The Eating Contest

[Funk Master Steven]

I posted a thread earlier but it was an article and I relized not many articles are posted here. So I decided to post a story instead.
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It was a normal day. The sun came up, kids played, I spanked it; just a regular day in Siloam Springs. I decided to treat myself to a Double Cheese burger and and Ice Cream Sundae.

But as I ordered my Sweet Heart Sunday from a little ice cream shop I heard these tiny words.

“He won’t be able to finish that.”

“Its way too much ice cream, he won’t finish it.”

I turned my head slightly to see the faces of three little girls mocking me with there giddy voices and hockey mouth grins.

“Are you talking to me?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s way too much ice cream, you can’t eat it all.” One girl stated.

“Is that a challenge?”

“Uhuh.” They said almost in unison.

“Then how about this; if I am to eat this sundae, which I will, then I get a slice of your birthday cake. So which one of you is going to cover your friends bet.” The birthday girl, I assume was there leader, defiantly stood up and said simply.

“I will.”

“Then the it’s on.”

I sat down at a booth adjacent to there table. Now let me remind you this is no ordinary sundae. This is a three scoop with brownie, as well as a topping (I went all out and got Oreos and hot fudge) sundae. My three scoops were as follows: Peanut Butter Mania, Girl Scout Thin Mint, Peanut Butter Mania.

Bite 1: I felt the cold ice cream numb my throat; I assume this is similar to the taste of death so you can quote me on that. I realized my potential folly in my bet and began to question my ability to eat all this ice cream as well as brownie.

Bite 2-4: I started to feel twinges of ache in my belly; I had barely made a dent in this frozen dessert from hell and already felt like quieting. But there jeering of, “He won’t finish it” and “Don’t make your self sick” kept me going. Basically I was like Jesus, and this was my frozen cross. But I’m way cooler cause no Simon of Cyrene douche was helping me eat this.

Bite 5-7: I was done with my first scoop and the brownie was a 3rd finished. I began to feel more confident. I turned to them mouth full of ice cream, “See I’m already a third done, in fact I need to wash some of this down.” Drunken by my own self glory I grabbed a double cheese burger I was saving for later and took a few bites from it. The girls stunned by my blatant defiance said, “Don’t make yourself sick, next minuet your gonna be in the bathroom puking.” With fire in my eyes I gave them a spine tingling glare and breathed “Nuh Uh.”

Bite 8-13: I was finished with my second scoop as well as the brownie. I then realized I may collapse and my joints may lock up, it’s something we in the endurance business call “the wall”. But unlike most pussy marathon runners I didn’t let any wall stop me. I kept at it, determined to prove to these girls and more importantly myself that I could do it.

Bite 14-16: My brain was frozen. My hands sticky with whipped cream and hot fudge. I wasn’t thinking complete thoughts any more and may have possibly flipped off one of the little girls. But that’s when something magical happened. Down from the heavens came my inspiration. Someone who told me everything was going to be okay. It was Pauly Shore.

“Dude, you can’t let those little skeeze weazles make you look like a punk.” He said.

“I don’t think I can do it any more Squirrelly.”

“Now that’s not the attitude I had beating Faukner in “Bio Dome”, or rescuing my team from an enemy prison in “In the Army Now”.”

“But your Pauly Shore.”

“Yes, but you my friend, are Funk Master Steven.”

And it all became clear. This ice cream eating contest wasn’t about winning, or being a better person. I’m already the shit, this is about proving to a bunch of pre pubescent toddlers that there not worthy of licking the dingle berries from my ass hair.

“Thank you Stoney, I’ll never forget you” But he was already gone.

I looked at the sundae and eat the last 3 bites left. Then I proceeded to eat the rest of my Hamburger. Then I walked over there with my empty sundae container.

“What now huh, what now.” They were stunned, by my over all awesome-tuidty or good looks, or maybe even both.

I then left that ice cream shop, I decided not to take the cake even though there parents tried to coax me into it.

“No, no” I said “Making your kids look like fools is enough.”

I then walked to my car and drove away.
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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.

[Sami]

Edit: All of my comments here have been beat to death in another thread. Nevermind.
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Friction.

[Funk Master Steven]

What?
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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.

[DGMacphee]

Likewise, but I'll add...

[Alicia]

I concur, you must have a motivation for masturbation. In a story.
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icesk8erkn: WHO R THO

[endlessmike]

is this based on an actual event? not the pauly shore stuff obviously, but the rest.

also, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[Funk Master Steven]

Yeah it was all based on a true story.

And I'm 16.
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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.

[Funk Master Steven]

[Funk Master Steven]

[Bismark]

[Funk Master Steven]

[Lindy]

In Choke, the behaviour is essential to the character if he is supposed to be a sexaholic. That masturbation statement was disgusting and juvenile, like Bismark said. It didn't have any contribution to the story other than the fact that you were poorly parodying something and even then it didn't seem much like a parody.

I read both stories you've posted and I think they're poorly written, have major grammar problems and are unfunny. You come off is being immature and any jokes you attempt to make don't really seem to be like jokes, they come off as you just trying to be offensive and non pc=Thomas Haden Church. Take the critiques about your writing into consideration when you go to try to write again rather than just offering up explanation after explanation. You don't have to sit and defend yourself every time someone points out something wrong or something they didn't like.
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shrieking raccoon on a jetpack

[Funk Master Steven]

[Bismark]

You're talking about characters that have these traits because it makes up an integral part of their character, not because it gives them the opportunity to make purile jokes. Most people that wrote here DID get past that joke and read the rest of the story, only to find nothing else to redeem it beyond what that first joke told us.

And that brings us to:

[Mugsy]

The fact of the matter is that both pieces seem very "meh" to (apparantly) a lot of people. And the reasons for that have been gone over before, but once more, with feeling:

1. Getting the grammar correct is essential if you want people over fifteen to identify with your work. Spelling 'minute' incorrectly just makes people feel like they are talking with their ten year old nephew on AIM. That's why words are generally not misspelled in published works (save for Seven Hill City, in which it serves a purpose, the horses mouth tells me).

2. The 'spanked it' line is out of place. It could have been a successful (if still kind of lame) joke if you had found a way to insert it later. But then it might have seemed forced. Masturbation jokes are a fickle mistress when you're not just having a conversation with people. And even then you run the risk of looking like a pervert.

3. You've got to try and get some real humor into this stuff, dude. I know how it is. In conversations I can generally belt out one liners with fair consistancy, but when writing something it's more difficult. Not only because you don't control the tone of voice the person reads it in, but also because you can't always pass the same one liners off as jokes because people expect a bit more thought to have been put into them.

That's my running list of things you need to work on if you want widespread approval of your work. If you don't, like you have stated before, then don't bother, and go away. But if you do, welcome brother!

EDIT: Well, I just managed to get to your site, andseeing your little piff about the P-Boi forums, it is now clear to me that you only posted these things because you expected positive feedback. Instead, people didn't like them, and told you what they thought was wrong with them. So you apparantly got your little heart broken. Your writing a blog entry that pretty much says "pfft I dont care" is a clear indication of that. Do not come here looking for a medal for your writings and get defensive as fuck when they have some negative feedback. You may be able to get away with that with your friends, but you didn't go to them for approval. You came to us. Don't throw a tantrum because we were honest with you.
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WAAAOOOOOOOWWWW!

[DGMacphee]

[Funk Master Steven]

Believable?

But yeah I was a bit more sensative over this one, I still have some residual anger left over from my last article were the persons reviewing it admitted to not reading it and dissing other things I wrote they didn't read. So I just assume you guys didn't read this one, but I see that I was wrong.

But yeah, you guys have a point. I'm not gonna lie, the masterbation thing is actually apart of what gives the character "Funk Master Steven" a personallity. As well as his slight hypocondriactic tendancies.

Most people who read this story either have read alot of my other articles or have seen the videos I have made about the character so they knew that the masterbation part was just him.

I think you guys are right about developing the intro a bit more befor throwing the "spanking it" part in there. Especially because this is the first story you guys have read about the character.

But yeah I still am pissed over the last thread, but you guys are actually giving me feedback for this story.

I spent the last 2 years paying dues in the Homegrown video scene. I forget sometimes I'm going to have to repay them all over again in the writing community.

But I do need to work on the grammar. The humor in my stories isn't going to change, but, I am going to work more on getting the character developed so the reader will understand the humor a bit more.

But to who ever called him juvinile he is so I guess I got that point across.
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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.

[B]

"The Sucking Contest"

you win

I'm taking away your Team Discovery Channel privelages. Each post you make from here on out will be replaced by a picture of a girl I like.
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[Funk Master Steven]

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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.

[Funk Master Steven]

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If I were a midget I would have to get things custom made for me. But I would get everything made a foot or so smaller than perfect size. Then I could feel like a giant everyday.