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SkyMall, Part 4

Originally published November 30, 2009: Happy holidays from SkyMall!

Previously on Progressive Boink:

It seems that in the time since my last installment of "make fun of dumb things in a catalog for dummies" there has been no shortage of the internet at large discovering how silly SkyMall is, from your run of the mill "blog" to the musings of the American public on their "Twitter accounts." HOWEVER, since it's a very special time of year and my ample belly is distended with the heaping portions of beef and turkey for which America is so famous, this will not deter me from typing "Holiday" into the SkyMall search function and roaring with laughter at whatever should happen to fall out of the other side.

Join me, won't you? IT BEGINS

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Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, $69.95

People love babies, naturally. The only thing that people love more than babies is dressing said babies up in silly costumes and squealing with delight, to such an extent that it wakes up the infant and the infant joins in the squealing, and then old people cry at the staunch reminder of their own fleeting mortality. In fact, I would daresay that unless you happen to be from Australia or New Zealand, most people would agree that a baby is the most adorable thing a person can shove out of their genitalia, and sticking this flailing creature in a costume amplifies its adorability by at least twice.

That being said, this is a pretty lousy costume. If it were some licensed, first-episode-of-The-Simpsons stiff orange star, it might be more amusing, but this is really only going to look like a star if you choose to lay your baby spread-eagle on a table and if you feel compelled to spend seventy bucks in order to do that, I think it's required that someone call Child Protective Services on you.

Shorthand: If you buy this, you're an asshole.

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Iced Egg Tray, $79.95

At this point I think it's been firmly established that the only people who buy anything from SkyMall are insufferable upper-class white people with too much disposable income and/or clinically-depressed upper-class white people who are desperately trying to fill the gaping hole in their souls by making compulsive purchases. Regardless, the Venn Diagram overlap of these two demographics would be labeled "DEVILED EGGS". They just can't get enough of those sumbitches. They want them every chance they can get them. Just grabbing huge handfuls and shoving them into their gaping bejowled mouths as quickly as possible. The only thing that they hate more than NO DEVILED EGGS is ROOM TEMPERATURE OR ABOVE DEVILED EGGS. Thankfully, the geniuses at SkyMall Labs have devised the perfect solution: a platter that safely holds and chills two dozen of these delectable beauties! No longer do these privileged whites have to awake in a flop-sweat fearing that there is no solution to the Warm Egg Conundrum!

btw this costs eighty dollars

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Heat by Design Picture Heaters,  $179.00 – $195.00

"Heat by Design is manufactured with your uploaded digital image or select from our gallery of photos. Create a one-of-a-kind look for your home or office AND better balance indoor temperature. The carbon fiber heating elements embedded behind the image will increase the temperature of medium sized rooms by 3 to 7 degrees F without the use of noisy fans. Increase the temperature of a room or office and enjoy the warmth of your framed photo or graphics!"

"Boss, boss!"

"Yeah, Johnson, what is it? I'm a busy man! Pictures By Design doesn't run itself, you know!"

"Well, it's just… there seems to be a problem with our new line of digital picture frames!"

"You mean the new line that we've sunk all of our capital into? The giant digital picture frames that we will be debuting as our sole product?"

"That's the one I mean, sir."

"Well, out with it! What's the rumpus?"

"Well… they've hit a snag that we didn't count on in research and development. It turns out that the built-in, unexpandable memory cards that we shored up from Turkmenistan only hold one picture."

"Hmm, okay, give me a minute here, maybe this will be okay. Just let me think…"

"Sir…"

"Dammit Johnson, what now?"

"W-well, sir… there's… ahem… there seems to be another problem."

"I'm listening."

"The picture frames run hot, sir. Far, far too hot. They generate about the same wattage as a very inefficient space heater. In short, they're obsolete, largely useless, and powerfully dangerous."

"…"

"Sir?"

"Heh, Johnson, I think I may have an idea. They didn't hire me as CEO of this company for nothing. Get me SkyMall on line one, and the patent office on line two. We're about to be rich!"

SkyMall chose to pair this item with a spectacularly creepy picture about which the less said, the better.

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NCAA Rivalry Ornament, $15.00

Who among us can forget the year that Texas A&M fielded a genetically-engineered giant for the Tostitos Bowl? The carnage that monstrosity inflicted upon the stunned populace lives on in painful reminders each time we cast our gaze skyward at the pitch-black dustclouds that formed in the aftermath of the Post-Tostitos Bowl World Monster War. Now, your children mutated by the fallout can fix their goopy eyes upon this commemorative ornament and learn about Earth's terrible history. Order now before our planet hurtles into the sun in a last-ditch effort to eradicate these shambling, atomically-enraged horrors!

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Snow Pal Snow Animal Kit, $5.97

"Roll the snowballs or pack the snow that will make up the snow animal's body, then use one of these kits to create a non-traditional snow pal! (Where's the creativity in building a typical snowman?)"

Pfft, you're still making traditional snowmen? Way to enforce your bourgeois ideals on the rest of us, you inbred sociopath. Some of our children have CREATIVITY and aren't afraid to THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. They choose to express themselves via the purchase of a set of predetermined shapes and then try to figure out how to make the show into a vague lump that they can then stick those shapes into in order to approximate some vague...you know, dragon, or dinosaur, or something. Look, just shut up.

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Sabertooth Tiger Dog Costume, $9.97

Granted, the "holiday" involved with this appearing as part of this SkyMall list is almost certainly Halloween, but I would be remiss if I did not say AHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN THING

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Singing Santa Inflatable Décor - $99.99

SkyMall is somewhat infamous for their less-than-tasteful lawn ornamentation. They offer so many sculptures and outside decorations that it's frankly hard to believe. They have an entire section for it, which can only mean that people not only buy these things, but continue to buy them in such numbers that not only does SkyMall continue to offer them, but they are in fact FEATURED.

This guy right here is a five-foot-tall inflatable Santa that "dances" and sings to the tune of "Let It Snow" alongside a jukebox that lights up! I assume this "dancing" is limited to waving that free arm up and down feebly and perhaps rocking ever so slightly as the music blares to the point of distortion through whatever two-inch cobbled-together speaker they've somehow crammed inside this. Obnoxious holiday decorations are unfortunate, but when sound enters into the mix, you are dealing with a perfect storm of dickhead and oaf. I lived next door to a family that insisted on outdoor decorations that featured or DANCED IN TIME to a soundtrack and let me tell you, it was all I could do to buy the biggest bag of Cheetos and never leave the house ever.

Santa Hat Chair Cover, $19.99

So you get invited to a Christmas party, and the grinning stumblebum that opens the door steers you tells you to sit wherever you like. When you opt to sit in the living room, where there are comfortable chairs and other guests and snacks, he comes back over to you and tells you to come in the dining room, because "You gotta see this." He can barely contain his panicked snickering.

When this happens, feel free to leave the party with all speed. There is no reason for you to have to feign amusement at a chair wearing a hat, and in fact it is within your legal rights to strike anyone who suggests otherwise.

Holiday Favorites Collection, $52.49

For starters, let's set aside that someone suggests the insipid remake of Miracle on 34th Street is a "Holiday Favorite" and let's move on to SkyMall's fact-checking department. The picture of the box clearly states that the box contains 34th Street, Home Alone, and Jingle All the Way. Two out of three ain't bad, I suppose. HOWEVER, the product description claims:

"Celebrate the holidays with this four-pack of classic Christmas features, including DECK THE HALLS, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK, MIRACLE ON 34th ST, and PRANCER "

Am I wrong? Is the 1994 version of "Miracle" the true selling point here? So much so that if someone plunked down upwards of $50 they wouldn't even care that they are getting three different movies than they thought they would be getting, or if it turns out the box is the accurate part, one fewer movie than they anticipated, so long as they get to watch their beloved Mara Wilson ham it up hammier than anyone has ever hammed in breathtaking 1080p?

This is some Dan Brown type shit here, and I suppose the only way to solve this riddle is to order the mystery pack. Who among us is daring enough to take this risk? Not me, is what I'm saying.

Holy Family Yard Art, $39.99

Celebrate the holidays with this visual illustration of why you should never take an infant to a rave. Dig these blissed-out goofballs trying to freak each other right after someone has blown VapoRub in their eyes. That baby's gonna get left on the roof of someone's car right alongside a Super Big Gulp of Gamer Fuel come 4 AM, I swear.

Christmas Star of Bethlehem, $29.99

The best part of this product is how overtly Christian it touts itself as being. IN and of itself, it's just a star ornament. That's it. Someone decided that "Christmas Star" wasn't a descriptive enough name for this product, because the manufacturer wanted to make it perfectly clear that this is NOT some generic "holiday" star that perhaps the Jews might get their hands on.

"Say, is that a Hanukkah star you got there?"

God, NO. THIS IS A CHRISTMAS STAR, YOU FILTHY CUR. A CHRISTMAS STAR OF BETHLEHEM. GET AWAY FROM ME

They should have just called this product "AWESOME STAR ORNAMENT FOR CHRISTIANS ONLY. NO JEWS PLEASE."

Lighted Bethlehem Star, $39.97

Likewise, we have this "Lighted Bethlehem Star" which takes some of the guesswork out of the equation by essentially being a radiant, neon cross. For those Christians who choose to make their lifestyle known via illuminating your godless neighbors' bedrooms throughout the night.

Benefits: no one is going to drive by your house and ever mistake this for a Star of David.

Drawbacks: possibility of waking up in the morning to find that sleeping underneath this Bethlehem Star is a suicidal Vietnam vet.

Alternatives: modify a flashing "Eat at Joe's" neon sign to read "Not a Jew's"

Peanuts Christmas Snow Gauge, $34.99

Most people rely on things like weather reports to determine how much snow has accumulated during the evening. These people obviously don't get any sort of sadistic glee from watching their favorite iconic cartoon characters maintain their rictus grins while the snow piles up around their short pants and eventually consumes them. If you try, you can even imagine their horrified screams as their mouths fill with slush and they succumb to hypothermia. Did I mention that the gauge goes from "Let It Snow!" to "Good Grief!"?

But that's not all!

Benefits of the Peanuts Christmas Snow Gauge:

  • What better way to see how deep the snow is than with the Peanuts Christmas Snow Gauge

this is listed as a benefit

Cabin Cuddler, $29.99 or three for $74.99

Everyone knows about the Snuggie fad that is sweeping the nation! Here at SkyMall, our stance on Snuggie is, fuck those guys! Does Snuggie feature a foot-warming pouch? FUCK NO. That is the Cabin Cuddler. That foot pouch? That shit is PATENTED, son. WE TOOK OUT A PATENT ON THAT FOOT-WARMING POUCH AND WE SAID "HEY MAKE SURE THAT PATENT ALSO READS ‘FUCK SNUGGIE' ALL ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF IT"

Does Snuggie come with a personal pillow? I don't think so! We give you a pillow that is just for you. You don't have to share it with anyone, no matter what. How about a pillow-case and a carrying case for your personal, contoured, body-fitting blanket? Look at how Cabin Cuddler is hooking you up!

Know what Snuggie doesn't do? It doesn't let you have your whole arms and torso out of it. Look at that dude on the right there all operating his laptop! That dude is HAPPY AS SHIT.

Order now and you can get your Cabin Cuddler customized with embroidery featuring America's lovable scamp, Calvin, taking a dump on a helpfully-labeled Snuggie!

Outdoor Power Center-Timer, $34.99

If there's one thing that SkyMall patrons understand, it's the importance of going green!

And by "going green," I mean "buying a green box for the yard, into which I can plug all of my horrendously fucking wasteful outside electronics."

Pictured here: an indignant old honky programming his snowblower, industrial smokestack, 1:35 scale outdoor train set, swamp cooler, and doomsday alarm to all go off at 2:44 AM.

Kneeling Santa Yard Display, $129.99

wait is this blasphemous or

For the low, low price of $130 plus shipping, you can witness the little-told and apocryphal tale of Santa Claus sacrificing his firstborn. Amuse the neighborhood! 4 blood capsules included, refills sold in packs of 2.

Thomas Kinkade Holiday Tree, $149.95

If you are not familiar with Thomas Kinkade (man, is that really how it's spelled? I can't ever type that without capitalizing the second "k" for some reason), he is a disgustingly rich Christian painter (similar to a Christian landscaper or a Christian guy-who-works-in-an-office) who is touted as being the "painter of light". So, uh...here's a porcelain electronic gaudy Christmas tree which doesn't really have anything to do with him. I wish someone wanted to pay me to slap my name on every piece of shitty merchandise. I'd have my name on assault rifles, baby-stabbing machines, whatever they'd pony up the dough for.

Motion Projector, $99.99

Whether you have the DTs or just wish you did, use the Motion Projector year-round! Added bonus: No one will ever come over again!

Christmas Stocking Stand, $24.99

"Perfect if you don't have a mantel, or you have heirloom stockings to display."

Granted, I don't know a lot about marketing, but if you're touting the benefits of a product that relies upon someone not having a mantel, DON'T SHOW A FULL FIREPLACE AND MANTEL IN THE DEMONSTRATION PHOTOGRAPH.

This is some sad, sad stuff right here, but it can't hold a candle to our last item. (Although it can hold up to eight "heirloom stockings"!)

Wrought Iron Tree, $199.00

So It's Come To This: there are people who want to display Christmas ornaments, but do not want to deal with a lovely, attractive, lush, vibrant, living tree. They don't want the heavenly pine aroma or the ambiance it adds to the room. They don't want to string lights or tinsel or garland or see the way the light catches the ornaments and juxtaposes against the green needles. They don't want to have to bother with a drop cloth or vacuum up the fallen needles. They don't want to risk a chance of sap on their hands, or (god forbid) lose one of their precious ornaments in the thickness of the tree when it's time to throw it out. They don't want to deal with a lopsided tree, or one with a bare spot, or any of those things which give a tree character and make having a Christmas tree special.

Nope, none of that, not for these people. Just COME IN AND DIG THESE FUCKING ORNAMENTS YOU GUYS

And these are the people who shop with SkyMall.

Happy Holidays, everyone!