The Stand
A good place to put The Television
written by Emily on December 13, 2025

Previously on "The Stand,"... well, just go read it for yourself.

II

We start off in Maine. It is June 29, and Creepy Teeth is singing a little hymn as she tearfully stitches her father into a body bag. Outside, a relatively chipper Harold pulls up in a fancy Caddy and finds Fran struggling to move her father's body down to the front door. Harold looks understandably horrified at the sight of his lifelong crush dragging a corpse down the stairs, but agrees to help her move it outside, where she can bury him in his garden.

That night, the last two citizens of Ogunquit, Maine drink lemonade and talk about how strange the world seems now that everyone is dead. Harold pulls some line out of his ass about how much he misses all the people who were mean to him, and then tries in vain to convince Fran that it is their job to repopulate civilization, since now he may actually be the last man on earth. And really, how many nerds get to live the hypothetical? Fran shrugs him off, claiming that there must be other people somewhere and Harold, so used to rejection that he doesn't miss a beat, suggests that they head to Stovington, Vermont, also known as the place where Alf's Dad is turning to fertilizer as they speak. Fran squeals and excitedly hugs Harold, and he tries not to let his erection take out any furniture. He then points (heh) out that all of the roads are jammed (which is so odd to me. Like, the entire country is ten minutes from death. How many of them are thinking, "damn, I need to hit Meijer for some ramen and light bulbs"?) and asks Fran if she can ride a motorcycle. Fran can, as her boyfriend Jess taught her. Realizing that Jess is dead, Harold takes this opportune moment to suggest that perhaps HE could be her boyfriend. Fran pats him on the shoulder and tells him that they'll, "always be friends," proving that even during the crisis on infinite earths, her repertoire of pretty girl brush off lines is still in tact.

Fran then at least has the decency to look contrite for about .027 seconds before squealing again and running off, only to return with a record player that she found in her garage. She decides to play Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over," and they sit together quietly in one of the film's fem emotionally subtle moments. Then Fran ruins it by sadly laying her head on Harold's leg, about a minute after having rejected him for the 80 billionth time. Harold has about five orgasms while trying to lay his hand on her shoulder, and the song takes up into a montage of Dead Maine. The images range from fairly sad (an abandoned teddy bear washing onto shore) to ridiculous (a person who appears to have died of the flu while riding the fucking Scrambler).

The montage ends with a shot of Larry, who is neither dead nor in Maine, but who does look about two seconds from having to catch his own deluge in a paper cup. It is June 30 in New York City. Larry wanders around (god, how many times have I typed the phrase, "wanders around" already, and I'm not even 1/3 finished) Central Park yelling for any sign of life, until running into (new character!) a gun-wielding Laura San Giacomo. Larry and Nadine (San Giacomo) make crazy-eyed faces of appreciation at each other, and then discuss how many dangerous people are still alive in NYC. Larry then takes notice of a dead Kareem (keeled over from the heart attack prescribed by Evil Mel Gibson in Part One), saying that he remembers him, and how he claimed that, "monsters were coming." Nadine, sadly, just replies, "he was right."

Cut to the pair in some abandoned restaurant, trying to enjoy a nice meal before being startled by the sound of gunfire. Larry claims that they have to get out of the city, making the very good point that New York is going to be a very smelly place come July. Nadine responds by pulling out a bottle of pills, which Larry takes issue with, but her pill-popping never really goes anywhere, so fuck it. She then asks where they might go, and Larry says that he's been having dreams of an old black woman in Nebraska, and they should head towards her. Nadine looks frightened at first, but quickly covers it with derision. When Larry asks if she has dreamt of anything similar, we get a quick shot of her in the desert with Evil Mel, before she angrily claims that no, she never dreams.

That same day in an Arizona penitentiary, poor murdering Lloyd, the only inmate still alive, yells for someone, anyone, to let him out of his cell before he starves to death. He lifts his mattress to reveal a dead rat, pokes it a little, and says, "just in case" before going back to his yelling.

New character! In Powtanville Hills, Indiana, a rather strange and derelict looking man runs frantically along a set of railroad tracks while hilariously singing Larry's shitty song. He then comes across a huge oil refinery, the sight of which has him almost drooling. He climbs to the top of what I assume to be a giant vat of oil, opens a little hole in the top, and giddily throws in several sticks of dynamite. His happiness is interrupted bye the voices in his head, namely the voices of children from his childhood who called him, "Trash" and made fun of him for being a fire bug. Trash writhes in pain at the their voices, but they are soon drowned out by the voice of Evil Mel, who I should point out kind of sounds kind of like Triple H in this scene. The mystery of Evil Mel just gets deeper and deeper. He tells Trash that all of the people who made fun of him are dead and can't hurt him anymore. Feeling much better about wanting to blow things up, Trash then pulls out a little timer that he has connected to the dynamite, sets it, and takes off running. He makes it to an open field before the whole show explodes. He jumps around in victory a little bit before again hearing the bodiless voice of Evil Mel calling for, "The Trash Can Man." Trash turns, but sees nothing but the same big black crow that keeps appearing. This doesn't stop Trash from whispering, "my life for you" over and over as the refinery burns behind him.

We next see the crow on a soundstage made to look like Nebraska, where Mother Abigail comes forth from her outhouse, talking to God about how well her prunes worked. Nice. She then moves on to more important matters, like the plague that God has just released onto the populace. Mother Abigail says that she's trying hard to do his will, but that she's a little too old to be playing Moses to a bunch of American kids. She then sits down to play a little song on her guitar, but takes notice of Evil Mel standing in her corn. Mel tells her to turn away the people when they come to her. Abigail says that she isn't afraid of him, so Mel gives her a pretty wicked case of instant stigmata. Abigail gets freaked out and asks God for help. Mel disappears, and Abigail admits to she is pretty fucking afraid.

In Arizona, Evil Mel strolls down a darkened hallway in the pen, waking Lloyd from his slumber. Lloyd immediately yells for help, but visibly shrinks a bit at the sound of Mel's voice. When he walks up to the cell we finally get our first good clear look at Evil Mel, who it turns out is played by...

Jamey Sheridan? Really?

I guess it makes sense. 'Cause I know if I were to envision the walking talking personification of supreme evil, I'd definitely go with the patch-eyed guy from a "Law & Order" spin-off with a jean jacket and a curly mullet.

... Actually, I guess that's kind of true.

Jamey gets the line of the night when he looks into the cell and says, "pleased to meet you Lloyd. Hope you guessed my name." When Lloyd's response is a confused and hungry, "huh?" Jamey dismisses his joke as a "classical reference," and says that his name is actually Randall Flagg. Thank God, we have a name. Not that a lot of people and myself didn't already know what his name is. And it's not like I didn't just tell you everyone else's name right off the bat. But, well, you know, power of myth and all that. Back in the cell, Flagg gives Lloyd a long speech about how he wants Lloyd as his foreman, how he's the first, and blah blah blah army of darkness blah blah blah. Miguel Ferrer cracks me up in this scene because he basically just stands there with his mouth open the entire time Flagg is talking, but it totally works because he plays Lloyd as a man being offered a deal by the devil, but so fucking hungry that he doesn't really process that fact, and so he goes along with everything in the hope that it leads to him getting a cheeseburger. Flagg lets Lloyd out, then offers him a little black stone on a chain. Lloyd accepts the gift, and they both walk off to face their destinies.

Lincoln Tunnel. NYC. July 1. Larry and Nadine approach the mouth of the tunnel, and Nadine announces that the tunnel is just too dark and confined, and that she can't go in. Larry looks as if she's had enough of her shit already. Nadine reaches for her pills, and Larry jerks them away, saying that he won't stand in a sea of dead people and watch her self-medicate to death. He then throws them into the tunnel, which gets him a slap from 'Dine, and an announcement that she'll walk the 60+ blocks back to the George Washington bridge herself. Larry (who I feel the need to tell you is wearing a vest with no shirt, cargo pants and a gun holster, God bless him) make this fairly guido gesture, and heads into the tunnel.

Inside, Larry does his best to make progress, getting more and more freaked out with every dead body he sees. When he imagines that one of them (who I'm pretty sure is the corpse of John Sayles) speaks to him, he drops his flashlight and it rolls under a car. So then he has to use his lighter to see where he's going, but he quickly drops that too. So at this point, Larry has pretty much lost his shit to the point that when he hears someone behind him, he just kind of opens fire. Oh, but whoops! It was just Nadine, who came back and faced her fears for reasons that are not clear. The two make apology faces, the head off to the shining oasis of New Jersey.

New character! Attleboro, Massachusetts. Still July 1st. An old man (played bye Tv's My Favorite Martian) sits painting on an old wooden bridge, a dog at his feet, while making up his own lyrics to, "Baby Can You Dig Your Man?" Then who should appear behind him but Stu, looking somewhat like a praying mantis about to eat it's mate. Stu is looking much happier, cleaned up, and is himself carrying a fairly formidable looking gun. After Stu assures him that he means him no harm, the Martian introduces himself as Glen Bateman, and the dog as Kojak. When Stu points out that he hasn't seen many dogs lately, Glen tells him that most were killed off by the flu, expressing sadness at the fat of the dogs while making it clear that he couldn't give 2/3 f a shit about all of the dead people.

In a tent somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania, Larry and Nadine are banging a gong and getting it on. They wrestle around a little bit, but before any panties drop, Nadine puts the kibosh on thing, claiming that she needs, "more time." Larry, to his credit, tells her she can have all the time she needs. Cut to him in a cornfield, so we know that he's dreaming. He approaches Mother Abigail, who tells him he'll be coming along to see her soon. Back in the tent, Larry provides helpful exposition bye sleep-talking that he should go to Hemingford Home, Nebraska OR Boulder, Colorado. We then pan over to a sleeping Nadine, who is having her own Flagg-centric dream. IN a fairly cheesy, Harlequin romance novel set up, Nadine canoodles with a shirtless Flagg. Nice pecs, Jamey Sheridan. He tells her that she was promised to him, that they'll be married soon, and that she must hide her mind from Mother Abigail. He then orders her to leave Larry, and gets all growly-faced when she doesn't immediately agree. The next morning, Larry finds a note saying that she left so that they wouldn't sleep together. Larry seems at first to be pissed that his poon is gone, then just looks really sad to be alone.

New character! We're in May, Oklahoma, a town that appears to be populated exclusively by mannequins. I suppose that means that Meshach Taylor will be along shortly. Nick Andros, everyone's favorite audibly disabled, crotch-kicking, gun-toting, Ray killing bastard, rides his bike through town wondering what sort of funhouse dog and pony show bullshit he's wandered into this time. Before he can answer that question, he comes very close to crashing his bike into a big, blonde, ape of a man. The blonde ape is played by Dauber from "Coach" because, really, who else was there?

Dauber picks Nick up and dabs at his forehead with a rag, telling him he's the first person he's seen in a long time. Nick inquires about the mannequins (and by "inquires" I mean, "kinda points"), and Dauber says that he did it to liven the place up, stating that, "decoration is [his] hobby. M-O-O-N, that spells hobby." Nick nods understandingly, having realized (along with we the audience) that Dauber is what some in the business would call a Big 'Ol Retard. When he notices that Nick doesn't talk much, Nick attempts to write him a note (Dauber can't read) and use hand signals (Dauber doesn't get it), before taking a seat in frustration. Dauber stares off blankly for a second before a look of recognition comes across his face and he excitedly proclaims, "Tom Cullen know what that means. M-O-O-O-N, that spells deaf and dumb!" Nick looks relieved, and Tom does a little childlike dance before sadly sitting down and telling Nick that all the people in town got bored and went to Kansas City. Except for his mother, who got sick and went to be with Jesus. Damn, it's really hard to make jokes about a sweet, mannequin-loving retarded man whose mama just died, y'all. In lighter news, Rob Lowe is looking pretty foxy at this point, despite his Buster Keaton approach to his character's disability.

After establishing that neither one of them can drive a car, Nick finds a bike for Tom to ride. Tom asks if they're going to Kansas City and, when Nick says no, he is shocked when Tom asks if they're going to see "the old black lady." Nick assures him that they are, and Tom says that's fine, as long as they don't go see, "the other one. The one that turns into a crow and flies away." Nick is still pretty flabbergasted to know that Tom has dreamt all of this, but must quickly catch up with Tom, who is already on his bike yelling, "M-O-O-N, that spells Nebraska!"

Corn field. Dream sequence. Stu wanders through the corn at night. When he reaches the edge, he asks Abigail who she is, really. She merely answers, "your last hope." She then reiterates that if he misses her at her sound stage, he should move on to Colorado, which she awesomely pronounces as "color-ado." Before the conversation can go any further, Stu is frightened by the rats in the corn at his feet. He turns and runs, but before he knows it he's run clear out of the corn and back into the halls of Stovington. Stu (what else?) wanders a bit, frightened, until he comes face to face with Flagg and wakes up in a sweat.

Back on Glen's porch, Stu insists that he must move on to Nebraska, to see if she's real. He asks Glen to come along, and Glen says, "why not?" But he insists that he be able to bring Kojak along He then tells Stu that he believes that Flagg is crucifying people in the desert. Glen talks a little more about what little regard he has for the society that was lost, and how little he cares to try and build it back up again. Stu cuts him off when he hears motorcycles approaching. Well hey! It's Harold and Fran! Harold has his hair slicked back and is wearing a studded biker jacket and leather chaps over his jeans. Fran, ever the model citizen, has no motorcycle helmet on, but is wearing a rather jaunty green beret. Introductions are made, and when Stu asks where they're going, Harold says, "Stovington," while Fran replies, "Nebraska." When Stu points out that he and Glen were also headed to Nebraska and would they like to join them, Fran, clearly relieved to have another person around, immediately agrees. Harold gives Stu the hairy eyeball and says he'd rather not travel together, because he doesn't like the look of them. While Glen, mean old shit that he is, laughs right in Harold's face, Stu pulls him aside to basically say, "look dude, I'm not trying to cockblock you here. Chill the fuck out."

Cut to Stu, priorities always in order, holding a net full of beer that he's jut chilled in the stream outside Glen's house. He offers one to the assembled parties, and all but Fran accept. Harold then states again that he would like to check out Vermont, putting his writer hat on and saying that he's, "from Missouri" and doesn't often operate on the word of strangers. Stu agrees to take them, insisting there's nothing there to see. The next shot is of Harold, puking his way out of the Stovington center. Fran and Glen just look white, and Stu smartly kept his East Texas ass outside by the choppers. He puts on his best, "told you so, dick" expression and asks Harold if he's still from Missouri. Harold just glares.

In Pratt, Kansas, Nick tries to comfort an ailing Tom, who claims that he, "shouldn't have eaten all of those apples." Nick spots a drug store across the street, and heads off to find something to help out the big yellow machine. Inside, Nick grabs a bottle of the pink stuff, then meanders (ha! NOT wanders) down an aisle to see what else he might lift. Eventually, he draws the attention of a young woman in the store, wearing what I'm pretty sure is a hat made by Charlie Daniels' more fabulous cousin. The girl takes an immediate interest in Nick, giving him her Grade A sex face, but laughing viciously when he hands her a note explaining that the first two men she's seen in days are a deaf mute and retarded, respectively. She recovers quickly, sticking her hand deeeep into Nick's pocket, in reponse to which he gives her the silent man's version of a "'Sup baby?" The girl continues to wrap herself around Nick, who you can tell is seriously debating giving her the business with his penis, until he sees poor Tom curled up on a bench outside. He tries to pull away, but the girl hangs tough, telling him that Tom is, "just a retard. He doesn't feel things the way you and I do." That the end of the affair for Nick, who is now pretty sure that he should take care of his friend rather than risk getting the clap from some random crusty girl he bent over a Walgreen's counter.

Back on the street, Nick tries for about half a second to get Tom to drink the pepto, before Tom notices the girl strutting in her trannie heels across the street. Nick tries again to get Tom to drink, but is foiled by the girl, who tells Tom that its poison. The girl viciously laughs and mocks them some more, until Nick decides to show her that his pimp hand is strong, and smacks her right across the face. To further demonstrate how little he cares to be fucked with, he just goes ahead and pulls his gun on her too. The girl, not one to take being slapped lightly, responds to all this with a head butt to Nick's waist. Then, realizing that civilization is about two seconds away from riding it's bike back out of town and away from her, the girl reneges and tries to play their entire encounter off as a joke. Nick's not having it, so he just points his gun at her some more. Insulted, she throws a trannie heel at him and screeches off, promising to "get them."

Tom apologizes to Nick for crying and then both en agree that she was one scary bitch. Before they can even get back on their bikes, the girl is suddenly in a second floor apartment window, firing a shotgun and screaming like a banshee. She promises to kill them if she ever sees them again, so the guys make a speedy exit. Remember this girl. I don't know what the hell her name was, but we haven't seen the last of her.

Back on the road, the two men spot a truck approaching from the opposite direction. Tom freaks out, thinking it may be the girl, or just some other psycho in platforms. Nick is a bit more optimistic. Up pulls (sigh... new character) Ralph Brentner, a jolly fat man in a cowboy hat, so you know he's kind of country. There's a sweet moment when, thanks to Ralph's magical reading skills, Tom finally finds out what Nick's name is, and can make a proper introduction. Once it is established that everyone is headed for Mother Abigail, Tom and Nick pile into Ralph's truck and head off, despite the fact that he was going the wrong way.

July 11th. We're told that we are "near" Des Moines, Iowa. Larry is sitting on a car with an acoustic guitar, doing his only little performance of the song, "Eve of Destruction." Once the camera pans back, we get to see why he's "near" and not "in" Des Moines: the whole damn city appears to be on fire. Larry (who is still wearing a vest with no shirt, but has added a do-rag to the ensemble) continues with is solo interpretation of "Baby Can You Dig Your '60's Protest Anthem?" completely oblivious to the people coming up behind him. A redheaded woman who probably should be Daphne Zuniga but isn't, and a little boy so familiar that he has to have played the irascible scamp on the failed sitcoms of at least two or three standup comedians, cautiously make their way towards him. They both look pretty scared and worn down. The woman seems incredibly happy to have found another person. Larry seems less enthused. He tries to make friends with the boy, who in return makes some grunting noises and comes after him with a knife. The woman pulls him away, calling him "Joe" and then introducing herself as Lucy Swann. She explains that she found Joe in a grocery store, on a sugar high and almost feral. Larry wonders why she bothered to take the boy in such a state, and Lucy nobly says, "he would've died otherwise" as a neat little halo appears around her head. Larry, perhaps still a bit put off by his last experience with a traveling companion, still isn't sure what to think of these two, and so he turns his attention to the burning city behind them. Lucy explains that there were a series of explosions where the tank farms are, and then a wind carried the flames across the city. Larry asks the million dollar question in, "who would want to burn an entire city to the ground?" This naturally takes us back to... .

The Trash Can Man, stumbling through the Utah Badlands. He's looking a little too pink at this point, and it really isn't clear whether his skin is burnt from the desert sun, or whether he's... just burnt. He sees the Las Vegas skyline on the horizon, then (in a really bit of dated CGI) sees it transform into what appears to be an bunch of Indian, Taj-Mahal-like buildings. Buildings that are, of course, all on fire. He mutters, "my life for you" a couple more times, and off he goes.

It is July 15th in The Wizard of Oz Sets Looked More Real Than This One, Nebraska, and Mother Abigail is hard at work on a fried chicken dinner. This fact begins to make more sense when we hear the honk of a car horn outside. Up pulls Ralph's truck, carrying not only Tom and Nick, but also a blonde woman named Susan Stern (who will be minorly important in Part Three, but not so much so that she warrants her own "new character" proclamation), a Generic Precocious Girl child, and some schmo who is never given a name. They all pile out, thrilled that the tiny old black woman from their dreams is real, and Ralph explains that Nick knew exactly how to get to her.

After dinner, Mother Abigail tells Ralph and Nick that she's been told by God that they will grow like a snowball heading down a hill as they head west to Boulder. She then tells Nick that God has his finger on Nick's heart, but that the work ahead is "dark and bloody." Nick gives a note to Ralph to read saying that he doesn't believe in God, and Abigail just laughs at him. Nick looks pensive.

It's the next morning, and we get a superfluous and lovely shot of Rob Lowe's bare torso and he puts up a sign explaining that they have moved on to Colorado. Mother Abigail comes out to leave looking very sad. She tells Nick a story about her lifelong effort to hold on to her family's little homestead, but most of it is lost on Nick, who is completely not looking at her while she speaks at all. He then helps her into the back of Ralph's truck and off they go, their avatar of goodness and light sitting light Granny Clampett in the back of a pickup.

July 16. Las Vegas, the rather obvious but understandable gathering place for all of the "bad" people. It also appears to be the only city left in the country with working electricity. Trash wanders down a street littered with corpses and garbage, and... yeck. His face seriously looks like it was molded out of uncooked chicken cutlets. He stops in front of the Union Plaza hotel (which I always associate with the end of the movie Cool World), mumbles some gibberish (I'm guessing you can figure out what), and then falls into the hotel fountain. Afterwards, he makes his way into the hotel lobby but, finding no one there, decides he'd like to take a nap on top of a poker table. It is only after he's out that we see Lloyd and some guys in suits playing cards nearby. Lloyd just tells the others to leave him alone as, "Flagg wants him."

On the outskirts of Boulder, our band of pilgrims stand at a scenic overpass as Abigail says a prayer. The little girl calls Tom away to see, "the parade," which actually appears to be a long caravan of people coming into the city. Mother Abigail finishes her prayer (and makes a nice little sound byte for the trailers) by asking God to, "help us to STAND."

And... we're halfway done. I'll be back in a few weeks with Part Three, in which I make everyone uncomfortable with how hot and bothered I get when Harold gets some action.