absorb up to 15 times their size in liquid when placed in liquid (Water is known as Nature’s Liquid {Water is also Heart Healthy <see above>}) and this is good because they help hold liquid in your body. However, if you do not soak them in liquid or consume them without the proper amount of liquid as a side drink, they will begin to consume the liquid in your body, which can be bad. It is unpleasant to be eaten from the inside, and the possibly sentient chia seeds will search out and devour every drop of liquid in your body if you do not properly care for them. Much like the famous Chia Pets, if you do not provide them with proper water they can become unholy abominations bent on destruction. And water is good for you anyways, so they force you to drink water, which is a good side benefit. Yes, these are the same chia seeds as the 1980’s pets, one of nature’s finest superfoods/pets when consumed/cared for properly.
Chia seeds can be put on salads, or ground up and put in bread dough, or just be thrown into your favorite heart healthy liquid. They will expand into an interesting gelatinous goo when placed in liquid as well, which is neat, and oddly satisfying to swallow. Protein and Fiber and good fats and water are good for your Mechabody. And your Mechabody holds your heart. Heart Health!
Exercise is one of those most important exercises you can do. Many of you humans get dismayed by the heavy output of energy required and the hardness of completing exercises. But they are very heart healthy, Very Heart Healthy. They can also be fun. Climbing is one of the most fun things you humans can do. The scientific evidence is undeniable. "What evidence?" you say, "Fun is subjective" you say, and you would be wrong because of science. Here is the proof. What group of humans has the most fun? Children is the answer, of course. What do children enjoy doing more than almost anything? Climbing stuff. Therefore, climbing stuff is objectively fun, and once again adults have ignored the scientific contributions of their most observant and philosophically curious subgroup.
Climbing can be dangerous if you climb too far or too high or too fast, much like Icarus who climbed so close to the sun that the rocks got slippery from melting and he fell to his probable death. So climb slow and sure at first and ONLY then expand your horizons to climb to the stars. You can start by piling your couch cushions in the middle of the carpet or by climbing over the back of your lazing couch. But your opportunities are only limited by your imagination (More on the power of imagination and the powerful brain next time).
The Neti Pot was gifted to the Indian subcontinent by a magic hermit or industrious beast when India was actually its own continent before the Himalaya Mountain Range was born in Central Asia. This hermit animal foresaw a prophecy, an invasion by a land called England sometime thousands of years or decades into the future. His beloved India would be overrun by these foul Englishmen and their devoted, lamprey-like minions, The Bogeys (Translation from British: Dirt-Infused Mucus Demons who lodge themselves in sinus cavities). The hermit knew he could change the course of history and save his people if he bequeathed the gift of Neti to them. And that is how India defeated the Bogeys and drove the foul Englishmen from their homeland and achieved independence.
Sometimes brain eating amoebas can use the neti pot as a trojan horse. They climb in through the dirty tap water or swamp water you use and then ride the lightning into your sinuses before traveling into your brain to the Smörgåsbord laid before them. This is extremely rare and it is actually more common to acquire these misunderstood scamps by swimming in swamps or swampy ponds in hot and humid places like the Deep South. Use distilled water in your neti pot if you want to effectively reduce these small odds to near zero.
The Neti Pot is used to clear out the sinus cavity of unwanted debris. This debris can be harmful to your health and you may feel much better if you use a neti pot or similar nasal cavity cleansing service. For you see, the sinus bone is connected to the heart bone, and if the sinus bone is healthy, the heart bone is healthy.
via www.neti-pot.com
How many vegetables do you eat? That is not enough, eat more. "You don’t know what number I said", you say, and I say that I don’t need to know the number because you need to eat more vegetables. Did you know: Humans and regular animals can eat some vegetables raw for a snack, like carrots and celery and if you do not like them you can dip them in heart healthy dips like hummus, and, umm, honey I guess, or barbecue sauce, and dijon mustard, and ranch dressing, and poutine, and gravy, and Jolt! Cola or whatever other healthy sauces you humans dip vegetables into to make your tastebuds accept them as allies and not childhood oppressors.
You can also make things like Kale Chips. Kale is a leafy green vegetable that is very heart healthy. You just rip up some kale leaves and throw some heart healthy olive oil on it and maybe some sea salt--OH MY GOD, an amazing idea just came to me. Throw some Sriracha in there in place of or in addition to the very small amount of sea salt. Then you throw it on a cookie sheet and in the oven for 7-10 minutes at 350ish F. Heart Healthy veggie chips that taste surprisingly good.
Vegetables are one of the many overlooked keys to superior heart health and it is one of the few areas where our child scientists have failed us. Your body will thank you in many ways if you reward it with nutritious vegetables. Reward your body, and it will reward your heart. Go Heart!
You can ask me questions or follow me around here or in other places for more info because I attempt to lead by example. Except for the distilled water in neti pots for I have nothing to fear from brain eating amoebas. Or wait, I’m just... I’m not scared of them is all.
Splitscreen is dead. Online gaming hath murdered it. Yet Splitscreen does not wish its death to be a sad or dreary occasion, but rather a celebration of its life. Rather than focus on the new wave of terrible video games, Splitscreen wished to be remembered with fondness by the college kids with a ps2 in their dorm room. After the jump we will visit in on the funeral of our dear friend Splitscreen Gaming.
But it's just awesome to have P-Boi back. I'd check back every few months to see what was going on (nothing), so it was awesome to check again in July and see you were back at it. I've almost read through the archive going back to May and its all just really great. Great like I remember, so this is to cover all of the comment threads that are now closed. I was worried that all of you might stop writing, so it's great to see that you're all still doing it, AND that you're still turning out really amazing things. Alright, enough kissassery, but you really need to know how much your work is genuinely enjoyed. Please never stop.
(and wassup forum fools)
Good news, everyone! The results for the Great Apple Experiment / Project / Waste of Time are in, and you'll be shocked - shocked! - to see which apples came away with the highest scores and ratings. Hot Diggity!
I don't know if there's a way to black out spoilers, so I'm going to use this section of the FanPost (before the jump) to warn you that there are spoilers after the jump. Let's talk about this movie, which three or four of you may have already seen.
I love apples. Ever since I can remember, I've been eating them. By themselves, with a little bit of caramel, stuck on a stick with a bunch of weird red goo all over it - apples are just generally great.
One of the best things about apples is how many different varieties of them there are. If you're anything like me, you've probably thought to yourself, "Boy, I wish I knew which kind was the best!" After discussing it at length with many of my fellow apple aficionados, I've decided to take on the challenge of determining which variety is the greatest of them all.
So far, my friends and I have established a list of the best varieties of apples the world has to offer. That list can be found right here.
However, we are but a few, humble apple-eaters, and in order to scientifically determine which is the greatest variety of them all, we need your help.
Please leave a comment regarding any kind of apple you have an opinion about, and then rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1=Gross!; 5=Apple, 10=Best ever!). Feel free to even rate the crappy kinds! That's half the fun! Like Red Delicious apples. Seriously, what is their problem?
Also, if you want, feel free to leave a little note about each variety you rate, telling why you loved or hated it. For science!
Anyways, I'm going to keep track of all of the responses and include them in the above spreadsheet, which will be the home for this project. If I get enough data, I'll probably do some cool summary statistics, and maybe even some cool charts and graphs!
Thanks for reading. I know with your help, we can really get to the "core" of this issue!
I went to visit my buddy at his new house, and he had a guestbook for people to sign. Perfect opportunity to review a movie, so that people can know what they need to see in the future!
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