Rating the Le Trios
Nobody remembers Pat Smear
Written by Nick on March 30th - 2004

When it comes to music I'd like to consider myself a semi-learned fan. By no means do I consider myself an expert in any sense, which is why the opinions I express in this article should never be regarded for more than the fodder they are. The ink tones I chose for my captions really stand out when you burn the printed version of this article. I'm considerate like that.

MY OPINION: Bands that consist of three members are more than underrated. These bands consist of the bare essentials, with no room for an untalented slum. That's the problem with many of today's four-person and five-person bands; they have one or two standout musicians while the rest of the band is comprised of the nameless bass player, the generic backup guitarist, and the fat drummer who knows one beat. That's another good thing about trios: it's easier to remember all the members in the band. Nothing looks worse than talking to someone about a band and forgetting what the bass player's name is. YOU ARE THEN A POSER, NUBE.

So allow me to honor those brave three men who put forth the effort that Linkin Park/Dave Mathews Band refuse to, with a humble article produced from the fingertips of a quasi-goth quasi-punk quasi-emo quasi-scenester quasi-faggit. I will be using a sort of "Saphometer" as seen in B and Emily's Lesbian articles to rate the Le Trios, called the "Lemeter". Enjoy.

Green Day

Billie Joe Armstrong - Guitar/Lead Vocals
Mike Dirnt - Bass/Backup Vocals
Tre Cool - Drums

Songs: When I Come Around, Going to Pasalacqua, Sassafras Roots, Jinx.

PROS: The first trio I ever learned to appreciate, as far as I can remember. They made hair dye fun, instead of scary and goth-like. The music is excellent. They have such a wide range of songs that it's almost impossible for someone with honest conscience to say they do not like a single one.

CONS: Pretty much created pop-punk with a single swipe of a pen, signing with Warner Bros. Music. Most dedicated Green Day fans found this a disgusting act, but I don't mind it so much. I like the new music, and quite honestly the sound quality is much better. Some call it selling out, I call it progressing.

Rating: 4 Lemmy

The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Jimi Hendrix - Guitar/Vocals
Noel Redding - Bass
Mitch Mitchel - Drums

Songs: Purple Haze, Fire, Crosstown Traffic

PROS: Jimi Fuckin' Hendrix.

CONS: This is actually a case where I think being in a trio was a bad idea. Jimi Hendrix, perhaps the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen, plays guitar while he sings. It's only natural to think that when someone stops singing while they play guitar, they play better. So what happens when the disputed "Best Guitarist Ever" stops singing? Just my opinion.

Rating: 4.5 Lemmy

POKEMON REFERENCE

Dugtrio

PROS: Uses DIG to defeat ghost and water type pokemon.

CONS: No hands, really doesn't leave much as far as music is concerned. Singing is pretty much out of the question, seeing as it can only grunt and say "Dugtrio".

Rating: Pokemon seen 131, Pokemon caught 27. You still need more pokemon!

/POKEMON REFERENCE

Alkaline Trio

Matt Skiba - Guitar/Vocals
Dan Andriano - Bass/Vocals
Derek Grant - Drums

Songs: Trouble Breathing, Radio, Stupid Kid

PRO: Goths in threes = Much more tolerable. Goths tend to piss me off, but in small groups they're quite charming. See THE BREEDS OF MUSIC FANS for more.

CONS: More drummers than Spinal Tap. It's almost hard to keep track, though it does seem as though Derek is going to hang around for a while, methinks.

Rating: 4.5 Lemmy

The Living End

Chris Cheney - Guitar/Lead Vocals
Scott Owen - Bass/Backup Vocals
Andy Strachan - Drums

Songs: Save The Day, Don't Shut the Gate, End of the World

PROS: Probably the best band ever, more or less. Chris Cheney is to song writing as what kwik kleen is to washing cars. He's been playing guitar since he was 6 and admits that it's the only hobby he has, given the binge drinking. Scott is an amazing bass player who has never had a lesson in his life, and the fact that he plays an upright bass makes him boss. I'm not a big fan of Andy, the new drummer, but he fills the spot pretty well. Andy is to The Living End as Artie Lange was to replacing Chris Farley's spot with David Spade.

Am I fat enough?

I actually had the honor of hanging out with these young chaps for the small part of an afternoon a few weeks back, and I have to say that they are some of the coolest guys I've been privileged to talk to. They were very drunk.

CONS: Them being from Australia limits their United States touring time. Other than that, they're pretty Kevlar.

Rating: 5 Lemmy

Destiny's Child

Beyonce Knowles - Vocals
Kelly Rowland - Vocals
Michelle Williams - Vocals

Songs: No No No, Jumpin' Jumpin', Bills Bills Bills

PROS: They enjoy writing songs that repeat words over and over. It's really the only way to get a message across to kids nowadays, what with their rap music and all, I don't blame them.

CONS: The Music. I am the first straight guy to admit he likes Justin Timberlake and all that jazz, but this music is just plain awful. Reminds me of Klimaxx.

Rating: 0.5 Lemmy

Ben Folds Five

Ben Folds - Piano/Lead Vocals
Robert Sledge - Bass/Backup Vocals
Darren Jesse - Drums/Backup Vocals

Songs: Brick, Song for the Dumped, Army

PROS: Interesting mix of instruments that really seem to go together well. Ben Folds is an amazing pianist with a great voice. Sledge is also the man. Jazz drummers rule the school, and Mr. Jesse is a jazz drummer, so that makes him the balls.

CONS: Ben Folds sucks without the band. He released an album and an EP after the band broke up, and I can't say I'm impressed. Sledge plays in a band called International Orange with Django and Jesse plays with some crappy southern band. International Orange is pretty good, but besides that: PHHHHHHHHHHHT, more like Ben Folds 3.

Rating: 3.5 Lemmy

Blink 182

Tom Delonge - Guitar/Vocals
Mark Hoppus - Bass/Vocals
Travis Barker - Drums

Songs: Dammit, What's My Age Again?, Josie

PROS: Best drummer of my era, being Travis.

CONS: For however good Travis is at drums Tom and Mark are just as bad at their respective instruments. I went to see Green Day in concert and Blink happened to be playing as well. I went, all the same, only to have my ears bleed from Tom's squeaky prepubescent voice. Not only this, but most of the members have opened their own line of clothing. Wicked. Lame.

Rating: 2 Lemmy

TLC

T-Boz - Vocals
Left-Eye - Vocals
Chilli - Vocals

Songs: Waterfalls, No Scrubs, Creep

PROS: Left-Eye is hott.

CONS: Left-Eye died.

Rating: Dead

Well I hope you've all learned to appreciate the number 3 as well as I have! For all your pirates out there, give a few songs that I put up a shot and if you like the music, try a CD. Every time you burn a CD Brittany Spears drinks and gets married. It's your tax-money, people.

One love.

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee