Meet Pauline Severson, 70, mother of two and grandmother of two.
Just kidding! She's dead.
I was first introduced to Pauline a few years after her passing, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was at a sleepover at my cousins' house, and all the girls were watching some stupid girly shit. I was on the other side of the room, more focused on Battle Damage He-Man and Battle Indifference Sgt. Slaughter beating up a dinosaur. And possibly damaging it during a battle.
When Pauline and I crossed paths again, it was when my girlfriend found her hiding in a closet at her parents' house. Her eyes bugged out in excitement.
My girlfriend's, I mean. Pauline was dead. Backwards John Lennon told me so. Her spirit, however, lived on in a TV movie about ugly dolls who wish they were Cabbage Patch Kids so someone would like give enough of a shit to write a Wikipedia entry about them.
The underlying message of a movie called "The Hugga Bunch" was supposed to be that showing affection is important, so maybe your parents should stop worrying about affording their giant McMansion and touch you appropriately for a change. Women who grew up in The Internet's and Seth MacFarlane's Favorite Decade™ seem to have gotten the message, because they love this movie. Their faces light up and then they rush home and give it a 10 on IMDb, even though they remember roughly two things about it.
The message I took home after watching it was drastically different.
Girls learned: Hugging is fun! Everybody should hug more!
I learned: Your grandmother is going to die!
Pauline isn't hanging by a thread yet, but the years have certainly caught up with her. She can't get around as quickly as she used to, and she's starting to forget things, like how to work the telephone. Her daughter, a nurse, notices these signs and suggests that she ought to move into a retirement home.
Pauline's story isn't the one that leaves its imprint on the mind of a 7-year-old girl, though. The focus of the movie is on Pauline's granddaughter, Bridget, who hasn't quite picked up on what exactly is going on at her house.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 1:
The Hugga Bunch are descended from Italians.
All Bridget can work out is that "There's somethin' veeeery mystifyin' going on."
That's her first line, and then I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out where the hell she's from, because her accent is not quite southern, but not quite normal. My guess is that Bridget lives somewhere between Texas and Down syndrome.
She claims it started the day before, when her parents gave her and her brother presents for no special reason.
Bullshit. No 7-year-old questions why their parents got a surprise for them. Her older brother, Andrew, knows what's up. He gets some sort of book and respnods with the fakest "Oh, boy! Just what I always wanted!"
I've ever heard. Besides that one time my friend gave me the home version of Wheel of Fortune for my birthday. I oversold that one a little too much. I couldn't fit that shit into my Nintendo.
Bridget forgets about her line of questioning for a moment to embrace her new penguin friend, whom she immediately names "Sweet William." That is seriously the first name that comes to her for a penguin. Where the hell is this girl from? Between that, and the complete absense of any hint of a southern accent in every other family member, I think I've figured out what the very mystifying something is. Bridget, you're adopted.
"I think it has to do with grahams."
What? Aw, damn it. Did someone stick the mallow on the chocolate before roasting it first? I hate it when they
Oh.
Well, she's getting warmer. Bridget gets up and goes downstairs to try and figure out what's going on, and what Grams has to do with it.
But not before giving a good-bye hug to Sweet William and whatever the monkey's name is! I'll guess Blind Lemon Tuskagee.
What the hell was that?
Bridget hears giggling noises coming from her closet, but all that's there is the mirror. She yells into the mirror for anyone on the other side to wave at her if they're there, but then she gets called down to breakfast.
OH DEAR GOD, SHE MEANT WITH YOUR HAND
Bridget's Aunt Ruth is over, but she's too busy to reciprocate Bridget's hug. The grown-ups are talking about grown-up stuff, and if you really wanted to know, we could fill you in on all the bills and menopause you're going to half to deal with when you graduate to the big people table. Then you'd need an even bigger hug.
She tries to listen in, anyway. The gyst is that Aunt Ruth is trying to finalize paperwork to put Grams in a home, but Bridget's dad isn't convinced that it's a good idea. So while they run over to take a look at the place, Bridget pretends to continue making her breakfast.
Holy shit. A pancake sandwich with Corn Flakes, strawberries, a fried egg, bacon, maple syrup and peanut butter? Are you pregnant?
With the grown-ups gone, Bridget asks Andrew why everybody's been acting weird. Her wise, older brother explains everything to her in the most sensitive way he knows how:
"It's Grandma — they're putting her out to pasture, like a horse who's too old for anything."
Thanks, kid.
Bridget says it's not right, that their grandmother is part of the family, and should stay with the family.
"So send a telegram to your congressman!"
Andrew suggests.
Bridget is outraged. "This is a criseris!"
That is not a typo. Earlier she exclaimed to Sweet William, "Crimineeny."
It's a half-Texan, half-retarded euphemism for the Lord.
She runs off to find out the truth from her grandmother, but not before yelling at Andrew for not showing Grams any affection. "You don't love anybody but yourself and your dumb old computer!"
Oh, come on. You don't actually believe her, do you, kid? Ten-year-old boys are supposed to think physical affection is gross. Bridget is not a 10-year-old boy, so it doesn't compute in her little girl brain, and she spends the rest of the movie telling everyone that Andrew is dead set against hugging or touching or any human emotion. They could've just saved a lot of time and money by just ripping off the label from a videotape of G.I. Joe cartoons and writing WHY LITTLE BOYS DON'T LIKE HUGGING PEOPLE on it.
Wait, they already moved her into the attic of her own house? How more out of the way do they want her?
Grams explains to Bridget that she'll just be moving to a home where she'll have people her own age to talk to. Well gee, when she puts it like that, it doesn't sound like she's all that bummed out about it. Sounds like college for old people. I kind of want to go now.
"Besides, I'll be visiting all the time — Christmas and Easter, and 4th of July."
Ah yes, all the great holidays of Our Lord, Jesus Crimineeny.
"I don't want you visiting!"
Bridget exclaims. "I want you here forever and ever."
No you don't, kid. Look how old she looks now. I've never seen a grandmother as skinny as Bridget's. Have they been feeding her? Make her stay forever and ever, and she'll turn into one of those skeleton people from that banned Daft Punk video.
The reason Bridget doesn't want her grandmother to leave is that she's the only one left in the house who has time to hug. Crimineeny, kid. I've never met a woman in demand of the amount of affection you are. You're not even a latch key kid.
So Bridget determines that if her grandmother has to leave because she's old, then there must be a way to make her young again. She starts to explain this theory to her tea party guests, Sweet William, a giant fucking rabbit sitting on its hind legs named Emmaleane, and a monkey named Grabfabo, whom she yelled at for trying to steal a cookie.
"Where's your monkey manners?"
Usually, kids act out and yell at their animals or friends when their parents hit them, or are getting divorced or whatever. I don't know why they had to fill this minute.
The party has been held to welcome Sweet William, so everybody gives him a welcome hug, then she hears another noise from the mirror. This time, it was a whistle, and it just fit in well with the rest of the background music I've heard so far, I thought maybe she actually did snap this time.
Once again, the source of the noise appears to be the mirror, but now the mystery appendage is attached to a face.
Wait. Someone's head poking through a door? That must mean it's time for a
Moviefone Caption Contest!
HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! -boyfriend
See Bridget scared shitless in the background? She faintly calls for help. Sweet William could've barely heard her.
That green screen was as bad as it looks in this shot, and I swear to Crimineeny this thing got an Emmy for Outstanding Special Visual Effects.
The tiny stranger explains that her name is Huggins, and she is the leader of the Hugga Bunch, who live in Huggaland. Are you seeing a pattern here? You guessed it. Bridget has a stalker.
Huggins says she's been watching Bridget for a long time. Then she asks Bridget to sit up on the bed with her and OH YES OF COURSE YOU CAN.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 2:
Always mind your manners when meeting new people. Let strangers who say they've been watching you for a long time sit on the bed with you when they ask.
I don't know if it was intentional, or some kind of bug in the voice mechanism used to make Huggins talk, but whenever she does, there's some faint, whistle-like undertone to her voice that makes it sound like she swallowed R2-D2.
The reason Huggins came through Bridget's mirror is because Andrew never shows he loves anybody. So she took it upon herself to come and work her charm on him.
By "charm," of course, I mean "atomic leg drop."
Bridget is convinced that her brother is dead set on any sort of human contact, so she wants to see if Huggins can make any sort of difference.
Unfortunately, he's out at baseball practice, and our heroines are left alone with Andrew's "word processing junk." The Hugga Bunch movie has made it a point this whole time to emphasize that ANDREW'S HOBBY IS ELECTRONICS. Earlier he was seen wearing headphones and working on his computer.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 3:
Liking electronic things makes you a terrible person.
Are you reading this on a computer right now? Congratulations! You're going to hell.
Fortunately for Andrew's soul, what he lacks in ability expressing human emotion, he makes up elsewhere.
Such as baseball cap-owning! Andrew's collection is impressive, including the mid-'80s Mariners, the U.S. Olympic team, and the newly added expansion team Fort Bragg Army Guys.
Huggins chooses THE RED ONE as her team affiliation. "Red's my favorite color!" Later she grew up to be Alyssa Milano. Cheerin' on yer favorite base ball guy cause he's got a cute butt! Hopin' he smacks a touch down!
While Huggins makes sure she's prepared to join the crook hat club, Bridget wanders off and forgets about her. Huggins gets lost somewhere in the house, hears someone coming who may potentially not be Bridget, and decides the best plan of action is to hide.
Welp!
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Eventually the two are reuinted before Huggins has the chance to drown or be bought by a spoiled, rich white boy. As Bridget dries her up and recurls her hair, Grams peeks in. The best part is that the camera cuts away to her during one of Huggins' lines, and she just continues to walk past like nothing is unusual about a talking, 12-inch-tall person with pink hair.
Oh, and she's holding suitcases. Holy shit; that was quick. I didn't actually leave for college until about eight months after I signed those papers. Still, she tells Bridget she thinks it's best for her to move. Well, it sounds like she actually wants to go somewhere where no one will yell at her for trying to work a telephone and make some friends on the shuffleboard patio. Stop being so selfish and let her have some "me time."
No, instead of quitting being selfish and letting Grams have some "me time," she goes and explains to Huggins that Grams has to go live with strangers, because she's old, and repeats her wish to find a way to make her young again. Specifically, she uses the term "medicine." Only with her Texarded accent, it sounds like she thinks there's some fountain of youth in the capital of Wisconsin.
Huggins prescribes the best medicine she knows to make people feel younger again: HUGGING! But Bridget has taken a serious tone.
"That may work where you come from, but this is the Real World, where I live."
This terminology used to blow my mind when I was little. Why was the dimension I lived in the only "real" one, especially when all the others seemed to break free from various "laws" of physics and nature? Is it because our world is the only one without giant mushrooms? If you square a giant mushroom, you get -1.
In need of someone who knows everything to help find a miracle grow for aging, Huggins suggests visiting "the Book Worm," a wise sage who lives just beyond Huggaland.
That, of course, would involve going through the mirror. How to do that without cutting her open? Huggins explains they have to get the mirror "squishy" first. Guess how they do that.
OH HELL YES
The after-effects of hugging a Hugga in this movie are terrible chroma keyed fireworks. Called "hugworks," of course, because WILL YOU PLEASE HURRY UP AND PUT YOUR ARM AROUND SOMEONE ALREADY
Sure enough, the mirror begins to display squishier properties. Huggins explains the process:
"Mirrors soften up when folks hug. It's one of your basic, 'perplexiconic,' chemical miracles!"
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 4:
Hugging softens mirrors. This is because science!
Try it. Go home and give someone you love a great, big hug. Now run at a mirror.
See? It totally works. Go on. Do it. Don't be such a chicken.
Bridget loses a shoe in the mirror, but it doesn't matter because LOOK!
Everything is made of pillows! And I bet the water is actually Snuggle Brand Fabric Softener!
Hey look, Donny Osmond is here, too.
Actually, the name's Hugsy, and it looks like he just got back from a Chippendales gig. Or maybe it's just laundry day.
WHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Maybe that's why he asks Huggins for the Cardinals hat. To feel less naked.
"My goodness! There's more of you!"
Bridget exclaims at the discovery. Well two Huggas doesn't make for much of a "bunch." If Hugsy was one of the last two of her kind, she'd have more on her mind than flying elbow charming Andrew.
Huggins introduces Bridget to all her colleagues, making sure to announce everybody's name loudly and clearly.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 5:
Are you writing these names down oon your Christmas list or what? We didn't make all these extras because the movie needed to look more believable.
Minding her monkey manners, Bridget extends her hand to greet the Huggas, but you dumb broad. Brothers don't shake hands.
Brothers gotta hug!
She spends the next five minutes enunciating every AWW and MMM with each embrace. Hugsy explains that their species actually invented hugs before the world began.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 6:
Hugging was invented before dinosaurs and water.
Did hugging come before or after letting there be light? People liked to hug Jesus. Was He really a foot tall with skin made of plush?
Explaining her quest to keep her grandmother in her home without having to chop her up and keep her in the freezer, Hugsy offers to give Bridge a lift to the Book Worm in his Hug Wagon.
Which is parked on the other side of a field of sleeping babies.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 7:
It's OK to leave a baby outside, unattended, in the middle of a field. I mean, it is their nap time.
The movie detailing where all those babies came from can be found in a different type of store.
HINT: There is hugging involved. Sort of.
The Hug Wagon is a remarkable piece of machinery, self-propelled with no visible source of fuel, and padded with cushions. It's even equipped with a seat belt that resembles a pair of arms, giving the adorable illusion of — what else? — a German suplex.
To reach the Book Worm, they must scale a life-size mountain made out of giant books. Look at that shit. Grams is leaving at 4:30, Bridget. By the time you get to the top of that, it'll be about a quarter after February o'clock.
Or a 30-second cut scene. Disregard the Happy Valentine's Day, Your Grandmother's Dead! card I sent, Bridget.
The Book Worm immediately answers the door. Like he was waiting right behind it for a visitor. He sounds exactly like the Caterpillar from the Disney version of Alice In Wonderland. Which I just looked up, and it is the same guy, this being the last thing he ever did.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 8:
Your go-to voice of a scholarly invertebrate is going to die.
The Book Worm says if they want information, they have to go to the Information Window. Then he closes the door, opens it again, and puts a sign on the door that reads INFORMATION. The world of Huggaland sure is topsy-turvy!
WWHHHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When Bridget explains her dilemma, the Book Worm admits that he doesn't know much about growing old, as no one does it there. Huggaland is like —
like a giant Lazarus pit.
Oh. Oh GOD.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 9:
The Book Worm is Ra's al Ghul LOOK OUT BRIDGET
The hair is dead on and everything. And they had to climb that mountain, and — shit.
He pulls out his book on gerontology, which he just so happens to have right in front of him. A literal mountain of books, and the one on growing old — an alien phenomenon that does not even occur on his plane of existence — is the one sitting on the floor in front of him.
"Grandmothers" conveniently has its own entry, which states that the aging of them may be slowed down — and sometimes halted — by three factors:
- A great deal of affection.
HUGGING!
- An abundance of hugging.
More hugging! No way. My grandmother got the shit hugged out of her and she still died.
- The knowledge that they are needed.
Thanks, science! Clearly this book was published by the same book company behind Intelligent Design and You: 7th Grade Level.
Bridget reiterates the urgency of the situation. Grams is blowing the joint at 4:30! So she needs young Madison right now.
The Bookworm tries again, looking up "instant youth." It can be had by eating the fruit of the Youngberry Tree. The fruit must be taken from the tree, but it can never touch the ground, or it will disappear.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 10:
The floor is lava.
The catch is that the Youngberry Tree is the only one of its kind, and it grows in the Country of Shrugs. The Bookworm and Huggas gasp in terror at its very name. Oh no not a land mass named after a gesture of indifference!
Huggins explains that Shrugs is a scary place that is hard to get to, and ruled by the Mad Queen of Quartz.
What the hell's so terrifying about quartz? Is she married to the Clock King? Hurry up and tell us how to get to the tree, before Pauline dies of being crushed by Batman references.
For dramatic effect, the Queen of Quartz's castle (Qastle?) is only accessible through a path that originates from the last page of the last chapter of the giant book next to the Book Worm's window.
Which opens up to an old, dark, gaping hole! Actually, yeah, that looks exactly like the way to go to make an old woman feel young again.
The Book Worm doesn't help make that mental image go away by describing the journey as going "down to the Netherbottom, past the hairy Behemoth, across the Sea of Broken Glass." And no one to romantically kick it out of the way so Bridget doesn't walk on it.
The Netherbottom dumps out into a thick, bushy area. Oh, I see now.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 11:
Babies come from Huggaland.
Our born again heroes' vaginal adventures come to an end as they find themselves in front of a long "Side Walk." I use that in quotes, because
get it
Just a reminder: This movie WON AN EMMY in visual effects.
Oh. OK, well that shot is actually pretty nice.
Eventually, they reach a plaque in the ground that reads "GRAVITY CHANGES HERE." Huggins and Hugsy may be breakthrough affectionate gesture inventors, but they're lack of not knowing what things like "old" and "gravity" seem like they're trying too hard to sell their otherworldliness. Bridget explains it to them.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 12:
"Gravity means
AAAAAAAAHH!"
Don't worry. It wasn't a long fall. And they fell right in front the Hairy Behemoth, so everything's fine.
OH MY FUC
This is why boys aren't afraid of anything. Our evil beings were a robot who could turn into a gun, and an uptight snake-man who always covered his face. That's beans compared to an angry woolly mammoth with glowing red eyes, who can BREATHE FIRE and shoot steam out his TUSKS.
Hugsy isn't afraid, though. He just sees it as another animal, and animals need love just as much as we do. The hugworks start flying and
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 13:
Hugging someone trying to kill you with fire will make them stop.
Try it next time someone tries to mug you. He'll turn into Raggeddy Andy and treat you to a milk shake.
All the elephant can seem to remember is that his name is Hodge-Podge. Introductions are exchanged, and Hugsy points out, "I'm the guy who saved you!"
as if to say "Bitch don't I get a reward or some shit?"
Hugsy's reward is a free ride to the Castle Grayskull, adorned with such heartwarming messages as "ENTER UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH," and "SMALL PEOPLE WILL BE DIGESTED." Bridget better hope the Queen's not hard of hearing, or she's dinner.
Don't you miss pre-9/11 security? When you could keep your front door wide open and your Youngberry Tree right in the middle of the foyer, without ever questioning your safety? It was a much happier time, complete with the assurance that the we'd always be protected by Cavity Creeps carrying 4th of July sparklers.
Wait, what?
These are what Shrugs look like. They look evil, but they're prepared just in case a good time happens to be around to be had.
All the Shrugs really do is trap the gang in a corner, wave the sparklers at them and go ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE. Well come on, you guys. Why don't you just hug them so they turn into talking gumdrops?
Oh, shit! Shit you guys! We lost our evil queen of quartz costume! What are we going to do now? Hm, I know! Someone run over to Halloween Adventure and get an Evil Queen From Snow White costume. Hurry! What? What do you mean, they're not open in November? They sell swing sets the rest of the year? Well fuck.
Yeah, I feel you. I'd be pissed off too if Disney World said they wouldn't hire me because my head looked too much like Sam the Eagle in blackface trying to eat a baby.
Well, as long as you think you're hot, I guess.
Time isn't wasted in driving home the intended message of this scene. The monarch's name is Queen Admira; she gets goosebumps from looking at herself in the mirror; she admires Bridget's extremely youthful appearance, asking if she's had a facelift; and she owns the only Youngberry Tree known to exist.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 14:
Looking old is awesome. Wanting to look young makes you a terrible person.
Is that why preteen girls like to dress like they're 21-year-old hookers? LOOK WE ARE GROWN UPS
The Shrugs demand that Bridget kneel before Queen Admira, but she paid attention in social studies so piss off.
"I'm Bridget Seversens, and I'm an American citizen, and I don't have to kneel down to any ol' body! Excuse me, Your Majesty, but it's written in our Constitution."
Haha, "any ol' body." What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being from Texas. wait
Bridget explains that she wants to take some Youngberries to her grandmother, to keep her from having to move. The thought of sharing Youngberries makes the queen shriek with disgust. It's really terrible acting. Unless you're an Intro to Acting teacher at any theatre department ever. Then she's a fucking megastar.
It also makes her hungry. She unlocks the glass casing of the tree and helps herself to her daily therapy. Then she tells her reflection how much she wants to make out with it. The quick-thinking Bridget agrees, and compliments the Queen on her beauty in comparison to the wicked queens she was used to, all of whom had warts and wrinkles.
WARTS?! BITCH I WILL KILL YOU
With what? Your fire-breathing mammoth is now made of pillows and he just fainted.
ALL RIGHT FINE I'LL JUST FREEZE YOU IN TIME
The queen says Bridget should thank her. Now she won't have to worry about aging.
Then she locks the Huggas and the elephant up and leaves the key to the Youngberry Tree on the console.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 15:
It's OK to hang your key right next to the door if you're only running out for a little bit.
Hodge-Podge comes to in a dungeon cell with the Huggas, and after a series of him going "WHY ARE WE HERE? OH WE WANT TO GET OUT?" to illustrate that he is naive about the world around him because he had just recently become self-aware, Huggins tells him to use his noodle.
So he uses it to break out of the cell, and it's off to find Bridget.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 16:
Watching a 7-year-old try to stand still for more than five seconds is hilarious.
Believing all hope is lost, the two Huggas clutch their lost friend's legs and weep. They don't shed any visible tears, and the corner of their mouths are permanently turned upward to a smile, but they really bawl in mourning.
But apparently clutching someone's leg counts as hugging because holy shit Bridget comes back to life!
Hugsy is so excited you can actually see the human hand jammed up his ass, making him work. GOOD JOB HERE HAVE AN EMMY
Hodge-Podge helps Bridget fill the Queen's goblet — which she left next to the key, because come on, she was coming right back — and this all may seem very rushed to you, but that's pretty much how quickly everything just happened. The Huggas stand back and giggle or whatever and UH OH HERE COMES THE QUEEN, KING!
The Queen tries to close Bridget in with the tree's glass casing, but Bridget drops the key and runs for the door. She didn't even need to do an Indiana Jones roll out of there, but the Queen does if she wants her key.
Oh come on you can totally reach that. You're not even trying.
Bullshit your hand's not even stuck all the way.
Oh my God it's only been like 10 seconds. I can go more than a day without showering. Suck it up.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 17:
When you die of old age, you turn into a California Raisin.
When Hodge-Podge takes Bridget and the Huggas back to Huggaland, Bridget pretty much goes OK IT'S ALMOST 4:30 GOTTAGOBYE
Huggins and Hugsy escort her back to her mirror and
AAAAHH
AAAAHH
AAAAHH
AAAAHH
That is the best way to end it, ever. I thought Bridget was going to change her mind after meeting the queen, but this is hilarious. So Bridget and the Huggas are left alone with the cold, inevitable truth.
IMPORTANT LESSON LEARNED FROM THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE, No. 18:
Your grandmother is going to die.
I used to be very afraid of dying, of the absoluteness of it, but somewhere along the way, I got desensitized. Probably just from being a boy and watching cartoons shoot each other all the time.
I've never experienced a tragic loss in the family. One of my grandfathers had a heart attack when my mother was 10 years old, and my other grandfather fell down the stairs and never got back up when I was 7. I didn't know him well enough to miss him.
My grandmother, on the other hand, died when I was 24. I knew her well, and I miss having her around a little, but I don't think of her death as tragic. She was 86 years old, sharp as a tack until her last few days, and an optimistic Irish-Catholic. Girl had a good run. So I didn't feel too disheartened when I didn't cry at her funeral. I just didn't need to.
Not everybody, it seems, is fortunate enough to not be so accepting of their ultimate fate. The people we love are going to die, and any attempt to stop them is just going to make you trip up and fall into an even deeper depression. We're all going to die, and that's OK. Death is just part of life. Leaves die every year, and they look really pretty when they do that. People aren't quite as lucky, but a lot of times, their hearts are.
Bridget bits her Hugga friends a tearful good-bye and heads downstairs to spend her last precious moments with her grandmother as part of the household.
First, she meets Andrew in the hallway and gives him shit for being a boy and having hobbies. Fuck you for liking things that aren't embracing people!
Grams, on the other hand, seems to be looking very optimistic about the whole ordeal.
"Those older fogies over there better fasten their seat belts. This granny's gonna put some zing in their shuffleboard games!"
Seriously, why did they make this movie? She's not showing any signs of sadness about being shoved out of her house. She sounds like she's looking forward to it!
Regardless, Andrew finally realizes the reality of the situation and breaks down, begging Grams to stay. That makes Dad finally decide that Grams belongs home with her family. They want her there, no matter how bad she is at using a telephone.
The actress who played Pauline died a few months after the Hugga Bunch movie aired.
"Where the fuck is my hat, bitch?"
Everything you've just seen was faked. It's all bullshit.
AAAAAAHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
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