The Stand
Hasn't really The Stood the test of time, Har Dee Har Har
written by Emily on February 28, 2025

III

Diving right back in, it is July 17 in Kunkle, Ohio. The generic opening shot of a dockside warehouse, however, make me think for a brief moment that I've actually taped over Part 3 with an old episode of "Mike Hammer." Then I remembered that I was watching a DVD, and HI-O did I feel stupid!! Anyway, inside Generico, Inc. (a corporation formed by the last two years of Chris Jericho's career), Stu, Fran and Glen are hanging out with some people we've never seen before, namely a frail blonde chick and Ossie Freakin Davis, which instantly makes me care about the scene like 60% more. Stu is crouched over an unconscious man and is attempting DIY surgery while Fran holds and anatomy book. Because Stu is all that is man. Gary Sinise, however, has apparently taken lessons from the Deforest Kelly school, because every line he says in this scene is done with a very "Damn it Jim I'm a doctor!" sort of tone. At one point he yells, "Damn it! I need more light!" and Harold, who has been half-heatedly holding a lantern the entire time and could give less than half a shit about any of the jokers, just sort of whines, "I turned them up as high as they'll go, Stu." LOVE. HAROLD. The frail Blonde (Dana) then tries to get Stu's attention and when he finally acknowledges her ("damn it Dana what is it dam nit?") she points out that Floor Guy has died. She then make this weird face that seems to alternately say, "I'm so sad that I left my post-apocalyptic lover's life in the hands of a drunk from East Texas." and "I think I just got my period."

The next day, the assembled parties stand around Floor Guy's grave while Ossie Freakin Davis immediately wins over everyone by saying, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believeth in me shall not perish. There's more I think. . .but I don't remember it." Glen, who seems to have given even less of a shit about Floor Guy then Harold, just says, "It worked for me Judge. Amen." And then he wanders away and I laugh heartily at Floor Guy's expense. Stu looks sad, Fran tries to comfort him, they have a little moment and I so do not care about any of this but we're about to get like ten more minutes of it.

Economy, Indiana. July 19. Harold is a bitch. That is all.

Stu has gone fishing, which I would make fun of, but it's probably the only way to get any meat at this point unless All Purpose Super Stu decides to kill a bear with a soup ladle and a firm handshake. He then looks off into the distance all, "man was in the woods" and find fran sitting on a tree stump nearby. They babble a little about the dreams and Mother Abigail making it to Boulder already. The whole conversation has this weird, "Golly, Miss Loretta. Sure is fancy meeting you here at the five and dime." quality, which is odd since these two have spent the last few weeks exclusively in each other's company. The only interesting thing about the entire conversation is the revelation that Fran is pregnant, and has been since we first saw her pre-flu. Stu, turned on by the thought of a fertile woman, decided to stick his tongue down her throat in response to the news. They over their mouths reeeeaaally wide and kiss each other a little bit. Harold, sensing danger, gets up from his perch and wanders right to where the pair are. . .well, I'm not sure. They're not really kissing, just sort of nuzzling and their breath is really ragged. I think we're supposed to think they're doin' it, but they clearly still have all of their clothes on. Harold looks pissed and wanders away. When the couple emerge from the woods to tell Harold that they have "news" (that they dry humped on a river bank and now are in love, I guess?) Harold does his best to act gracious. Creepy Teeth and Super Stu are pleased, but Parker Lewis Cannot Possibly be Losing His Shit any more than Harold is at this moment.

Vegas. The bad people clean up the Strip. I won't bother recapping because, frankly, the images speak for themselves.

The Trash Can Man, last seen in the fetal position on a black jack table, awakes with a start on a hotel room floor. He is wearing pajamas and his wounds have been cleaned. He looks out the window and again sees Vegas not as it is but as something out of the Aladdin game they made for the Super Nintendo. trash blubbers at nothing a little bit until Lloyd (looking quite sharp in his suit) walks in with The Rat Man, who you may remember as My Favorite Character. He proves why he's my favorite by introducing Lloyd and describing him as "not bad for a slice of Wonder Bread," a line I still use to this day. He then describes himself as "bold, black, beautiful" and oh my god I'm not gonna make it another 4 hours someone please just make The Rat Man Movie and I'll review that instead. Lloyd tells Trash to get dressed because Flagg wants to see him, which of course makes Trash babble incoherently. The Rat Man whispers to Lloyd that Trash is, "crazy." Lloyd just looks forlorn and says, "like we're not."

In Flagg's Penthouse of 80's Minimalism, Randall whips out a Zippo lighter and lets Trash openly eyefuck the tiny flame. Once he has Trash's attention (not that he need the light, what with the 70 or so times he's mumbled "my life for you" since we've been introduced to him), Flagg closes his fist and turns the Zippo into another one of the little black stones we saw him give Lloyd in Part 2. He then tells Trash that he as "work for [him] out in the desert." Trash then bursts into tears and tells Flagg that he loves him. Flagg coolly replies, "I know," but even he looks a little creeped out by Trash at this point.

Boulder. July 25 Stu and company approach Mother Abigail's, who now sits in her rocker on the porch of some Boulder home that probably had a deader person in it when she got there. Think on that. Harold, dressed like my grandpa, hangs back looking mighty uncomfortable. Fran hugs Mother Abigail, and the old woman immediately announces her as "with child." Fran, shocked, asks her how she knew that. Abigail just looks at her like, "bitch I know everything." Everyone except Harold, who has disappeared, hug and make introductions. The best part of the scene is Nick standing there the whole time just eating cookies.

Desert. Dream Sequence. Nadine, dressed like an extra from "Clash of the Titans" approaches Flagg, whose face is off camera but whose mullet is still quite frightening. Flaggs makes a crappy Danielle Steele joke, then shows the camera his Scary Contact Lenses, which cause Nadin to awake with a start. She is riding shot gun in a truck driven by none other than Stephen King himself. Steve tells her that she was having a bad dream, and asks if it was about "him. The walkin' dude." Okay, remember how Hitchcock used to put himself in little blink-and-youll-miss-him cameos in his films? I love that King shows up in the adaptations of his books to say the stupid dialogue too cheesy for the real actors. Nadine claims not to remember her dreams, but then spies a crow sitting atop an empty car.

Boulder. August 7. Stu, Glen, Nick and Ralph sit in a big empty amphitheater lamenting the end of summer. They exposition that today is a big day, as they city of boulder is finally getting its power turned back on. This give Glen an opportunity to bitch about technology a little bit, because he's about 98 years old and was born by candle light under his Ma's kitchen table. He then makes the very logical point that everyone on the "good" side of the mountain claims the are simpering to the requests of Mother Abigail and her God, but the second she's done talking they go back to trying to revive the society that was almost killed off entirely by that same technology.

Tellingly, we then cut to Abigail laughing hysterically as she plays with a remote control lawn mower. Stu walks up wit Larry and Joe, but before anyone can say a word, all four notice a huge caravan of cars headed towards her house. At the front of the line is Stephen, who leaps out to greet the old woman, while Nadine looks uneasy. Her hair, it should be noted, has about 60% more gray in it then when she left Larry. She tries her best to get lost in the crowd flocking to Mother Abigail, but when she and Larry spot each other, she makes a break for it. Abigail spots her before she can get away and, sensing that she's full of Jamey Sheridan's proverbial penis, decides to call her out with a good old fashioned finger pointing. Larry makes this face (of course) while Nadine does her best to weird out the old lady. The awkwardness is interrupted by Joe, so Nadine takes off only to be stopped first by Stephen, who has been standing off to the side in the exact spot the director placed in him on the entire scene, and then Larry, who gives her some cheesy line about "leaving without saying goodbye." Laura San Giacomo is forced to stare at the ground and wander around in circles to compensate for Adam Storke's "Wha? Oh. Ayyyyy." acting style.

Later. Power Plant. Remember Susan Stern? No? Well, it doesn't matter, this is the only important scene she has. Anyway, Susan and some nerlinger named "Brad" push various buttons and pull levers while The Rest of the Cast hang out downstairs on the plant floor. Blah blah blah the power comes back on. Highlights of the scene include Tom covering his ears from the loud noise (which is adorable), and Larry showing us the entirety of his pit stain and then yelling, "ladies and gentlemen we are back!" He really did get every bad line in the movie. He then turns and kisses Lucy, in case anyone missed the point that, if an adult man and woman appear in a scene together, it should then be assumed that they are fucking. Speaking of which, Stu and Fran have some lines but I still really don't care. Harold rolls his eyes (natch). His geek hair is an impenetrable wall shielding his forehead from the outside world. I'm going to keep telling you everything that Harold does because I love him. Seriously. If puffy, 35 year-old Corin Nemec came to my door right now, I'd take my pants off. No shit. Dead people and their working appliances montage.

Mother Abigail's new and improved, non sound stage abode. She talks to God about Nadine. She tells Him that she's sinned by letting the "good" people come to her and treat her as their avatar. Ruby Dee really kills in this scene, which is a pleasant surprise in this movie at this point.

Big building, now with power. The Entire Cast meanders into a large hall for the meeting that Mother Abigail requested. Everyone but Nadine looks incredibly pleased with themselves. Stu walks to the front and begins to address the crowd, but the mic he has is a little hot. This makes everyone laugh and applaud at how great it is to have faulty equipment back. Lord, at this point I'm pretty sure I would've gone to Las Vegas. Stud suggests that they all sing the national anthem (ROLLING EYES EMOTICON) and of course the first one to stand up and sing is Creepy Teeth. I hate her so much, y'all. So, okay, everyone sings, the highlight (again) being being Tommy singing while Nick stands with his hand on Tom's heart and mouths along to the words he assumedly doesn't know. When they finish, they all clap for themselves again. I'm really starting to hate these people.

We then get a quick shot of Mother Abigail, in her nightgown, walking alone down a dark road saying only, "they will be done, Lord."

Back at the gathering of like-minded assholes, Stu says something about getting out of the meeting quickly so they can all have a beer. Then everyone fucking. Claps. Again. Make it stop. It's also of note that they're all holding programs, even though the timeline suggests that this is he same day they got the power back. Mighty fast work, that. The point of the meeting is that Mother Abigail has given them names for who she wants on the "Bould Free Zone committee," which I guess is some loosely defined governing body, and they all need to vote on the nominees (who are, by the way, Stu, Fran, Nick, Ralph, Susan, Glen, and Larry.) At this point, Lucy and Joe disappear to find Mother Abigail. Harold, even more tired of this shit than I am, moves to skip the voting and just accept the list as is, awesomely using the words "in toto." Harold felt the rains down in Africa. They ask the Judge if they're legally allowed to forgo voging (like it even matters at this point) and Ossie Davis, who continues to rule even harder than The Rat Man, responds, "You DAMN right you can." Everyone votes to adopt the committee, and then start clapping AGAIN. God.

At Mother Abigail's, Lucy finds a note that we don't get to see, but that turns her into that Will Forte SNL character that just yells, "OOOH NOOOOOOO!!!" over and over. The next shot is of Lucy and Joe bursting into the meeting hall as she shrieks, "she's gone!" One guy starts to clap, then realizing that he's read the room wrong, pretends he was just vigorously wringing his hands. Not really, but it would've redeemed the last ten minutes.

Back at Mother Abigail's, Glen read her note to the committee, which basically boils down to, "I sinned. Gotta be goin' now. Fend for yourselves. Peace out." Everyone makes a concerned face until Nick (via Ralph) points out that they need to trust Mother Abigail and focus on finding out more about Flagg. He suggests sending spies. Fran makes exasperated noises of disagreement, but everyone kind of knows that he's right. An aside to this scene is that, despite the fact I've done nothing but dump on him throughout this post, Gary Sinise looks really hot in this scene. Except for his small teeth, which have always bothered me. I'm going to go watch and episode of CIS: New York and be saddened by the ravages of age.

Everyone remember this moment. We're about to get what I thought we never would: a well acted Larry scene. Larry walks back to his house and finds his guitar on the porch. He picks it up and strums a bit all, "Baby, can you dig your C chord?" until he notices a very shaken Nadine coming up his walk. Immediately smelling trouble, Lucy come out on to the porch looking just a little frazzled. Larry, never taking his eyes off of Nadine, insists she go back inside, which she does with little enthusiasm. Nadine chuckles, and Larry asks what she's doing there in a way that is supposed to be dismissive but really conveys that he was never ready to have her gone. Nadine tries to apologize for leaving him, and he softens enough to pull her into a hug. She tells him that she made a mistakes, and he visibly flinches. You think for one moment he might actually debate leaving with her, but then she ruins it by insisting that he has to nail her so she can stay in Boulder. Larry gets real weirded out and kicks her ass to the curb. He tells her to "work it out" and Nadine gives him a crazy lady laugh. Inside his house, Lucy is sure he has come to collect his things and leave her, but Larry, actually a halfway decent human being at this point, sets her straight.

Nadine, meanwhile, is still crazy-laughing all the way back to her own house, which has a cute little pink motorcycle parked in the drive. Again, isn't this the same day? Fuck it, finding logic at this point is probably a lost cause. Nadine's front door is bright red, which is obvious at all. Inside, she is horrified to find the name "Harold Lauder" written all over the walls in blood. Suddenly, Flagg is there telling her to go to him. I don't ever want to be that close to that man's face ever again.

Next day. Or some other day, they aren't making this clear anymore. The committee is having a barbecue. Jokes are made about brining back Monday Night Football but Glen, being 702 years old and not having any time for this horseshit, gets right to business. He suggests that they send three scouts west to Las Vegas. Susan volunteers to go but Glen nixes it, reminding her that she's needed in Boulder and they don't know if any of their Mataharis will come back. Larry gets all bitchface about the fact that he's a politician now, then sarcastically nominates Judge Farris. The others, however, decide he might not be such a bad choice. Susan suggests Dana (Floor Guy's girlfriend). At this point, Larry gets seriously pissy about what they're doing, until Stu tells him to stop being such a whiny beatnik and get a little more, "Baby, can you dig your bureaucracy?" in his diet. Larry asks who the third "goat" is, and Nick looks concerned. Ralph, ever the helpful redneck, translates that Nick must have a "dilly" of an idea.

August 20. We're at a house with a yard filled to the brim with decorations. Inside, the committee members are sitting around a table while Glen hypnotizes (you guessed it) poor retarded Tom. Once he's under, Stu tells Tom that they need him to do something important for "the free zone." Tommy then spouts off some biblical sounding exposition about Flagg, telling the others that, "he's afraid of [them.]" Fran, easily confused, asks if this is the same Tom that met Nick in Oklahoma. Tom replies that he is, "God's Tom." I can't even make fun of that, but I'm so going to the forum to change my name to, "God's Em." Stu tells God's TOm that they want him to go west, to look at the airfields and listen to what people are saying about Flagg's plans. The best part (or the part they meant to be the best) is when Stu tells God's Tom to come back when the moon is full, and God's Tom naturally replies, "M-O-O-N, that spells moon." Awww. The actual best part is when Stu tells him that their big cover story for God's Tom is that they (the righteous people of God) threw him out for being feeble-minded and possibly knocking up a woman with idiot children. I love the idea that the human race has just barely begun to rebuild itself, but they're already bringing back eugenics. After all, they're sending a black man too.

August 21. Brad, Harold, Stephen King, and some other schmoes have the unenviable task of gathering up the bodies still strewn around Boulder. They're in a church where, Brad tells us, people often go to die if they don't die at home. Brad is clearly a font of knowledge, because he building is filled to the hilt with dead worshippers. Harold, as expected, pukes. again.

After a long day of putting bodies in trash bags, a very sweaty Harold returns home to find his front door ajar. Inside, Nadine, in her nicest, "fuck me but not really" dress, is at the landing of his stairs to tell him that she's made dinner and left wash water for him. Harold is completely confused but hides it well for a teenager who has probably never had a pretty (sorta) woman talk to him willingly before. At dinner, Nadine sips her wine and sashays across the dining room like a pro, then randomly decides to tell Harold about how deer have invaded the super market. Then, realizing that conversation isn't her strength, she gets on with the seduction. But Harold is about 90% boner already, so she doesn't have to work too hard. She tells him she knows he wants to go west to Flagg. Then, she informs him that she's a virgin just like he is, and that she's going to stay that way. But she makes it clear that she's willing to do all kinds of other stuff. Harold is not hard to convince.

At the Judge's house, he tells Larry that he thinks Mother Abigail being gone is a good thing, because it leaves people to make up their own mind about God. Then he breaks out the Sage Old Black man wisdom, telling Larry that he knows what he wants, and he will go west for them.

Back at the Oral Hacienda, Harold (who appears to be wearing only his boxers and knee socks, ring-a-ding-ding) basks in the afterglow of his first hummer while making it very clear that he did not return the favor for Nadine. Harold ponders on why Flagg wanted Nadine in his house, and Nadine tells him that they know he has reason to hate all of them. She promises that things will be better for him in Vegas, and then pours more wine down his throat.

August 25. Some road outside of town. Stu and Nick are putting Tom out to pasture. Seriously, they're making him ride his bike across the rocky mountains. God's Tom and Stud make small talk about Ralph lending Tom his hat. Nick just smiles benevolently, which is really all he's done in Part 3. Then he pulls a tag off of Tom's new shirt, and Tom breaks my heart by saying, "I'm always forgetting stuff like that. I hate being retarded!" Stu looks like he absolutely hates himself right now, which kind of makes me like him again. Tom and Nick hug, then off he goes.

Hospital. September 1. Hey, remember that tidbit about Fran being preggo? Let's explore that some more! Boulder's only doctor puts his stethoscope on Fran's stomach for about half a second and then deems her child, "fine." Well, my mind is at ease. Susan is there with Fran, and excitedly tells her how lucky she is, and that she and Brad are already trying for their own. Then Fran points out that nobody knows if the flu is gone yet, or if their babies will be immune. Susan looks like someone just peed in her Cheerios.

Dream sequence. Harold wanders around some blue lit warehouse in his jammies. Then there is this weird moment where like, the Crypt Keeper's crackhead cousin Randy comes to life and tells Harold that he's a "card." Harold replies that he is, indeed, a "wild card." I have no idea what is going on. Then jammy Harold stumbles upon a big pile of dynamite, and suddenly Flagg is there to roll back the prices. When Harold wakes, Nadine is standing behind him in a tiny nightgown, looking like she's about to freeze to death. Harold starts thinking aloud about the frequency of the committee's meetings, then tells Nadine that he's planning a "big loud" surprise for all of them. Nadine looks somewhat horrified at the notion. She then give the greatest line reading by anyone in the whole series when Harold tells her that she looks "juicy" and she actually appears to swallow her tongue before choking out, "do I?"

Indian Springs Air Force Base. September 7. Go-I mean SATAN's Tom wears a hard hat and eats a sandwich while random baddies talk about how little they know about Flagg's plans. Tom then wanders inside where he spies Trash excitedly raising a missile to the wing of a plane. Then Head Random Baddie finds Tom and proves why he's a Random Baddie by calling him a retard and telling him to get back to work. Back on the strip, Dana is doing some construction work, then turns around and sees Tom riding by. Tom looks shocked at the recognition. Dana looks somewhat bothered to see him, then calm when she realizes why he's there.

The villainous virgin vault. Harold listens to disco and makes a bomb. That seems about right. He looks like young George McFly. Nadine comes downstairs, cooling his boogy fever considerably. He tells her that if her were to drop the dynamite in his hand she'd be, "cleaning [his] guts out of [her] pretty white hair for the next two weeks. Which is funny, because he wig is awful. Nadine hates Harold so. Much. This situation is not improved by him ordering her to take a walk. He turns the volume up on his disco, and it's on like Vaughn.

September 8. Nadine carries a shoe box up the front walk of what I suppose is Fran and Stu's house, but it looks pretty much the same as the other houses we've seen in this city. A helpful graphic informs us that this is "the betrayal," which I thought was just a sharp name for Part 3, but is apparently relevant. Because I have never watched a movie before. Nadine finds the Teeth-Redman house empty, so she slinks right in and find a nearby closet in which to hide her shoebox. It should be noted that there are about a dozen ties hanging in the closet. I think that it's safe to say that those do not belong to Stu, which would mean they were worn by the deceased person who recently vacated the house they're squatting in. Which like, I just can't get over how creepy that is. Throw that shit out! Nadine hides the bomb and takes her leave. Back at the Vault, she and Harold clean up the evidence, both looking a bit bothered by what they're about to do. Harold finally says, "Nadine? We're damned." Nadine responds, "Yes. I know." with an air of resignation and the barest sign of a smile on her face. She is batshit crazy.

At Stu and Fran's, the meeting is beginning. Well all right.

At some park we've never seen before, everyone else in town is hanging out and having a barbecue. Generic girlchild from Part 2 is jumping rope, when she notices someone coming out of the woods. It's Joe, who has found Mother Abigail. She's not looking so hot either. She collapses in a huddle of people.

Nadine and Harold trudge up to the top of some hill where Harold fiddles with a remote control, commenting how beautiful the explosion will look from there.

Back at the meeting, various committee members are suddenly gobsmacked by Abigail's voice inside their heads. Ralph leaps up and insists that they have to get out of the house. Fran agrees. Nick (via Abigail) realizes that the bomb is in the closet and, in the least heroic moment of heroism I've ever seen, goes tearing through the house yelling as best he can, assumedly trying to warn the others, but it just comes out as, "UUUUUNNNNNNGGGHHHH!!" The sort of noise you usually only hear from disabled kids who are really pissed off. Nick finds the bomb as Harold, on his hill, speaks into a walkie-talkie that he is the one responsible, and he does it of his own free will. Which is of course lost on the deaf man holding his bomb. Kaboom.

Stu finds Fran unconscious in the front yard, and screams for help, which fades into...

Cornfield! Dream sequence! Fran awakens with a gasp, back in the fake corn. She find Mother Abigail sitting on her sound stage of love. Fran asks if she's dead, and Abigail assures her that she isn't. She tells Fran that Stu must lead, now that Nick is gone, and that he, Glen, Ralph, and Larry must go west to face Flagg. Fran gets all shrieky and insists that Stu has to stay with she and the baby. Abigail basically tells her that the kid is fucked. Then she sets her down to comfort her with some Bible-speak, ending with, "it's time to give yourself over to the will of God. It's time. . .to make your Stand."

...Which would seem like an appropriate place to end this, but no. Fran comes to in the hospital where pretty much everyone else is there waiting on she and Mother Abigail, one bed over. Fran asks who else died, and Stu lists a bunch of names we don't know, but ends with Susan Stern. Abigail comes to and tells the four men pretty much what she told Fran, but adding that they have to leave that day, with no food, in the clothes they are wearing. She speechifies some more, and her last words before she righteously dies are, "Be true. STAND."

...Which, again, would have been a nice place to end Part 3, but again, no. Everyone stands around on a road out of Boulder, delaying the inevitable. Larry and Lucy have a very sweet goodbye in which she does her best to be strong and not look too crazy-eyed. Fran, meanwhile, is whining like there's no tomorrow. She begs Stu to promise that he'll come back, but he won't, because he's pretty sure they're all up a creek. The four men (and Kojak! Score.) take off by foot down the highway. Larry has his guitar slung over his back. Baby, can you dig your mountainous pilgrimage to save humanity?