Super Merchandising Bros.
Hey, Pai$ano$!
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on October 7, 2002

For some reason, when you're a kid, it's really cool to have everything you own in your entire house match. It's no different now than it was in my younger years. For instance, if you're going to tell people that you're a hardcore Veggie Tales fan, you'd better have Larry & Bob on your bed sheets, curtains, school supplies, kitchen utensils, book covers, wristwatch, & underwear to back it up, punk.

The children's division of Corporate America cashed in on this phenomenon. Girls had their choice between having Barbie, My Little Pony, or the New Kids on the Block cover their bedrooms from wall to wall. Boys could choose from G.I. Joe, Transformers, or Thundercats. Of course, this was the 1980's, a time when they were trying to get rid of this kind of gender biasing. If a girl wanted to have Transformers in her room, she certainly could. If a boy wanted My Little Ponies for Christmas, he got them. It's true! I have proof on video ta- ...um, you know what? Let's just move onto the subject at hand.

Want to know who the most well-known icon in the world is? Not the rabbit. Not the mouse. Believe it or not, it's the plumber.

Hey, paisanos! Look what I got in my Wendy's Kids Meal!

This doesn't surprise me in the least. When Nintendo discovered that putting Mario's face on stuff could make them money, they didn't hesitate to do so. And bright-eyed kids like the one on the right in the above photo didn't hesitate to badger their parents to make their home a Nintendo home. Dude, that sounds like an episode of Martha Stewart Living just waiting to happen.

"Hello! Today I'm going to go on a super Google image search scavenger hunt, so I can show you how to make your home a Nintendo home with all these rad Super Mario Bros. crap you can find at your local store... you know, the one that sells stuff!"

Imagine starting your day as the sun peeks through your Mario curtains & shines thru your blinds onto your Mario wallpaper.

These curtains, like quite a few other Mario products, also featured the Legend of Zelda. You slowly get out of your bed, which is dressed in matching Mario/Zelda sheets, complete with a pillow case.

I also had a Mario pillow that was not unlike the Pillow People, but I never actually slept on it. It was just on my bed for decoration. One day I brought it into school & everybody laughed at me.

Nothing wakes you up in the morning like a long, hot shower under your Super Mario shower head as you squirt shampoo out of poor, unsuspecting Yoshi's head!

It's ok, kids. I didn't have either of these. You may continue not being frightened of me.

Time for breakfast! You sit down to a hearty bowl of Nintendo Cereal System. Mario side only, of course. The Zelda side is berry flavored, & therefore nasty. Luckily, your brother likes it. And what better to eat it in than this Mario Cereal bowl?

Nin-ten-do, it's for breakfast now!
Nin-ten-do, it's a cereal, wow!

It's almost time for school, so go grab your Mario jacket & head out the door.

Actually, I didn't have that jacket. My jacket was cooler. It was silver with black sleeves & trim, with the Nintendo logo in fluorescent orange on the back, the Nintendo Power logo in fluorescent orange on the left side, like where your heart is... & an outline of Mario on the left sleeve, also in fluorescent orange. I had my mom sew on a patch on the right sleeve that said "I SAVED THE PRINCESS!" on it. Then my friend Chris went out & got the same jacket. He's not my friend anymore.

What's that? You need school supplies? Have no fear! Mario sponsors this calculator, pencil case, & folder! And what Mario pencil case is complete without Mario pencils to go with it?

Lunch time! Let's see what's inside our Mario lunch box... why, it's our matching Mario thermos, of course! What's that? You're buying lunch today? Fair enough. Better bust out your Mario wallet so you can pay for it.

Back home again, & it's a bit of a hot day, so let's turn on our Mario ceiling fan. You hear the ice cream truck coming. Quick, catch it so you can buy a Mario ice cream bar!

Your friends come over for the sole purpose of watching you beat Super Mario Bros. 2 without getting any mushrooms again. They're so easily amused. You offer them cookies you helped your mom made with your Mario cookie cutters, & their choices of 4 different flavors of Mario soda! (Note for the freaks in middle America: by soda, I mean pop.)

And now, it's time to get your game on! Have a seat in your Mario chair! Your sitting arrangement was an important aspect of getting your game on.

I've never seen this chair before in my life, until I found it via Google. The Mario chair I had was shaped in such a way that it recreated all the joys & wonders of sitting on Mario's lap. But as I got older, that chair proved to become unsupportive, so I got some sort of ground-level rocking chair. It was black & leathery, but then one time I was pretending to be a pro wrestler & gave it the Razor's Edge, & that was the end of that.

And just in case your eyes went bad from sitting too close to the TV screen while you're playing video games, Nintendo made this glasses case especially for you! It was the least they could do, considering it's their fault you're blind.

Uh oh! The power is out! But not to worry. Nintendo made a battery operated Mario pinball machine & a Mario Game & Watch, so that you can keep playing Nintendo as long as you want, for the rest of eternity! I like how all the companies in Redmond, Washington think like this normally.

My watch was black. Honest. Of course, if I was going to wear it NOW, I'd probably prefer the pink one. Look at how awesome it looks!

You have a hot date who's bringing dinner to your house. You know what that means... time to bust out the good china! That's right, your old Mario plates & cups!

Set 2 places in front of the TV, complete with Mario placemats & TV trays, so you can both watch the Wizard as you dine.

According to your Mario wall clock, it's quarter of 8. Where is your hot date? Better make a call on your Mario phone.

What's that? Your hot date's cell phone number is a long distance call? No problem! Just use your Mario prepaid phone card!

Your hot date is late because she surprised you with McDonalds! Look what came in the Happy Meals!

You put on the Wizard as you & your hot date get all cozy in this rad Mario sleeping bag. Your hot date even brought Mario & Luigi plush dolls to go with it!

Of course, you have a Mario doll, too, but you have no idea what happened to his hat. That stupid thing gets lost all the time, & now poor Mario has a serious case of hat head.

But that doesn't matter, because you & your hot date spend more time cuddling with each other than with your stupid, hatless Mario doll.

Does your hot date have to get up early? No sweat! Just set your Mario alarm clock so that the both of you can wake up in enough time to take a long, hot, steamy shower with your Mario shower head!

There were tons more Mario stuff than this small gallery. But I wasn't some spoiled rich kid. I didn't even have everything that I included on this page! All I have to say is... egg cup?!

Yeah... egg cup.