Hey, daydream believers! This is your old pal Punching Puppet Ghaleon, here to deliver a fun-filled, action packed article filled to the brim with chuckles and guffaws.
Actually, in all honesty, because we punching puppets are men of virtue above all else, I was a little stuck for material this week. My ex-wife took me to court again, my dog had to go to the vet, and a pipe burst in my basement. So between the stress, the running around, and the irreparable water damage to my collection of vintage TV Guides, I haven't had much time or interest in finding a topic to talk about.
Then I saw that my buddy Spider-Man seemed to be in a similar situation, and had solved it quite neatly by killing three articles off by reviewing crayons. What a creative idea, I thought. Then I thought no, wait, that's not creative at all. But it is desperate and that's what I am. Unfortunately, I then realized I don't have any crayons or toys or video tapes of old TV commercials to review, because I'm not 8 years old.
Uh.. Ignore that.
So I had to find something else. It took some searching, but this lonely bachelor pad isn't entirely without its hidden treasures. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed as I reveal to you..
My lint trap! I have many capes and socks to wash, so there's always something interesting in here. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
The first thing you need to know is that lint traps trap lint. The second thing you need to know is.. um... well, I guess that sort of covers it.
This is lint. In its presence, Catholics must fast and abstain from meat for 40 days. You wouldn't think that this stuff is that powerful, but you haven't heard some of the noises my dryer makes. There is some serious spiritual shit going down in there.
Lint is light and fluffy, like cotton candy, but tastes dry and dirty, like grandpa. Many people throw away their lint, but they don't know it can be used for all sorts of arts and crafts projects, like making fake snow around the base of your tree at Christmas-time, or dying of dust inhalation.
Here, watch this.
Not Ghaleon, dear Quark..
Magic Emperor ZZ Top Ghaleon! Ha ha ha. This is just one example of the fun you can have with lint.
Here's some colored lint. It's the same as the other kind, but it has an obsession with ice and rims. I think this piece looks like Portugal.
Sigh. Y'know, this isn't quite working out the way I planned. This is worse than listening to Extendo Neck with the eight-knuckled fingers explain how blue gray is more like blue GAY. It's cold and wet down here. I'm going back upstairs.
Hmm. Even with my giant font, this article is looking a little sparse. Can't call it quits just yet -- lemme go up to my room and see if I can find some junk to talk about. Meanwhile I'll continue to describe what I'm doing before I do it to take up more space.
I will ascend these steps momentarily.
TASK COMPLETED.
Here's my Box O' Junk. No, it doesn't contain a vacuum cleaner -- that's just to fool burglars. Unless they're compulsively clean burglars, then I'm fucked. This box is where I store the various crap I've collected over the years. With this much stuff, there's bound to be something I can review.
Well here's.. this thing. I'm not exactly sure what it does, other than collect an absurd amount of dust. I think it's a betamax player.
Actually, I'm just joking. I know exactly what this is.
You see, before cell phones were made so small that they could drop into a pore in your skin if you lost your grip on them, people who wanted mobile communications had to carry these around. Ironically, the sheer weight of the devices meant they couldn't carry them anywhere. I think this one still works, let me try it out.
Uh, yes, hello? Is your refrigerator running? If so, you must buy your large appliances from a reputable manufacturer! Wait, shit, I think I messed that up.
The power of a sun.. attached to your wall outlet. Yes, thanks to the modern marvels of early 1980s technology, the Colecovision required only 1.21 jigowatts and an electro-magnetic shock burst from a nearby solar flare to operate. Average up time: 15 minutes, afterwards the pack would have clawed two plug-sized gashes through the outlet and down to the floor. You may notice I'm not looking right at it; it's because I'm lost in thought about just how huge this thing is.
Oh, I see something else in this box worth showing off..
Ahh, Princess Toadstool. Peach to her friends. The wind beneath my P Wings. When I was naught more than a finger puppet, I had a crush on the loveliest princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. I wanted to save her castle, if you know what I mean. I wanted to warp in her pipe, if you know what I mean. I wanted her to jump on my flagpole 'til I saw fireworks, if you know what I mean. I wanted to hop on her paratroopa so it lost its wings and became a regular koopa troopa, if you know what I mean.
Ever since that time I've always wanted to meet her. I have to say, I didn't expect her to be quite so small. I guess the camera really does add ten pounds. And five and a half feet. She also looks a little.. um.. disoriented. I think she was in that box a little too long.
Let's see what else we've got here.
Boy, I sure hope no one sneaks up on me right now.
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