The world is crazy place the day after you're fired from your job, your girlfriend breaks up with you, and your parents tell you you're no longer their son. Your friends seem fake and your favorite sitcoms seem real. You lie on the floor for hours wondering what else can go wrong. That's usually around the same time that you remember you haven't fed your pet in a couple weeks and find its remains next to the end table. Life as you know it is out the window. A lot of people might look at the situation and say “How awful!” or “I sure am glad that's not me! I like driving my Honda Civic to my nine-to-five dead end of a career and then returning to my nuclear family! I have a new suit!” but not me. I enjoy leading a life of unusual circumstances followed by inane plot twists. So when every substantial element of my life was paved to the ground I did not lament. Rather I stroked my imaginary beard thrice and nodded in compliance. I later decided to go for the whole shebang and start listening to country music and Bill Engvall.
I fucking wish Vincent Price was on The Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Starting a new life is a lot harder than it first seems. I imagined myself becoming a famous actor starring in movies like The Da Vinci Code and Over The Hedge, but I was only offered the role of Jennifer Aniston's ex-boyfriend in The Break-Up .
“Nicky baby I found the perfect part for you.”
“Let's hear it.”
“It's called ‘The Break-Up'. You and Jennifer Aniston are dating and then get in a big fight and you decide to break up. Hilarity ensues baby it's totally you.”
“I dunno. Sounds a little forced.”
“Nicky this is the part of a lifetime you'll regret turning it down for the rest of your life.”
“Fine, I'll break up with Jennifer Aniston.”
“Now that's not what I want.”
“You just said you want me to break up with Jennifer Aniston.”
“I want you to want to break up with Jennifer Aniston.”
“Why would I want to break up with Jennifer Aniston?”
A job's a job, though, so I tried my best. I was eventually kicked off the set when I changed my given line “You're a selfish skank” to “I think we should put a down payment on that house we saw last week.” If it were up to me I'd have made that movie completely different. In the end they would get back together and an upbeat instrumental would play over a petty argument of theirs as the movie drifted into the credits. It's a shame they killed Aniston's character. She was a babe.
Growing frustrated and fearful that my prime years would soon go wasted in the career trough known as the fast food industry I began exploring options I had never considered before. It all started when I got an interview to become a cardiologist.
“It was a complete shitshow. To begin with the OR was out of rubber gloves and soap that day so I was forced to perform surgery with grease all over my hands. I then mixed up the pulmonary artery with the aorta. The patient's chest burst with so much blood that one of the residents puked inside of said chest. I have good news, though.”
“Please God tell me that patient didn't die at your hands.”
“No, he sure did, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”
Wandering the halls of the hospital I stumbled into the emergency room and started filling out an application to become a paramedic. Soon enough I was brought into another office and given another chance to get a meaningful job.
“And if the burn victim is convulsing it most likely is a sign that their oxygen levels are low. You should bag them for twenty seconds or until the convulsions recede. Should the victim become unresponsive use the defibrillators appropriately.”
“Very impressive, Mr. Dallamora. How long have you been a paramedic.”
“Oh I'm no paramedic I just like to mess around with half-dead bodies, but I did stay at a Holiday Day Inn Express last night.”
Determined at the time to break into the medical field I gave a crack at becoming a brain surgeon.
“Do you actually believe that your resume qualifies you to operate on and handle the human brain? You never even went to med school. You'd better have some explanation.”
“Aflac.”
Throughout my efforts to develop a stable vocation I became overwhelmed with the diversity and abundance presented by today's job market. I then realized that it would be a better idea to develop a new lifestyle and conform my career to its standards rather than the other way around. Like any kid who spent their whole life in the suburbs I wanted to travel, so I thought a career as a professional baseball player or a pilot might fit me well. I was cut from the Lowell Spinners before I could even strike out. The assistant coach acting as umpire called the first pitch I saw a strike. Entirely sure the pitch was low I dropped my bat and commenced a three minute stare down with him. I eventually grew tired of his bullshit and threw my bat at him. If I were still considered an impressionable young mind I'd be a millionaire. My stint as a pilot was just as short. Apparently we're never going to be able to tell 9/11 jokes over the intercom of an airplane. Sorry if you thought this was America .
I concentrated on other interests of mine, trying out for the Lowell Spinners four more times that week. It's not a very well known fact, but I'm an avid proponent of law enforcement. Since my bad boy image isn't really cut out for the rigged structure of today's police force I decided to become a bounty hunter. Eager to make up for lost time I set my standards high in order to bring in the big bucks. My target: Glen Godwin. Perhaps the most dangerous fugitive in the United States I decided to take my time with this one and eat myself into several potato chip induced comas for four straight days until some other flashy job gathered my attention.
I like my paychecks like I like my breasts. Big.
Then came my big break. Somehow NBC came across an article I had written and decided if anyone could help them get FOX off the air it was me. My assignment was to topple the FOX Sunday lineup dubbed “Animation Domination”. I concluded that NBC, far from being considered a family devout network, needed to trump two of the most popular hours on network television with something vulgar and refreshing at the same time. I suggested “Baywatch: Obstacle Course Medley”, but apparently that was the working title for the latest Girls Gone Wild video. Can we start referring to Girls Gone Wild as GGW yet? If you know what I'm talking about when I say BB, MH, or MOC then the answer is yes.
I figured that the best way to take over Sunday night was to create two hour long shows directed towards the two most developed and television dependant interest groups active. After a few days of deliberation and research I reached a conclusion. The first show would be titled “Poker Dudes”: set in downtown London a group of compatriots (pun intended) find themselves playing for their lives after one of them gets caught cheating against The King. The King wasn't so much mad about his attempt to steal from him, but in the fact that he rigged the deck to give himself kings and the king queens. He got caught when he said “The King of queens” before either of their hands had been exposed. They're determined to keep their friend out of harm's way, but The King's army proves a worthy adversary as all ten meet at the final table of the 2007 World Series of Poker's Main Event.
I pitched the idea and they loved it. Ate it up. They were extremely eager to hear my second idea.
The show was to be titled “Boinks Progressive”: a motley team of oddly capable writers build a successful web site from the ground up.
Blank looks around the board as slowly each begins to look at the others in a nervous fashion.
“Well, what else?” one spoke up.
“Nothing,” I replied, “They simply spend a couple years producing original material in a consistent manner and eventually rose to a level few see.”
“What about the people involved? Who's murdered? Who's addicted to heavy narcotics? What happens?”
“No murder, no drugs. They just become friends.”
“Hey, remember Friends? We already did that and it sucked we don't have room for another sappy comedy where the jokes aren't even jokes. Especially not one that targets the internet. Think of something else.”
“But this is different. It's the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sure if you give me one season I can change your mind.”
“Sorry, kid, but your story sucks. Your first idea was good, but you need to redo this second one.”
“I'm not doing redoing the second one.”
“Well then I guess we're just going to make the poker show two hours long.”
“You're not getting Poker Dudes unless you put Boinks Progressive on the air.”
“Kid, do you have any idea what kind of mistake you'll be making? When you walked in here you were wearing sweatpants and a Muppet Babies t-shirt. You're nobody. If you turn down this job you'll be giving up the chance to be somebody.”
“I may not be known by hundreds of thousands of people and my material may never reach a national audience, but the people who do take the time to read what I write actually care where I'm coming from. If I were to write about my friends and the development of a hearty portion of my life they'd respect the fact that it's important to me. To most of the world, sure, I'm a nobody, but to the people who matter I'm somebody.”
“I'm warning you kid, if you walk out that door you'll never”
“Thank you for the opportunity, but I'm happy as I am.”
And that was that. I never was given the opportunity to speak towards a national audience ever again, all because I decided to go into that meeting on PCP. It's probably for the better, though. As soon as you start writing things for people other than yourself you've lost sight of what makes an individual's writing good. If you don't believe or take interest in what you're writing why should anyone else? I'd like to dedicate this article to anyone who's ever read any of my articles from top to bottom (probably like 370 words), especially those who understood that this isn't a business and there are no standards to meet except your own. Writing is a passionate practice that requires fervent enthusiasm in order to be art. Thanks for making me feel appreciated.
Oh, and I ended up getting a nine-to-five desk job and buying a Honda Civic. |
