Previously on Progressive Boink:
And now, we proudly present Part Three of our ongoing SkyMall saga: Health & Wellness.
Clic Readers, $39.95
Tired of normal glasses, with their out-of-date "slide onto your face" analog technology? Well, look no further! Presenting the Clic Readers! Yes, no longer will you have to agonize over those precious nanoseconds wasted hefting unwieldy eyeglasses over your bulbous nose to perch astride your fine-haired ears like some sort of lowly ape. We have removed the chore of donning eyewear. Now, simply feel around for either side of the glasses handing around your jowly neck and attempt to have them meet around your face using the power of magnets! Be the envy of your neighbors as you cross your eyes and stick your tongue out trying to line up these beauties! Don't worry about them sitting crooked on your face due to the inefficient science behind magnet technology; it's the sign of a true winner!
Max Digital Handeld Magnifier, $395.00
Yes, "Handeld." SkyMall needs to charge you four hundred bucks for this device so they can afford to hire an editor.
As you can see in this hastily Photoshopped image, you will be happy as a clam to find that even in 1974, you can relax at your kitchen table, velvet bloused arms resting comfortably on the flocked tablecloth as you wave the magical CB radio receiver over hard-to-read items. They'll show up in "real-time" on your computer monitor straight away! No need to use a mouse, keyboard, or indeed central processing unit. Four hundred dollars well spent, I say.
The dial is presumably to change the frequency so you can let Big Baby know when Smokey is on his tail. Man, that tablecloth! Your card table has never looked better!
Floor Standing Magnifier Lamp, $279.95
In keeping with SkyMall's dedication to making all sorts of things appear as though they are closer to your face, we are pleased to present our most inconvenient way to read yet! This lady here is taking a much-needed break from figuring out a way to have even less things in her house by perusing "Harold and the Purple Crayon" at arm's length. This is a useful tool for knitting, darning or cutting precious stones, but god damn if we won't show the most ridiculous demonstration of uses and the one least suited to actually marketing the thing!
Deluxe Prism Glasses, $49.95
"Ohhhh waaoooowwww man. This shit is finally kicking in."
"We've found the perfect solution for those who like to read in bed or watch TV while lying flat on your back."
I don't want to say this company caters to a niche market, but I think I could also interest them in a specialty product for people who enjoy eating ice cream cones in the shower.
"The prism turns the page to a 90 degree angle right before your eyes, eliminating the need for head movement. Lie on your back with your head upon the pillow as normal, and you'll be able to read the book which rests comfortably on your chest. Brilliant optical quality."
In all honesty the best part of this is that the picture is clearly taken in the recliner section of a drug store where they happen to sell the glasses. Hey college girl cutting through the store on your way to work at the coffee shop, how'd you like to make ten bucks? Slap these ridiculous periscope goggles on and hop in the chair.
"The DermaSeptic is highly effective against herpes, cold sores, warts and fever blisters. These skin disorders are caused by viral infections that begin under the surface of the skin and then erupt to last for weeks."
Geez, tell me about it. One time, I had herpes for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. This Dermaseptic cleared that shit right up. All I had to do was rub this box all over my junk. Ironic, since that's how I got the herps in the first place. Ho ho! Zing.
Personal Germ Eliminator, $29.95
"Harness the same UV sterilizing technology used in hospitals, restaurants and industry in a Personal Germ Eliminator. Compact size allows you to take it anywhere… to sanitize telephones, keyboards, bathroom surfaces, hotel pillows, kitchen utensils and more. The UVC light kills bacteria, viruses, yeasts and molds in seconds, including influenza, salmonella, staph and E. coli."
Sadly, this device also makes dried semen 100% more visible. You win some, you lose some.
Time to Stop Snoring Wristband, $49.95
"Wear it on your wrist when going to sleep and the tiny microphone detects snoring and sends safe electronic pulses to the wrist.
"The pulses are not powerful enough to disrupt your sleep, but will make you change position and then the snoring stops. Two intensity levels. Extended use may actually train the body to stop snoring."
Horrifying Glimpse of the Future Labs brings you the Stop Snoring Directive. Scientists have proven that getting electrocuted is the best way to stop you from doing anything. Test versions featured an experimental third intensity level which would kill you instantly upon snoring. Next up, the Time to Stop Queering Collar.
UpEasy Lifting Cushion, $129.95 – $199.95
Experience endless hours of fun with this Granny Catapult. Not pictured: inevitable granny stains.
Well, here's who to blame. SkyMall is partially responsible for putting your children on leashes. On the other hand, how else are we expected to set unreasonable expectations for our daughters by impressing upon them the importance of figure skating when they are barely able to walk? Remember, everyone: putting knives on your child's feet builds character, but only when it's in the context of a sporting event. And before you ask, yes, toddler cockfighting counts.
PEARL - Permanent Escape And Rescue Ladder, $339.99
Pictured: Child using escape ladder without adult supervision.
Not pictured: Bleeding heart leftists calling for government-mandated escape ladder control.
Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar, $299.99
Continuing SkyMall's rich tradition of depicting people flat on their backs tripping balls, the Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar is a "bar" in the sense that there is oxygen, and music, so shut up.
"Work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health. This device helps you feel rejuvenated and relaxed. Breathing 30% oxygen-enriched air from the included headset gives your body the clean, fresh oxygen it craves."
Dig that subtle teetotal jab in the description. General Jack D. Ripper would be very proud of this truly American innovation. The description also boasts "no replacement parts needed" which is really just a fancy way of letting you know you'll have a $300 paperweight if the thing stops working or starts reeking of your patchouli-drenched face, whichever comes first. You filthy hippies and your "oxygen." I don't know what caused global warming, but I do know that Jesus wants us to drill for oil in American orphanages. DRILL BABY DRILL
PowerLung, $89.99 – $99.99
Now at a glance, this may seem like some sort of "personal stimulator" but I will have you know that SkyMall will not stand for any representations of anything untoward.
………movin along then
Recliner Risers, $19.98
God damn it honey, your grandmother is crapping in that chair again. Get me the spray bottle.
Night Sweat Alarm, $139.99
"If you're bothered by night sweats, try this monitor. When it senses perspiration, it vibrates and sounds an alarm so that you can wake up and remove blankets or take other corrective action.
"Saves you time and trouble changing moist sheets and sleepwear. Wear on wrist or ankle with the comfortable elastic strap."
God, the time and trouble I could have saved over the years with changing all my thoroughly soaked sleepwear. I would be remiss not to mention that the woman in the picture is wearing nothing on either of her wrists. Thankfully, this is not some fly by night industry and SkyMall saw fit to include a picture of the actual product.
Well! I for one am thankful to see that my $200 (plus shipping) will not be wasted on some shoddy-looking piece of equipment. And the manufacturers were insightful enough to realize that my night sweats cause me great shame and embarrassment, so they made the product discreet by including the enormous block letters NIGHT SWEAT ALARM. Thanks, Giant Bio Sensor! GIANT BIO SENSOR
Driveway Net, $89.99
I am endlessly disappointed that the picture did not depict the child barreling headlong into the net on his trike. Instead, I'll have to be content imagining that someone just finished winging the ball at that kid in order to demonstrate how a NET works. I'll tell you one thing, though: When that kid learns to offroad, we're all fucked.
"The Ston-O-Max helps build your muscles by causing them to contract – WITHOUT ELECTRICITY! The Ston-O-Max helps reduce pain. The massaging action promotes blood circulation to rid yourself of muscle soreness."
God, make up your mind. The Ston-O-Max is so named because the only people who would be convinced this has any merit are dudes who happened to glance up at the television at 2 AM following a monster bong rip.