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Hi! I'm wildlife cinematographer Mike Fireball.
Join me in my quest track down & photograph the uber-rare &
majestic Admiral Bird! Our journey begins by putting the target
in question on a fake G.I. Joe file card.
Like all great children's television series,
the tale of how Pinwheel came to be is sort of almost completely
nothing like the story of the Oregon Trail.
TV's Joey Tribbiani's General Store: Independence,
Missouri
 "Hello,
I'm Matt. So, you're going to find the Admiral Bird."
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If you watched Nickelodeon at all in the early
'80s, you had to have seen Pinwheel. It was the network's very first
show, & since it didn't have a lot of others, they'd just run
Pinwheel in five hour blocks at a time. Then a Sports Cartoon with
hippos & cats. Then five more hours of Pinwheel. Then repeat.
Then buy the rights to You Can't Do That On Television. Hey Alasdair!
Yes, Moose? How's aboot we throw in some more Pinwheel? Gee, I don't
know!
Wait... start over.
Hi! I'm wildlife cinematographer Mike Fireball.
Join me in my quest track down & photograph the uber-rare &
majestic Admiral Bird! Our journey begins at the spot where the
Admiral Bird was last seen... the Pinwheel House. Let's interrogate
some of the locals.
 |
SMITTY: "Oh, a fellow photographer,
are ya? I've been trying for years to get a picture of that
pesky Admiral Bird for a big scoop in the Daily Noodle. I
could have retired 15 years ago! Everybody else in the Pinwheel
House says they've seen him, but I'm starting to think they're
just saying that in an attempt to make me go senile. Hah!
The joke's on them! I've been senile for years. Would a sane
man call his newspaper the Daily Noodle?" |
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SILAS: "As a snail, I carry
my house on my back. Wait, what was that, sonny? Oh, you're
looking for the Admiral Bird? I haven't seen him around, on
account of being on my way to the Annual Snail Convention.
You see, I'm not there yet because as a snail, I am very slow.
And I carry my house on my back! Hey, if you want, I can check
to see if maybe he got lost somewhere in there. My house,
I mean. Which I carry on my back."
"No, don't see any Admiral Birds in
here. I'd invite you in for a drink, but this isn't like a
normal house. You see, I'm a snail..." |
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EBENEEZER SQUINT: "NO I WONT
HELP YOU FIND YOUR STUPID BIRD BECAUSE I AM EBENEEZER SQUINT
AND THE ENTIRE BASIS OF MY CHARACTER IS THAT IM SUPPOSED TO
BE MEAN AND ROTTEN!! SEE I HAVE GREEN SKIN THAT IS SUPPOSED
TO INDICATE THAT I AM MEAN AND ROTTEN AND LIVE IN A DARK,
DREARY PLACE LIKE THIS CAVE TRASH CAN BASEMENT
OF THE PINWHEEL HOUSE WITH MY DOG MAX ELEPHANT FLUFFY
WEED GARDEN!! |
BENEFIT ENROLLMENT
Your acceptance into Club Progressive Boink allows you to enjoy
such perks as the misuse of various website in-jokes, such as in
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Wow, he sure is grouchy for a guy with a weed
garden. More like Ebeneezer My Eyes Are Half Shut From Smoking
The Contents Of My Weed Garden, am I right?
 |
JAKE: "The best way to find
the Admiral Bird is to listen for his call. I think I have
it in one of my Sound Boxes! Let's try clicking on some..."
 Nope.
 Nope.
 Nope.
 THERE
THAT'S IT!
|
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LUIGI O'BRIEN: "Look-a here,
kid. Imma shoot-a straight witch-you, because I like-a you,
kid. Imma completely Italian stereotype with-a the Irish-a
last-a name, capiche? All Imma really good at is for to jumping
the highest & to carting around these-a talking vegetables.
Why don'tch-you ask-a them about your birdie thing?"
   "Nope.
Haven't seen him."
|
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COCO: "
" |
 |
AURELIA: "Can I help you? I'm
sorry, but all the rooms are rented out already."
No, Aurelia. I actually wanted to avoid coming
up here, because frankly, you scare the living crap out of
me. But I'm not getting much help from your tenants, &
I couldn't think of anything funny to write about your niece,
Kim, that didn't
consist entirely of an Asian joke. How are you two related
again? Actually, don't answer that. I don't want to think
about anybody who looks even remotely like you having sex.
The point is, she sent me up here to your fortune telling
room to see if you could tell me where I can find the frigging
Admiral Bird.
AURELIA: "... Alright, then.
Gaze into my crystal ball... hmm... interesting... veeeery
intersting."
What? What's interesting? Share with the
rest of the class.
AURELIA: "It says that the Admiral
Bird can be found in Opposite City!"
Opposite City... where's that?
AURELIA: "My crystal ball is
a direct phone line to Opposite City, a place where everything
is opposite of what it should be! Neat, huh?"
So then that means the Admiral Bird CANNOT
be found in Opposite City. Great. Thanks for the case-cracker,
Miss Cleo. I'm out of here.
THE POWER OF DARKNESS COMPELS YOU!
AHHHHH!!1... wait, isn't it supposed to be
the power of CHRIST compels you? You can't just change it
like that!
AURELIA: "Hey, if God gave YOU
a Gonzo-like cheese curl for a nose, would you use his kid's
power to compel people?"
Probably not, but you replaced it with that
evil bag of stuff from My Little Pony that got beat by a rainbow.
That's a pretty lame scare tactic.
AURELIA: "You watched My Little
Pony? Pansy."
I... but... wait... dude, that hurt. |
 |
SAL: "I'll let you in on a
little secret... part of the reason why Smitty has never found
the Admiral Bird is because he's never left the property.
I'm not saying the bird's not here, but Smitty just circles
around the frigging house with his magnifying glass, hoping
it'll turn up." |
By golly, I think the old broad is onto something! Friends, the
time has come to broaden our horizons, & explore the outside
world. So... um, where should we start? How about Houston?
And now it's time for... ADVENTUUUUURES IN OUTEEERRRRR SPAAAAAACE!
(ECHO echo echo)
Today's exciting story...
PLUS! GOES! TO THE MOON!
PLUS: "Finally, my big day! Today,
I will make it to the moon! No distractions, this time. This time,
I'm going to kick that football get in that rocket &
fly off into..."
MINUS: "Hey Plus! This guy's looking
for the Admiral Bird! Have you seen him around here?"
PLUS: "The Admiral Bird?! Is he in
trouble or something?"
No, I just want to find the thing. Also, would
you mind explaining to me why your brother, here, has white hair
& pink skin?
PLUS: "It was from when the cars had
smashed soooo haaaard."
... Mm-hmm.
MINUS: "No, Mmm Mmm!"
Right. Now about that Admiral Bird.
PLUS: "We usually see him around the
Pinwheel House. Did you try there?"
Yeah. No dice. So I figured I'd check around some
other places.
MINUS: "Other... places??"
PLUS: "You... you're blowing my mind,
guy."
Yeah, I mean... think about it. He's a bird. Birds
fly all over the place. The Pinwheel House is a pretty small area,
especially if you can fly. So the chances are pretty good that maybe,
just maybe, he might be hanging out somewhere else.
PLUS: "Hey, yeah... he could be over
in Hattytown, or in the Land of Chalk Drawings, or..."
MINUS: "Or the moon! Maybe he's on
the moon, Plus! You should try checking th--"
PLUS: "......... Son of a bitch."
Well, heheh, I guess I'll be off, then. Thanks
for your help, guys!
MIKE ran all the way to Charlie's Climbing
Tree...
Hey guy, I hate to interrupt your nap, but I was
wondering if you've seen a bird with an admiral's hat around here.
You see, I... how are you lying on the very top of that tree?
CHARLIE: "It's a cartoon tree. Cartoonists
can't be bothered drawing details like leaves & branches, so
I'm basically lying on top of a giant piece of broccoli."
Dare I ask about what appear to be Jnco's you've
had since you were a foot shorter?
CHARLIE: "No, there aren't any birds
in my pants... WITH HATS ON! I MEANT NO BIRDS WITH HATS ON! PLEASE
DO NOT ASSUME THAT I WAS HINTING AT A LACK OF SEX ORGANS!"
That guy won't talk. Let's check around Emily's
place.
 |
EMILY: "What the hell?"
No, not you... you see, there's this cartoon...
on Pinwheel... you remember Pinwheel?
EMILY: "Look, just because we
let you in, doesn't mean you can just go around..." |
"Oh."
 |
Hey, Emily. I was wondering if you've seen
a bird wearing a
STEPHEN: "I'm Stephen, you idiot!"
Oh... oh man, I'm sorry. It's just that...
STEPHEN: "Are you calling me
a sissy girl man? Where do you get off?"
No... it's just... your hair... & I thought...
STEPHEN: "Oh, don't even! You
had the same
exact hairstyle in 2002!"
|
 |
EMILY: "Hey guys what's going on?"
STEPHEN: "This idiot thought I was you!"
EMILY: "Well look at your hair, dude."
STEPHEN: "Beats looking like Hello Kitty in a
granny hood got her mouth burned off." |
Let's post more screenshots of Pinwheel shorts
& discuss them comically, shall we?
This is Hattytown, where all the people live in hats.
THIS IS THE UNCLEVERLY NAMED HATTYTOWN, WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE ARE
ANTHROPOMORPHIC TALKING HATS, WHO LIVE IN EVEN BIGGER, NON-TALKING
HATS WITH WINDOWS & DOORS. THEY HAVE A MAYOR AND A KING WHAT
IS UP WITH THAT GUYS??
This is a third screenshot of the animated short Hattytown, featuring
Sancho, a talking sombrero with a British accent. And this is Carrots,
who is Sancho's "very special friend."
You. Donkey. I'm looking for a bird wearing an
admiral's hat. This looks like the kind of place he'd hang out.
Have you seen anything like that around here?
CARROTS: "Are you kidding? The only
reason I stick around here is because the Mexican guy thinks I'm
some kind of walking birth defect, so he feels sorry for me &
gives me free rent. That's why he calls me his "very special
friend." He thinks I'm retarded. But oh man, if a bird came
through here, I think everybody's heads would explode. Hats, I mean."
BILL COSBY: "If you wanna find the
Admiral Bird, you just take your Mortimer Ichabod marker & draw
a line over to it. And maybe if you'd stop embracing this outlaw
culture wit' the nonsense words. YOU-BUH HEAR-BUH ME-BUH KIDS-BUH?!
HICKEY-BURRRR!"
Draw a line over to... that's it! I know how I
can find the Admiral Bird! We must hop over the fence into the Land
of Chalk Drawings!
"Well you know my name is Simon, & I like to do draw-rings..."
WRONG!
"The cartoon Simon In The Land Of Chalk Drawings"
CORRECT!
Simon, get the ladder. I need the things I draw to come true, post
haste.
SIMON: "Alright, alright. Don't get your panties in
a bunch."
SIMON: "Now what's this all about?"
I've been looking everywhere for this Admiral Bird, & I couldn't
find the stupid thing. Then I figured, hey, why don't I just get
Simon to draw it & make it come to life? You game, little buddy?
SIMON: "Oh, you just want me to draw
a bird? I can do that... there. It's a pretty little bird."
No no, this one was wearing an Admiral's hat. Here,
just give me the chalk...
HENRY: "Hey guy, what's your friend
doing?"
SIMON: "He says he's drawing some sort
of bird."
HENRY: ".......... That's a bird?"
There! That's what the Admiral Bird looks like.
Now how do I make it come to life?
SIMON: "Just... um, give it a few second,
I guess. I think I'm going to go, now. I'm not sure if I want to
be around when that thing comes alive."
Oh, this thing's harmless. I just want to...
AHH THERE IT GOES! QUICK GET A CAMERA!!
Well, mission accomplished. Now that I've fulfilled
my lifelong mission to photograph such a rare & beautiful creature,
it's time to leave our fond memories of the Admiral Bird & the
Pinwheel House behind. Spin me good morning, spin me good riddance,
Time Of Your Life in parentheses. |
