In October, I moved just south of the Orlando city limits. The move to Florida was quite possibly the biggest and best decision I have ever made. I managed to find a decent apartment close enough to all the theme parks without being too close to everything, and have since spent the last two months exploring my surroundings.

My girlfriend lives a slightly less ideal 35-minute drive south. Google Maps says 48 minutes, but Google Maps doesn't account for the fact that I learned to drive in New Jersey, where everybody drives like they're in a chase scene. Also, you can make a U-turn about every half mile on any road in Central Florida. Seriously. Roughly 90 percent of the roads I've driven on down here are divided by grassy medians that open up ridiculously often in case you missed the first 16 times to make that ubie. Maybe this is common everywhere except New Jersey. I didn't even know what the hell a left turn was until I lived with a guy in college who liked to watch NASCAR.

Regardless, the farther away I get from the brightly colored Frankenstein anomaly that is the Orlando tourist strip, the more it starts to sink in that I am, as far as I'm concerned, in "the South." South of the South, really, but it's when I get out into the less urban area of the state that I start to become more aware of signs that I'm not far at all from the fabled Bible Belt. I'm more like in the Bible Crotch.

Not that it's unwelcome, it's just that I'm not used to people saying grace aloud in public places like restaurants, or billboards with JESUS written down each side. The frequency of it almost seems to straddle the line between general praise and name-dropping. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Then there's this guy who lives in Karen's apartment complex, and — well, here, let me just show you.

 

 

I don't know what kind of glue he used to stick all that on there, or if there is no glue and his faith is holding all that stuff in place, but it is a mind-numbing testament to God's love for all His creatures. Even Bugs Bunny and dinosaurs! And is that Godzilla? Sure, whatever, God loves him, too.

Mostly I just see the car parked in a garage near Karen's apartment, but I've also seen him driving around my neck of the woods, near SeaWorld. Not the best daily commute, but not unreasonable, especially when I found out that the Jesus Christ, himself, dies for our sins on a daily basis, right here in Orlando!

Somebody made a theme park about God. What more appropriate way to spread the message of Christ in the tourism capital of the world than to build a mini Burning Busch Gardens of Gethsemani?

It turns out I passed the back of Holy Land Experience every day on the highway on my way to work, but the buildings, resembling structures from first-century Jerusalem, didn't stick out to me, because there is no such thing as a normal-looking building in Orlando.

Curiosity got the best of me, so on a day off in the middle of the week, just weeks before Christmas, I took a mini pilgrimage.

The Holy Land Experience struck me as more of a large tourist trap than a full blown theme park. It was a lot smaller than I envisioned. I'm pretty sure I could circle the entire park, without stopping at attractions, in five minutes. Probably less. I had the image of a multi-land, biblical Magic Kingdom pictured in my head — with a roller coaster that dashes through the parted Red Sea and up Mount Sinai, perhaps — but my dream of a world in which baptism by water slide exists was not meant to be. The park had a lot less rides than expected. There were only zero.

The first thing the giggly young blonde who took my ticket at the gate told me was "Watch out for Roman soldiers!" I get excited, thinking some guy dressed like a centurion was going to come heckle me or test my faith, or playfully be "mean" to young children.

Here's what she meant:

Oh shit look out you guys!

At first glance I thought, maybe it was one of those painted guys who can stand very still and only move when you walk by, or only sing "Rubber Duckie" when your roommate is in the other room. No, the girl at the gate was just trying to help me paint the picture that I have magically traveled to first-century Jerusalem by convicing me that I should fear for my safety. Maybe her dreams of becoming a true "cast member" will finally be realized this year!

At first I thought that having a theme park about God immediately open up to a marketplace was a little off, but in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. The architects wanted us to come face to face with our sins of greed and pride as soon as we walked in, and then pass them by before we could see the rest of the Lord's kingdom.

I'm not sure whether I got there early in the day, or it was just mostly dead on a Thursday, but these two merchants in ancient Jewish garments imported all the way from Michael's on Kirkman Road were the only non-visitor bustle in the whole marketplace. Just talking amongst themselves. What do you want, a show? This isn't an amusement park, man. It's ancient Jerusalem. Roman soldiers might see them.

Also the one on the right is wearing glasses. What the hell, guy? You're ruining the illusion.

It's almost Christmas, so background instrumentals of familiar carols fill the air. Only they use flutes and hand drums because YOU ARE IN THE PAST. I didn't want to shop until I was ready to leave, so it looked like the action was around the corner. That's where I found the first thing I saw that resembled an actual attraction.

Sweet. Could it be a visually stunning show about the Israelites' journey through the desert? A reading from the book of Desmond Dekker.

Nope. It was a visual presentation of the construction of the portable holy tent they kept the Ark of the Covenant in while everybody walked around in a circle for 40 years.

We were told not to take "photographs of any kind," and since I'm lousy at being sneaky and my camera is kind of huge as far as modern digital cameras go, I obeyed like a good sheep. It looks like every other Christian with an Internet connection heeded the warning of "Thou shalt not flash photograph," because the tent behind my photo seems to be the only visual proof besides a map that the building this is in is real. But hey, blessed are those who believe having not seen, right?

You need help picturing it? Here.

Now imagine it's in a dark theatre with a tent around it. The bits of gold and wood construction of the tent seem to be either painted or, or projected from a spotlight. It's like I'm actually there!

The whole presentation is narrated by a deep-voiced man who insists his name is not important, but he describes the regular routine of Aaron as a priest entering the tabernacle. In preparing for offering God a sacrifice, a scruffy-bearded Aaron pours a jug into a basin and washes his hands. One of the things I remember most about this show was that there was no actual water used in this scene. They built this huge replica of an ancient tabernacle, complete with animal skins for the roof, probably made of cattle from the herd I've seen on the way to Karen's, because a cow standing under a palm tree is one of the most fucked up things I've seen down here — but they can't put some water in a jug and make the show at least a little believable?

I know. Maybe Aaron was the first mime! This theory is further supported when Aaron drags out an INVISIBLE SHEEP to slaughter with an equally insivible knife. How difficult is it to get a real or animatronic sheep out on stage for like five seconds, move it behind the tent or something and pretend to sacrifice it? Maybe there was a sheep. Maybe I'm experiencing a lack of faith, and only when I willingly fling a spoon at the guy sitting next to me who looks like Rufio will I see that the lifestock was right in front of my face all along.

There was actually quite a large Filipino crowd at the park, which I thought would attract more Protestants than Catholics, but what do I know? I can't even see Aaron's sheep.

The show concludes with Aaron making a sacrifice inside the tent, the walls of which become sheer for us to see him prepare the ritual. Smoke rises from inside the Ark, followed by a flash of lightning. I wish my handwriting could do that.

Then He-whose-name-is-not-important ponders if this journey through the desert is part of a greater plan. He goes on I WONDER-ing for about a minute and a half as a wink-wink foreshadowing that ultimately ends in a projection of a Nativity scene on the "night sky" that is the wall behind the tabernacle. The complete lack of subtlety made me half expect the Imperial March to start playing. "Hi! Did you know that Jesus? I just can't help getting the feeling that something's going to happen a thousand years after I'm dead!"

Directly across from the Wilderness Tabernacle was an under-construction area for the kids.

Wait, Holy Land folks gotta work on Christmas? Who's going to go there on Christmas? Besides maybe a few heathens out taking a break from all that gay sex they're having.

Also under construction was a place guests can go to ask God to make Marcia ugly.

I apparently didn't pick such a great time to visit the Holy Land Experience. I was told that Jesus would be out roaming the park, healing blind people, teaching Centurions the power of God's love, and even getting crucified in the middle of the park, but doy it's December he hasn't been born yet. So no Jesus shows. I was left to walk around and look at stuff.

Other places were under renovation, too, like this Theatre of Life, which

See I told you there was a lamb here all along! It's a virtual reality lamb!

The thing about all this renovation was that no one seemed to be around to stop someone from just walking past that rope and having a look around.

That open door only led to a small foyer and another set of locked doors, but no one remotely around to peek over at me and go "Hey," or at least ask if I'm lost?

Hello?

Anybody?

Look you guys I'm about to touch some stuff behind ropes? Hello? Well shit, it's not even fun anymore.

Not even anyone around to guard the tomb of Jesus. No wonder he got out so easily.

This is apparently where they stage the crucifixion every day that is not in December. I guess they give the actor who plays the Lord a whole month off every year. The least they can do for paying him to hang on a cross every afternoon under the hot Florida sun.

Even the inside of the tomb is roped off, but again, nobody is fucking here.

Welp, forgive us our trespasses.

Love the addition of the massage table. Being dead for two days has got to leave a man achy.

Later I found out that the area in and around the tomb is also designated for quiet reflection, in case you were having trouble praying at home and didn't mind coughing up $35 for better scenery. There's even a small pond behind the tomb, called the Reflecting Pool, that literally spells out the message of hope for all of

Wait, what's that behind the hedges?

A Nativity scene for Christmas, of course! But set directly behind some hedges trimmed to say "HE IS RISEN"?

O H   S H I T   T I M E   L O O P

 

Hi! I'm wildlife cinematographer Mike Fireball. Join me in my quest track down & photograph the uber-rare & majestic Admiral Bird! Our journey begins by putting the target in question on

 

I don't know what the hell just happened, but I'm getting hungry. I wonder what sort of ancient, traditional period foods I can get for lunch.

Pretzels! Ouch, I don't think the body of Christ can bend that way, you guys! Got anything else?

get it

Oh come on Elisha's Bruschetta doesn't rhyme. Though it'd be funny to watch people try and order it.

"Shalom, fellow sinner! What can I get you?"
"Hi! I'll have the, um, Elisha's Brulisha."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"The Elsheetta's Babrushka."
"lol what"
"That! I want that thing right there!"
"Which thing?"
"Just give me the fucking bread. Jesus."
"No my name's Jacob! (whispers) Not born yet. (wink!)"

To my disappointment, they do not serve "Jesus Juice." Aw wait. I didn't see "specialty drinks" up there. What do they give you bottled water and then when you start drinking it, surprise! It's wine. Ooh, Blood of Christ, aged 2,000 years. Does it come in white?

Hahaha, never have I seen a turkey leg look so holy. See, political vegans? The HAND OF GOD is holding a dead turkey's leg. It's really OK.

Trivial Pursuit once told my girlfriend they serve milk and honey ice cream. Either the girlfriend or the board game was lying, because the closest thing they had to anything biblically significant was mint chocolate chip, which is salvation in frozen dairy form.

Sigh. OK, God. I'll stop calling it "water ice."

Oh hey, I found where all the water is. Go tell Aaron it's over here. If he just stars doing that trapped in a box thing again, remind him he HAS AN INVISIBLE KNIFE.

Sorry, looks like they only serve Pepsi products here.

Behind the café sits the Great Temple, complete with faithful replicas of the plastic folding chairs of the day. Also it has CHRISTM A S   W R E A T H S no shut up we're not doing that again.

Once again, no staff even remotely around what seems to be the Holy Land Experience's signature structure. Are they all huddled in a room, watching us on cameras, trying to pick out which ones need saving?

Look they even left their props on stage. And that scroll? Blank. Acting is serious business, people. You think this is some college show? You memorize your lines or you can go the h-e-double-hockey-sticks home.

Oh, come on. Stop hogging all the water, café. It's one thing about Aaron. He's a mime, but these guys at least have visible props.

Around the corner from the temple is a very non-ancient-looking-at-all auditorium.

Well I did drive myself here. Does that count?

As soon as I walked inside, my eyes were treated to a giant model of Jerusalem as it was in the year 66, but I couldn't tell whether this model was before or after the clones started killing all the Jedis. I didn't see any dead bodies or lightsabers.

Oh come on the park's not that big.

Seoul: 34 mi, 54 km, thirsting for the living God. (M.A.S.H. 3:16)

The actual auditorium was holding a show that said fuck the natural flow of time, we're going to dress up like Christmas carolers from 19th-century England and sing a capella. Singing only songs referring to the birth of Christ, of course. Which is most of them, but I was really hoping they'd do the one about the Grinch.

Also,

Upside-down Christmas trees? What madness is this? Do you guys have Santa Claus crucified in the back?

No. I checked. Didn't see him.

Did see Barry White, though.

Oh, I get it. "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" is a Christmas song! Because Jesus is a baby!

Dark Wood Jesus is on sale at the Shofar Auditorium's gift shop, and can be yours for like $500 or something, but it was far from the most impressive item in the shop.

They sell frankincense and myrrh in a fucking bottle! Now you can truly go to church on Sunday smelling like a gift to the Lord.

Is having an orgasm while washing your hair considered adultry? Worry no more, children of God. Shower time can be a much more saintlike experience with Myrrhbal Essences!

One of them is seriously "It's only a theory." Sorry, everyone. It looks like Pokémon was full of shit this whole time.

Oh I finally found where all the staff was. They're all hanging out at the entrance the only area left in the park that was open and finished. Only at the entrance, though.

Haha have they ever needed to even use that?

The Scriptorium is 50-minute, self-guided tour, meaning the staff walks in with you, explains the deal, then leaves and LOCKS YOU INSIDE. Maybe not "locks." There are plenty of exits through the walking tour, but even Disney either puts you in a moving vehicle, or hangs out in the back. The Holy Land Experience is very trusting that its patrons will be on their best behavior, especially for being in the same state as the Don't Tase Me Bro guy.

Again, I was asked not to take photos, and my first and last attempt to disobey resulted in every other guest on the tour looking at me like "What the hell is your problem," and I'm sorry if it disappoints you, but I'd rather compromise my investigative journalistic integrity than to deal with that shit for another 49 minutes.

I didn't really need to take photos anyway, because the entire tour through the Scriptorium can be summed up as LOOK AT ALL THESE OLD BIBLES!

It's a biblical history museum, starting in ancient Mesopotamia, which is lit up with blacklights and looks more like a future city Diddy Kong would race through, and then going LOOK AT ALL THESE OLD BIBLES through several rooms of scrolls and books in glass cases, with the rooms built to resemble Aramaic temples, midieval monasteries, English jail cells and a rickety Mayflower overlooking a snowy Plymouth Rock. The final room was a circle of covered paintings, unveiled one at a time to reveal a different biblical figure reciting one of his or her own quotes, starting chronologically with Moses, confusing everybody with Ezra, because his curtain was broken and open when we walked in, and ending with an imprisoned Paul before our attention is turned to the ceiling. There, a spotlight was cast on a giant set of tablets as God writes the Ten Commandments on them in LASERS. Oh and then a cross hangs right above it. The end. Hope you aren't wheelchair-bound, because between the rather high for someone sitting down glass cases, and the whole show on the ceiling at the end, you're pretty much screwed.

If I really wanted, I could skip the recorded narration in each room and walk through a bunch of pitch black rooms to the exit in like two minutes, tops, taking photos of my flash reflecting off a glass case in the dark with maybe a hint that there was a book there. Or I could buy a $25 DVD of the tour. Nuts to that. LOOK AT ALL THESE OLD BIBLES is good enough for me, and it's good enough for you, too.

 

Having seen everything in the entire fucking park, because nobody wants to see Jesus get beaten to death or have adventures during his 30s right before his birthday, I started to head back to the front gate, but not before stopping in the all-important Holy Land Experience Gift Shop!

lol

Whoops wrong park!

Hey, here's Aaron! I was going to tell him that I found out where all the water went, but he was busy teaching a new friend how to toot her own horn.

Much of the store was full of toys for the kids, like Roman swords and shields. Way to set a good example to your children. Kids, I told you to play Persecute the Christian outside!

Jesus: the Gathering? Seriously, I'm asking. I don't know anything about tabletop role-playing games, because I just liked baseball and women letting me touch them too much.

Peace be with you, fellow sinners! Remember when bands like Geoff Moore and the Distance, dc Talk and Towhead brought devil music into the light of Christ? BibleQuest has done the very same with tabletop card games of the occult. Encourage your child to introduce his friends in the D&D club to the promise of salvation!

But that's not all!

BibleQuest even sells action figures! Press a button on Jesus' magical loaf and watch it "split" into many pieces!

I took a picture of Dan'l because the mental image of a 4-year-old born again Christian boy going "RARR I'M GONNA EAT YOU! / NUH-UH, GOD WILL SAVE ME!" is the funniest thing I thought about all day.

Oh hey, great way to sell the Goliath figure. Put a picture of him when he's DEAD on it. Instead of him in action, looking mean and towering over our hero, David. Yeah, we know what happens, but at least encourage the kids to put on a show. You're not even trying.

Holy shit that key has a hidden Mickey on it.

Action figures for the girls included Esther and Mary, but Mary didn't even have any magic birth-giving action so whatever.

And of course, holy incense sticks for the high-on-life flower grandchild in your family. But even these paled in comparison to a keepsake combining the rich, Hebrew heritage of the time of Jesus Christ, with our rich, Christian heritage as Floridians living south of the South.

Tune in this Lent, when the elusive, invisible Fetus Jesus grows up to be a bloody corpse, and I try to pass myself off as a 10-year-old to go play in whatever kiddie area they have, probably also unsupervised. Mommy's meditating go play in the lions' den!