| Proud Member Of |
|
|
Our Forty Favorite
Movie Scenes
I dinnae know what to
write here, what did you write for yorn?
written by progressive boink- november 25th - 2003
previous writer :: next writer
EMILY.
10) The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Scene: Agent Smith's big cool anime
entrance, complete with slow motion crows.
Significance: Fuck the haters. Everything
Agent Smith did in the three Matrix movies, and most specifically
in parts two and three, was gold. Everyone involved went out of
their way to make Smith look like a bad ass, and this is the kind
of swank entrance that a true bad ass requires. See also, O-Ren
and her Crazy Sexy Gang entering the House of Blue Leaves in Kill
Bill.
Relevance: Hugo Weaving is great. The
coolest guy ever. I can't even watch "Babe" now without
expecting Rex to assimilate that retarded duck.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Rachael Leigh
Cook walking down the stares and giving Freddie Prinze Jr. a
boner in "She's All That."
9) Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure (1989)
Scene: Entrusted to Ted's little brother
Deacon, Emperor of the French and military heavyweight Napoleon
Bonaparte takes in a game of bowling, cheats, gets pissed off,
and is thrown out.
Significance: Bill and Ted's Excellent
Adventure involves two dimwitted California teenagers snatching
people of significance from their natural time period so they can
put on an assembly. Most of these people (Billy the Kid,
So-Crates, Andy Griffith) don't seem to mind being used and
exploited and end up having fun by fucking up a mall. But
Napoleon remains an angry and confused little Frenchman who
changes the scores when kids aren't looking and says
"shit" from his belly on a bowling lane nine times.
Relevance: I hold my tummy and laugh out
loud whenever Renee Dupree does his gay French Hop of D00M and
F33R. I also like to cheat at games. I cheated at Candy Land when
I was a little kid, and tried to use the word "OB" in a
game of Scrabble with B.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: When Napoleon
eats a huge sundae and gets a pig sticker in the TV mini-series
"Napoleon and Josephine: A Love Story" starring Armand
Assante.
In conclusion, SAN
DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES.
8) My Neighbor
Totoro (1988)
Scene: Sent outside to play as her father
works, six-year old Mei comes back into the house with a handfull
of picked flowers and places them on his work dest. "Father
is a florist," she says, and returns to play.
Significance: Studio Ghibli makes the most
real children, the most realistic, sweet little souls in
animation or live-action. Children are like Christians, only
portrayed in movies as perfect saints or evil hellions. Miyazaki
realizes that kids are just imperfect people who still have time
to bake, and he shows this with love and compassion, and never
with condescension. Mei is not an angel child but she can go from
crazy (running around the house screaming and crying) to
something endearing and heartwarming without provocation.
Relevance: I was a little girl once, and
sometimes it's nice to be reminded.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Problem Child
2, when Problem Child and Problem Lass take turns flicking
meatballs at Gilbert Gottfried.
7) O Brother,
Where Art Thou?
(2000)
Scene: George Clooney and his companions
not possessing the capacity for abstract thought invade a clan
meeting to save a friend.
Significance: O
Brother is famous for it's music, and for a good reason. The song
in this scene is "O Death" by
Ralph Stanley, which I love. It blows me away. On a related note,
the awesome actor Tim Blake Nelson, seen here, went on to direct
the Julia Stiles-getting-railed-by-negroes Shakespearean epic
"O." CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE.
Relevance: It gives me a chance to make
that awesome "Birth of a Rhythm Nation" joke.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: That scene in
"One Fine Day" when George Clooney and Michelle
Pfieffer invade a clan meeting hate each other
but really love each other.
6) Breakfast at
Tiffany's (1961)
Scene: The first meeting of Holly
Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) and Paul "Fred" Varjak
(George Peppard). Paul walks around the room with Holly as she
prepares to visit Sally Tomato in prison.
Significance: This isn't so much about
what's going on, but how everything is set up. The scenes are
long and continuous as she looks for her phone, looks for her
shoes, puts on her make-up and gets dressed. Peppard begins to
fall in love with her from the sheer oddness of the entire
situation. Like falling in love with a girl named Bonanza. It
lets you get to know the characters almost immediately by showing
instead of telling, which is barely ever done. Also, it's hard to
not fall in love with the endearingly flakey Holly.
Relevance: George Peppard played Hannibal
on the A-Team when I was a little girl. Wouldn't the smart thing
be to have a crush on Face? Or Hannibal, since he was in
Breakfast at Tiffany's? Fuck, or even Mr. T. No, I had a crush on
Murdock. Dwight Schultz. When I was four.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Kirsten Dunst
and Swimmer-with-Fans Donny Osmond brushing their teeth
seductively at each other in "Bring it On."
5) The Little
Mermaid (1989)
Scene: Ursula the Evil Architeuthis sings
about helping out poor, unfortunate souls in the aptly titled,
"Poor, Unfortunate Souls."
Significance: Every girl knows the lyrics to this song. If
they don't, they have a penis. If you're a weird cave girl living
in the Planet FagTard and don't want boys to think you have a
penis, please read:
[Ursula:] The only way to get what you want is to become a human
yourself.
[Ariel:] Can you do that?
[Ursula:] My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I
live for. To
help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself - poor souls with no one
else to turn to.
I admit that in the past I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch
But you'll find that nowadays
I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light and made a switch
True? Yes
And I fortunately know a little magic
It's a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don't laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, lonely and depressed
Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, In need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad
So true
They come flocking to my cauldron
Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!"
And I help them?
Yes, I do
Now it's happened once or twice
Someone couldn't pay the price
And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals
Yes, I've had the odd complaint
But on the whole I've been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls
[Ursula:] Have we got a deal?
[Ariel:] If I become human, I'll never be with my father or
sisters again.
[Ursula:] But you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices,
innit?
Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the
subject of payment.
[Ariel:] But I don't have any -
[Ursula:] I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle.
What I want
from you is...your voice.
[Ariel:] But without my voice, how can I -
[Ursula:] You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't
underestimate
the importance of body language! Ha!
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But
they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your voice!
You
poor unfortunate soul
It's sad
But true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This
poor unfortunate soul.
"Paluga....Sarruga....Come Winds of the Caspian Sea!"
"Now rings us glossitis and maxlarnygitis La Voce to
me!"
" Now Sing..."
Next week: How to use a tampon.
Relevance: Every girl who grew up, watched
The Little Mermaid, and loved Ursula ... they all turned goth.
Every one of them. The ones who didn't are probably already named
Ariel. You can't go into a Putt-Putt or an Old Navy these days
without being in the same square mile as twenty Ariels.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Problem Child
2, when Problem Child and Problem Lass take turns flicking
meatballs at Evil Parrot Iago.
4) Akira
Kurosawa's Dreams
(1990)
Scene: "The Tunnel." A military
commander awakens his fallen comrades, and has to explain to them
that they're dead.
Significance: The scene is really simple
and touches on something unbelievably sad. Watching a man
struggle with something so personal and impossible to understand
is a struggle in itself to watch. How do you make someone
understand that they died? How can you make someone understand
anything?
Relevance: I have never seen a movie that
ripped my heart out in this way. I've never had such a physical
reaction to a movie. I cried like I cry at my saddest, heaping
sobs and painful tears that press themselves out of my eyes. Some
movies are works of art, but "Dreams" IS art. Plain,
and simply.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Bruce Willis
pratically giving Ben Affleck head as he bids him farewell from
his hurtling rock of eternity in "Armageddon." I LOVE
YOU SON. TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER. OH AND I AM ACTUALLY
ALREADY DEAD.
3) Gremlins 2: The
New Batch (1990)
Scene: The Gremlins celebrate the immenent
doom of New York City by illogically putting on a full production
of "New York, New York" in a hotel lobby.
Significance: The whole movie is absurd
and climaxes in this scene where an abnormally intelligent Tony
Randall Gremlin performs the American standard, intercut with
scenes of a female Gremlin (who looks like the "kissy"
AOL emoticon) getting it on with an (grossly) interested human
dude. I'm all, WHAT THE FUDGE, and then they die. And I'm all,
what? And I'm all...oh. Oh. OH.
Relevance: The new rules of owning a
Mogwai:
1) Don't expose them to sunlight. OLD ASIAN MAN SAYS THEY HATE
SUNLIGHT SO STFU AND LISTEN TO HIM
2) Don't accept gifts from anybody named "Ran," even if
they're in your family, because they're either a shady movie
character or an Akira Kurosawa Shakespearean adaptation.
3) DON'T GIVE ANTHROPOMORPHIC FEM-LINS SWEET LOVING AFTER
MIDNIGHT.
Cause after midnight...we're gonna let it all hang out.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: At the end of
"Sid and Nancy," when they sing New York, New York.
Destinys2ndkid: They actually sing "My Way" at
the end of Sid and Nancy
Roxymoron87: Nope, going with New York New York
2) To Kill a
Mockingbird
(1962)
Scene: After taking up a lost cause in
defending a black man in a white South, the African-American men
and women sitting in the balcony of the courthouse stand up as
Atticus Finch leaves the room.
Significance: God, this scene is so moving
in context. The entire city is so wrong, it's such a mishandling
of justice, and to see how much respect is given to Atticus by
the black people in just that one gesture is amazing, in text or
on film. The whole movie is good, but the really small subtle
things make the most impact. It's not a matter of big drama.
People stand up and I bawl my eyes out. Humanity can be
incredible sometimes.
Relevance: It's hard to watch a scene like
this. My breath gets heavy and my eyes start to burn because I
don't want to close them. My lips get dry and I try to wet them,
but before I can remember which body function makes my mouth
close I start to shake and that's all I can do.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: The slow clap
when Angus bitches out Dawson at the prom, or whatever, from
Angus.
Destinys2ndkid: Is there even a slow clap in Angus?
Roxymoron87: I don't remember, probably.
Destinys2ndkid: I remember getting hot when Ariana
Richards would crawl around in Jurassic Park, and you could kinda
see down her shirt. When she was like fourteen.
Roxymoron87: It's okay, I get hot when Kevin Spacey and
Mena Suvari almost do it in American Beauty.
Destinys2ndkid: Should I make a "sorry wrong
window" joke here?
Roxymoron87: Nope, we're just creeps.
1) The Usual
Suspects (1995)
Scene: The real identity of Keyser Soze is
revealed.
Significance: The editing is what really
gets to me here. The Kevin Spacey voice over and flashback at the
end had my mind shattered the first time the movie ended, and it
still gives me goosebumps. The Usual Suspects is my favorite
movie, and still makes me mark out like a certain friend of mine
watching Ricky Steamboat elbow drop Ric Flair's knee sixteen
times in a row.
Relevance: Spacey's acting here deserves
two Oscars. It was the first time I ever said, "look at this
acting job." It totally changed the way I watch movies.
Comparable Bad Movie Scene: Figuring out
who the bad guy is in "Ghost Ship." You know it's him
from the first moment he shows up. He may as well have been a dog
with shifty eyes.
previous writer :: next writer
AGREE? DISAGREE? GREE? Tell us about it in the P-Boi Forums!
- Emily
[email protected]