When you ask somebody what the
best fight scene they've ever seen in a movie is, they'll usually bring up a great one
they've seen recently or a really strong memory from childhood with the longevity to stand
out today. There's a lot to a fight scene. Keep in mind while reading this list that I've
done my best to take into consideration every possible kind of fan and fight, ranging from
the 1920s to today and covering everything from Hong Kong to the Depression.
What I've tried to accomplish is to create a solid, objective list
of the greatest fight scenes in movie history. Doing that means weighing skill against
emotion, historical importance against cultural significance, and on and on. By no means
are the numbers here meant to represent absolutes. These scenes mean different things to
different people. If you agree or disagree with the selections or the order, speak up.
Talk about it. Because the best thing any of these increasingly numerous popular culture
lists can do is get people talking, and arguing, and watching more movies.
I wouldn't be doing this list if I didn't love movies. Or watching
people hurt each other.
Enjoy.
-B
[email protected]
Chaney vs. Jim Henry, "Hard
Times" (1975)
"He really cleaned your clock, didn't
he?"
I wanted to start the list off with something
strong, and what sets things stronger than a man who makes off-screen guns fire every time
he lands a punch? Charles Bronson is rarely appreciated by any generation. He didn't get
the Hollywood marquee treatment until he was into his late forties. My generation (from
1980 until about 1987, when everyone was born emo) only knows him as the mustachioed old
man trying to keep Ben Gay from falling out of his vagina in goatshit like "KINJITE:
FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS." Or, more honestly, from any time he was mentioned on
"The Simpsons."
But right there in the middle, around 1975, Bronson's weathered, Carlos Colon foreheaded
face sat atop a body carved out of marble that seemed to make a WOO-POW noise every time
he moved. His best film is "Hard Times," a depression era New Orleans
bare-knuckle boxing classic where Chuck comes across and absolutely dismantles his
increasingly ominous opponents. While the climactic final showdown plays like Bill and Ted
had a project about New Orleans and/or karate and accidentally stranded Woo-ping in the
30s bayou, it's the fight against a balding, grinning Jim Henry (Robert Tessier, the tough
henchman from every 80s action show you can possibly remember) that stands out in my mind
as the best.
Later in the film, Bronson goes over to Emmett's Fix-It Shop. To fix Emmett.
Bikers vs. Zombies, "Dawn of the
Dead" (1978)
"Say goodbye, creep!"
Let's get one thing straight: Making zombies faster
does not make zombies better. Yes, they are slow moving. Yes, you can probably run past
them and they'd barely notice. Bringing Flo-Jo back to life and having her dead-sprint her
big zombie ass at full speed toward the survivors does the opposite of what a true, great
zombie movie does: It places the fear on the "scary monster" instead of where it
belongs, in the hearts and minds of the human beings who have no idea what is going on and
are about to lose their shit. If your zombie can time travel on a treadmill the basic
human truth that men faced with danger are sons of bitches who will inevitably get
everyone killed is replaced with the more meandering, middle-of-the-road philosophy of
universal human superiority. I don't know about you, but "We can do this! We can kill
the zombies!" has never been 1/100000th as scary as "we are boned."
So how do you bring some levity to a great zombie movie? You have an arrogant biker gang
show up and start screwing around. The bikers don't think the zombies are a threat,
either. Zombies are slow! They just stand there and let me machete their face in half.
There is even a pie fight. But like those very pies the meringue clears and the chance for
survival bell curve starts to fall and all we're left with is a shitload of zombies and
some dead motorcycle raiders with giant chunks of their everything missing. The truth is
once again proven; we are boned, even when things are going well.
One of these days I'm going to get around to doing that "Day of the Dead" remake
where Sarah Polley does gymnastics to defeat the zombie/dinosaur hybrid.
Jem and Scout Finch vs. Bob Ewell,
"To Kill a Mockingbird" (1962)
"There's a lot of ugly things in this world,
son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible."
Hey look, I finally compiled a list about movies where
someone or something from "To Kill a Mockingbird" wasn't in the top three.
Greatest fight scenes forty-seven through forty are all from "The Goonies."
A lot of Progressive Boink's readers have children, so I can't imagine much more
frightening than knowing your kids might be assaulted whenever you aren't right there
beside them. Jem and Scout are walking home through the woods from the school play when
they hear tree branches rustling, the wind blowing, and leaves crunching beneath
footsteps. In an instant Scout is knocked the ground and her brother is attacked and she
can't help, because she is trapped in a costume made to look like a big ham.
It's always been an underrated, Daliesque surrealist moment to me. You're about to be
hurt, maybe die, and you can't do anything to prevent it. That's the adrenaline you get
from a fight. That's the same fear you fear when your dreams find you in a pipe closed off
on both ends, or trapped underground in absolute darkness. The terror and the variability
of the unknown definitely makes this a memorable fight, and unlike Mockingbird precedent
no chiffarobes were busted up during its filming.
El Santo vs. The Zombies, "Santo
Contra Los Zombies" (1961)
"He's not only a wrestler, he's kind of a
crime fighter!"
In this film, Santo up up down down left right left
right B A the zombies.
Three zombies, controlled by a hooded figure via radio, break into a jewelry store, knock
out the watchman (who shoots one of them in the forehead with no effect), and use a
strange device (shaped like a crowbar) to burn open the safe. As they leave with their
booty, agents of the security service, responding to the alarm, try to stop them but are
easily subdued. Police inspector Almada has a hard time believing the men's story, so he
calls Jack Bauer SANTO, Mexican professional wrestling legend, to ask for
help.
Watching Santo (a shirtless Hispanic man in silver tights) wage war with zombies (guys
dressed like Peter Pan, I'm not kidding) by clumsily shove each other around while Santo
tries not to trip and fall over on his cape isn't exactly thrill-a-minute. However, one
moment in particular warrants a spot on the list and any other list attempting to judge
the objective worth of God's creations...
Santo kicks one of the zombies in the balls. It's supposed to be his "belt," but
it's his balls. The zombie goes haywire and Santo stands there with his eyes bulged out
and his mouth wide open. Like, "Wow, I didn't expect him to react like that to a
boot to the dick!"
Porco vs. Donald Curtis, "Porco
Rosso" (1992)
"That pig won't shoot."
A deal is struck. There will be a fight the next day
between Curtis and Porco. If Curtis wins, he can marry Fio, Porco's 17-year old assistant
and friend. If Porco wins, Curtis will pay all of Porco’s debts.
I have the inability to make a list and not include Studio Ghibli on it, somewhere. I'm
not going to lie and say I wouldn't try to find a place for Totoro even if I was compiling
the "100 Greatest Stars of Black Cinema." Mei Kusakabe would be right there
between Cicely Tyson and Ron O'Neal. That being said, the fight in Porco Rosso is one of
the most creative, endearing, and ridiculous fights I've ever seen.
It starts out as a dogfight. Donald Curtis fires wildly, showboating. Porco won't fire at
all, waiting for the perfect shot at Curtis' engine. By the time he gets it he realizes
his gun has jammed, and Curtis is out of ammo completely. So they land the planes and duke
it out in a boxing match for endurance waist-deep in the Adriatic Sea. The women and
purposes for the fight left far behind, the two men pound purple wounds into their faces
out of nothing much more than macho posturing and greed.
Like all great fights the duel ends with the kiss of a girl, a newfound mutual respect,
and an anthropomorphic pig man answering a ten count from underwater.
Leroy Green vs. Sho'nuff, "Berry
Gordy's The Last Dragon" (1985)
"I AM the Shogun of Harlem!"
Young kung-fu master Leroy Green (or "Bruce
Leroy") faces a lot of obstacles in his life: coping with being a virgin, learning
how to act more "black," and seeking his inner self by obtaining "THE
GLOW," a mystical martial arts energy that has something to do with Mountain Fiji
giving the big splash to Matilda The Hun.
Leroy (or "Blackie Chan," or sometimes Benny "The Jet Magazine"
Urquidez) eats popcorn with chopsticks but doesn't even come within a half-dozen universes
of being the best part about "The Last Dragon." That honor goes to Sho'nuff, the
bad guy so over the top and cheesy that he would have no trouble annihilating the entire
state of Wisconsin in arm wrestling. "Catches bullets with his teeth? Nigga
please." Sho'nuff sure enough steals every scene he's in and all the scenes from
the six movies you watch afterwards, including my favorite moment when Sho issues the most
nonsensical, bad ass threat ever: "You just get that sucker to the designated
place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass... for
dismemberment!"
As you can see from the picture, Leroy finds The Glow and triumphs, putting him in an
elite kung-fu class alongside Jesus Christ, pregnant women, and 80s toy phenomenon the
Glow Worm.
Legolas vs. An Oliphant, "The Lord
of the Rings: The Return of the King" (2003)
"What about side by side with a
friend?"
I'm still not sure how Legolas got through three,
three-hour movies filled with constant impending doom without ever mussing his hairdo. But
he does, and his shining moment comes in "The Return of the King," unless you're
the type of person who considers skateboarding down a flight of steps on a shield to be a
shining moment.
Aragorn is always doing that same mannerism where he opens his mouth really wide, brings
his sword back as far as it will go, and brings it crashing across. He does it when he's
cutting the crust off of bread. And then ghost pirates from beyond swoop in and give him
mustard, or whatever. Frodo and Sam are bumbling gaily across rocksides and Gimil only
shows up to make a short joke and fall over. So it's Legolas' job to thin out the enemy
ranks by standing on something and shooting arrows at people from six miles away so that
when they finally show up it's just some guys in cake makeup going "roar" and
collapsing. Yeah, I'm starting to remember The Lord of the Rings as more of a Benny Hill
skit than it was.
To the uninitiated (cool people), an Oliphant is a creature created completely unlike an
elephant in all ways from the mind of good ol' J.R.R. Tolkein. The Oliphant walks onto
screen with about, oh, a dozen or so guys riding. Legolas runs up to this giant, fuck-off
beast and uses his bow and arrows to scale it, kill everyone riding, slide down onto its
head and murder death kill it with an arrowhead to the skull. HE KILLS AN AT-AT WALKER
ELEPHANT AND EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH A BOW AND ARROW. IN LIKE 20 SECONDS.
Orlando Bloom can be seen this Fall in Cameron Crowe's "Elizabethtown." The
Oliphant can be seen regularly on HBO's "Deadwood."
Ripley vs. Queen Alien,
"Aliens" (1986)
"Get away from her, you bitch!"
After the evens of the first movie, Sigourney
Weaver's character Ripley was, believe it or not, suspended in a deep, animated sleep and
stayed there for almost half a century, a feeling you at home can recreate by watching
Cartoon Network's "Codename: Kids Next Door." She discovers that the planet
where the aliens were first discovered has now been colonized by humans and SPACE MARINES,
who differ from regular marines because they are in space and usually only yell COME
OOOOOOOON at the infinite darkness.
After contact with the colony is lost, Ripley finds herself on the planet with only Big
Joe®, the loading device from your local Best Buy store, to help her destroy the
creatures once and for all. To do so she properly straps herself in to the safety harness,
checks to make sure the aisle is clear, loudly exclaims "going up!" and then
drives Joe directly into the Queen Alien's face. Observing CARE PLUS Ripley can now ask
lifestyle questions to learn what the Queen Alien is looking for before having her face
melting by acid.
I gotta tell you, sometimes sci-fi lets me down. It deals so heavily in variables and the
suspension of disbelief that I have a hard time keeping myself in the story and taking
things at face value. But you know what? If I had to face off against a giant hissing
devil alien the first thing I'd ask is "where is my robot suit."
Frank Dux vs. Chong Li,
"Bloodsport" (1988)
"SAY IT~! SAYYYYYYYYYYIT!"
When I was nine years old I already wanted to see
Jean Claude Van Damme slow-motion jumping spin-kick anything that moved. Old ladies,
lawnmowers, the air. When I didn't understand anything about honor, history, or technique
I thought JVD was the coolest human being on the planet. Oh the Berlin Wall came down
that's nice LOOK HE'S DOING A SPLIT BETWEEN TWO CHAIRS.
On top of that, the first time I watched Bloodsport I was sitting in my living room floor
eating Spaghetti-Os with my Dad. Chong Li (played by adolescent mens tie Bolo Yeung)
spends the whole movie decimating people. You'll get an antsy forgettable guy in blue
hammer pants throwing roundhouses and Chong Li just steps in and palm strikes his face
into Hell. He starts smirking and clapping for himself and I'm loving it. And then out of
nowhere he's fighting a guy and KRACKOW he's kicked the guy's leg in half. Bone and
cartilage all sticking out. And I'm nine and eating spaghetti. I almost barfed until I
died.
Chong Li is unstoppable and Jean Claude is the only man who can stop him. Chong Li even
beat Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds' ass! Now my favorite person on the planet is going to
slow-motion jumping spin-kick him repeatedly (and on the replay) until my lunch is
avenged. The fight has blood, wistful flashbacks, throwing salt in the eyes, fighting
while blind, and Van Damage's crazy Brazilian monkey eyes. SAY ITTTTTTTTTTT
*staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare*
Billy Lo vs. Hakim, "Game of
Death" (1978)
"Let it go. What must be done is being
done."
BLUE PEG: Game over, Carl
Miller!
"The Game of Death" was supposed to be
Bruce Lee's crowning career achievement, but he didn't live long enough to see it
finished. He wanted to show gratitude to his former students and instructors by including
them in the film. Dan Inosanto was his Filipino-style opponent. Taky Kimura was to have
been his praying mantis opponent but was unable to attend. Kenta Kobashi was supposed to
be his strong style opponent and Carson would cover his personal style. Basketball star
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would (seriously) be his unknown style opponent.
BECAUSE HE WAS KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR. What's his style supposed to be, the fucking hook
shot? Is he going to elbow Bill Walton in the armpit and make him fall on Lee? But here he
was, the ultimate little cap on Bruce Lee's pointed example of how to adapt. That's what
Jeet Kune Do was all about, being relaxed like a babbling stream or beating down hard,
like a waterfall. And I guess when Kareem leaves a footprint the size of Maryland on your
chest it's about putting that water in buckets and beating him in the face with it.
This fight specifically isn't remarkable unless you take into consideration the fights
that go along with it. Lee's ability to take on any situation with grace and respect was
one of the things that made him such an undeniable legend. He shows up a few more times so
I won't dwell here, but yeah, I made sure to include the picture so you people who don't
watch movies made before 1994 can recognize where the Bride got her House of Blue Leaves
motorcycle jumpsuit.
Or where Kawada gets his Hustle ring clothes.
Ting on fire vs. Anyone within a 20 foot
radius, "Ong-bak: Muay Thai Warrior" (2003)
"Come on! Fuck Muay Thai!"
In ten years when Tony Jaa has taken over the world
and is making the most breathtaking, intelligent action films we've ever seen he'll have
more spots on the list than this, and higher ones at that. As of this afternoon I've never
seen anyone quite like him. He jumps higher than he should. He doesn't do the Jackie Chan
run-up-the-wall bit, he actually RUNS up the ENTIRE WALL. And as a followup to Bruce Lee's
lessons on adaptation, Jaa adapts to every opponent by running at them and kneeing them
out of a window and following them out with more knees as they fall.
However, Tony Jaa is eleven years old and the movies he is in are made by elephants and
chimpanzees. They could just go to Circuit City and buy a digital camcorder for 400 bucks
and tape him running down the street knee-lifting bystanders and it would have a better
plot and more realistic acting. But I'm not stupid. I can't see Jaa have his legs catch
fire and decide to go around kneeing people with his flaming legs before trying to put
them out and not give it a spot on the list.
In his next movie he jumps off of a building and knees a guy who is hanging from a
helicopter. I'm not kidding. We should put him in a circus cannon and try to fire him at
God.
Narrator vs. Angel Face, "Fight
Club" (1999)
commentary provided by Justin
"I felt like destroying something
beautiful."
The tough part about doing a list like this is
trying to remain completely objective while not detaching ourselves from the source
material to the point where the scenes we've picked hold no personal relevance. That being
said, it's almost impossible to compile this sort of thing without including Fight Club.
While the obvious choice would be to go with the scene in which the narrator beats himself
six ways to silly in front of his boss, it's become a tired cliche amongst frat house
shitheads who think they've stumbled down a cinematic rabbit hole because through
deductive reasoning they've managed to piece together the fact that "dude, they're
like the same person!!!" While it is a good scene in it's own right, there isn't much
more to it than what's presented on the surface.
Instead, the scene we've chosen is where the movie finally manages to come full-circle.
The narrator's complete detachment from reality is exposed and for the first time we're
able to view him as more than a victim to Tyler's follies.
I guess what makes this scene so great as it is isn't so much the fight in itself, but the
motive behind it. The narrator, already feeling as if mainstream society has cast him
aside, is gradually coming to realize he's also being slighted from the reality he's
created for himself. Tyler Durden, having assumed a de facto paternal role, has taken a
shining to one of Project Mayhem's arrogant young upstarts; a brash young stud dubbed
Angel Face The narrator sees this budding closeness as a threat to his own relationship
with Tyler. So, given a tangible outlet upon which to unleash his pent up frustration, he
wreaks the sort of havoc unto Angel Face that he wishes he could bestow upon anyone else
he feels has ever cast him aside. Of course, being Tyler Durden as he is, he's basically
destroying this kid for no reason other than he's taken a liking to him.
Now, I don't think I've got to point out the fact that is tantamount to punching your
girlfriend in the trachea in response to her taking your dick out of her mouth for a
moment in order to ask you how you'd like your steak cooked that evening. Sure, you and I
wouldn't see it as being a practical response, but then again, you and I haven't ever
thrown ourselves through a glass shelving unit.
Tommy Lee vs. Dae Han, "Best of the
Best" (1989)
"To save a life in defeat is to earn
victory and honour within."
When he was a child, (Rocker) Tommy Lee lost a
brother and a cone of ice cream to Korean Tai Kwan Do champion Dae Han. Since then Dae Han
has won every national tournament held and Tommy has trained vigilantly to take a spot on
the U.S. National Team and exact his revenge. Tommy gains the ability to murder if he
turns his foot sideways before kicking. I don't know how it works. But he knocked the
hippie kid on his ass with it, so I'm going to guess it would remove Dae Han's throat and
throw it through a brick wall.
I love the entire Korea vs. United States championships (since they're the only two teams
competing?) largely because Sonny and Virgil (aka the two characters with the least amount
of personable character growth) get crushed by the Koreans and it's up to a sassy cowboy,
a concerned single-father, and an Asian guy to bring home the Gold. And what better
American idealism is there than having to pick up the slack of everyone around you only to
realize that unless you're a complete jerk everything is going to turn out wrong?
"Best of the Best" is my all-time favorite 80s feel-good martial arts film,
besting Bloodsport with its sincerity and lack of bare Van Damme butt into bikini briefs.
It's still the only movie of its kind to make me cry that "Field of Dreams" cry
of appreciated masculinity. If you haven't seen it I suggest you rent it (it was just
released on DVD) so that when you pass me on the street I can yell POP IT TOMMY GOD DAMMIT
I SAID POP IT POP AAAAAAH at you and have you know what I'm talking about and not punch
me. Unless of course you're into breakdancing. Then it works either way.
Zombie vs. Shark, "Zombi 2"
(1979)
"Brains?" Roar, maybe?
Does a shark roar?
Sometimes Fulci just took the camera and put it in
the woman's vagina. I'm sure of it. A naked scuba diver (a "boob-a diver") is
scared by a shark, so she swims into an underwater cave. In the cave she is scared by an
underwater zombie. So then the zombie comes across the shark and wants to eat it. This all
makes perfect sense, right?
Zombie (a man wearing weighted shoes and makeup) battling a shark (with no teeth, on some
kind of drugs) isn't the catch-as-catch-can match-up you'd imagine it to be because it was
the seventies on a very low budget in Italy and was A ZOMBIE FIGHTING A SHARK. But
anything this ridiculous and retardedly brilliant deserves more infamy than it gets. Would
you go to see a movie if you heard Dracula fought a grizzly bear in it? Of course you
would.
Ash vs. Ash's Hand, "Evil Dead
2" (1987)
"Gimme back my hand... GIMME BACK MY HAND!
"
Complete objectivity, especially on the Internet,
means including Bruce Campbell. And Bruce Campbell is at his Bruce Campbellian best
when battling his own possessed hand. Chris Pettazonni, who helped me pen the Seven Hill City screenplay, was
particularly moved:
Evil Dead 2 taught me that movies could be out
of their fucking minds while they were being serious. There's a billion other movies that
could have taught me that, but I was 8, and this was the first one to fall into my lap. It
defied all convention for me, and took humor that I loved to a new height. I'd loved
watching horror movies that couldn't help but be bad, but this was the first one I saw
that COULD have helped it, but didn't. Why? Because they liked what I liked.
This barely nudged out "Devon Sawa vs. His
Hand" from "Idle Hands" for a spot on the list. Nah, I'm just
kidding. I never even seen that asshole before.
Bob Barker vs. Happy Gilmore,
"Happy Gilmore" (1998)
commentary provided by Justin
"The Price is Wrong, bitch."
After a day of shoddy golf and constant bickering,
Bob Barker punches Adam Sandler in the mouth and calls him a bitch. Fight scenes don't get
much more overt than this. In fact, one could go so far as to say any given Adam Sandler
movie could be classified as the film most devoid of subtext in the history of cinema. And
while I wouldn't normally try and contest such a claim, there seems to be something more
going on in this scene. It could be the ferocity with which Bob Barker lands blow upon
forcible blow, or maybe it's the way Adam Sandler's eyes express a sense of fear and
terror that he himself could never hope to emote externally. Either way, there's something
about this fight that's never sat quite right with me and I think I've figured out what
that is.
I've got a running theory that this isn't so much a profile of Bob Barker the actor as it
is Bob Barker the person. I refuse to believe that there aren't days when Bob Barker
dreads having to get out of bed in the morning and deal with the lowest common denominator
who routinely populate his studio audience. You can just see the torment in his eyes every
time an overweight housewife lumbers onstage shrieking like a banshee, fucks up even the
most rudimentary of pricing games, and insists upon planting her greasy lipstick against
his weather-worn skin before being ushered back to her seat with an autographed 8x11 and a
gift certificate to Sizzler. I guarantee there are times during the commercial breaks when
he gazes wistfully up at the announcer's booth wondering why God, in all his infinite
wisdom, decided to accept Rod Roddy into His kingdom instead of him. When given the chance
to finally let loose and act upon impulse, Barker undergoes a metamorphasis not unlike
that one uncle we all have who seems like a really cool guy when he's around the family,
but once you're alone he touches me in places so inappropriate no amount of therapy or
alcohol can properly repress the memories.
Or, you know, it's just Bob Barker punching Adam Sandler in the face. Either way, really.
Kaneda vs. Tetsuo, "Akira"
(1988)
"TETSUOOOOOOOO"
I want this list to be objective but I don't want to
take the same cop-outs you see on every other "best fight scenes" list online.
People are always chiming in with video games ("the time Rodney and I had an awesome
game of Tetris") or television shows ("WELL METHINKS THE FIGHTS ON HERCULES THE
LEGENDARY JOURNEYS WERE BEST"). Anime is a touchy subject. I'm very loyal to Studio
Ghibli but I know that there is an entire, broad spectrum of animation that I don't
necessary like or appreciate, and I also know that most of the world doesn't appreciate
either. It's JAPANIMATION, or as I like to call it, JANIMATIONPAN.
Before Sailor Moon, before Pokémon, before Princess Mononoke and Cowboy Bebop it was
"Akira" that we all associated with anime. I saw Akira before I saw anything
Miyazaki had ever done. I imagine most people did. Now kids are growing up in a saturated
market where every cartoon about a sexy French maid with guns for hands gets their DVDs
stocked at the mall and hardly know what it's like to wake up one day and know, finally,
that there was something different.
The Tetsuo and Kaneda battle has guns, motorcycles, the voice actor who did Leonardo on
the old Ninja Turtles cartoon, and a progression of plot that leads one character to be
engulfed and suffocated by the body of another. And then there is some philosophy. But
whether we understood it or not we'd never forget it, and I'm not about to deny that here.
Yu Shu Lien vs. Jen Yu, "Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (2000)
"Without Green Destiny, you are
nothing!"
When I was compiling my initial
list of candidates for the list, my girlfriend suggested, "Why not more
girlfights?" What am I supposed to put on here? Joan Collins falling into a swimming
pool? Lindsay Lohan and Rachael McAdams fighting in "Mean Girls?" If I worked
for E! Entertainment Television and was compiling a list of the 50 Sexiest Sexy Sexes that
Ever Sexed Out of Control I'd put Lindsay Lohan on the list, but since I've got enough
artistic integrity to not go to bed wanting to eat off my own face I decided against it.
Michelle Yeoh most definitely deserves to be represented on the list
for just about everything she's been in that Pierce Brosnan wasn't. Zhang Ziyi deserves a
spot on the list in case she ever gets into Internet journalism and is looking for a man
who appreciates her. "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is full of the
overly-dramatic cello wire-fu that sometimes get a bad rap, obsessed more with visuals and
textures than realism and action. It's true. Crouching Tiger has people fighting on
swaying tree branches and Chow Yun Fat standing sternly so we don't start asking him about
his kung-fu. This fight has some Jack Evans-like unnecessary backflipping but between
weapon switches adds the severity and emotion you expect from two aggressive women going
at it. They switch off between swords, axes, and karate bazookas but the true fight is in
their eyes. It's intense before they ever start swinging. They ain't even gotta touch or
nothin'. It ain't like I like chick on chick a somethin!
As a personal message to Ziyi Zhang, my interests include long walks
on the beach, puppies, and women who can make their leg stick straight up in the air.
Private Mellish vs. German Foot Soldier,
"Saving Private Ryan" (1998)
commentary provided by Jon
"Nononowait.wait.pleaseplease--"
Best fight scene? I certainly couldn't give a scene
that impacted me so negatively a "best anything". But there's no doubt that it's
among the very most intense on this entire list.
Corporal Upham, the soldier we can most relate to
throughout this 170-minute gauntlet of death, destruction and trauma, is "Johnny on
the Spot". He is to run ammunition to those who need it. He's supposed to be up there
in the second floor of the bombed-out building, dropping off ammo. He isn't. He is
sitting, ammunition draped around his neck, sobbing on the staircase. Thirty feet away,
Sergeant Hill is furiously gasping for his dying breaths and Private Mellish desperately
claws for life against his attacker. The German foot soldier gains the upper hand, and
slowly turns Mellish's knife against him toward his chest. And suddenly, we're gasping for
air too. We can't breathe. We can't do anything but watch. Mellish knows what is coming,
and fruitlessly, madly, he begs to live.
It reminds me of a dream I've had several times: I'm
sitting in the road, and a truck is coming my way. It's in slow motion, and I have plenty
of time to get up, but I can't. I'm too weak. My body feels like it's made of lead. It's a
moment that either replays over and over, or is so slow I can't stand it.
Moments later, it's finished. The German slowly
walks down the creaky staircase, merely stepping around the hopeless Private Upham. And
when I think about it, I realize that it's this micro-catharsis that gives the scene its
terrifying power. In a scene, and a film, full of hardened military men who killed without
blinking, never owned a television, and are now mostly in their graves, this is a person
in which we can see ourselves. When you can make that sort of a connection with the
character, you might as well be in the story yourself. Well, we were there, and it was
terrible.
Thomas vs. Thug, "Wheels on
Meals" (1984)
**that noise Charlie Brown makes when he falls
off the pitchers mound**
Benny "The Jet"
Urquidez was a kickboxer with a 58-0 record who was almost fired from the movie for
kicking people too hard. Jackie Chan can kick your body into the shape of a space shuttle
and ladder you into the sun. What managed to happen on the unbelievably badly titled
"Wheels on Meals" was the meeting of a man with talent and not a lot of exposure
and a man with talent and the wrong kind. So instead of Benny pushing Jackie into a golf
cart and having slapstick Home Alone-style black ninja fights they got together and just
fucked each other up.
I have to stress this: The fight in this movie looks like they're
REALLY kicking the crap out of each other. Jackie doesn't somersault into a recliner here.
He barely dodges kicks long enough to catch an elbow to the middle of his face. For
anybody who can't UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUTTA MY MOUTH and thinks of Jackie
Chan in his current novelty old man shenanigans routine, try to find him before he was
surgically attached to Owen Wilson's mumble comedy nose and watch this. You'll appreciate
him more as a martial artist and if you time it right you'll get great mental imagery of
Benny the Jet kneesmashing Owen Wilson until butterscotch drains out of his ears.
one time i accidentally left my cheeseburger combos in the parking
lot and that was wheels on meals
Wong Fei-hung vs. Iron Robe Yim,
"Once Upon a Time in China" (1991)
"No matter how good our kung-fu is, it will
never defeat guns."
Woo-ping has got to be the most
interesting guy. When someone like you or I are going through our day to day activities we
think about family, our love lives, memories, and what we're going to do next. Woo-ping
wakes up in the morning and says "I wonder how I can balance two guys on a ladder
long enough for them to have a kung-fu fight." That's exactly what he does in
"Once Upon a Time in China," stage the greatest ladder fight in cinema history.
And I'm a fan of professional wrestling, so I know how far a ladder can creatively go.
The bad thing about Jet Li climbing and falling back and forth
across a room that could not possibly hold more ladders is that the coolness factor gets
turned up so high, and everyone who gets put in charge of an action sequence elsewhere
goes OH and does something similar. You may remember this fight from "Once Upon a
Time in China" as the very dimly lit as-to-not-see-the-Chinese-guys conclusion to
"The Musketeer," the summer blockbuster that pushed Mena Suvari from ingenue
back down to "guest star on HBO drama." Or maybe you're like the guy who cops
out on lists and loved Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. That means you probably also like
Xena Warrior Princess and will remember this fight from "Once Upon a Time in
China" as a shot-for-shot re-do featuring Xena and Callisto fighting on ladders. It
all comes down to what kind of nerd you are: Hong Kong nerd, SCI-fi fantasy nerd, or
whatever kind of psychopath you have to be to enjoy "The Musketeer."
Jet Li's ass is about as bad as a badass can be, but we should get
together and petition him to never speak again. He doesn't have that Bruce Lee WATAAH
Elmer Fudd dynamic going on, he just usually just sounds like he wants to kiss me.
Biff Tannen vs. George McFly, "Back
to the Future" (1985)
commentary provided by Justin
"Hey, you! Get your damn hands off
her!"
In order to create an effective underdog, we've got
to be able to sympathize with the character's plight. Without a compelling drive to
overcome the challenges laid before them, there's no reason to want to see then succeed.
Unfortunately, George McFly fails to achieve this on even the most basic of levels. He's
no more than the catalyst to Marty's conception, and lacking no motivation or will of his
own I'm left with no reason to invest any more emotion into him than I would the flux
capacitor If he had his way, he'd still be masturbating in a tree during the middle of the
fucking day. He's got no interest in working towards improving his social stature and
winning his dream girl's heart. And yeah, he saves Lorraine from being raped and abused
which is the noble course of action, but up until that point in the movie there's no
evidence suggesting he's somehow developed any sort of basic survivalist acumen. I mean,
Ryu didn't just know how to shoot fire out of his palms overnight, did he?
And to be fair, it's not as if convincing me that what I'm watching in a movie is entirely
plausible is a difficult thing to do. As a general rule I'm more than capable of
suspending disbelief and accepting what I'm seeing as an actual event happening in some
alternate reality. I've watched movies in which a snowboarder grinds a moving helicopter
rotor blade, causing the helicopter to explode, and have thought nothing of it. I think
Back to the Future is where I draw the line though. In the real world George McFly has as
good a chance against Biff as Zach Gowan did against Brock Lesnar. Every time I watch the
movie I still hold out hope that Biff's going to catch McFly's fist in mid-swing and F-5
him onto the hood of a car. I can almost imagine Michael Cole damning Biff to Hell while
Tazz draws some nonsensical correlation between wrestling and some totally mundane task
such as chopping firewood or building a fort.
If I ever see Crispin Glover in a restaurant I'm going to sock him in the jaw. Biff still
owes him one, dammit.
Spider-Man vs. Doctor Octopus,
"Spider-Man 2" (2004)
"He's... just a kid. No older than my
son."
I promised Matt from X-Entertainment that I wouldn't make this one
three times longer than the others. *deep breath*
Spider-Man was the most important thing to me as a child. More than
wrestling, more than my parents, more than my own life. I've written about it on a couple
of occasions but I can't stress enough how "amazing" it was to see a Spider-Man
movie, finally, on the big screen. I forgive the first movie all of its faults. The Green
Goblin looks like a Power Rangers villain. Organic webshooters. The complete axing of Gwen
Stacy and the amalgamation of all kinds of Spider-Man history. For once I didn't care. I
get pissed when I see Batman kill somebody in a Batman movie. I'm bothered by Superman
having to be a sexy teen. But Spider-Man, as long as he's in the costume and swinging
around, will now and always make me two years old and clapping happily.
The second Spider-Man movie came around and I got "the train
sequence." I call it that because it transcends movies for me. I can hardly think of
it as a part of THAT movie, even though it's easily the best part. Spider-Man and Doctor
Octopus are fighting on a moving train. They fight clung to the side and go in and out of
windows. They tear apart the buildings they pass and the train itself. And then there's
this one moment of absolute Brandon bliss where Spidey is knocked from the train. He
struggles to catch up but as he does, Doc Ock throws passengers (and I guess Mama) from
the train. Spider-Man swings to catch them, throws them, and then catches them again in
webbing in the sidewalk lamp posts. I've been waiting for that forever. No, forever. My
heart stopped beating in my chest because it had gotten me where I needed to go. I
couldn't breathe. I watched a director, actor, and crew who knew exactly what Spider-Man
was about and wanted to give that to me.
Spider-Man saves the train. I'm in tears. The passengers know that
Sam Raimi feels Spider-Man on his insides and they are appreciative. In and out of the
movie. And that "cheesy" show of affection breaks my heart in two and webs it
back together, because I know that once and for all my hero exists, and he's out there
somewhere doing it all for me. It's the best superhero fight ever captured on film in the
best superhero movie I can imagine, and my definitive and completely unofficial subjective
number one.
The Black Pirate vs. Pirate Captain,
"The Black Pirate" (1926)
There was a day, before
overwhelming special effects took over, in which the fight scenes were not created with
computer animation, props, or make-up, but after careful choreography, countless hours of
rehearsals, and magnificent acting, all of which enhanced by direction, music, and various
other elements. Particularly magnificent -- and this represented the highlight of several
period pieces -- were duels. And there was a day, before Johnny Depp took over, in which
pirates were not created by eyeliner and a celebrity impression. One of them was Geena
Davis. Moving on.
Douglas Fairbanks made a lot of movies with great duels, but one of
his very best is the dagger and rapier fight between the Pirate Captain (Anders Randolph)
and the Black Pirate (Willie Stargell). A lot of what Fairbanks does is ridiculously
exaggerated and about two steps away from being Sloth smashing the Fratellis together
because they're both holding a rope, but the guy had a lot of skill and you just can't
ignore it. Especially in the "I like to sing-a" era where most fight scenes
consisted of Buster Keaton kicking the side of a locomotive too hard and selling it for 20
minutes.
The Good vs. The Bad vs. The Ugly,
"The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" (1966)
commentary provided by "Ask Eli Wallach's" p. holby
Next, 25-1.
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