So You Want to Write a Show For FOX
NBC is for suckachumps
written by Nick on August 30, 2025

In today's economy there are several ways to be considered successful. Many United States citizens have turned small, privately-owned businesses into national conglomerates, while others sell innovative ideas for top coin. For those of us who lack the dingles to invest in smaller markets/can't invent shit there seems to be substantially less opportunity. Whoa there, friend! Don't ingest that liquid plumber just yet! There is one opening that most every one of us can take advantage of.

God Bless America

It's been in recent finding that 90% of the content that has ever been on FOX's airwaves has been frighteningly formulaic. There exist several categories of programs FOX is always willing to give a shot. Which category you wish your idea to fall under is completely up to you (and the editors that will surely strip your work quicker than Kelly Ripa).

Kathy Lee is rolling in her chemically-sanitized tube

Be cautious with your decision, though, as you are surely going to be expected to produce the same content season in and season out. From the creators of “Dark Angel” comes the hot babe thriller of the summer: “Illuminated Bimbo”.

The Categories

Young Ragamuffins with Lots of Money

Previous Programs: “Princes of Malibu ”, “The Simple Life”, “The O.C.”

To Start: The easiest way to settle into this category is to develop a reality television show focused around a rich family. It's surprising how willing some of America 's financially elite are to exploit themselves for a relatively small amount of bling. I heard that Nikki Hilton is interested in doing some sort of spin-off next spring season. Evidently she's willing to work in a car garage with Tom Green for a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see what sort of phallic devices Tom/Nikki puts in his/her mouth/pants.

If a wealthy stock of folk isn't exactly at your fingertips you could always just make one up. The catch is to make it seem like reality television, pulling on the viewer's heartstrings at well-timed intervals. This creates the illusion that rich people experience drama just like the rest of us, which we all know couldn't be farther from the truth. From what I hear the top 1% of the wealthy have actually found a cure for depression. It's called “money”.

Setting: Remember, the goal of your show here is to incite property lust from within your audience, so you should set your show in some horribly inefficient vacation spot. The houses: large. The cars: fast and luxurious. The locals: easy-going and idle-minded. There is nothing the average person wants more than to “chilax” with their “bros/shorties” while “sippin' on yak”. WARNING: refrain from the mighty temptation of setting your show somewhere far north. Yes, it would be sweet to have your characters ride around on snowmobiles all day, but you really don't know how attracted bears are to the scent of young people. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to stock 100 acres of woods with orphans?

Dysfunctional Families

Previous Programs: “Malcolm in the Middle”, “Arrested Development”, “The Bernie Mac Show”

To Start: It's imperative that you implement some sort of embellished nuclear family. Each member should display quirky traits, as follows:

The Father: Clumsy, penny-pinching, and always trying to keep up with the times. He tries to understand the culture his children's era has developed, but always manages to screw things up. For example:

Father: “Hey there, m'boy! Whatcha listening to? Some Snoop pop?”

Son: (removes oversized headphones) “No, Dad! This is Papa Roach.”

Father: “Well let me have a listen.”

Son: “Psh, fine.” (hands over headphones)

Father: (listening, completely motionless)

Son: “Well?"

Father: "Go to your room."

The Father should also be overly concerned with teaching his children life lessons. Whenever the opportunity should arise for The Father to say “Son/Baby, let me tell you something about girls/boys/marijuana/cheating/Flonase,” you should take full advantage.

The Mother: Keeps the household in line. The Father is usually so passionately in love with her that he'll bend to most of her desires. Where The Father is unwilling to punish his children she will goad him to. Also, at some point or another, the family should go on vacation where The Mother will see her favorite 80's male singer who she's had a crush on since she was a teenager. The Father will do something to piss her off and she will be given the opportunity to go backstage with said singer. After cock-teasing the guy for a while she'll have a change of heart and the family will be restored. This is not optional.

The Son(s): Rebellious and always out to make a dollar. Usually The Son(s) will be the most interesting part of your show. They get into the most trouble and usually come away with the most profit, be it money or the like (girls, a TV spot, etc.). Your Son(s) should also frequently say the word “sucks”. All the baby boomers know about younger males is that they say “sucks” a lot.

Mother: “Do your chores!”

Son(s): “This sucks!”

Essential.

The Daughter(s): If there is only one daughter on your show then she should be completely ignored and spared for cheap shots and the mandatory chat with The Father about “growing up”. If there are two daughters then the oldest should be mature for her age and the younger should annoy the living bejesus out of her.

Oldest Daughter: “I am never going to finish this thesis before I graduate elementary school!”

Youngest Daughter: “Hey there, Big Sis! Wanna play games all day?”

Oldest Daughter: “Absolutely not! I have to amplify female empowerment!”

Youngest Daughter: “Dawwwwwwwwww, yer no fun! Play!”

The oldest daughter should then complain to either parent, whereupon she is beaten with an empty pizza box for forgetting how important family is.

Typically your show is going to revolve around The Father or (one of) The Son(s). Whoever you choose as a focal point you'll probably want to have them speak aside to the audience on a regular basis. This can be very helpful in revealing the main character's feelings in certain situations.

Mother: “Do your homework!”

Son: (aside) “This sucks!”

This is also one of the few opportunities you will have to express any sort of creativity. If it's to your liking you can give your family a pet or a baby. There is pretty much no difference between the two: they can't talk and will usually only be used when The Daughter isn't available for cheap shots. Circumstances include:

Father: “Who made this mess?!”

Baby/Pet: (tilts head and looks adorable)

Mother: “Who ate all of my chocolates?!”

Baby/Pet: (tilts head and looks adorable)

Son: “Who finished off my reefer and knocked up my girlfriend?!”

Baby/Pet: (tilts head and looks adorable)

Setting: You should try to place your family somewhere in middle-suburbia. You want to strike similarities between your cast and your audience all while showing them “Well, your life really isn't as fucked up as it seems”. This concept is also applicable to our next category.

Reality Show Challenges

Previous Programs: “Kitchen Confidential”, “Nanny 911”, “Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy”

To Start: Remembering that we want our viewers to understand just how fucked up other people's lives are, this is probably your best opportunity to show some fucked up people. Stick a bunch of normal joe-smoes in a room and have them take orders from a relatively unstable man recently released from an insane asylum. It doesn't matter what they're doing, just make sure there is plenty of opportunity for them to botch up, granting said maniac the chance to break everything in sight. If you really want to hit home you can find a family looking for help with a personal problem, send the maniac to go live with them for a few weeks, and hope the camera crew doesn't bail when the house goes up in flames. The real key here is securing a really crazy bastard, preferably British.

POP QUIZ:

1.) You've found a small family is Phoenix with a child who becomes fussy when bath-time rolls around. You should:

a.) Send an old man over to tame the child with a switch.

b.) Send an old Brit over to tame the child with a switch.

c.) Cast the family for the new season of “House”.

d.) Let the family solve their own problems.

The answer, of course, is B. Next question.

2.) A group of aspiring college graduates look to break into the video game market. You should:

a.) Have them work under an established member of the field.

b.) Have them work under an established member of “The Shield”.

c.) Send an old Brit over to tame the group with several switches.

d.) b&c

D. The answer is D.

Setting: If you're going to intrude on a family you'll want them to be living in lower-class conditions. Not just lower-class, but that sort of funny lower class. The family should be able to sustain comfortably, but the refrigerator's door should be a piece of plywood, or the telephone should quack when people call or something. If you're going to gather a group of everyday people you should try to make them seem pretty well off. A man in a suit who carries his manners about him being forced to cry is enough to make Bill Belichick smile.

“This one's for my bread maker. God I love that fucking thing.”

Adult-Oriented Animation

Previous Programs: “The Simpsons”, “King of the Hill”, “Family Guy”

To Start: Animation is seen as a device for children's entertainment, so when you swear in a cartoon it has a shock value only equaled by “The View: Nude”. FOX took a gamble with The Simpsons and it paid off, so they decided to take the same risk every time they got dealt the cards. To be taboo is to be successful in this field. FOX will probably be more willing to buy your show if you break even more rules. Hell, draw your characters completely naked. That's probably tame considered to what "Ay-Curamba!" was in 1989.

The Setting: That's the beauty of animation! It remains completely arbitrary where you decide to place your characters. The more important question is how you're going to draw your cartoon. That seems to be what defines many adult cartoons from one another. Let's compare some.

Sharp borders, pastel colors

Thick borders, dark overtones

Lots of pot and a looming deadline

That should be more than enough for you to start your own FOX program, ladies and gents. If your program doesn't make the airwaves it's no big deal. No matter how little you know about baseball FOX is always looking for more commentators.