Doki Doki Panic
The strange truth behind Super Mario Bros. 2.
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on January 24, 2003

You know why monsters & giant robots always attack Japan instead of America or any other country for that matter? It's because Japan is much smarter & more technologically advanced than us. They've had flying cars & conveyor belt sidewalks for years, but for some reason, they just don't think that the rest of the world is ready for that kind of stuff. In short, Japan thinks we're all idiots.

Don't believe me? Take a look at the video game industry. Japan has had that new Zelda Wind Waker game for over a month, & we don't get it until March! Does it really take that long to translate? Actually, on second thought, 3 months is, indeed, ample time... or else we'll be left with "EASTMOST PENNINSULA IS THE SECRET." Want a better example? Here you go.

Super Mario Bros. 2. I'm sure you're all familiar with this game, so I don't need to tell you anything about it that you already know. So go ahead & pretend I just made some jokes about giant rats with sunglasses, sexually confused prehistoric birds, & a brotherhood of socially inept midgets in cloaks & masks. Now, take a look at what Japan got!

Now hold on just a minute... this looks just like Mario 1! That's right, kids. Japan's Mario 2 looked & played just like the original, except that it was a 1-player game in which you could choose between the two brothers. Luigi could jump higher than Mario, but his traction wasn't as good. It was like the bottom of his shoes were covered in a layer of ice or banana peels. This game eventually made its way to the rest of the world in the form of "The Lost Levels" on the Super Mario All Stars pack for the Super Nintendo.

So why didn't we get it before? Besides the fact that it was a much harder game & Japan didn't think we could handle it, it was considered too similar to the first game. While this never stopped Capcom from making 6 Mega Man games for the NES, not to mention about 5 versions of Street Fighter II, Nintendo felt that at this early stage in the home video game history, it might not be a good idea. So instead, we got giant rats with sunglasses, sexually confused prehistoric birds, & a brotherhood of socially inept midgets in cloaks & masks. Now, the big question is: where did these come from? The answer lies in a game you might have heard about before, but never got to see for yourself... UNTIL NOW! Behold, the game that became Mario 2!

Dream Factory: Doki Doki Panic

DOKI DOKI PANIC translates to English as SOMETHING SOMETHING PANIC. What do you want from me? The only things I know how to say in Japanese are "Hello," "Goodbye," & "Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto."

EDIT: Ok, I just got about 20 emails from some helpful otaku nerds telling me that DOKI DOKI is, in fact, Japanese onomatopoeia for the sound of your heart pounding. You can stop now, guys.

You'll notice that a company called Fuji TV had a hand in making it. I've never heard of Fuji TV... maybe they're affiliated with Mr. Fuji of wrestling fame. You know, Yokozuna's old master.

AWWWWW!

Rest assured, the game is, indeed, a Miyamoto original. A few sources say that Doki Doki Panic was originally set to be a Mario game, but Nintendo decided to release it in Japan first with totally different characters & plot, to see how the public would respond to it. I find that pretty hard to believe, but that's only because it sounds like a stupid idea. Nintendo's been known to have a few of those. Like the idea to not let Sony help them make a CD game console. At any rate, while the story of Mario 2 revolved around a dream Mario had, the story of Doki Doki Panic was quite different. The game has a short intro to show us what's going on.

Hey, look! It's Jack & Kelly Osbourne! They appear to be reading the largest book ever as Speed Racer's pet monkey, Chim Chim, paces the floor &... OH NO! A giant evil hand just reached out & pulled them inside the largest & apparently also magic book ever!

The largest magic book ever cries for help to get these stupid kids out of it, so Chim Chim runs to get the assistance of... dah-da-dahhhh... some random Arabian family! We see The family suddenly apparate directly into the room. Everyone stares at the book in horror. Except the dad. He's too busy looking at the pretty pictures.

The random Arabian family determine that it is somehow their duty to rescue the Osbourne children from the giant magic book of doom, so one by one, they jump in after the evil green hand. Then we see a polite, encouraging, go-get-em message, telling us to turn the disk over. Allow me to explain. The Japanese predecessor of the NES was called the Family Computer, or "Famicom" for short. Doki Doki Panic was a game for an add-on to the console called the Famicom Disk System. Basically the game was on a floppy disk, with data on both sides of the disk, so not only did that result in having to switch sides at some point in the game, but it also resulted in a bit of this...

While putting games on disks instead of cartridges was cheaper, the format didn't sell as well as it was supposed to, & neither did this game. But Nintendo decided to go ahead & turn it into a Mario game. Now you know, & therefore have only 50% of the battle left to fight! Wait I did that wrong.

And now it's time to meet our heroes, the random Arabian family!

Imajin
The brave young son of the family. With a name like that, you'd expect to find this guy hanging out with Figment at Epcot Center. Forever doomed to settle for 2nd best, Imajin, like Mario after him, has no strengths that make him stand out among his comrades. So depending on your elite (see also: the number 1,337) gaming skills, he's either your old standby, or totally useless.

Lina
Imajin's little sister. You can tell she's a girl because she's wearing all pink! Well, that plus the fact that Nintendo made sure to give her some extra pixels in the (ahem) boobal region. She sure loves to show off that belly dancer midriff. Lina's abilities are the same as Princess Toadstool's, including her ability to hover in the air for a short time, & her ability to be really freaking slow when she's carrying something.

Mama
You know how your mom would listen to the weather report in the morning & tell you to wear a jacket to school because it would get colder later in the day? Mama may be sweating like a whore in church now, but we'll see who's the fool once the family makes their way to ice-cold World 4! Mama's high jump was handed down to Luigi, but she doesn't do that kicking thing with her legs. That would totally cramp her style, G.

Papa
Hey look! It's Mario with a turban! No, wait... it's Toad with a mustache! Not only does Papa share Toad's strength, making him actually run faster when he's carrying something, but he also manages to fit into the same pair of pants as Toad. And look, they both have beer bellies.

Now that I've introduced everybody, let's get into the other differences between Mario 2 & Doki Doki Panic. Most of these are minor details in graphics & animation, but the first thing you'll notice makes a rather large difference in gameplay.

No B-button run
Holding the B-button in order to run faster is exclusive to Mario games (and Adventure Island, but that's just details), so it's understood why it doesn't exist in Doki Doki Panic. Still, imagine going to college & having T-1 internet at your disposal, then going home & having to deal with Mom & Dad's AOL account signing onto a 56k dialup modem. That's how playing Doki Doki Panic is. After playing Mario 2 for years & taking full advantage of the B-button run, these stupid Arabs are just way too slow. To recreate this experience, go play Mario 2 & see how long it takes you to finish World 1-1 without using the B-button to run faster. While you're doing that, remember not to throw the controller across the room. Statistics show that you'll play 97% better with it in your hands.

Also, the lack of a B-button run makes a few shortcuts that Luigi or the Princess could take in Mario 2 impossible for anybody in Doki Doki Panic, leaving you no choice but to take the long way...

On the other hand, Doki Doki Panic makes up for this with the absence of something else that's exclusive to Mario games.

No shrinkage
In Mario 2, when you have one hit remaining, you turn into a midget... but your head remains the same size. This is bad news for Luigi, whose head looks like it's THIS close to falling off. In Doki Doki Panic, this is not an issue. Your whole body stays the same size, no matter how much you get the crap beaten out of you.

Crappy animation
A few tiny little details show that Super Mario Bros. 2 was actually an upgrade of Doki Doki Panic, not just a graphics hack. Check out the difference between Albatoss's flight pattern in the two games.

LEFT: Super Mario Bros. 2
   Albatoss takes 7 frames per flap.
RIGHT: Doki Doki Panic
   This Albatoss only takes 2 frames. It's what the Mario 2 Albatoss would look like under a strobe light.

LEFT: Super Mario Bros. 2
   Notice that the grass roots, vine, cherries, & potion are all animated.
RIGHT: Doki Doki Panic
   It seems that the Arabs have been deprived of any & all wind. Nothing moves, the grass roots are colored black, & instead of a potion to create a door to Sub-Space, they uncover a magic lamp. What's with all this junk planted in the ground? Have the people of Subcon not discovered the wonders of recycling, & thus live on a giant landfill? Actually, wait a minute...

They've planted stuff in solid ice! And it appears that someone planted an entire rocket in a stone structure held up by a cloud! I take it back. The people of Subcon are the greatest farmers & architects the world has ever known. While we're at it, notice that the water in Doki Doki Panic doesn't move, either.

BOM
You'll recall that when a bomb explodes in Mario 2, the explosion reads "BOMB," just so there isn't any confusion as to what just exploded. In Doki Doki Panic, the explosion reads "BOM," which is both more Japanese & more fun to say. BOM!

Decapitated heads
In Mario 2, you'll occasionally come across a turtle shell that slides along the ground to wipe out any bad guys in its path. In Doki Doki Panic, you uncover a giant decapitated head. Some poor, unsuspecting native looks like he was in a pretty good mood right before someone snuck up & sliced off his head. Cold-blooded murder seems to be afoot in Subcon. Never mind the fact that you've been tossing midgets into each other all day. You've got kids to rescue.

Even the 1-ups are decapitated heads in Doki Doki Panic... that look just like your character's! Is this supposed to be an extra life or some sort of voodoo curse? Yeah, I know... you picked up heads of Mega Man in his games, but that's different. He's a robot. He's just picking up spare parts. If I dug a head that looked exactly like my own out of the ground, I'd be wetting the bed for the next ten years.

A whole lot of face paint
It appears that before Mario & his friends showed up, the people of Subcon were die-hard Kiss fans. Instead of mushroom blocks, there's giant painted faces. And that's not all. Check out the exit mouth thing.

He sure has a chin on him, doesn't he? While I'm at it, let me show you the Bonus Chance screens.

Now that's just lazy.

Phanto
Phanto was that evil floating mask guy who would chase you whenever you picked up a key. In Mario 2, he had this evil grin on his face. He gave you a reason to be scared of him. In Doki Doki Panic, he doesn't look the slightest big intimidating. Not only does he not start to chase you until you leave the room where the key is, but he doesn't have that menacing evil smile on his face. It's more of a "Dude, I'm so freaking bored, & I look like a mask out of Eyes Wide Shut. That movie was awful." In his defense, avoiding Phanto is a little tougher in Doki Doki Panic, since you can't run.

Seisure-inducing waterfalls
These gifs don't give you a great idea as to what I'm talking about, but the animation of the waterfalls in Doki Doki Panic is about 20 times faster than it is in Mario 2. So if you're epileptic, avoid Worlds 3-1 & 5-1 at all costs!

No Clawgrip
It appears that Clawgrip, the big boss at the end of World 5-3, was created exclusively for Super Mario Bros. 2, because to my surprise, he didn't show up in Doki Doki Panic. Instead, I was greeted by that jerk Mouser again. This time he got smart & put some spikes in his room, & it takes 7 hits to get rid of him. I hate that guy. Seriously.

Finish what you started
Selecting a player is a bit different in Doki Doki Panic. First off, the screen looks appropriately like a book, & the Worlds are called Chapters. Secondly, whoever you choose is who you're stuck with for the entire chapter. In Mario 2, if you finish World 1-1, you can pick someone new for 1-2. Not so in Doki Doki Panic. You have to go all the way until you defeat a boss. And this includes warping. Why? Because in Doki Doki Panic, you don't truly beat the game & save those kids until you defeat Wart with all 4 characters. And here's what happens when you do!

Our heroes gather atop the cage containing the kidnapped children as the Subcons send a comatose Wart crowd surfing to his doom. Then the key to the cage flies directly into the cage. For a dead giant frog, Wart sure has good aim.

The little pet monkey awaits our heroes to return from the evil giant book of doom, & then we see the credits roll as the book is finally closed for good. Hey look, there's a little hologram thingy on the back it. Must have been one of those Harry Potter wizard books.

PLAY THE GAME!
If you have an NES emulator that reads .fds (Famicom Disk System) ROMs, you can experience Dream Factory: Doki Doki Panic for yourself! If you don't, download one from Zophar's Domain. If your computer is fairly new, I recommend either VirtuaNES or FCE Ultra. Or if you have a crappy computer, I suggest downloading FwNES instead. This game will not work with NESticle.

Be sure to read the ReadMe file that comes with the emulator to figure out how to operate FDS games. There's inserting & ejecting involved. DO NOT email me asking how to play the game. Read your emulator's ReadMe.

Dream Factory: Doki Doki Panic
105kb .zip

The zip file also contains a file called disksys.rom that you'll need to put in the same folder as your emulator. And as a special bonus for reading this whole stupid thing, I threw in the Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2 game that we've come to know as the Lost Levels!

And be sure to visit this lonely red Snifit in World 3-3. He's the only red one in the entire game.

"I have no friends."

UPDATE!
For those of you who've been dying to be able to read this article in badly translated French, THE WAIT IS OVER! Click here to read it en français.