2/28 Horrific Facial Deformities Week!

[Mike]

We updated!

Well, Emily's still re-transcribing hers, but it'll be up soon. You see, with these Stand recaps, she's been writing them out as she watches them. Like, by hand. She hand writes them. That blew the shit out of my mind, man.

Also, since it's Mardi Gras, we should expect an ad banner for National Lampoon's Show Us Your Tits any second now.
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[B]

[idsunki]

Scariest grandma ever.
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Never let scoundrels dictate the terms of honor to you. They'll always use it to manipulate good men into doing stupid things.

[Mike]

Emily's post is up! https://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/thestand3.htm
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[Logan]

Kyle's was a lot of fun to read.
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... Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop.

[Greg]

Well, I feel like a SUPERSTAR right now

P.S. No I don't own a haggy blonde person DVD
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[Mike]

Hey Bill, I probably should've asked you this like four of your posts ago, but where in the name of holy fuck do you find this shit?
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[Kirbyoto]

I enjoyed Bill's post about natural selection. Kyle's post re: nostalgia was great, though it seemed just a little short to me. And Emily's ongoing...saga? Is that the right word? Anyways, Emily's post was also great. For some reason I cracked up at "damn it Dana what is it dam nit?".

EDIT: I went back and reread Kyle's post, and it only seems short because the other two are so long.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH U WOMAN?????

[Jim]

I've only gotten 2/3rds of the way through the update so far, but I'm gonna read Emily's article when I get back from class.

With that said, Kyle's article was pretty good. Mamie Van Doren is the epitome of the phrase "yamahama... it's fright night."

Now, as for Bill. Holy fucking hell. In all sincerity, I laughed until I cried. Those godless, inhuman monkey demons were just too much. Old-ass instuctional/cautionary tales are often great fodder for articles, but this one was just too much. Phenomenal.
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[Sami]

HOLY SHIT Kyle yours scared the crap out of me. Why couldn't you have written about somebody less likely to give me horrific plastic surgery nightmares for the rest of my life, like the CEO of Abercrombie?

However, as much as I am now scarred for life at the thought of freakish eternal youth, it was enjoyable. I laughed, I cringed, and I laughed again.

Bill, I was going to ask you the same thing Mike did. Where is all this stuff coming from? It reminds me of like the shelves of old movies that were in the teeny library of my Catholic elementary school. Also, Pimp Chimp? GENIUS.

I haven't read Emily's yet. Soon though.
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Friction.

[Kirbyoto]

I like to think that Bill has a box, and every time he throws in a living human being, the box eats it and spits out a horrendous, bizzare movie. Like he'll just chuck in some random guy off the street, and the box will close and there'll be some horrible chomping noises and the box will open and there will be Dead Kids on a Bus or Monkeys That Die or Jeff Foxworthy Karate.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH U WOMAN?????

[mreow]

At first I didn't get what was so "horrific facial deformities" about all three of these articles, but I see now... The Stand is full of them. This update was a fun read.
I can sense Emily's mounting irritation at how long and terrible The Stand is. I thought part 3 was the last but apparently there's a part 4? How horrible. I think by next part it'll just be pictures from the movie and Emily writing "son of a bitch" over and over.
I don't know how and why One Got Fat was allowed to exist but it is amazing that Bill finds this stuff. Very humorous.
And here are some of my favorite parts:

[William]

God's Em post was good because it reminded me of how when I read The Stand, I rooted for Harold.
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Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

[Bismark]

A damn fine update all around, and in no small part due to a great article from Kyle. Hopefully this will mean more contributions from our avatar of disgust. Either way, I'm a friend of Kyle D.
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[Ragingape]

I thought what I saw in Kyle's post was awful but then I read Bill's and now those ape-children haunt my nightmares.

Kyle, I'm still debating how I feel about your article. I thought your analysis of Mamie Van Doren was great, but I actually have a D.C.Cab poster in my room and I don't feel kitschy about it. I feel confident that you were referring more specifically to people who go overboard with retrocrap and obsess about insignificant facts. Also

[Bill]

Ghost Rider and One Got Fat both came from the Moving Images section of Archive.org. It's a storehouse of old educational, promotional, and industrial safety films, among other things. There are countless classics to be found, including a number I couldn't use simply because the humor comes from actually watching them. (I guess you could probably say that about the ones I've already done, actually..)

Films such as Down and Out, which is nothing but a man falling over things for ten minutes. Or Boys Beware, a warning to young boys about the dangerous, lurking predators that seek to abuse them -- that's right, homosexuals. Perhaps more disturbing than the film itself is the commentors on the film's page, several of which still see the film as factual, accurate, and an important warning.

Speaking of which, there's also the immensely popular classic Perversion for Profit Part I and Part II, which dares to take a stand against the march of obscenity into our homes (in 1965) and links pornography to the Communist conspiracy to weaken us. Also includes such classic lines as "These magazines make them think that it's smart! It's thrilling! It provides kicks to be a homosexual!"

Sex is obviously one of the cheapest sources of amusement with these old films. Even in relatively straightforward shorts like As Boys Grow, there's still an odd, almost surreal quality to seeing the 1950's all-American Generic White Boy holding casual conversation in his dull, monotone acting voice that goes along the lines of:

"Say, you know something?"
"No, what?"
"I had a wet dream last night."
"Wet dream? What's that?"
"Oh, you know, when sperm comes out of your penis."

That's a direct quote. "Boy, we had a lot of homework to do. That was tough. Didn't have time to do much else. Yep.. Just did some homework.. Read a book for a while.. Yeeeppp--Oh, hey, I blew a load in my shorts last night, did I tell you about that?"

And now you have far more information than you would ever ask for on the subject.

[SundownMotel]

Finally read the articles, which I tend to do at the last minute these days, because I am a sonofabitch.

Kyle is the resident curmudgeon of Progressive Boink. I have faith that in a few scant decades he will be in his yard in a bathrobe, shaking his cane at a gaggle of youngsters and admonishing them about the ball that came onto his property, and how he now intends on "a-keepin' it."

Emily continues to bring the awesome with her enormous Stand epic, and God's Tom bless her for it. Her reactions to the miniseries are basically the same ones that have been careening around in my head for the past however many years since it came out. Except for wanting to fuck Corin Nemec, anyway. Personally, I just want to be friends.

Bill. Oh, sweet Jesus, did my namesake ever outdo himself this week. This is my favorite of his posts since Scorpion, which says something, because holy fuck, SCORPION. Thank you a million times for seriously making worthwhile what was up until now a pretty shitty day.
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And this is a promise, because this is true. This is real. This is Straight Edge.

[Kyle]

[B]

Kyle, I think it's safe to say that you are the new King of Hate.
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[Kyle]

oh nnnnoooooooo
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WHEN THE AFRICAN LION ATTACKS