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The Breeds of Music Fans
Gotta catch 'em all!
Written by Nick on March 9th- 2004

It seems more evident in this day and age than any other how drastically music can impact the culture within which it resides. This is due to how accepting a people we are of stereotypes and the misconceptions we lead to. Allow me to take this opportunity to completely make an ass of myself and label several groups of people by the harsh backgrounds they have been associated with. Italians kill for money and Mexicans like to sleep in the sun.

It's with this ignorant mindset that I'm allowed the privilege of making fun of numerous groups of people as thought they all shared but one collection of common traits. This, my colleagues, is the American way.

Here are some key points you should consider when living:

1. The type of music you like determines:
    a. The way you dress
    b. The type of people you hang out with
    c. Whether or not you will attend prom
2. Chicks/Dudes dig a dude/chick who has a defined taste in music
3. Old = Funny Cool. Vinyl records are a complete inconvenience and sound like shit, and the only reason people still use them is to "era spin it backwards" and to be 1337.
4. 1337 stands for "Leet"
5. Or "Elite"
6. Boom-boxes are still cool
7. I am half-tempted to stretch to list to reach #1337, where I will post a picture of myself
8. nvm

To further backup my personal discoveries I established an interview with former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr:

Nick: "So what's it like being the worst Beatle?"
Ringo: "…"
Nick: "Do you prefer 'the least talented Beatle'?"
Ringo: "…"
Nick: "Crikey!"

As you have well observed by now, most the entire world seems to recognize this theory as established truth. With this in mind we are now allowed to progress with this notion to the next step:

Having sex with every available orifice in the kitchen

Classifying the breeds of music fans:

Goths

Favorite Bands: Switchblade Symphony, Dead Can Dance, Delirium
Patches posers have on their backpacks: Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, The Cure
You can find them: at cemeteries, dark coffee shops, and parent's basements
At Hot Topic they buy: leather bracelets with spikes on them, shirts that suggest that they do not like you
Nick's Note: It should be known that the Goths are a dangerous breed, brooding from the underbellies of high schools everywhere. Notorious for their passionate love for black clothing and painfully misplaced jewelry, they are not hard to pick out. It's through my personal experience with Goths that I state the following: Goths are tough on the outside, mushy puffs on the inside. Don't be fooled, most every Goth you encounter will probably help a Samaritan in need, though they claim to have every Faces of Death DVD available. Also observed: most Goths are indeed ticklish.

Goths also carry the stereotype of self-mutilation, which I will now make light of with the second of three pokemon references within this post.

Wild SOCIETY has appeared!
Go! GOTH!
GOTH uses sympathy!
SOCIETY is unaffected!
SOCIETY uses outcast!
It's super effective! GOTH hates "Hey Ya"!
GOTH is burned by outcast and secludes in a dark crevice!
GOTH uses black mascara!
Critical hit!
SOCIETY uses confusion!
GOTH has become confused!
GOTH hurts itself in confusion!
GOTH has fainted!

Scenesters

Favorite Bands: YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THEM
Patches posers have on their backpacks: …argyle….socks……..
You can find them: outside of the local cd store, outside the local movie theatre, and usually just walking from place to place because everyone else drives and they won't conform and they listened to every band before anyone else even knew they existed let alone when they were on MTv hey give me my glasses back
At Hot Topic they buy: black-framed glasses with no lenses, baby tees with pictures of Mario slam-dunking the Duck Hunt dog through a pixilated hoop with the caption "I LIKE OLD THINGS"
Nick's Note: Scenesters are non-aggressive by nature, but when given the proper conditions and tempo, skanking should be expected. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, skanking is when you kick one of your legs straight out and swing the opposite hand outward, then repeat with the opposite appendages. This is a much easier way of dancing than the Goth's "Time Warp", which is basically just stepping this way and that. A lot more conventional too, if you ask me. These people also love telling you that they loved Further Seems Forever, which consisted of a non-popular Chris Caraba. Liking a band/artist before they were famous = scenester++.

Emo Kids

Favorite Bands: Good Charlotte, New Found Glory, Simple Plan
Patches posers have on their backpacks: Good Charlotte, New Found Glory, Simple Plan
You can find them: at the mall, their wicked ugly girlfriend's house
At Hot Topic they buy: temporary tear tattoos, wristbands for each day of the week
Nick's Notes: Emo Kids are the most harmless of all the breeds, mostly in part for their lack of a physical muscle. The only muscles they exercise on a regular basis are their tear ducts. Seriously, that's their claim to fame; crying. They couldn't think up a common trait better than being a pussy. F for effort.

Punks

Favorite Bands: The Sex Pistols, Bad Religion, Black Flag
Patches posers have on their backpacks: Blink 182, Misfits, AFI
You can find them: grounded because they got their lip pierced when their parents told them not to, or most anywhere else you would expect to see a 13 year-old wearing an anarchy symbol.
At Hot Topic they buy: Hair gel/dye for that oh-so-charming Mohawk, t-shirts with pictures of George W. Bush on it with the quote "Not My President" written below it. Funny how they can't vote yet, or their opinion would actually matter.
Nick's Notes: Punk kids are usually very stupid. They claim to be against conformity, yet 85% of the opinions they possess have been handed down to them from appealing role models. Ask a punk why he doesn't like George Bush and you're sure to receive about 2 minutes of pure, unadulterated protein puddles. Then ask him what presidential party Mr. Bush belongs to, given you won't slap a kid for saying "Communist".

Thugalicious

Favorite Singers: 2pac, Notorius B.I.G., Ice T
Thugs that posers have been shot by: 50 cent, G-unit, 50 cent ft. G-unit
You can find them: playing basketball, rolling dubs while flipping switches in the low lows, bro.
At Foot Locker they buy: shoes
Nick's Notes: They may be thugalicious, but they can probably still beat the crap out of you. Keep snide comments about baggy pants and exposed underwear to yourself, and later to a friend when the coast is clear. Proceed to sip Bacardi like it is your berfday.

Old School Rockers

Favorite Bands: Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Jimi Hendrix
Patches posers have on their backpacks: Steely Dan, Van Morrison, Jimmy Buffet
You can find them: in their musty old rooms where they carefully drop the needle on timeless artifacts from previous ages, complaining about new music at the record store.
At Hot Topic they buy: cigarette tins, oversized belt-buckles, and those fake parking tickets you put on people's windshields as a practical joke.
Nick's Notes: The Old School Rockers do not possess a sense of humor, as they have had it removed after years and years of misuse. Usually depicted as the quiet kid or QUITE the musician, they have kept their dignity through years and years of aging, just as a fine wine.
Lynard Skynard says: rebel against your northern brethren!

Ravers

Favorite Bands: ???
Bands posers like: ???
You can find them at: Raves lol.
At Raves they buy: pacifiers, ecstasy, glow sticks
Nick's Notes: The Ravers are a very mysterious breed, sort of like Mewtwo from Pokemon. Little is known about these sick pups, but one thing is for sure: They like drugs and lots of 'em. When the oxygen bar just isn't enough, it's time to suck on a binky and wave a ball of glow sticks around like a 4 year-old.

Idiots

Favorite Bands: Chumbawumba, Aqua, The guy who wrote the theme to The Bernie Mac Show.
Patches posers have on their backpacks: Post-It notes that say "muzac", ice cream sandwiches, and Sacagawea dollars

Not my president

You can find them: at the supermarket pretending to hump the frozen turkeys, eating car keys.
At the pet store they buy: large, obnoxious animals
Nick's Notes: This has absolutely nothing to do with music whatsoever, yet I felt I was a little too straightforward with this whole article, and I was also pretty short on my word count, hope you guys don't mind. Again, you have my sincerest apology.

Did I miss several categories of music fans? Yes, but look at it this way; I have now left the door open for a Breeds of Music Fans II, which will again include a sincere apology to all those loyal readers who had to skim through my crap because I decided to go on a heroine induced tangent and put in a caption of a silver dollar. You should be thankful that I didn't resort to that photoshopped picture of Gene Shalit I've been saving for a rainy day. I'll let the forums vote as to whether or not it will appear in my next post, assuming I'm given the chance to post again.

If anything, I hope you've learned that you can judge a person by their cover, no matter how indiscrete or incorrect. If a person didn't want to be judged by their clothes they wouldn't have pot leaves all over them, or would at least have the decency to cover their bathroom battle-wounds.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some minorities to discriminate.

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee

PART TWO