Progressive Boink

[Spoodles]

12:48 - Commercials include rent-a-center, and Rescue Me.

Judging by the last few hours, we'll be seeing this a lot (as well as the aforementioned Danny DeVito thing over which TVGuide is all aflutter.

[pholby]

12:51 - Fight Call. They talk to one guy, look for the other.

12:53 - The second guy makes a short run. He is caught. He'd rather explain himself than put his hands behind his back, so to the ground he goes. The officer has a rather sing-song way of saying "three fifty - subject in custody."

12:55 - Apparently the men are father and son. The father (the second, drunk running man) wanted to fight the son. The son wasn't going for it. What a pussy. You respect your old man, you fight him when he wants to fight.

12:59 - Credits roll on episode 4.

[pholby]

1:00 - Credits now include a bizarre clip of two people playing with a football on the beach included with people getting pepper sprayed, whomped on, and wrestled to the ground from their bicycle.

1:01 - A couple of cops in an unmarked car compare themselves to both samurais and ninjas. Obviously these men are not scholars.

1:03 - The light him up and off he goes. He opens the door to his car and throws something out of the door. Many people believe this will save them from being charged with possession. It won't. He turns down a dead end. He takes a pretty good bail, hitting a pile of leaves or something that flies up in the air.

1:04 - SHERIFFS OFFICE! WE GOT A DOG! They don't have a dog. People are afraid of the dog.

1:05 - These guys are waring the utilitarian body armor/t-shirt combo. Congratulations are in order for chasing these fellows down. They find some dope in the road. Possession with intent to sell, and some more felonys.

1:07 - This guy had a lot of drugs in his car. Not like, a duffel bag full, but more than most people they bust. If I were dealing, I would drill a decent sized hole in the bottom of my car, so that I could dump things out without the obvious motions that give it away.

[pholby]

1:10 - Deputy Jeff Lower talks about the little league team he coaches. He knows that winning is the important part of little league. Then him and his partner stop a Caddy at a Hess station. It contains three men and a woman.

1:11 - More cops show up, including a dog. The driver of the car is wearing a Harvard t-shirt.

1:12 - Everyone is separated, so that they can lie to the police in different ways and fuck themselves over.

1:13 - The cop threatens the woman with arrest. She gives up the man in the green shirt as committing whatever it is these people committed. Oh, they broke into a car. Let's see who everyone else gives up.

1:14 - A witness arrives. They ID the car, and the man in the green shirt. It is not his lucky day.

1:16 - This man is an idiot. The people who stole the pump out of the car said they dropped it off, and so the cops show up. He stored it in plain view of the doorway. If he hadn't done that, and the cops busted in anyway, a decent lawyer might have gotten it thrown out because they didn't bother with a warrant, just the word of a criminal. But by putting it where the cop could see it, he gave them plenty of probable cause to enter his house and arrest him.

1:17 (or possibly 18, I was busying spewing bullshit about the fourth amendment and crap that probably wouldn't work in real court) - More commercials.

[pholby]

1:20 - Palm Beach, FL. Deputy Tom Fresneda talks about arresting people he went to high school with.

1:21 - Fight in progress. Five or six black males. Hopefully he's not running into Kimbo Slice.

1:22 - He walked out the house, he seed that car parked right there, something I can't understand, he run up on me and punch me in the mouth. Some more stuff I can't understand, something about punching his mom, then I threw the rock in retaliation. He ain't gonna hit my mom.

1:23 - The man in the car tells a story of the man throwing multiple bricks at his car. We've got a mystery here gang. Some kids in a neighboring house act as witnesses, fingering the car man throwing the first punches, followed by brick throwing and fighting.

1:24 - It's criminal mischief for the brick-thrower. He asks for a shirt to wear to jail, and to talk to his mom.

1:26 - White shirt puts his hands behind his back before he's even asked to. Simple battery.

1:27 - I just realized that woman from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is that woman from the Drew Carey show.

[pholby]

1:30 - I zoned out while reviewing material regarding Kimbo Slice, and zoned back in for the people on the beach. So that means episode...5? ended. We're still in Palm Beach, with Corporal John Cogburn. He speaks on the various terrains involved in Florida policework. Cities, cane-fields, etc.

1:32 - They're going to a man with a knife. A Hispanic man with a knife. Crpl. Cogburn speaks some spanish. He recognizes the suspect from a previous encounter. He's got a knife, and wants water. They're looking to trade, I think. This poor fool is gonna get tazered.

1:33 - And they've got a dog! This guy is fucked. He's now looking for booze. He begins shouting about various Latin American nations. Puerto Rico, Honduras, etc. Konnan tries to recruit him.

1:35 - Tear gas grenades show up. They pepper spray him. He drops the knife. Now he doesn't get the water. He should have traded.

[pholby]

1:37 - Apperantely those tear gas grenades were rubber bullets. They didn't get used anyway. Paramedics show up to treat fro the spray.

1:38 - Commericals. PCDI offers a diploma in gunsmithing.

1:41 - YESSSSSS Prostitution sting! Stings are like, the Plinko of Cops. Jennifer the prostitute is wearing plaid. A plaid henley and short shorts.

1:42 - "Unless you have, five, ten dollars it ain't gonna happen." That's great. That's so awesome. Get out of your mid-90s hatchback, sir. You're under arrest.

1:46 - A clever gentleman exposed himself in response to the undercover prostitute asking if he was a cop. So he gets taken in for a lewd act instead of solicitation. A man walks up to the hookers. He has crack, so they bust him for that. So far they're 3/3 on the busts, but only 1/3 on busting for solicitation. I blame the plaid.

1:48 - They review the day's haul - Three hours, six busts. Well done, guys. Commercials follow.

[pholby]

1:51 - Some kind of chase. There is some discoloration on the cop's face. I don't know what the deal with it is.

1:52 - The guy shuts his lights off. This is a risky idea. On the one hand, it makes you harder to see. On the other, it makes you a lot more likely to crash.

1:54-1:56 - They bust the guy. I wasn't paying that much attention, and the guy the cameraman was with wasn't making the bust. So he's left telling the camera what happened, like a discolored chump. Then he interviews the dude and we go to commercial.

[pholby]

1:59 - Credits roll on episode six. That last segment was pretty boring, hopefully we get something good up next.

[pholby]

2:00 - Okay, new credits, different season. We've got a hot air balloon fest, a cross dressing truck driver (seen that episode), a dog, and a knockout punch.

2:01 - Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforecment. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Some guy is chasing some other guy with a knife, so cops are on the way. Our officer is not the first on there, so we don't get any crazy chasing action.

2:02 - They just keep telling this guy to get down on the floor, and he ain't getting. He's just walking away. They have a dog, too. This guy is crazy. He doesn't want to get his shirt dirty. Oh shit, the cop said "order." Now the guy is failing to obey a lawful order. Ah ha, the cop just kicked him down. What a maroon. He's trying to get up.

2:03 - He's still trying to get up.

2:04 - The guy calls up for Jesus. It's unclear whether he means the son of god or his buddy. He does say "Gee-sus" and not "hay-soos". He's not giving up his arms to get cuffed so they kneel on his head. He's not happy. They haven't let the dog go yet, so at least he knows they probably won't.

2:05 - He is a large fellow, so they do the old 'two pairs of cuffs' thing. The knife they made him drop is a Leatherman brand multi-tool.

2:06 - "What is your problem?" "What is yours? JESUSSSSSSS!" The cops are reviewing what happened, and he's yelling "Yeah right! Aw man!"

2:07 - The large man has had at least a case of beer. The officer who had the dog reveals that he did not wrestle the man to the ground because then the dog would have latched on, and he didn't want that to happen. What a nice guy.

2:08 - We go to commercials. Well that made up for the last segment. Seriously, that was great. This KFC bowl of mashed potatoes, cheese, chicken, corn and gravy looks disgusting. The guy who orders it in the commercial doesn't seem like a winner either.

[pholby]

2:10 - Two officers recount the story of chasing down a guy who stole a teddy bear from a carnival booth. What a scoundrel. They're patrolling for people stealing cars. They see some guys who look like they're up to no good.

2:11 - Both guys who look like they're up to no good have lousy facial hair. Let that be a lesson to you, fellows. One of them has a gun. See, the officer previously asked him if he had any weapons or narcotics on him, and he said no. Now he reveals he has a gun. Man, either shut your fucking mouth or totally tell the cops everything. Lying is just going to fuck you over.

2:12 - It's miranda rights for both chumps. Carrying a concealed weapon is nothing.

2:14 - One of the guys says he was scared, that's why he didn't say he had a gun. Cops don't like hearing that you're scared of them. See, he's never had good luck with the cops. Cops hate hearing that too. He tells a story about this one time when a cop punched him in the chest.

2:15 - They both have guns! This is like, textbook "What not to do when the cops come and talk to you." The cop and the young man ponder the question of why a 19 year old would have a glock. They do not reach a satisfactory conclusion.

2:16 - They admit that they were up here to smoke a bowl and go to the mall. With their guns. The cops are all too happy to book them. What a couple of fucking morons.

So far this episode is 2/3. Hopefully the last segment isn't too much of a step down, and this is in the running for best of the day.

[dave hunsen goupy]

This thread should have a spoiler warning for the west coast.

[pholby]

2:20 - A prostitution sting where the cops dress up as a band. They have terrible wigs on. One of them claims to play the keyboards. Oh man, that's so fucking great.

2:21 - "Amongst the pimp/prostitute subculture it's called 'the track'." They're going after a girl named "Hollywood." She's well known.

2:22 - She's already got her top off. She's wearing sneakers. The world of prostitution is not glamorous, despite what certain people have claimed.

2:24 - Girl #2 has also taken her top off almost instantly. Did I mention "the band" is picking these girls up in a limo? Because they are. This woman is not attractive. Neither was the first one. She's pretty cool in the face of the vice squad, though. They don't call 'em pros for nothing, man.

[pholby]

2:29 - Credits roll on episode 7.

[pholby]

This thread should have a spoiler warning for the west coast.

You got it.

[pholby]

2:32 - Another prostitution sting. The cops make a joke about a well-known but really ugly prostitute, when the cable companies bust in with an Emergency Alert System test. I get back to hear a cop claim that prostitution is not a victimless crime.

2:33 - A man asks for "the okie pokie". The undercover female officer makes sure to get a definition of the okie pokie on record. Sex for $25.

2:34 - "I am not a criminal." Yeah, but you totally just committed a crime.

2:35 - Oral sex for $20. Boy, is he going to be surprised. As soon as they happen upon this fellow they go to put his hands behind his back. He was hesistant, so he got wrestled to the ground. Thanks for playing, Michael.

2:36 - When removed from the motel room, Michael makes a break for it. They catch up with him, and his face meets the pavement. Well, he gave it his best shot.

2:37 - People in the parking lot stare at Michael as he's dragged back to the hotel. We go to commercials.

[pholby]

2:41 - Officer Tim Gonterman talks about the bad apples of Albequerqe, New Mexico. There's plenty of them, but 99% of the people are good people.

2:42 - There's a car stopped by the tracks. The cops are wearing vests under their body armor.

2:44 - Some junkies in the car. Lots of the junk and the needles. One of the women has a seriously infected track mark on her hand.

2:47 - Middle-aged women as junkies is depressing.

[pholby]

2:50 - We're back from ads with an Officer talking about how when you're a cop, you learn a lot. It's real eye-opening.

2:51 - Traffic stop. By which I mean felony stop.

2:53 - The old "Grandma let me borrow it" excuse for the car. The cop asks if the crack pipes belong to grandma.

2:55 - Grandma comes to collect her auto. When told there was crack in it, she covers her heart and lets loose an "Oh mercy."

2:59 - one-thirty-two and bush, I've got him at gunpoint.

[pholby]

3:00 - This time the credits feature a puppy, then a semi-automatic shotgun. This show is incredible.

3:02 - Some guy is running from the police. They catch him. He had a gun, a real long-barreled revolver, Joker style.

3:03 - Two officers respond to a fight call. When the cops arrive a woman meets them to inform them that it's a family dispute, they're settling it. The cops talk to one guy and you can hear another in the background yelling things like "That man tried to kill me" and "burned the house down!" and "That man right there!" The guy the cops are talking to finishes with "threatened my car." That's right. They threatened the man's car. There's a lot of shouting going on, by a lot of sweaty, large people. This is phenomenal.

3:05 - "It seems to me like everybody's had a little bit too much to drink this evening."

3:06 - Here is a shirtless man holding a baby. This is the man who threatened the car. He believes people are coming after him. The cop suggests that that is not the truth.

3:08 - FX tells me that I have Jack in the Box to thank for this marathon. I'm really appreciative.

3:09 - Back from commercials with some police on a boat. Their boat does not appear to have a machine gun, GTA style.

3:11 - They look for the registration of a Wave Runner, the guy was speeding. See, within 100 feet of shore you've got to keep your speed under 5 mph. Or 5 knots. I don't know. They write the guy a ticket.

3:12 - They get a call about something. I can never understand the radios. They pull up along side a boat to do a safety check. They're trying to figure out if the operator of the boat is intoxicated. He knows his alphabet, and can find the tip of the pen with his finger.

3:15 - They want him to blow into the tube, and he's thinking he's fucked. And he is.

[banned-y]

12:07 PM - Don't go busting in people's doors in Texas at night. They'll shoot you because they do not have their glasses on. Randy, has this ever happened to you?

Not once, but I did have a gun pulled on me by a cop who thought I was stealing a car.