When you ask somebody what the
best fight scene they've ever seen in a movie is, they'll usually bring up a great one
they've seen recently or a really strong memory from childhood with the longevity to stand
out today. There's a lot to a fight scene. Keep in mind while reading this list that I've
done my best to take into consideration every possible kind of fan and fight, ranging from
the 1920s to today and covering everything from Hong Kong to the Depression.
What I've tried to accomplish is to create a solid, objective list
of the greatest fight scenes in movie history. Doing that means weighing skill against
emotion, historical importance against cultural significance, and on and on. By no means
are the numbers here meant to represent absolutes. These scenes mean different things to
different people. If you agree or disagree with the selections or the order, speak up.
Talk about it. Because the best thing any of these increasingly numerous popular culture
lists can do is get people talking, and arguing, and watching more movies.
I wouldn't be doing this list if I didn't love movies. Or watching
people hurt each other.
Enjoy.
-B
[email protected]
Last week, 50-26.
Freddy Krueger vs. Jason Voorhees,
"Freddy vs. Jason" (2003)
commentary provided by Matt of X-Entertainment
"NOT MY ARM!"
Fans of the "slasher" genre love pitting
their beloved icons against each others in imaginary death battles. Could Pinhead take
down Michael Myers? And how would Leatherface fare against Chucky? Course, battles like
those serve purely as the undercard for the granddaddy slasher match-up of 'em all: Freddy
Krueger versus Jason Voorhees.
It'd been discussed and debated forever, or more truthfully, since Freddy's debut in the
original "A Nightmare On Elm Street" (1984). Jason had been around for a few
years by then, but was only coming into his own just as Freddy burst on the scene. Machete
against claw, mask versus fedora, we absolutely needed to know who would come out on top.
Though the seeds of this inevitable showdown were firmly planted in "Jason Goes To
Hell" (1993), it wouldn't be for another decade that our darkest prayers were finally
answered.
"Freddy vs. Jason", a film that isn't near as bad as it's made out to be, had
Krueger reviving the fallen re-re as a mere pawn in his grand plot to return to his past
gory glory. Unable to control Jason, Freddy gets annoyed, and with the help of some nosy
kids who figure out a really lame way to drag Freddy out of his parallel dream universe
and into our own, the scary behemoths finally have their big CG-enhanced showdown.
Okay, I suppose it was a little anticlimactic. Thing of it is, Jason's at his best when
literally killing his adversary -- and he can't just waltz over and outright kill Freddy
Krueger. And Freddy? He's at his best when scaring his adversaries, and Jason...he don't
get scared, not ever. The end result essentially amounted to a mere boxing match, albeit
with some cooler bits thrown in. (Freddy launching oxygen tanks at Jason, for instance,
rated 10 on the neato scale.) In the end, for about every reason you could think of, there
was no clear winner. Both characters "died," and both characters lived. Did that
make me pissy? Hell no. If you've seen films from either icon's series, you know that
ambiguous finales were par for the course.
Neo vs. Agent Smith, "The
Matrix" (1999)
"He's beginning to believe."
"The Matrix" is about how we look at life.
Morpheus is the dogmatist. His perception of reality is based in scripture and prophecy.
He believes what he cannot see. Agent Smith is the philosopher. His perception of reality
is based around the moments that have happened before and will happen next. He constantly
asks "why" (WHY WHY DO YOU GET UP WHY TELL ME WHY etc.). The Architect is the
scientist. His perception of reality is logic and fact. He built everything he sees around
him, whether that actually ends up being truth or falsehood. Jada Pinkett Smith is that
black girl who walks into your philosophy class and goes "AW HELL NYAH" when the
teacher asks her about Plato and caves.
All improperly-aligned Biblical allegory and chocolate fudge-gasms aside, "The
Matrix," as much slow motion shit as it catches these days, absolutely redefined what
American audiences expect when they walk into an action movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger
didn't make my list because a lot of Arnold's fights are just Arnold walking into a place
and making it explode. Sure, I wanted to have him garroting people with barbed wire on
here somewhere, but Keanu Reeves no-selling point-blank gunshot wounds and superman diving
into Hugo Weaving's navel turned every "Cameron Diaz totes a machine gun"
vehicle of rich Biff Tannen's alternate late 90s into "Cameron Diaz does wire-fu to
techno music."
You may be asking WHY, WHY NEO WHY DO YOU GET UP WHY I didn't include some of the more
elaborate fights from the sequels here. I'm not one of those guys who goes on and on about
how terrible the sequels are. They're a little forced and obvious, but I liked them.
However, I AM the kind of guy who will always prefer punching concrete off the wall to
punching 100 CGI versions of someone, and who will always prefer the simplicity of
"My NAME is NEO!" to sixteen wordy Wachowski paragraphs about how Epicurus is
more like EpiQueerus.
Bullet-time gives Neo the edge against impossible odds!
Daniel LaRusso vs. Johnny Lawrence,
"The Karate Kid" (1999)
"No mercy."
Who here hasn't done the crane kick? Who here
knows one single person in modern living history that hasn't done the crane kick?
Brock Peters died a week ago but I'm sure even he struck the one legged stance and swoop
kicked the shit out of that chiffarobe.
As Whatever-Dude.com founder Dave Macchia wrote in his
tribute to William Zabka (Johnny):
"At the end of the movie, Daniel is not the
only winner, but all of the Cobra Kai are winners as well. They are all redeemed. From
Bobby's seeing the light by saying, 'I'm sorry!' after sweeping Daniel's leg... to
Johnny's subsequent passing of the trophy to Daniel while stating, 'You're alright,
Larusso!'... these kids are saved. They are no longer under Kreese's spell.
The scene at the beginning of Karate Kid II which was shot during the filming of the first
movie and should have been used as the true ending of the original drove this point home.
Miyagi saved these kids, who in essence were good people that just were clouded by an evil
adult influence, literally and figuratively."
Besides, the fight deserves a spot on the list for
historical significance alone, especially since now condescending American wrestlers have
a way to make fun of the little acrobatic Asian guys they're wrestling. Even though
Daniel never went "WAAAAAH" when he set up for the crane.
Jin vs. Leo, "House of Flying
Daggers" (2004)
"I sacrificed three years for you. How
could you love him after only three days?"
I've always had a bit of a crush on Emily's old
roommate Elise (yes,
the one who looks like Spanky again) so when she suggested we all get together and go see
"House of Flying Daggers" at what passes for Roanoke Virginia's art house
theater I said "OKAY SHORE." It looked pretty enough, but I'd already assumed it
was a nice looking retread of that same epic Chinese tree-hopping we've started getting
every year or so. Chow Yun Fat says what sounds like "wooshie wooshie" a lot and
then cuts really fluorescent green leaves off of the wavy trees. We get it.
What I got was...well, about two hours of really pretty wooshie wooshie. Guys do horse
jumps in slow-mo, Zhang Ziyi does something that almost translates as acting but more
accurately lies closer to just standing there making me happy, and Elise sitting a couple
of seats over looking up happily and thinking about Rurouni Kenshin or whatever the fuck
Elise thinks about. The people in this movie throw daggers like heat-seeking rockets. I've
played Castlevania. They go straight until they go off the end of the screen. I'm not
stupid.
And then we get to the last fight scene in the movie. No wire-fu. The first time in the
whole movie without wire-fu. There's a scene where Zhang Ziyi takes a piss and it comes
out in a spiral. No boomerang knives or bow ties. Just two guys who care about a woman
trying to hurt each other with passion and rage. I don't want to spoil too much of the
story here (Jin and Leo are the same person and they have a horse and car chase through
central park that parallels the battle between man and technology) but the movie went from
making my eyes happy to taking my breath away. I've never felt so emotionally involved in
a fight. I watch wrestling. Every fight I see is ridiculous. I don't care when Rob Van Dam
jumps off a ten food ladder into a trashcan. It's stupid. I'm completely taken out of it.
But when Kurt Angle has Shawn Michaels by the leg and absolutely has to break it in half
before they get to the ropes, I'm there. It's life or death. Suspension of disbelief.
When I left the theater I felt like I was a little bit different. Not because of any
personal relevance or deeper meaning, but because this fight is a perfect example of what
passion can do to a person, and how passion means everything. At least to me. And I guess
Al Bundy's character from Wayne's World. I barely even looked at Elise's butt on the way
out. Stupid movie.
Inigo Montoya vs. the Man in Black,
"The Princess Bride" (1987)
commentary provided by Mike
"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill
you."
"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die."
Hey guys, what's going on in this list? Do you
remember The Princess Bride a movie from the '80s? Hello! My name is Indigo
Montana you killed my father prepare to die!! !!!! !
That's what I would write if I were a lesser fan of this film, & of film in
general. That's the scene everyone remembers because of its quotability. On
the other hand, a fan trying harder to be witty & clever may have opted for the
non-physical battle of wits between the Man in Black & the Sicilian mastermind
Vizzini. Then he would've winked at the camera & asked rhetorically for
confirmation that you did, indeed, see what he did there. These are both
incorrect. Your opinions are wrong, & I'm going to punch you in the face with a
small city. Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, right between the eyes.
"The Princess Bride" was the first movie I appreciated as a work of art
& not just a feel-good flick, & the duel between Inigo & the Man in
Black is what did it for me. I was 7 years old; my stream of thought
should've been, "Yeah swordfight yeah! Yeah!" But instead I
found myself admiring things like the set design & the camera angles, the writing
& choreography. It was like I just discovered the motion picture equivalent of
breasts & hit movie puberty.
It's really a brilliantly written scene. After politely allowing his persuer,
country legend Johnny Cash, to catch his breath after climbing a steep cliff, Inigo
inquires if the Man in Black has six fingers on his right hand, briefly recounting the
story of how he's been searching 20 years for the six-fingered swordsman who murdered
his father. The two admire each other's skill with a blade as they
duel, but when Inigo begins to lose his footing, he reveals that he's been
fighting with his weak hand the whole time, triumphantly exclaiming "I am no
left-handed!" The Man in Black is now trapped between the edge of a sword
& the edge of a cliff, when he decides that it might be a good time to inform his
would-be conquerer, "I'm not left-handed either." The best part is that
their polite tones of voice, which unlike those of the long-forgotten swordfights of the
early days of cinema from which they're borrowed, are as genuine as they are
sharp-witted. Even when the Man in Black stands triumphant over the fallen master
Inigo, who begs him to kill him quickly, our hero insists that he'd sooner break a
stained-glass window than an artist such as him. The Man in Black knocks him
unconscious, whispering into his ear that he still holds him in the highest regard.
And such is my love for this scene. It's my subjective numero uno, no contest.
James Bond vs. Donald "Red"
Grant, "From Russia With Love" (1963)
"The first one won't kill you; not the
second, not even the third... not till you crawl over here and you KISS MY FOOT!"
In the same way that Gov Anold's fight scenes are all
"Arnold walks into a place and blows it up," the majority of James Bond fight
scenes rely on Bond taking cover and somehow eliminating everyone in the room by doing so.
He jumps into a car and suddenly the car has bazookas in it. He crouches behind a crate
and a table across the room explodes. When the slappers are turned on he gets
hand-to-hand, but even that turns into a guy running at him, being chopped, and falling
down.
That's what I love about "From Russia With
Love;" the fight between Bond and Red Grant on the Orient Express bucks even the
most proximity mine-laden spy film cliché, consisting almost entirely of Sean Connery and
Robert Shaw (Quint from "Jaws," an actor who died about 20 years too early)
punching each others' faces off in a tiny sleeper compartment. No smarmy dialogue, no
exaggerated woman named GONNATOUCH YERDINGDONG, no wing-tipped shoe that turns into a
magical boat. Sean Connery wasn't the best James Bond because he told Trabek to suck it
and was so vocal about the relationship between dog and man. Moore, Lazenby, Dalton, and
Brosnan can all deliver a line like "well I'm going to lick your vagina" and
make it sound suave. But Connery was the only one who could do so and still look like he
was going to beat your ass. James Bond IS a ladies man. But he's also supposed to be
tough. Robert Shaw would've made Pierce Brosnan's head six times bigger and bright purple.
That's why Sean Connery goes home and fucks the prom queen.
I also like this scene because the train sequence ends without me having to meticulously
remove all the metal fasteners from a hatch using only my wristwatch.
Pee-wee Herman vs. Francis Buxton,
"Pee-wee's Big Adventure" (1985)
commentary provided by Jon
"Oh really? WHERE ARE THEY HOSING HIM
DOWN?"
In my lifetime I've literally seen multiple films. I
can't remember a character more simultaneously endearing and macabre than Pee-Wee Herman.
Pee-Wee intrudes upon Francis Buxton, the flabby, pampered man-child who has stolen his
bike, as he's waging mock naval warfare in his pool-sized bathtub. Without a second
thought, Pee-Wee plunges in, cold-heartedly pushing him beneath water.
To anyone who is afraid of drowning, this scene is terrifying. The message is clear: From
this point forth, this is not a childrens' film. It is the dark, sorded tale of what
happens when what a man loves most is wrested from him. He screams "YOU'RE MILES AWAY
FROM WHERE ANYONE CAN HEAR YOU!" And we, or at least I, get that moment of
satisfaction. It's a sick, terrible sort of satisfaction.
The kind you would get if you could lock yourself in a room with the second-grade jerk who
swiped the note your mom wrote on your napkin and tucked in your lunchbox to cheer you up,
and ran around the lunchroom waving it around to everyone and calling you a queer. You're
all alone with him, with no consequences, and you'd like to stomp him in the face until
his teeth cave in. You know it's wrong -- no, actually, you don't. You did five minutes
ago, and you will five seconds from now. But right now, in this moment, "right"
is following your impulse, and there is no wrong. Mercifully, the Pacific Islander/Other
butler breaks into your fantasy and breaks things up before anything happens that cannot
be un-happened, saving you from hating or altering yourself forever.
This scene did to the pool what "Psycho" did to the terrifying knife murder.
Chen Zhen vs. Supreme Killer General
Fujita, "Fist of Legend" (1994)
"Don't ask, it's a good fist if it
wins."
In the movie "Fist of Legend," Jet Li's
character faces off with a character named SUPREME KILLER GENERAL FUJITA and slits the
guy's throat using a belt. Do you need to know more than that? If you've never seen
"Fist of Legend," rent or buy it immediately. But avoid the Jet Li Collection
DVD, it only has an English language track. And the special feature is a guy pointing and
laughing at me.
Also, "Fist of Legend" is what Katie Holmes gets when Tom Cruise is feeling
especially freewheeling in bed.
Indiana Jones vs. A big, bald Nazi,
"Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981)
commentary provided by Lindy
"Now you're getting nasty."
This is the scene that launched a thousand Disney
themed Park reenactments. After escaping the snake-filled Well of Souls, Indiana Jones and
Marion try to figure out a way to escape. While Marion is stuck trying to deal with an
eventually unconscious pilot, Indiana is faced for the first time with a real man to man
fight. Instead of turning into "LOL Indy punches nazis they fall down like
dominoes" or "Indy shoots man with sword," this is instead Indiana
scrambling around while getting the shit beat out of him by a bald, muscular Ed Rooney,
intent on showing off that he can beat the shit out of Indiana with just his fists.
For the first time ever we get to see that Indiana is a dirty fighter. He throws sand in
the man's eyes, strikes him across the back with a metal folding chair,
and gets in every sucker punch that he can. Despite all of the effort, Dr. Walter Jenning
manages to stay on top and tries to beat down the flailing Indiana. In the end, it's
really the airplane that ends up winning the fight. Chalk one up for industry, I guess.
Technology - 1
Man - 0
Tequila and Tony vs. a hospital full of
terrorists, "Hard Boiled" (1992)
"Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman.
Give him two and he thinks he's God."
It's more of an action sequence than a straight up
fight, but nobody who's seen John Woo's "Hard Boiled" (or "The
Killer," long before I associated it with Brandon Flowers being pissed off about Eric
Roberts nailing Satine) would deny it a spot. The premise here isn't exceptionally
deep...if you chapter skip to Tequila (Chow Yun Fat) being wooshie whooshed into the
hospital full of terrorists you can still get a pretty good idea of who everyone is and
what's going on. Why? Because it's 25 minutes of Chow Yun Fat running down a hallway
shooting everything that moves.
Gun violence and John Woo himself have been watered down for American audiences. Like
Grunge says in that one Adam Warren issue of Gen 13 Bootleg (oh Christ I'm a dork), guys
in America only get to unload a few rounds into a guy's chest at point blank range. In
"Hard Boiled" Fat Chow (a cute dog, hee) does not hesitate to shoot 400,000
bullets at even a picture of another human being. While Tony (the friend and associate
helping to keep the good guy from being Chow Yun Shot) and Mad Dog (Pee-wee Herman
with tape on his face the cool eye-patched assassin) have a flippy showdown that
tears up every window, wall, and person in the hospital, Tequila has what might be one of
the most oddly cute and endearing scenes I've ever seen in a movie.
A hospital has babies in it, right? And you don't want your baby in the hands of a
terrorist. So the feds burst in and start airlifting the babies out, but one gets left
behind. So Tequila tucks him under an arm and sings to the real-live hyper-cute Chinese
baby to keep him calm. Terrorists try to gun him down but they each end up in a pool of
blood, save one, who gets in a shot at Tequila's abdomen. Tequila doesn't cry or flinch or
fall, though. He just notices that some blood has splattered onto the baby's face. So he
gently apologizes and wipes the blood away. That scene always gives me a boy vagina.
Robin Hood vs. Sir Guy of Guisbourne,
"The Adventures of Robin Hood" (1938)
commentary provided by Mike
"Do you know any prayers, my friend?"
"I'll say one for you."
After The Princess Bride made a man out of me, I
proceeded to get all swordfight happy with my movie-renting habits. Like the
time you first discovered punk rock & then when on a binge of Clash &
Misfits albums, only pretend Errol Flynn is the Clash, & Basil
Rathbone is the Misfits. And I guess Douglas Fairbanks can be Iggy &
the Stooges. And Robert Johnson invented the sword.
The swordfight in The Adventures of Robin Hood certainly wasn't the first of its
kind. It wasn't even the first duel between Flynn (Robin Hood) & Rathbone
(Sir Guy). This was something of a rematch, the Rocky II to Captain Blood's Rocky I,
except the steps are in the second one. But whereas Captain Blood showed us
that the two could put on a well-choreographed swordfight for us, & even
inspired Rathbone to further study fencing, Robin Hood is where they nailed it in a
display of two masters going head to head. Flynn matches Rathbone's every flick of
the blade with a parry & every flick of the tongue with a quick retort. The duel
ranges all around the castle grounds in one of the longest scenes of its kind, but it's
swashbuckling at its very best, & worth every swing of the sword.
Lee vs. EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS EVER LIVED
IN OR THOUGHT ABOUT CHINA, "Enter the Dragon" (1973)
"Boards don't hit back."
If anybody tells you that someone can beat Bruce Lee
in a fight, tell them they are wrong. They are. Van Damme can't beat Bruce Lee. Neither
could Jet Li, Tony Jaa, or Hulk Hogan. "But Superman could beat Bruce Lee!" No,
he couldn't. Superman would fly at Bruce, Bruce would go WATAAAAAAAAAAAA, and Superman
would fall down. The only two people who can beat Bruce Lee in a fight are Batman and
Captain America, and that is indisputable realism and comic fact.
Any scene with Bruce Lee WATAAA ownage deserves a spot on the greatest fight scenes list.
Lee taking out people with nunchucks and Lee taking a metal claw to the chest only to
TASTE HIS OWN BLOOD are classics, but my favorite scene is any where Lee stands in one
place and just destroys everyone who comes near him. It's like he's doing a dance. He
can't even see them. But they step in his little circle and WATAAAAA and their nose goes
flying out of the back of their head.
Sammo Hung AND Jackie Chan both eat dirt in this movie. Do you understand the words that
are coming out of mWATAAAA *crash* death
Sean Thornton vs. Squire "Red
Will" Danaher, "The Quiet Man" (1952)
"I'll count three, and if you're not out of
the house by then, I'll loose the dogs on you."
"If you say 'three,' mister, you'll never hear the man count 'ten.'"
hey speak up
If my generation doesn't appreciate Charles Bronson,
how can they appreciate John Wayne? I won't lie to you. When I was a kid the only two
things I knew about John Wayne were "HEY PILGRIM" and that Al Bundy really loved
the movie "Hondo" and that fact's relation to it never being played on cable.
What I grew to understand is that John Wayne had gravitas. Substance. Weightiness. That's
missing from almost every aspect of society. Jack Bauer has gravitas; Tony Almeida
doesn't. Kurt Angle has gravitas; John Cena doesn't. What they do seems more important in
the grand scheme because they mean what they say, do what they say they're going to do,
and succeed without falsity. So while there were many fine actors in the Golden Age of
Hollywood very few of them could walk into a room knowing they could balls out end every
man, woman, and beast. Clark Gable couldn't do it. Neither could Fred Astaire. But John
Wayne could. He was gravitas personified, and that's why he gets to sit in the magical
midnight diner with Marilyn Monroe and Elvis.
The fight scene in "The Quiet Man" rules because it just goes ON and ON and ON.
It starts out as a bar brawl but ends up going all over town. John Wayne and Victor
McLaglen brutally punch each other until one of them ends up in the river. I bet you can't
guess which one.
Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves,
"Kill Bill vol. 1" (2003)
"Those of you lucky enough to have your
lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me
now."
Samurai Fiction,
volume 1. Ain't it beautiful?
My love of Kill Bill is unique in that I get all of
the references/homages/rip-offs (like Uma's Bruce Lee yellow jumpsuit of doom from
"Game of Death" or Gogo's bloody head from Fulci's "The Gates of
Hell") but I love seeing them all put together, and I love the love that went into
making it happen. There is absolutely no way I can know that Quentin Tarantino explicitly
stated "I want white eyebrow from 'Fist of the White Lotus' to show up in my
movie" and FAULT him for that. Every movie I ever make is going to have a walk on
role ready for Dennis Haysbert. We love the people that inspire us, and the moviegoing
public can't honestly think for a second that a guy like Tarantino is going to dress Uma
Thurman up like Bruce Lee and pretend like he made it up. Pretension is a terrible thing,
and it's sure as hell a lot worse than just being a giant dork ass.
Highlights of the fight include:
- Plucked out eyeballs.
- The cutting off of feet while doing something very close to a breakdance.
- Chiaki Kuriyama,
my Zhang Ziyi backup plan.
- Gordon Lui getting to run into a room and go AAAAAAAAAAAAAH
After all of that you get a beautifully framed and filmed snow showdown (snowdown) and at
least three moments when I looked at the image of a man bleeding and went
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. There are a lot of movies I like more (I'm the kind of guy who
prefers Swedish donkey Christ-parables from the sixties) but there are very few movies I
like to WATCH more. Kill Bill deserves this spot no matter what your talkback says.
Sanjuro vs. Unosuke, gunfighter,
"Yojimbo" (1961)
"Kill one or a hundred. You only hang
once."
"Yojimbo" has been remade into more
different pieces of popular culture than anything else I can think of. The Bruce Willis
movie "Last Man Standing" was a remake of "Yojimbo." The Ninja Turtles
(and indie comic collectors) had a rabbit friend dressed like Toshiro Mifune named Usagi
Yojimbo. In the school yard Bart Simpson has been known to shout, "Yo Jimbo!" It
goes on and it goes deep, but nothing ("A Fistful of Dollars"...another
remake...included) comes CLOSE to matching the coolness of Akira Kurosawa's original.
Guys with guns in martial arts movies are a long tradition. They show up like cowards to
give themselves an unfair advantage. Unosuke is a little different because of his
arrogance. He feels a little bit naked without his gun. It's a part of him. So he'll use
it to kill, and he'll use it to show off. What he can't use it for is shooting Sanjuro,
the wandering "bodyguard" played by Mifune. When Clint Eastwood faced off
against a gun he needed a bulletproof vest. When Marty McFly walked in on Biff Tannen and
his hot tub girls watching Clint Eastwood face off against a gun he realized that in a
similar situation he would also need a bulletproof vest.
Toshiro fucking Mifune doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He runs up to Unosuke (and OTHER
guys) all crazy like, DODGES THE BULLETS, and cuts him to death. He even lets the
helplessly death-cutted gunfighter hold his gun again afterwards, knowing that his unique
folk badassery will protect him. Sure enough Unosuke goes face down in the street and
Sanjuro wanders away again, going off somewhere to inspire that one episode of Pokémon
where Ash finds himself in the middle of a dispute between rival gyms.
Jason and the Argonauts vs. skeletons,
"Jason and the Argonauts" (1963)
"Now the voyage is over, I don't want any
trouble to begin."
I love "Jason and the Argonauts." It's
weird. I'm not a fan of historical epics, be they realistic or fantasy. I don't have a
particular love of Greek people, though I like their cheeses, nor am I the kid who got way
too interested in mythology and drew a minotaur doing something for every single school
project. I couldn't draw a minotaur doing long division, my mythology was more about
knowing Electro's real name.
I'm also not a fan of the modern "monster" movie. The modern movie isn't about
running in terror from something mean. It's about confronting and battling the monster.
Aliens really started this. The Alexander Grady Portalan-doo Oregon-oo "I'M GONNA
KICK YOUR ASS" rule of on-screen confidence. Now if the kids run into the Jeeper
Creeper they try to karate fight him. If Van Helsing runs into a Roger Rabbit-quality
werewolf he's going to fight it, and he's going to say something sarcastic about how
wolves smell, or about Michael J. Fox, or the like.
But there is just SOMETHING special about this, the first real "man battles CGI
monsters" hit, that does it for me. I can sit with a big grin on my face throughout
the whole movie, being in awe of how talented animator Ray Harryhausen was and laughing at
Todd Armstrong's terrible overdub. He's honestly two steps away from being actor Troy
McClure. This one is a favorite of my Dad's. He remembers being stunned by the special
effects. And you know? Forty years later it still looks a lot better than
"Torque."
YOU MESSIN WIT MY GOT DAMN GOOD NACHA
King Arthur vs. The Black Knight,
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (1975)
" Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no
arms left."
Weeeeeeeeee, are the knights who SAAAAAAAY... stop
quoting Python. For the love of God. Even the guys who were IN Python can't say those
lines and make them funny now. Have you seen anything with John Cleese in it lately? Dude
was CLASSIC, and had his funny surgically removed after "A Fish Called Wanda."
Now he just plays STAMMERING BRIT as people like Matt Le Blanc throw their hands around
and make jokes about popular culture and the penis. And poor Eric Idle. He only shows up
to narrate things that should be Shrek but aren't.
Quote it constantly or quote it not at all, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is
absolutely one of the most funny, strange, and influential comedies ever made. They
weren't the Marx Brothers but they had balls the size of Mars, and in those special years
(back when Woody Allen was still a genius) the Pythons made themselves MORE than a comedy
team. They became heroes. They became legends and Gods at what they do. I'm just
overstating it. I'm about the four-billionth person to do so. Writing about the Pythons is
pointless. They're just the Pythons. And I'm fucking thankful for that.
When told that NONE SHALL PASS, Arthur uses indie rock band The Dismemberment Plan to hack
off the Knight's arms and legs, leaving him an arrogant, threatening amputee. The best
moment is when Arthur kneels after cutting off both of the knight's arms, only to catch a
Yakuza kick to the side of the face. Although the biggest laugh in the film (and there are
far too many) for me is still the Black Knight winning his first fight with a gigantic
boot to the balls.
911, WHITE MAN DOWN
King Kong vs. Godzilla, "King Kong
vs. Godzilla" (1962)
"King Kong can't make a monkey out of
us!"
It was the greatest miscarriage of justice in my
childhood, and it happened about two decades before I was born. If Freddy vs. Jason was
that territory-era Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan debate for me, the canon and sanctitude of
Godzilla vs. King Kong became something much stronger. Like trying to argue who would win
in a fight between Ric Flair and Shadow Ric Flair. WHO WOULD THROW WHOM FROM THE TOP ROPE?
I wasn't setting up the fight, but I KNEW Godzilla couldn't lose to Kong.
The logic is simple: Kong is a big ape. Godzilla is a NUCLEAR DRAGON MAN who shoots fire
and has defeated countless robots, monsters, and sprinting Japanese businessmen. King Kong
was taken down by dudes in biplanes. BIPLANES. Godzilla would just go GODZILLA NOISE and
destroy all monsters. However, by the time I got to the end of "King Kong vs.
Godzilla" something very disturbing had happened: Harry Knowles and his wretched
perception of what makes movies good or bad had just taken a big scoop out of the
hyperbowl and KING KONG HAD ILLOGICALLY WON. It's like SHIT, watching Mike Tyson go down
to Buster Douglas. King Kong walks away and leaves Godzilla underwater, beaten. I wanted
to die.
I found out later on that there's an alternate version where Godzilla goes GODZILLA
NOOOOOISE from beneath the waves to let us know that he's still okay, and I like to
pretend (since I've never seen it) that Godzilla does one of those excited face moves
where he books it across the ocean and jumps onto King Kong's back to the cheers of all.
King Kong could NOT beat Godzilla. King Kong couldn't even beat Denzel Washington. Or so
I've heard.
Nada vs. Frank, "They Live"
(1988)
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and
kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
If you ever want to hypnotize someone, have them
watch John Carpenter's "They Live." You'd think a guy named John Carpenter could
"put together" a better movie than this. A joke by me the Pulitzer prize winning
writer!
Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David have a problem. Piper (Nada) wants David (Frank) (not
the White Ranger) to put on glasses that will allow him to see that most of the people
around him are in fact evil aliens. The dilemma is that (Jason) (David) Frank doesn't want
to put on the glasses. So Nada has to tell him to PUT ON THE GLASSES. Then they take turns
pounding each other in the face. And every few seconds Nada stops to tell Frank to PUT ON
THE DAMN GLASSES. PUT THEM ON. PUT THE GLASSES ONTO YOUR FACE. PUT THEM ONTO THERE. No
luck, and they keep fighting. FOR EVER.
If you've seen South Park's infamous "Cripple Fight" you've seen Nada vs. Frank
from "They Live." If you've seen two middle-aged men knee each other in the dick
for half an hour you've seen Nada vs. Frank from "They Live." If you HAVEN'T
seen these things (and I'm just guessing here on the dick kneeing) do so, and try to
resist the urge to jump up and down laughing and cheering when they enter hour seven of
the really bad fighting. The only way you will be able to escape pure bliss is if you fall
asleep, and hey, it happens.
A funny aside: I was allowed to watch this movie as long as there wasn't nudity. If we
watched and tits showed up, I'd have to leave. So I'm watching it with my Mom and Dad and
it's terrible, but I love it, and then in the VERY LAST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE there's
a woman sitting there with her tits out. The VERY LAST ONE. My Dad goes "Well
shit" and ushers me out of the room. PLACE THE GLASSES IN FRONT OF YOUR HEAD AND WEAR
THEM.
Samurai vs. Bandits, "Seven
Samurai" (1954)
"Again, we've survived."
Akira Kurosawa filmed his rainstorms like Jenna
Jameson films her tits; impressively and constantly. I won't go film school on you here.
"Seven Samurai" is about a lot more than samurai protecting a village from
bandits. It's about class. Humanity. The villagers don't like the samurai but need them.
The bandits could go raid any village they want, but they choose this one, despite the
samurai. Men die, there is love, and again, we're defeated.
The entire scene gets the spot but it more specifically goes to Toshiro Mifune (again). In
the middle of a sword battle, a gunshot rings out. Kyuzo falls to his knees in the mud.
Everyone watches as he stumbles, tosses away his sword, and falls facedown in to the mud.
Kikuchiyo (Mifune) pushes through and bumrushes the hut where the bandit chief sniper
stands, aims, and fires. Kikuchiyo falls to the ground.
And because he is Toshiro fucking Mifune he stands right back up. He walks into the hut,
sword in hand, and stares down the bandit chief. The chief has no idea what to do.
Kikuchiyo should be dead. He backs up. Kikuchiyo follows. And with his last breath, Mifune
lunges forward, kills the chief, and collapses on a narrow bridge, his bare ass hanging
out. He's like a little boy. All men with their bare asses hanging out look like little
boys. He's dead, almost humorously so, and yet we feel for him because he was our friend
and we'd grown to love him.
"Akira Kurosawa" means "I'm better than you."
Optimus Prime vs. Megatron, "The
Transformers: The Movie" (1986)
commentary provided by Matt of X-Entertainment
"One shall stand...one shall fall."
'86 Me: There's no way they would kill
Optimus Prime. The commercial's lying.
'86 Him: But notice how they didn't say anything about Megatron?
'86 Me: ....
'86 Him: Eh? Eh?
'86 Me: Shit.
After all, not every television trailer for a children's movie begs the questions:
"IS YOUR HERO, IDOL AND ROLE MODEL GONNA DIE?"
The film wasted no time in spilling its true intentions. For the sake of new toys, we were
trading in our old, beloved characters for new, as-of-yet unproven Autobots and
Decepticons. The ramifications of this would be discussed and debated for years and years,
but my friends and I had to put such issues on the backburner for a far more pressing
issue: Was Optimus Prime going to die? The television ads hinted at it, but c'mon...this
was Optimus Prime!
We knew Megatron and Optimus were finally gonna duke it out, and this one was for all the
marbles. This was the big one. We'd spent countless schoolyard afternoons pleading our
cases over who would come out victorious. Prime was probably stronger, but Megatron was
probably craftier. Prime transformed into a big, breathtaking supertruck that rarely hurt
anybody, but Megatron turned into a tiny baby dick gun that hurt guys all the time. And
regardless of whatever the toys' tech specs claimed, nothing was going to be conclusive
until the legends battled it on the big screen.
You know how it goes. Prime shows up at the Autobots' Earth base to save the day from a
legion of Decepticons, and finally, it's time to take care of Megatron -- once and for
all. Then stupid Hot Rod gets in the way and inadvertently serves as Megatron's shield so
he can shoot the holy shit out of Prime's red body. It's here that we learn the real
reason why so many people hated Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime as the new Autobot leader. It's not
because he sucked. He really didn't suck. It's just that the motherfucker got Prime
killed, man. He tainted the outcome just enough for us to be satisfied in knowing that
there WAS no outcome.
Forgiving that, the battle was something to behold. Chips of metal flying, words of
tremendous finality being hurled -- even if it wasn't really for all the marbles, it sure
as heck sounded and looked like it. When Prime musters just enough energy to give Megatron
a few last lashes, it was the kind of edge-of-your-seat moment that makes the franchise
totally deserving of its countless fanboys. The cartoon was often cheesy, sappy and maybe
even a bit flaccid. Other times, like this, The Transformers were all that mattered.
I don't remember crying when Prime died. I really wish I had. Despite the fact that
Megatron was soon transformed into the "new" character of Galvatron and despite
the fact that Prime would later be brought back to life outright and despite the fact that
it's just a damn cartoon, that was one freakass punkup bitch of a Showcase Showdown.
So, uh, does that mean Roller died too?
Wong Fei-hung vs. John, "Drunken
Master II" (1994)
"Drinking gives Herculean strength!"
I seldom drink wine, because I can't stop giving
heavy punches. Jackie Chan (who still is unsure about the words that are coming out of my
black man's radio) takes a ridiculous concept (a guy gets really good at fighting when
he's drunk) and make a hit movie. TWENTY-SIX years later he make a sequel and manages to
do what even he probably didn't know he could do: Blow away every single physical stunt
and movement performed in those twenty-six years.
Anyone who doubts Jackie's fighting ability or performances should watch him fight Benny
the Jet in "Wheels on Meals." But anyone who doesn't recognize Jackie Chan as a
walking God in a world full of Chris Tuckers should watch "Drunken Master II,"
or "The Legend of Drunken Master" as it was dubbed in the states. Jackie bends,
jumps, spins, and fights always an honest 2.7 centimeters away from being stabbed or
having his head crushed by falling things. I don't know how he does it. And somewhere near
the middle of that amazing twenty minute finale he gets kicked onto a bed of hot coals. I
don't know. I don't know why he does it, why he did it, or why he'll probably do it again.
But that man deserves our respect in a lot of capacities not limited to the Wilson
brothers.
The scene where Jackie's leg catches on fire and he puts it out by JUMPKICKING THROWN
WATER was my favorite scene of its kind until Tony Jaa started dethroning entire nations
while on fire. The rumor is that Chan and Jaa are teaming up for a Drunken Master III, and
if the difference between part one and part two is any indication Tony Jaa is going to
become a being of pure energy and knee the concepts of space/time and reality upside the
head.
Dragon vs. Colt, "Way of the
Dragon" (1972)
"Movement number 4: Dragon seeks path.
Hi-yah!"
Chuck Norris has the upper hand. He's big, young,
and strong. He has Bruce beat. Chuck Norris, the man who we most often find thrust kicking
the Deadly Foes of Jonathan Brandis through a windshield, has Bruce Lee (who only would
lose to Batman or Captain America, remember) DEFEATED. Down and out. Unfortunately he was
still a few years away from making FIREWALKER so he doesn't act fast enough, and that
gives Bruce the opportunity to do what, class?
Adapt. From static to flowing. From attacking to counter-striking. Moving in and out. Lee
sets him up, destroys his limbs, and finally, because he has no choice and Chuck Norris is
a whole hell of a lot harder to beat up than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (and possibly even Bill
Walton), guillotines Colt right out of his 45's and wins the fight. Then he pays respect
to his fallen opponent. Because he is Bruce Lee and was too damn great to stay on this
Earth for too long.
This was one of the (if not THE) last movies to be filmed at the actual Roman Coliseum, so
Colt and Dragon duking it out in the very literal gladiatorial sense is a big deal. Bruce
Lee would go on to be the most important martial arts legend and icon of modern times.
Chuck Norris would go on to be the guy who gave the thumbs up to the Average Joes in
"Dodgeball."
Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader,
"Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back" (1980)
"No, that's not true! That's
impossible!!"
i am your dad luke skywalker!!! !!
How could this not be included? Arguably the most important and remembered popular culture
moment of my generation on film, the Skywalker/Vader fight rivals the Inoki/Vader fight in
terms of historical importance, cultural significance, and style. Look at that picture.
See how nice that looks? That's back when George Lucas was a director and not the rich guy
who made candy appear on screen.
This spot actually goes out to all the great Star Wars fights that were considered for a
place on the list, including:
- The Rebel assault on the Death Star.
- Darth Vader vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi from "A New Hope."
- Greedo shooting first. I mean NOT shooting first.
- Those spaceships that I SO COMPLETELY DO NOT KNOW THE NAME OF vs. the AT-AT Walker from
the Hoth... from the Battle for the Amazing Ice Planet.
- Ewoks versus folks.
- Darth Maul vs. Obi-Wan and Rob Roy.
- Jake Lloyd going "yipee" vs. My Urge to Kill Him.
- Yoda vs. Count Dooku (one dooku)
- Anakin Skywalker vs. Obi-Wan on the Amazing Lava Planet.
- Princess Leia choking out Jabba the Hut.
- The last fight from Spaceballs.
Rocky Balboa vs. Apollo Creed,
"Rocky" (1976)
"Ain't gonna be no rematch."
"Don't want one."
Before you start going WHA WHA WHAT and throwing
things at me, let me explain my rationale. One thing you have to remember about
"Rocky" as a film is that "Rocky" is not "Rocky II, III, IV, V,
or VI." This is very important. A lot of people don't know the difference, or they
haven't seen the first Rocky since they were kids and base their nostalgia beef on Ivan
Drago and Mr. T. I like those movies a lot, but "Rocky" should not be considered
alongside them. "Rocky" won Best Picture...yes, BEST PICTURE in 1977. It beat
out "Taxi Driver," "Network," and "All the President's Men."
And okay, so it's not Taxi Driver, but it won that award for a very good reason:
"Rocky" is an amazing movie.
Thing to remember two: What I considered when putting this list together. I wanted to be
objective so I had to take into consideration both people who knew what they were talking
about and people who didn't. Ask a guy in the street what he thought about "Au hasard
Balthazar" and he's going to stare a hole through your head. Ask Roger Ebert what he
thought about "Heavyweights" and it's not going to end up with nearly enough
credit. You've got to experience BOTH sides in a situation like this. And what to
consider?
Importance to film history. "Rocky" won Best Picture and basically built the
template for our modern sports movie. Without "Rocky" there would be no
effective "Rudy," no "Friday Night Lights," no "Miracle" or
"Cinderella Man" or well, shit, "Dodgeball." It also gave us Stallone,
who isn't really Alfred Molina over here, but without Stallone we'd be without at least 8
of the 10 movies we watched every year of our childhood.
Pop culture significance. How many people equate "Rocky" with boxing? Too many.
And you can say "Yo, Adrian" to a baby in the womb and they know what you mean.
And if it turns out life begins at conception after all, even THOSE kids could tell you
that Rocky would've won those fights a lot easier if he'd tried to block, even once.
Fight quality. The punches are brutal. They aren't Raging Bull technical and they aren't
Way of the Dragon creative, but they're punches. Punches from these two characters, two
men who want so badly to win, so badly to knock the other out. Slow motion spit wads and
funny flapping cheeks just drive this home.
It just makes sense objectively. "Way of the Dragon" is technically brilliant
but isn't emotionally accessible to everyone. "Star Wars" is culturally
important and significant, but is at the core Mark Hamill and a guy in a robot costume
playing swordfight. We all did that as kids, with baseball bats. The He-Man/Skeletor thing
where you just go back and forth, holding the bat/sword at head level, going "woomp,
woomp, BOOSH." "Rocky" is technically sound (enough to win awards),
emotional, and important. It makes sense objectively, even though my subjective list goes
SPIDER-MAN KARATE KARATE KARATE.
And the final thing is that it tells us something about ourselves. Why do we fight? Why do
any of these fights happen? Life. Pride. Dignity. Making something of yourself or a
situation. We fight battles every day. Not always with our fists, but we do. And unlike
Bruce Lee we don't always win them all. Rocky doesn't win this fight. He comes close, but
not even that close. He just stays. He stands strong. He takes the shots (without
blocking, jeez) and he weathers it. And that's what we have to do. We don't win every
fight but as long as it has been weathered we come out a stronger person on the other
side, ready to put on the flash USA tights and win the rematch, even if we're told there
isn't going to be one.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how hard you fight. That's the best message of all.
If you tap out you still might get that standing ovation.
Talk about it in the forums.
