An Evening of NCAA Basketball Tournament Television.

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An Evening of NCAA Tournament Basketball.
or. The night the great commonwealth of Kentucky sank into the sea.
written by Jon - march 23- 2004

How to fill out an NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket.

Here in Kentucky, basketball is huge. So huge that our state bird is the basketball, our state tree is the basketball goal, and our state song is the meadowlark. In virtually every workplace in the commonwealth, crappy Xeroxes of the tournament bracket from the local newspaper are distributed.

A common tradition is to predict the winners, and fill them into one's bracket. The problem with this is that you can't read a single fucking word on the page. Also, judging from this particular Xerox, the winner of the Atlanta division will face off against two or three specks, and sixteenth-seeded East Washington is automatically eliminated from the playoffs without even having the chance to play anybody. The Xeroxes are so crappy-looking because the Louisville Courier-Journal only prints one newspaper a day for the entire city, since we in Louisville have not discovered the automatic printing press. In order to get everyone a bracket in time for the tournament, we are forced to make Xeroxes of Xeroxes of Xeroxes of Xeroxes of Xeroxes. This process continues ad infinitum until we say the word Xerox so many times that it loses its meaning.

If you do happen to be the lucky soul that gets an original copy of the bracket, you have a huge advantage, and are hence heavily favored to win the tournament pool at your workplace. Usually, these pools are organized by some guy who blows off his pool-officiating duties in a hilarious fashion, as illustrated below.

Of course, there's also the troublesome issue of actually knowing anything about the teams who are playing. Most people who submit a bracket like to make up bullshit reasons for why they picked a given team. When bullshitting, keep in mind that every basketball team in the country has a player named Miles, and that Miles has a great outside jump shot that should be able to exploit _______'s weaknesses. Also, steering a conversation about the tournament toward various seeding is a great way to show that you know that being a lower seed is better than being a higher seed.

When picking which team will when, the following procedure should be applied.

1. Pick every lower seed to win, unless either of the rules below apply.

2. Find the team that's closest in vicinity to your hometown, pick them to survive two extra rounds, and tell everyone that it's because you "feel it in your blood".

3. Remember that team that you heard someone talk about on ESPN right before you fell asleep in front of your TV? Pick that team to win it all, and be smug about it whenever you bring it up. Perhaps you should practice that "I know something you don't" look in the mirror.

Hopefully, these hints should make it easier for you to completely suck all the joy out of basketball by ignoring the passion and excitement of the game, and instead spending hours pretending that your tournament bracket isn't, in principle, a Scratch 'N Win lottery card.

Leslie Visser's halftime interviews.

In Columbus, Ohio, 16th-seeded Florida A&M faced off against 1-seeded Kentucky, and nobody was giving them a chance. So it was surprising when A&M was within a few points within the Wildcats before halftime.

Leslie Visser: Coach Smith, nobody would have thought that Florida A&M would have stayed so close on the scoreboard at halftime. What are your thoughts?
UK coach Tubby Smith: Oh, the game. I don't know. I've spent most of the game trying to do that thing where you make a vagina out of your hands.

Visser: ...Well, surely you're impressed with their effort in the first half!
Smith: I can't remember, don't you have to have two people to do it with? Do you know how to do it? Can you help me?
Visser: Uh...uh, thank you, Coach.
Smith: ...bitch...

Visser then made her way to the A&M coach, Mike Gillespie.

Visser: Coach Gillespie, are you surprised with your team's terrific effort so far this game?
Gillespie: waht/

Visser: COACH, ARE YOU SURPRISED WITH YOUR TEAM'S EFFORT?
Gillespie: yuo are pretty!

Visser: Uh...well, um, thank you! I was --
Gillespie: TOOT TOOOOOT!

Visser: And with that, I am officially becoming a lesbian. Back to you at the studio, Greg.

Louisville Cardinals head coach Rick Pitino's
stream of consciousness.

THE WILL TO WIN.

THE WILL

TO WIN.

humility? well, jim, you know it

it uh

WIN. THE WILL TO WIN. THE WINNING WAY.

we play to win. WE PLAY TO WIN. GO OUT THERE AND WIN SOME BALL. do you hear me?

WIN. SOME. BALL.

ok time to coach

...deep breath

coach coach coach coach coach coach coach coach coach coach coach coach

WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK

OFFENSIVE FOUL MY ASS

*wank*

coach coach coach coach

oh shit

OH SHIT

POINT TO STUFF

point point point point point point point point point point point point point point point point

wait

point point point p-

wait what?

aw shit.

WHAS-TV breaks the news to a doomed Commonwealth.

By midnight, the state of Kentucky was consumed with the agonies of failure. Both major tournament teams, Kentucky and Louisville, had fallen on the first weekend of the tournament, a completely unprecedented catastrophe. Not long afterward, the power plants and running water were shut down. The governor officially resigned his post to the fates at 12:38 AM. People left their cars and houses, sprawled on the ground face-up, and waited to die. Wrought with shame, the players and coaches hung themselves from their basketball goals, their dangling bodies serving as silhouettes of macabre, listless pendulums against the pale moonlight. This violated numerous NCAA regulations and prohibited either college from entering tournament play again until 2007.

Harrowing footage of WHAS-TV Louisville's final moments before total blackout was captured.

"Ooh, that HAD to hurt!"

"Someone's no longer alive on 65! I just came up with that, just now. Rick?"

"Thank you, Vicki. We have just received word that U of L has lost --

"God. No. Reset the teleprompter. That can't be right."

"It..."

"Okay, okay...okay. We are now receiving word that U of L has lost to Xavier University by a score of 80 to 70."

(frightened moan is audible)

"The governor's office has urged citizens to remain calm. As a precautionary measure, everyone is advised to gather blankets and a flashlight, and immediately take shelter in a basement or closet. We will stay on the air as long as it is still safe to do so."

"Things are a little scary now...as a news reporter it is my duty to remain at my post for as long as possible. Those receiving this channel outside the Kentuckiana area. You may be wondering, "What's the big deal? Why should people do a tornado drill just because their team lost? Well, friends, the answer is--"

"Okay, we...we are now getting word...

"We are now getting word that Kentucky has fallen. I repeat, Kentucky has fallen."

(camera lens shakes. Shrieks are heard off camera.)

"I am now going to puncture my neck with a ball pump. Goodnight."

After the station shut down, I sat in my room. It was dark, and all was silent save for the distant wailing voices of a shattered commonwealth. And I realized that I was to blame.

It was all my fault. Every time I attempt an "Evening At" post, tragedy strikes. In An Evening at Wrigley, the Cubs are doomed to failure. In An Evening of NFL Playoff Television, all my favorite teams lose. This disturbing trend has occurred ever since I penned the infamous An Evening at Gigli, during which I crapped my eyes out my butthole. Well, hopefully I can write An Evening at Hamas and Sheik Ahmed Yassin will get punched in the face by a missile.

oh wait

- Jon
[email protected]
AIM: Boiskov

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