The Red Snifit

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The Red Snifit
Subconian's search for meaning
written by Mike on March 8, 2025

I

One.

Just one.

One red Snifit.

In the entire game, this is the only red Snifit.

Seriously. What the hell?

This question and more, tonight on

Unsolved Mysteries

Good evening, I'm Robert Stack.
Mario 2. The story of a world in peril.

The story of a dream about a world in peril.

In a dream he had one night at approximately 1:53 in the morning, Mario encountered a group of socially inept midgets in cloaks & masks. Most of these miniature nightmares showed up in numbers... but one mysteriously had but a single occurance.

Upon scaling a tower in World 3-3 of his oddly sectionalized dream, Mario finds himself face to face with a Snifit cloaked in red. Unlike its brethren, this one didn't hesitate to drop from the ledge it called home to chase after our hero, and perhaps even shoot him in the toe. Mario knew of the red Snifit's existence, but had never actually seen one before. He paused, trying to remember what he had read about them back in his school days. And by "school days," I mean "instruction manual that came with the game."

He remembered reading that it belonged to an elusive "club from evil dreams" called the "8 bits." He didn't know what being from evil dreams entailed, but he knew he didn't like the sound of it. He also knew that wherever evil dreams was, that's where this Snifit was getting its ammunition. There was only one other known member of this underground organization.

Mario knew what he had to do. If he could just find a red Shyguy friendly enough to interrogate, he could solve the mystery of

Well, crap.

Order... order!

This meeting of the "8 bits" will now come to order!

Hey everyone. Glad you could all make it. Frank, if you would go ahead & hand out the minutes of our last meeting to everyone... thank you. Ok, first order of business: if there's anyone here who still has yet to sign up for

Wait!

...?

Oh no.

Sorry I'm late, I got caught in traffic and

Oof!

Oh, sorry Kevin. I didn't see you there. Hey, everyone!

...Steve?

Yeah?

Why are you wearing a gas mask, guy?

Oh! Right, I forgot. It just came today. It's actually a gun mask! It shoots "the bullets of evil dreams!" Pretty sharp, eh?

It looks like a gas mask.

No, you see this little pipe, here? You load the bullets into there, and

The mouth hole is a pipe?

Yeah.

That explains why it smells like Mario crawled up your mouth and died.

(LOL)

No, wait! It's really awesome! You load the bullets in, then you sort of shake a little, like you're having a fit... and

That's great, Steve. Now, if you don't mind, let's get on with the meeting. Now, we are anticipating the arrival of Mario & his allies. As such, we'll need to be on the ready to report to our battle stations. Now, does anyone have any ideas how we can better prepare for... yes, what is it, Steve?

How about gun masks?

What?

We could all wear gun masks. That way, we can just shoot them when they

Nobody cares about your stupid gun mask, Steve! If you want to be a Snifit so badly, then go join the Snifits!

But

Yeah, then you get to wear one of their girly pink robes, girly man!

(LOL)

But I like red. I don't see why I

What's that? I'm sorry, I don't speak whiny Snifit talk. Girl!

(LOL)

I hate you guys.

Look! He's having a fit! What's the matter, Steve? Did I get your panties in a

III

AAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

That was quick.

I really don't think it should've taken them that quickly to get there & back.

Well, they certainly sound like they've had a scare.

AAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Here they come.

Good. Get ready...

Oh... you've got to be kidding me.

What?

Son of a bitch. Guys, you were supposed to go get Mouser. That doesn't look like Mouser to me.

Yeah, about that. Listen. We got like a quarter of the way up, & ran into this thing.

It looks like a Snifit, but it's red & it chases after you!

Whatever. Peach, get ready.

(sigh) Sure.

There. He's trapped behind that mushroom block. Now will someone please tell me what happened up... Luigi! You got shrunk?!

That little guy's a fighter, man. He shot me in the toe!

Uh-huh. Alright, are we ready to try this again?

Yes! But first... let's see who this red Snifit REALLY IS!

WTF

Oh, no way!

Yes way, Toad! It's the old king of the Ice World that got turned into a seal!

Yes, and I would've gotten away with it, too... if it weren't for you meddling

TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!

Day after day, it sits there.

I wonder if it knows I'm watching it.

06 Mar 2025

For weeks, I have been studying this strange creature from afar. It looks like a Snifit, but its coat is red... almost blood red, like that of a common Shyguy. I am almost certain that it must be the fabled "missing link" that separates Snifitkind from the Shyguys. Whatever it is, it is surely like no other minor enemy character ever seen. My progress has been short, but I may very well be on the verge of a biological breakthrough! How exciting!

07 Mar 2025

Still nothing.

I have been hoping to study the creature's behavioral patterns, in order to get a better understanding of the creature... perhaps to see whether it leans more towards Snifit or Shyguy. Alas, it has barely done so much as spit an occasional bullet in the air, at no one. A certain sign of loneliness. It must be aware that it may very well be the only one of its kind. I can hardly fathom the emptiness it must feel inside.

08 Mar 2025

I am ready. Today, I will attempt to interact with the creature. I am still unsure as to how I'll be able to get its attention, but I believe the answer will OH NO IT'S THE PRINCESS!

Amazing! The Princess's sudden arrival is just the diversion I was hoping for! The creature sees her and has actually jumped from its ledge onto the one below it! I've never seen such fearlessness from a Snifit being! It charges at the Princess, hesitates to take a shot, and... wait... oh shit.

V

Maybe it

Wait, no. A Native American supremacist wouldn't carry a gun.

You don't belong here.

There's still a chance for you to get away.

I'm terribly sorry, but I think you've mistaken me for someone else.

Please don't be foolish about this. You must leave at once.

Who are you?

It doesn't matter. You must go.

Will you come with me?

That's impossible.

Is there no way I can ever see you again?

No. We must never meet again. It could cost your life and mine.

Will you dance with me?

Sir, your cab driver has requested to see you in the lobby. He has a question.

....

Oh shi-

Password.

....

Password?

....

Won't you be kind enough to tell me the password of the level?

Sorry. It looks like I must have forgotten it.

The password, sir! I must demand that you give it!

Look, I'm terribly sorry, but it was my understanding that this game didn't have a password system, & that you had to start from the beginning every time your game was over.

That's unfortunate. For here, it doesn't matter whether you have thought differently, or if you never knew it.

Well, gentlemen, I seem to owe you all an apology. You must excuse me now. I am leaving.

I'm afraid that is no longer possible.

Gentlemen, don't you think this game has gone far enough?

You will kindly remove your mask.

....