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A Sunday of NFL Playoff
Television.
Ten stories.
Two championship games. One socially withdrawn Internet writer.
written by Jon - january
20 - 2004
1. The Kansas City
Chiefs advance to the Super Bowl
1. The Kansas City
Chiefs are ready for the Conference Championship Game
1. The Kansas City
Chiefs beat the Colts
1. The Kansas City
Chiefs made the Colts punt at least once the entire game
1. The Kansas City Chiefs are my favorite team!
2. The CBS Commentary Crew.
Hi there, this is Jim Nantz, along with Dan Marino, Deion Sanders, and Boomer Esiason. Thank you for joining us as we await the opening kickoff of the AFC Championship between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. Fellas, what do you think about the matchup?
Well, the way I see it, Peyton Manning has all the tools. He's put up incredible numbers over his career, and the one thing he doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring. This is his chance to get one step closer to that goal.
Dan, brother, why don't you have a Super Bowl ring?
Oh, come now, Prime Time! You merely josh, I'm sure.
Deion asked you a question, Dan. Why haven't you ever won a Super Bowl?
Jeez, guys! I know we're supposed to make witty banter, but can we go back to one of our old standbys? Like calling Boomer Esiason "Boomer" and questioning Deion's sexuality?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
I, uh, I...
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
Why did you not win a Super Bowl, Dan?
"..."
"........"
".........................."
3. Tony Dungy's predicament.
God, Peyton keeps getting picked off almost
every time I let him throw the ball, and our running game has hit
a brick wall. How do I know which ink cartridge to
buy Which play should I call next?
"Run left, 1 yard gain."
...damn.
"Shovel pass, loss of three yards."
...shit..
"Pass down the middle..."
...come on...
...
"...intercepted."
DAWWWW.
4. The stream of Colts kicker Hunter Smith's consciousness.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
haven't had to punt in several weeks
fuck do i remember how to punt?
???
ok
ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok
ok HUT
FUCK HIGH SNAP
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
what do i do what do i do what do i do what do i do what do i do
fall on
ball
pass
attempt
field goal
kick?
...
..........kick?
KICK
KICK
KICK
KICK
.....
..................
...does that count?
"SAFETY."
shit.
5. The OnStar Button.
This man has no idea
that he is
about to
win
THE HEAD COACHING JOB THAT WILL SOON BE VACATED BY TONY DUNGY!!!!!
OMG I CANT BELIEVE IT
6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
So here I was, in front of my computer trying to put an article together for Tuesday's update. As some of you know, I ignore a lot of my IMs when I'm really trying to get an article cranked out. But if it's someone extra-special, I'll answer. Such an instance occured today.
MyDadIsDead333: hey
Boiskov: Hey, Mike! Long time, no talk!
MyDadIsDead333: what/
Boiskov: This is Michael Jordan, right? Or Brett
Favre?
MyDadIsDead333: lol no!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is
dale earnhardt jr!!!
Boiskov: Heh, whoops. Sorry.
MyDadIsDead333: np
MyDadIsDead333: im on my cell phone what r u up to
Boiskov: Not much, just trying to get some
screenshots for this article I'm writing. It can be kind of
a pain in the ass. Did you know that Tony Dungy can't be
screencapped for some reason? I think that means he's a
ghost.
MyDadIsDead333: lol maybe the ghost of christmas gay!
Boiskov: Yeah.
MyDadIsDead333: i heard ur site needs another writer
Boiskov: No, Dale. Just...no.
MyDadIsDead333: :(
MyDadIsDead333: k
MyDadIsDead333: im bored
Boiskov: I'm kind of busy right now, man.
MyDadIsDead333: sry
MyDadIsDead333: hey
MyDadIsDead333: im sitting at the game and its boring. what
should i do
Boiskov: God, I don't know, man. Get in your car and
ask if you can fill in for Tom Brady.
MyDadIsDead333: lol k
Dale's a great guy, but sometimes the man just doesn't know when you're joking and when you're not. A few seconds later, I looked up at the TV in horror.
MyDadIsDead333: tuchdown lol
Boiskov: hahaha, you're one crazy motherfucker, you know
that?
MyDadIsDead333: THIS ONES FOR YOU DDA WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
7. Peyton Manning has had enough.
Sunday was not a good day for Peyton Manning.
In his six-year NFL career, he had accomplished all he could hope to accomplish. Except, that is, for a Super Bowl ring. He wanted to win with every ounce of his being. He did not want to be the next Dan Marino.
So when the taste of defeat finally began to appreciate inside his mouth, he almost could not bear it. It was especially bitter, given that he had practically handed the game to the Patriots with his countless costly interceptions.
But Peyton was not a man to lay back and let karma do all the work. He was going to make things right himself. Quickly, he demanded an emergency trade to the Panthers and boarded his private jet for Philadelphia, where the NFC championship game was just getting underway. Upon arrival, he promptly entered the game as a defensive back. Immediately, he picked off Donovan McNabb's pass to give his new offense the ball.
By the time the game was over, Manning had picked off three passes, nearly zeroing his personal net turnover total for the day. No response but the Funky Chicken seemed appropriate.
EDITOR'S NOTE: These are completely untouched photos, all taken on the same day. I did not Photoshop these; I do not even own a Photoshop machine. If I tried to edit said picture, it probably would look something like this:
Yeah, that's a sun in the upper left corner. WHAT'S IT TO YA
8. Rod Smart's insecurities.
They hate me. It's true. They hate me.
It wasn't always like this. He Hate Me used to be loved. He Hate Me used to be hugged.
He Hate Me would very much like to be hugged again. But they hate me. They would not hug He Hate Me. They want to pop the shit out of He Hate Me.
LOVE ME
PLEASE
PLEASE LOVE ME
NO--
He Hate Me's had an accident. SO MAY YOU ALL.
9. The historical pattern the Eagles are following.
For the past three years the Eagles have reached the NFC Championship, and for the past three years they have lost. History often contains some painful memories, but dredging it up is the only way that we can learn from it.
If nothing else, history has taught us that its karmic track is looped to replay ad infinitum. The Philadelphia Eagles have lost three in a row. One would be wise at this juncture to consider another instance in which a bunch of assholes lost three times consecutively.
The crusades of most historical significance occured largely in the 12th century. Three times the Christians fell short of their quest to free Muslims from the evil clutches of Muslims. Can we learn from this dark chapter in history to conclude what the future holds in store for these Philadelphia Eagles?
Actually, yes. If historic trends are continued, the Eagles will reach the NFC Championship yet again, only to send their children out onto the field and sell them into slavery to the Rams.
THIS IS THE MOST BITTER OF IRONIES, SEEING HOW I AM BLACK AND ALL
10. Rush Limbaugh attempts to make amends.
Underneath the callous layer of conservative rhetoric and closed-minded vitriolic, Rush Limbaugh is actually kind of a softy. After denouncing Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb early in the season for being black, he began to feel remorse, but could never quite swallow his pride enough to do so.
The day after the game, it occured to him.
RUSH stands in DONOVAN'S front yard, trimming a bush.
RUSH. Hey, check it out,
Donovan!
DONOVAN. (stares)
RUSH. Heh, I bet you barely recognize me!
I got skinny. Skinny and deaf! And addicted to
Flintstones vitamins!
DONOVAN. (shakes head)
RUSH. Well, anyway, check it out! Eh? Eh?
DONOVAN. (bends over to pick up paper.) That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not my yard.
RUSH. What?
DONOVAN. That's not
my yard.
RUSH. oh. sry
And Mr. Limbaugh sheepishly stared at his feet, the ambivalent gaze of Mr. McNabb penetrating him. He slowly turned, shears in hand, and trudged home. Another season would soon be upon us, and soon, everything would be new.
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov