The Wizard
Let's show these fools how we do this on the West Side.
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on April 29, 2002

Most people will tell you that The Wizard was basically a really really long commercial for Nintendo. They're only half right. It was also about an autistic boy's struggle with a haunting past, who happens to discover that he's pretty good at video games. It's sort of like those McDonald's commercials that aren't really about McDonald's or food at all. Instead, they're short little stories about people who, slowly but surely, learn overcome the obstacles in their lives, until they finally reach the point where they can sit down & eat a Big Mac like a normal, civilized human being.

The movie critics of America didn't like the Wizard very much. Siskel reportedly shoved his thumb up Ebert's nose. Most of the others only gave it 1 star, but a few argued that it was at least worth 2. The truth is, I can't say that I blame them. You have to keep in mind that the vast majority of movie critics aren't 9 year olds whose lives revolve mostly around things like video games, so they can't appreciate the fact that they're showing the game we just played yesterday with our friends in an actual movie.

That was only part of the reason why we wanted to see the Wizard. The main reason we wanted to see it was because it included a preview of things to come, namely a yet to be released game called Super Mario Bros. 3, which to this day remains the highest grossing game of all time. The hype & anticipation for this game was so huge, that Nintendo needed a full-length motion picture to unveil it. Unfortunately, the Wizard is out of print in the States. Though I hear there's a DVD available in Europe entitled "Joy Stick Heroes." So if you understand German, then awesome! I have a copy on VHS, but it was taped from TV, so there's commercials & the profanity is edited out, & some scenes are missing.

Ok, let's tear this sucker apart, shall we? And now, without further ado, Fireball Classic Theatre presents its own rendition of The Wizard! Complete with actual quotes from the movie in this color!

	(Hi, I'm Jimmy Woods, but I can't tell you that out loud, because I'm autistic. So I'll just tell you where I'm going & let you figure out the rest.) Cali-FORN-ia!
	Hey Dad! Your ex-wife & her idiot husband are putting Jimmy into a nuthouse, just because he keeps running away! Isn't that awful?
	Well sure it is, Corey, but Christine & her idiot husband have custody of him now. All I can really do is say, "Hey, that's awful!" & watch them laugh at me & my bad cooking skills. Here, have some burnt casserole.
	Dude, this casserole sucks, Dad! And I haven't even tasted it yet!
	Don't you talk back to me like that, Nick! I don't care if you are Christian Slater!
	Fine. I'll do something about this myself! I'm going up to my room & throw darts at my large map of the United States to see where Jimmy & I can run off to! (Plink!) South Dakota... (Plink!) Arkansas... (Plink!) Nebraska... (Plink!) ... California!
	Cali-FORN-ia!" (Hey kids, did you see me in Newsies?)
	Wow, Jimmy, your step-moron must be one cheap jerk! This has got to be the least secure nuthouse in the entire country! I had about as much trouble sneaking you out as I would have sneaking into my own bedroom! Let's hide in the back of this Hostess™ truck so nobody will catch us!
	"Oh no, Corey & Jimmy have run off! Come on, Nick. Let's go find them!"
	They could be anywhere by now, Dad! We don't even know where to begin!
	We shouldn't let that bring us down. America's only what, the 4th largest country in the world? We'll find them in no time!
	Mr. Woods, I am Putnam, expert bounty hunter! I have have been hired by your wife to find Jimmy. That is why I must advise against your going to search for him. For you see, if you find him first, then I don't get paid. And that is a very bad thing.
	So, according to this, we're in Goblin Valley. Great! I mean, it couldn't be Happy Valley, or Wonderful Valley! Goblin Valley... why not Axe Murderers Valley?!
	(Good morning! We are now at a bus terminal! Hey kids, did you see me in Cheaters?)
	Here, Jimmy. Play this Play Choice 10™ arcade game while I go convince this guy at the window that $27.30 is a reasonable price for a pair of bus tickets to California... wait a minute, that's a cop! We'd better hide quickly before... 50,000? You got 50,000 in Double Dragon?!
	Hi! I'm the chick from Rilo Kiley. And if you don't tell me what you're doing, I'm going to scream! How come you're hiding from the fuzz?
	I'm not telling. But I will tell you that in about 60 seconds, my little brother here is going to school you at Double Dragon!
	Wow, this kid is really good! He's a wizard! How come you want to go to California, anyway?
	Cali-FORN-ia!
	It was basically his idea. I just wanted to get him away from his mom & her idiot husband. They put him in a nuthouse!
	Hey, look at this issue of Video Games & Computer Entertainment Magazine™! There's a national video game championship in Los Angeles! You can take him to California AND prove that he doesn't belong in a home at the same time! If he wins, we split the $50,000 grand prize!
	You sure use a lot of exclamation points. Lower your voice, woman.
	Excuse me, miss, but I'm looking for my lost sons. Have you seen them?
	Waitress: No, but I bet that guy outside slashing your tires has!
	I told you not to get in my way, Mr. Woods! Now you must pay... with your tires!! HAHAHA!!!
	Oh, Putnam! You shouldn't have done that! Now I have no choice but to smash your car in & throw my shovel at you like a javelin!
	We can get to L.A. by hitching rides with motorcycle gangs & truckers! My dad drives a truck, so I know how to talk to these people without getting molested.
	Great! And along the way, we can stop in arcades & find suckers to play against Jimmy! Like this salesman, here!
	Salesman playing Super Mario Bros.: You're on, little man! I'll beat your brother so hard, I'll send you back to the 1960s!
	Actually, you're a little too late for that. Hey, look! You lose! Pay up, sucka!
	Boy, it's a good thing Nevada has an arcade every couple of miles! We're really raking in the dough!
	Dad, do you have any idea where we are?
	No, but there's Putnam up ahead! I'm going to ram the truck into his tiny little car!
	Remember kids, always buckle your safety belt!
	Woods, you maniac! I'll sue!
	You make money off of little kids, you miserable jerk! You ought to be shot!
	What are you, clueless? That's the whole point of making this movie!
	It looks like Jimmy wins again! You know the deal, boys. You play, you pay!
	Hey, don't get cocky, kid! Your little moron brother may be really good at video games, but I'm really good at punching you in the face!
	Hey, what did I tell you kids about roughhousing in here?! Don't make me sick my imaginary security guy on you! ROGER!!
	Oh no, not Roger! Come on, Tobey Maguire, let's get out of here!
	(sigh) I've got video monsters, I've got movie monsters, I've got... graffiti on the wall monsters!
	I've heard about you, Wizard. Do you dare to challenge me, Lucas Barton? I know all 97 of my games... with the POWER GLOVE!
I love the power glove. It's so bad.
	Yeah, well uh, just keep your Power Gloves off her, pal, huh?
	(Dude, way to go, Corey. He just shot the best line in the movie at you, & you hit him back with the worst line in the movie. I'm not playing against this guy. Who knows where the glove's been?)
	By the way, I'm headed for the championships, too. And your arm feels awfully nice.
	Don't let that butthead get you down, Jimmy! It was just one loss! One guy!
	(Loss?! What do you mean, loss? Did you forget that I didn't play at all? That's not a loss, stupid. It's a rain delay! I just don't want to play against Mr. Ken Doll & his stupid Michael Jackson glove.)
	Let's spend the night in this motel so we can get an early start tomorrow.
	I can't sleep. Hey, I know! This is a movie about Nintendo... there's bound to be one in the back of the truck somewhere that I can play! Hey, Ninja Turtles... perfect!
	I don't believe this. I got the the scroll weapon, & I almost beat Mecha Turtle at the end of Level 3!
	That's funny, because it looks like you're on Level 1 & sucking hard to me.
	You owe me money, you little jerk! You didn't tell me this kid was some kind of pro! Now I'm going to steal his lunchbox... ok, nevermind. There's nothing of value in here. But I am taking your money & hat! Hahaha!
	I always wondered what was in that thing. It's pictures of Jimmy's twin sister, Jennifer! She drowned a couple of years back. Jimmy hasn't been the same since. It tore our whole family apart.
	Alright. I'm looking for a couple of kids. This one's a mental case, have you seen them?
	Kid playing pinball: Does he dress like you?
	... No.
	Kid playing pinball: Then he can't be too much of a case!
	Hey, watch it! Why are you playing pinball, anyway? This is a Nintendo movie, stupid!
	Hey Dad, that guy is wearing a Woods Landscaping hat just like yours! He must have gotten it from Jimmy!
	Nice hat! HAHAHAHA!! I got it from a couple of kids.
	Do you have any idea where they were headed?
	I do! They're going to the National Video Game Championship in Los Angeles, to get beaten by me, Lucas Barton!
	Well, at least we know where to find them now.
	Too bad we can't drive there. Somebody just towed away our truck!
	We made it to Reno, my hometown! I can help my trucker friend, Spanky, win our money back in a casino!
	Wow, I won $400, thanks to you, Haley!
	Way to go, Spanky. That should be just enough to get us to L.A. Here's 10 bucks for your troubles.
	Oh, goodie. My very own 10 dollars.
	Hi, you've reached the Nintendo Game Counselors Hotline! My name is Rick! How can I help you?
	Can you tell me everything you know in 5 minutes while we randomly pan over to Jimmy playing games in the arcade?
	Sure, as soon as I get over the shock that you actually got through to the Nintendo Game Counselors Hotline. We're always busy!
	Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen these ki
OH GOD
	Finally, I found you! Where is he?!
	Where is who?
	Don't give me any lip, you snot! I've been following you across 2 states! I'm being paid to bring your brainless little brother back! Now POINT HIM OUT!!!
	HALEY!!! Some creep went in the arcade to take Jimmy home! You've got to do something!
	EEEEEK! HE TOUCHED MY BREASTS!
	Put me down! I didn't touch anything! She doesn't have any breasts!
	We'd better hide out at my house.
	Your house is a trailer in the middle of the desert?! I thought you said...
	Well I lied, ok? This is all my mom left my dad & me when she left us. She was a showgirl who was addicted to gambling. I thought that after we split the prize money, we could finally buy a home.
	...Zelda!
	...Zelda?!
	Yeah! You know, it's like the Adventures of Link. He has to find Zelda; you have to find a house. Same difference!
	Boy, is that sexist! Not to mention stupid. Link starts out right in front of Zelda's comatose body, you moron!
	It's not sexist! It's romantic... now kiss me, you idiot.
	Don't even think about it! There is no way... I am NOT kissing a boy!
	A girl, maybe?
	Smart ass! SMOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!
	COREY!! (Hey kids, did you see me in Little Big League?)
	Oh no, that creepy guy found us & took Jimmy! We're doomed!
	You think I don't got friends? I got friends!
	Wait, what?!
	Look, kid. You just do like your Uncle Putnam tells you, or else it's going to be a very long ride home!
	(Dude, sick! Hey, watch out up ahead, Chester. There are some big rigs blocking the road!)
	So you touched her breasts, huh? SPANKY SMASH!!
	Thanks for driving us to L.A., Spanky. At last, we made it to Universal Studios™ just in time for the Video Game Championships to begin!
	Hi, annoying orange jumpsuit guy! I'm here to register my brother, Jimmy Woods, for the Championships!
	WOODS! JIMMY WOODS!! Ok, first you have to complete an elimination round, where you will be playing Ninja Gai-DEN!! HAI!!
	Good! He knows Ninja Gaiden!
	Well come on, let's go! You're late! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!
	THREE FINALISTS! ONE CHAMPION! VIDEO ARMAGEDDON!! I TALK LIKE A ROBOT!! AND NOW, INTRODUCING OUR FIRST FINALIST!! NUMBER 169!!
	Alright! I, Lucas Barton, am Number 169! Hey, Wizard, I hope you don't freak out like you did last time. We wouldn't want you to... WIZ on someone! HAHAHA!!
	COME UP HERE MY LITTLE BEAUTIES!! GET YOUR LITTLE BOTTOMS UP HERE!! WE HAVE ANOTHER FINALIST!! NUMBER 255!!
	255?! Hey, that's me! The gorgeous Mora Grissom!
	AND OUR LAST FINALIST IS NUMBER 427!!
	(Guess who, punk.)
	FOR THE FINAL MATCH, OUR 3 CONTESTANTS WILL PLAY A GAME THAT THEY HAVE NEVER... EVER, EVER... PLAYED BEFORE!! YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO REPORT TO YOUR BOOTHS!
	Glad you could make it, Jimmy's mother & step-moron! Your son is here in Universal Studios, somewhere. I'm going to find him!
	Hey, you in the black! Up here! They're down there! Look!
	Quick! Jump on that tram car! Maybe we can lose him!
	Think again, punk! I, too, have the power to jump on a moving tram car!
	Gee, Nick, how are we ever going to find the boys in this giant theme park?
	We could start by jumping on that moving tram car that Putnam is chasing them on!
	You know, as much as I wanted to go for a behind-the-scenes look at Universal Studios, this isn't quite what I had in mind. I hope whoever's watching this movie appreciates this shameless self-promotion.
	WHERE IS HE?? WHERE'S THE LITTLE ONE?! WHERE'S THE THIRD!!
	(I'm back here, behind the giant wall! We escaped from that creepy guy just in time! Now it's on, sucka!)
	HAHAHAHA!! WE HAVE THREE CONTESTANTS!! ONE... TWO... THREEEEEEEE!!! SO I GIVE YOU...
SUPER MARIO BROS... THREEEEEEEE!!!
	(You know what? We all know I'm going to win this thing. Why don't we just skip to the part with the dinosaurs?) Cali-FORN-ia!! CALI-FORN-IA!!!
	Hey, I remember these giant dinosaur statues. We took Jimmy & Jennifer here once. I guess Jimmy just wanted to leave her in a place where she was happy.
	(My work here is done. Now I can leave this stupid lunchbox here & go back home. Let's give us a kiss, woman!)