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Our Forty Favorite
Movie Scenes
Watch out for high levels
of VAN HALEN on this list!
written by progressive boink- november 25th - 2003
JON
Not a single one of my scenes involve
Japanese people. I'm so fucking mainstream that if I were an artery, I
would be the aorta.
10. Boiler Room
(2000)
Scene: Ben Affleck gives the group interview at the J.T.
Marlin firm.
Significance: I’d like to spend a moment to establish my
Internet credibility. Ben Affleck? More like BENNIFER. There. That
said, he kicks ass in this scene. He single-handedly gets me excited about this
movie. He made me happy when he was nice to the guy that accidentally sat in
his chair, then turned around and totally bitched out the jackass who made fun
of the guy.
Relevance:
It reminds me of my entrance interview into RadioShack; parts of it were
probably stolen verbatim from what I heard. And like Ben Affleck’s promise,
RadioShack’s claim that I would make a million dollars in my first three years
has come true. As a result, I was able to retire at age 21 and devote all my
time to writing big long caption-articles for screenshots of various video games
or movies.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: The scene in which the Jennifer
half of BENNIFER does a five-minute-long monologue in Gigli about
how her vagina is pretty.
9. NARC
(2002)
Scene: Police Lt. Henry Oak (Ray Liotta) beats the shit out of
a convict with an eight-ball stuffed in a sock.
Significance: There’s just something unusually tangible about
this choice of a weapon. I’m not really sure how exactly it would feel to be
stabbed with a sword, or shot with a gun. But someone whipping an 8-ball into
my eye socket? OW.
Relevance:
One time I was playing pool with my friend, and I was standing in front of the
ball he was aiming at. The cue ball hopped the wall and knocked me in the
balls.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene:
The scene in “Sweet Home
Alabama” in which Reese Witherspoon is at a
bar, and I think she beats some guy at pool or something. I passed out halfway
through.
8. Die Hard
(1988)
Scene: Ellis, the slick asshead negotiator, gets shot in the
face.
Significance:
I spent the entire movie hating this guy, and sometimes it’s nice to see the
screenplay writer go for the cheap audience pleaser.
Relevance:
He calls John McClane (Bruce Willis) “John-boy.” I fucking hate it when people
call me John-boy. When he said that I used Samir’s High Velocity Heel-Kick
of Doom on the TV and got broken glass shards everywhere. Then I hobbled to
my bathroom, sat on the sink, and picked the glass out of my feet while radioing
the dad from Family Matters, who told me that I’ve got to know when to act, when
to lay low, and when…and when to pray.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene:
Ellis getting chloroformed and experiencing a quiet, painless death in Die
Soft.
7. Snatch
(2002)
Scene: Turkish (Jason Statham) bets Mickey the piker (Brad
Pitt) that the rabbit will get caught by the hounds, and get fucked. WAT.
PRO’ER FAKT.
Significance:
The music was awesome in this sequence, but the best part was the knowledge that
the footage was not doctored, and that the filmmakers really did let a couple of
greyhounds loose on a rabbit.
Relevance:
My dog ate a blue jay in mid-air once. Feathers and guts were spread all over
the backyard.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene:
Air Bud catching Frisbees in Air Bud. What the fuck? Microsoft Word
just capitalized Frisbee. Whew, now that I have a quirky observation out of the
way I don’t have to worry about making a joke about Air Bud.
6. American History X
(1998)
Scene: Derek Vinyard (Ed Norton) executes the guy
executing a car burglary, execution-style.
Significance: Just the thought of being curbed to death is
like scratching your fingernails on a chalkboard. Not up and down.
Sideways. The sound guys amplified the chalky clink of the guy’s teeth
meeting the curb, and it just makes the scene.
Relevance:
As a black man, I was shocked and horrified by this scene.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Every single other movie scene
where the black guy dies first.
5. Office Space
(1998)
Scene: Peter, Samir, and Michael Bolton exact retribution on
their office copier that’s spent the last few months malfunctioning on them.
Significance: The Geto Boys track in the background really
makes this scene. A lot of the humor from this movie stems from the soundtrack;
they picked the blackest possible soundtrack (almost 100% violent gangsta rap)
for the whitest possible movie (about a bunch of honkies who are tired of
working in cubicles). Also, we’re treated to Samir’s High Velocity Heel-Kick
of Doom, which is at least as awesome as Miguel’s Super Spin Kick of Doom.
Relevance:
I was at my family’s church a while back, and I was using the copier in the
office. Sure enough, it malfunctioned, and the display read PC LOADLETTER.
I shouted “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?” and laughed. I looked up and
saw the pastor. I stopped laughing.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: The beatdown scene in “2 Fast 2
Furious”, which isn’t so much of a beatdown scene as it is a bunch of thugs
putting on this rat on this guy’s chest and letting him bite him several
times.
4. Freddy Got Fingered
(2000)
Scene: Gord (Tom Green) takes his girlfriend to a fancy
restaurant, and pretends that his cordless phone is a cell phone to impress
her. His dad (Rip Torn), who is under the impression that he happens to be
dining in the same restaurant, and all hell breaks loose when he sees Gord.
Significance: I’ve laughed harder at this scene than I have at
any other scene, ever. There are about ten hilarious concepts in this scene,
maybe the funniest of which is that guy who promises his son “a piece of
cake.” He fully annunciates of, which is awesome. The running gag in
this movie is that the kid gets really hurt in every scene he’s in, and this
time he catches a champagne bottle with his face.
Relevance:
Gord’s cordless-phone-and-tape-recorder-playing-the-sound-of-a-ringing-phone
idea is sheer brilliance. My particular version is not as sophisticated, but
I’ve ducked out of a conversation more than once with a customer at work by
calling the store phone with my cell phone. Genius.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: That scene with Al Pacino in “The
Godfather” where he shoots those two guys in the restaurant. Maybe I’m not
being fair, that scene actually was pretty funny.
3. The Royal Tenenbaums
(2002)
Scene: Richie Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson) is introduced in the
Cast of Characters.
Significance:
There are so many scenes in this movie which I love to death, and it was nearly
impossible to pick a favorite. In this shot, which lasts about ten seconds,
Richie holds the camera up to his eye. Then he lowers it to his chest, and
shortly thereafter you hear the click of the shutter. It’s quick, strange, and
subtle, and all three work to its advantage. Moments like these don’t induce
side-splitting laughter, but The Royal Tenenbaums has so many of them
that it keeps me smiling throughout the entire movie.
Relevance:
When I take a photograph, the pictures often look better when I don’t pay too
much attention to where I point it. That’s probably because I really, really
suck.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene:
Luke Wilson’s introduction scene in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, in
which he appears onscreen to help Drew Barrymore carry her TV.
Charlie’s Angels : Full Throttle ::
The Royal Tenenbaums : Luke Wilson’s Last Non-Shitty Movie.
did you see what I did there lol
2. The Shawshank Redemption
(1994)
Scene: Andy DuFresne breaks out of prison.
Significance:
Prison movies are some of the best movies ever, but only if they involve a
super-awesome jailbreak, which this is. It’s not so much action-packed (like
almost every other scene on my list) as it is inspirational. The guy finally
gets to reap the benefits of twenty years of smuggling rock out of the wall and
into the prison yard. Talk about getting your pebbles off. fuck i
messed it up
Relevance:
Actually, not much. I was born with almost zero ability to smell, and I am
completely unable to smell farts, or shit, or anything of that nature.
Consequently, I don’t think crawling through a half a mile of sewage would be
all that bad. Sort of like an extra-long Slip-N-Slide of mashed potatoes and
gravy. Incidentally, utilizing a Slip-N-Slide with mashed potatoes and gravy is
one of my life goals.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene:
Patch Adams making the old crippled lady’s dream come true by dumping her in a
swimming pool full of noodles.
1. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
(1985)
Scene: Pee-Wee (Pee-Wee) finds himself singing folk songs
with a hobo on a train in a quest to find his bike.
Significance:
JIMMY CRACK CORN, AND I DON’T CARE
Relevance: JIMMY CRACK CORN, AND I DON’T CARE
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: JIMMY CRACK CORN, AND I DOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAARE
- Jon
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