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Random P-Boi Article Quotes
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B
= Best!!11

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 2096
Location: Bristol, VA

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 5:56 pm Post subject: Random P-Boi Article Quotes

Sometimes I'll go back and read an old article and be struck by something I'd forgotten, or hadn't appreciated as much the first time. I figure this would be a decent thread idea, so people could share some of their favorite quotes without the context of saying "good job" a bunch of times.

Not that I don't want you guys to keep telling me/us "good job," but you get what I'm saying.

Oh hell, I just wanted to put this in a quote again so I can laugh every time somebody bumps this thread:

Mike Jones wrote:

YO HOLLA DIS MIKE JONES CHECK OUT MY NEW ALBUM "WHO IS MIKE JONES". THE ANSWER IS THAT I AM MIKE JONES. SO I GUESS YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BUY THE ALBUM NOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT BUT PLEASE DO ANYWAY.

share your stories
_________________

Kirbyoto
DIET SODER POP

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 1478
Location: Pfft

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 6:04 pm Post subject:

I usually put ones I really like in my sig. Because it is easier than making a witty statement to put in. Some of my favorites are: "Wah wah, move this rock. Wah wah, divert this river. Wah wah, why was my son born without kidneys." -"God Game", by Bill "Gordon closed his eyes, entered his memory warehouse, located the papers documenting the last four seconds of his life, and threw them into the fireplace." -"I'll Miss You, Ronald Reagan", by Jon "Oregon Trail starts off with a 20 minute anime cut scene...no...actually it starts off with a white screen that says "Oregon Trail."" -"Oregon Trail", by B "Observe I./Q.'s incredible genius. Notice how he knows the proper way of holding a piping hot cheeseburger without burning his hand" -"The Burger King Kids Club", by Mike "So it seems the virus releases the "evil forces" stored up in the computer, but it really picked a bad time to do so. The sinister plan has finally sprung into action and the only remotely evil creatures it currently has access to are walking mushrooms and winged turtles. If this has to be your weapon of choice, at least wait until somebody puts in a game with guns. It's like trying to take over the world with the guys from Balloon Fight." -"Mario on Ice", by Bill _________________ WHAT IS WRONG WITH U WOMAN?????

Lindy
What a Fool Believes

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 948
Location: down by the water

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 6:10 pm Post subject:

B wrote:

How many crying baby dolls can you fit in a straight-edge kid's ass? My record is two. Asia could probably swing six or seven.

Bill wrote:

I had a savant once. I didn't like it. It was ugly, too big. I traded it in and got a Neon instead. They're so cute!

_________________
shrieking raccoon on a jetpack

B
= Best!!11

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 2096
Location: Bristol, VA

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 6:16 pm Post subject:

Kinda long, but absolutely one of the best things ever written on this site:

Nick wrote:

Sledge hit a lazy pop-up to third baseman Mike Mordecai. It was while the ball was in the air that everyone realized the significance of the game. Sure, that day at work they told everyone how they were going to the game, you know, to be part of the history, and how much fun it would be. It's sort of like that time in your life when you're putting on your best suit or dress for a loved one's funeral. Then you show up, and you see the body. You see that pop-fly reach it's apex and begin it's decent into Mordecai's glove. You want to jump to the casket and shake the person, coerce them to wake up, stop sleeping and wake up. You want to run onto the field and tackle Mordecai, keep the game going on forever. It's man's inability to deal with the mortality of everything that sparks this side of human nature. You want to call God an asshole, how could he end this person's life in such an unfair manner. You want to call Mordecai an asshole, if he had any sympathy he would drop the ball and tip his cap to the crowd. But then you see that body, see that third baseman settle underneath the ball, and slowly raise his glove. You accept it. You stop clapping. You stop crying. You just watch, braindead and numb.

And to juxtapose with a short one,

Emily wrote:

Open up the album and. . . hey! Nikolai Volkoff is recording a song! How good of him to put on pants!

_________________

McFly
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 407
Location: Michigan

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 7:22 pm Post subject:

It's not something that I can really copy and paste, but one of my favorites of all time is the stream of Colts kicker Hunter Smith's consciousness. I couldn't stop laughing at that. Last edited by McFly on Tue Oct 11, 2025 9:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

joshua
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 11 Aug 2025
Posts: 461
Location: Charleston, SC

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 7:27 pm Post subject:

Ninja-X wrote:

One time a scientist found a way to build a car without making any pollution, and it didn't require gasoline. George W. Bush walked up to him and shot him in the back of the head.

I thought this was his funniest fact against Bush
_________________

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth wrote:

why the hell do you speak such good english korea you about as korean as paul kariya

B
= Best!!11

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 2096
Location: Bristol, VA

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 7:31 pm Post subject:

I was always partial to

Ninja-X wrote:

George W. Bush's dad, George Bush, made him by having sex with a loaf of bread.

_________________

Josh
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 383
Location: Donna, TX

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 8:18 pm Post subject:

B wrote:

The "Forest of Feelings" is a lot like Care-a-lot, only the animals here are more harmless and prone to sexual misconduct. My Uncle had a "Forest of Feelings" but it was just his closet. Jason is the first victim (as you can see) but things quickly dissolve into a friendly song. My Uncle had friendly songs in his "Forest of Feelings" too, but they were mostly about how if I told my Mom and Dad about it he'd break my Nintendo.

Tim, Survivor of the Apocalypse wrote:

Nothing screams intimidation like a bunch of man-dykes doing their best prison-bitch tough guy faces. It appears as though Bushido Blood on the far right is giving the kissy face.

and pretty much everything in the Ready.gov - Kids Korner

Kyle
is style

Joined: 12 Aug 2025
Posts: 1467
Location: fu ji ni ya

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 8:53 pm Post subject:

Here is one from every writer because I do not want to study for my midterms!

Jon wrote:

Here's the best translation I can offer:

1. "Fly the hoover".

2. "Do laundry".

3. "Pay bills".

4. "Walking".

5. "Clean 10-92".

6. "Cut off someone's hand".

7. "Do Murphy, walk smoothly".

8. "Trick out ham wagon".

9. "Fix Uncle's sink".

Besides the unmistakable item #6, the list is tough to make out. I don't know what a "ham wagon" is, but I would imagine its owner to look a lot like Ziggy. At any rate, this list sheds a lot of light on what Ziggy does when the world isn't watching, such as piloting vacuum cleaners, tidying up the month of October 1992, and romancing former Atlanta Braves great Dale Murphy.

Bill wrote:

Jesus. Go get a refund for that tattoo, dude. Unless your specific request was "Y'know Cecil? From Beany & Cecil? Yeah, I want that. But with, like... two heads. That's awesome."

B wrote:

Moments after the shot heard round the world, Danny Ainge, NBA Legend Dirk Minniefield, and evil Undead Reggie Lewis emerged from the floor and embraced Magic, holding him down to his knees until arch-nemesis Bird could administer a deadly dose of Human Immunodeficiency Virus into the back of Johnson's neck via a long, green and white syringe. Bird let out a boisterous "NOW WHO IS THE MAGIC" before disappearing into a cloud of smoke, narrowly escaping a retort of fists and fury from Johnson's Laker teammates. It was the worst germ warfare accident in Lakers history until 1992, when center Vlade Divac got SARS.

Emily wrote:

V.C. Andrews-themed Mad Lib!

When ______(day of the week, month, or Prince protege) _________(generic last name)'s _______(relative) was __________(means of death), she lost the only family she'd ever known. Forced to live with her ______ , _____(two adjectives) Aunt Vera at her _______(upperclass location in New England) estate, _______(repeat day of the week, month, or Prince protege) longs to break free from the ______ , ______(two adjectives suggesting cold and lonely) walls of _________(whitebread sounding name for a big house) and pursue her dreams of becoming an _________(cliche profession that young girls would relate to).

It is only when she meets _______(type of metal, or birth name of any comic book super hero) that _______(repeat day of the week, month, or Prince protege) can once again feel at ease. _____(fire-related ajective), _____(Fabio-related ajective), and reckless, _________(repeat type of metal or super hero) is her only release from the ______(bitch-related adjective) Vera. But, when their _______(plural, loins-related noun) reach the breaking point, a _____(synonym for old) family secret threatens to tear them apart. What will happen to the lovers. . . WHEN _______(plural noun) _______(noise or collision-related verb)!

Nick wrote:

We finally arrived in Philadelphia just in time for registration, which was a hell of an ordeal because Cool Moe D wouldn't listen. He just wanted to lie in the sun. Jon tried to coerce him towards the line, but I stopped him. "Let him do his thing," I said, "He'll work it out". Jon, a little confused at first, came to terms with what I had said, realizing that Cool Moe D was just appreciating the small gems of life. He nodded affirmatively and got back into line to register his gravy boat.

Justin wrote:

I once tried the ?my mother is dead? approach with my own mom after coming home from school with a bad report card. After spending several minutes unsuccessfully convincing her that she died shortly after giving birth to my younger twin sisters who oddly enough were never seen in the same place or at the same time until one of them fell off of a horse and contracted a bout of amnesia in the most anti-climactic series finale ever, she chipped her diamond ring on my front teeth and put her cigarette out on my forehead.

Mike wrote:

Yes, that's Mike Fireball, age 7. For a reason I seem to have successfully blocked out of my memory, I decided to go trick-or-treating as a nondescript mouse wearing the largest bow tie ever. You can almost see the embarrassment on my little brother Zorro's face. In retrospect, it reminds me of that one episode where Chrissy Seaver invents a rude & mischievous imaginary friend, a 6-foot tall mouse who looks frighteningly similar to her brother, Mike, if he was a giant rodent. Having Mike & Ike in her room at the same time sure was a great Kirk camera trick!

_________________
WHEN THE AFRICAN LION ATTACKS

Kirbyoto
DIET SODER POP

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 1478
Location: Pfft

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 9:08 pm Post subject:

Oh, man. I forgot about the awesomeness of tricking out your ham wagon. _________________ WHAT IS WRONG WITH U WOMAN?????

Rusty Cooledge
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 432

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 9:30 pm Post subject:

Almost the entire fucking Creed: Footsteps article by B could be a favorite quote but I could only choose one so eenie meenie miney... mo!

Quote:

In anger, Scott rolled a giant stone in front of the studio exit, and by the time Altar Bridge moved the stone STAPP WAS GONE.

Also, one of my first mark out moments of many on P-Boi of I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT I CANT BELIEVE HE MADE THAT JOKE from Bill's Mario on Ice article.

Quote:

I can only assume it stars Hulk Hogan as a former wrestler turned housekeeper who gets into wacky situations trying to maintain a household while entering a fighting tournament so he can beat the shit out of his daughter to protect her from getting the shit beat out of her.

_________________

endlessmike
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 461

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 10:35 pm Post subject:

Kyle wrote:

Jon wrote:

I don't know what a "ham wagon" is, but I would imagine its owner to look a lot like Ziggy .

this deserves the love of 2 posts

Emily wrote:

Before Sarah even has time to make her way into the labyrinth, she is first tempted by the evils of homosexuality all around her.

Greg
Ness Vet

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 751
Location: Potatoes

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2025 10:54 pm Post subject:

Bill wrote:

I hate to break it to you kid, but there's no college in the world offering a degree in "poonology."

_________________

Logan
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 139
Location: Owensboro, KY

Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2025 12:58 am Post subject:

Jon wrote:

Savage Messiah: Remember, brothers and sisters. Do not rise up against your neighbors, or those who do not understand. Rise up against those who are guilty. Rise up against the Authority, and rise up against the Imperial army.
Dissident_ghs: What are our current numbers?
Savage Messiah: We estimate that our brothers and sisters to the North have raised an army numbering in the tens of thousands. They work covertly now, without weapons, but their service is just as noble. Our Indianapolis fortress has, as of last word, managed to repulse Authority strikes, but I fear that the worst attacks are to come. It is a matter of time before the Authority gains control over the Old Army. Now they have only foot soldiers, guns and grenades. Soon they will have tanks, and mortal shells. It is imperative that we strike soon.
bitchfukk_ben: YO WHATS UP FAGGETS

Bill wrote:

Mom: "How horrible. Thank God we're all safe."
Dad: "WATER IS BIG"

Nick wrote:

It started like any other day: I woke up, took a shower, and went to school. I couldn?t quite figure out why, but something just didn?t feel right. The sky was particularly gray, the wind just as frigid, and I had just kissed another boy. My dad was going to kill me.

THEN BLOOD STARTED SHOOTING OUT OF MY FRIEND?S FACE.

B wrote:

_________________
... Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop.

Mike
The king of pop

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 1674
Location: Weird NJ

Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2025 3:39 am Post subject:

I need to add the newest addition to this thread.

Lindy wrote:

I am of Asian descent. As a joke I have urinated in your soft drink.

I can't read that & not laugh. It's impossible.
_________________

Kirbyoto
DIET SODER POP

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 1478
Location: Pfft

Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2025 11:46 am Post subject:

Everything written by Will in the Jumping and Standing Forum, especially his post in the SAT thread (and Craig's follow-up)

Also his questions to God in the "New Line of Work" thread.

Will wrote:

hey there biggity brown, you're all right and a bag of chips

does that headset let you talk to god

what astral understandings does he whisper gently in your ear

ask him why come the chipmunks run when i only want to sit and listen

ask him why come taste buds dont grow on my fingers because that would be useful as a unicorn

_________________

WHAT IS WRONG WITH U WOMAN?????

Clayton
CUP OF WATER

Joined: 10 Sep 2025
Posts: 92
Location: Lexington, KY

Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2025 6:09 pm Post subject:

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth wrote:

hammerin' hank yeah right the only thing he ever hammered was a baseball

This, taken from the front page of The Dugout archive makes me laugh out loud (in real life) whenever it happens to cross my mind. Which is all the time.
_________________

Quote:

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

pholby
CUP OF WATER W/ A HANDFUL OF SUGAR

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 690
Location: schmocation

Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2025 6:23 pm Post subject:

Punching Puppet Ghaleon wrote:

Then I saw that my buddy Spider-Man seemed to be in a similar situation, and had solved it quite neatly by killing three articles off by reviewing crayons. What a creative idea, I thought. Then I thought no, wait, that's not creative at all. But it is desperate and that's what I am. Unfortunately, I then realized I don't have any crayons or toys or video tapes of old TV commercials to review, because I'm not 8 years old.

_________________
"You're a pussy, Strong!"

"Woah woah woah."

Mike
The king of pop

Joined: 09 Aug 2025
Posts: 1674
Location: Weird NJ

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2025 5:46 am Post subject:

In 'Brooke Hogan,' B wrote:

Thanks to the clever marketing machine of Vince McMahon and his undeniable ability to bodyslam fat people, Hulk became synonymous with the word "wrestling" and used his influence and worldwide appeal to tag team with both Mr. T and Dennis Rodman, joining a bizarre sexual 40/40 club with Carmen Electra. Later he pretended to be hurt when punched by Jay Leno.

In 'Player's Pulse,' Bill wrote:

Where are we going, Uncle? Oh, wow, I never knew we had a cellar. What is this? Oh.. Oh my God.. It all makes sense now.. Aunt Mabel never left for California! Aunt Mabel never left at all! You monster! What are you doing with that axe? Don't come near me! Oh, I hope there's a strategy in here for this.. ..Dammit, man! I don't have an ocarina!

In 'Pink,' Emily wrote:

Emily's case is not so uncommon. Millions of young people each year are struck down by Pink Eye. While not sexually transmitted, it can be spread through a handshake. To avoid this, always wear gloves. Without fail, even in the summer time. Woolen gloves. And don't be a handshake slut. If you or someone you know has or may have contracted conjunctivitis, medical attention should be sought immediately. For more information, check out www.drdrew.com. Together, we CAN put a stop to Pink Eye.
Of course, you don't have to take MY word for it!!
doo doo DOO
Hi, my name is Jon Bois. I read a book called, [s]"Baseball"[/s] "In the Homestead," about a girl named Tara and her sister, who have to fend for themselves in the wilderness of Colorado when their parents are lost to Pink Eye. It is a really good book. I really liked it. If you want to learn more about Pink Eye or girls, you should really check it out!!

In 'Dinosaurs,' Jon wrote:

Obviously this kid shits pterodactyls. What the hell could he have been writing on that notepad? "NOT DINOSAURS" over and over?

In 'The Breeds of Music Fans,' Nick wrote:

1. The type of music you like determines:
a. The way you dress
b. The type of people you hang out with
c. Whether or not you will attend prom
2. Chicks/Dudes dig a dude/chick who has a defined taste in music
3. Old = Funny Cool. Vinyl records are a complete inconvenience and sound like shit, and the only reason people still use them is to "era spin it backwards" and to be 1337.
4. 1337 stands for "Leet"
5. Or "Elite"
6. Boom-boxes are still cool
7. I am half-tempted to stretch to list to reach #1337, where I will post a picture of myself
8. nvm

_________________

William
CUP OF WATER W/ A SPRINKLE OF SUGAR

Joined: 10 Aug 2025
Posts: 411
Location: Mississauga, Ontario, Canada

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2025 3:05 pm Post subject:

Jon wrote:

My TV?s alarm turned on at about 11:00, and I woke to the voice of Dan Rather. I watched in horror as a shaken Rather reported, ?Once again?the two structures have been reduced to a fiery mass.?

I nearly jumped out of my bed. But ? how does he know, I thought feverishly. I examined my testicles. The scrotum was red and swollen. Yep, that was a pretty accurate description.

?What once was a majestic display of power and strength? now lies in ruins.? I looked south once again. Again Rather?s words rang true. I struggled to hold back tears, and wondered if my nether regions would ever be the same.

Rather continued to note that perhaps hundreds of NYPD were at Ground Zero searching for bodies, and I sighed in relief after finding no big, uniformed men between my legs.

_________________
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

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