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The 50 Worst Halloween Costumes of 2005
written by B, Jon, Mike & Nick on January 25, 2026
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1. A HIPPIE
I was this for three straight years in high school, because it was during my "Hey look I'm wearing a tie-dyed shirt with Grateful Dead bears on it even though I don't really listen to the Grateful Dead that much but oh man those blacklight posters at Spencer Gifts are so awesome" phase. It ran simultaneously with my "I'm too cool for kiddie stuff like dressing up for Halloween" phase, which fell in between my "Dressing up for Halloween is awesome because candy" phase, & my "Dressing up for Halloween is awesome because old=lol" phase. So I got lazy & just wore my normal hippie poseur getup with a headband & called it a night.
2. AN ABSTRACT PAINTING
Paint a bunch of different colored lines & squares & dots on a blank T-shirt. Then when people answer the door & say they don't understand, shrug them off & go "Pfft, you WOULDN'T!"
3. JASON VOORHEES
What's the matter, Billy? It's the day before Halloween, & you still haven't picked out a costume? Not to worry! All you need is a hockey mask from the Dollar Store, & you'll be instantly transformed into everyone's favorite death-defying mass murderer from Friday the 13th! You lazy piece of crap. Maybe next year you can cut a bunch of holes in a bed sheet & go as Charlie Brown.
4. MYSPACE.COM UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE
Just draw a Pac-Man board on your shirt & apologize at every house that they can't look at pictures of people cuter than them that they'll never meet at the present time.
5. HALF A TUXEDO WITH BOXER SHORTS & SANDALS OR SOMETHING
"Trick or treat! I'm a semi-formal lol~!"
6. MITCH WILLIAMS
In 1993, the Philadelphia Phillies lost the World Series when Joe Carter of the Toronto Blue Jays hit a game-winning home run off of relief pitcher Mitch "the Wild Thing a quote from Major League the movie" Williams. A week later, I saw at least 5 kids in the Philly suburbs dressed as #99 for Halloween. One had a lightning bolt going through his hat. Most of the others had scars & a black eye painted on their faces, conveying the idea that they were beaten by fans. So young, & yet so bitter over a sports contest. At least when I went as a baseball player, I just went as a nonspecific, dead zombie baseball player with dead zombie makeup on my face.
7. A DEAD ZOMBIE BASEBALL PLAYER WITH DEAD ZOMBIE MAKEUP ON YOUR FACE
8. GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN
Wear a bow on your head & a box around you with a tag that says "TO: Women, FROM: God." Don't forget to smile like you're the first person to ever think of that joke.
9. CHRISSY'S IMAGINARY FRIEND, IKE, FROM "GROWING PAINS"
Yes, that's Mike Fireball, age 7. For a reason I seem to have successfully blocked out of my memory, I decided to go trick-or-treating as a nondescript mouse wearing the largest bow tie ever. You can almost see the embarrassment on my little brother Zorro's face. In retrospect, it reminds me of that one episode where Chrissy Seaver invents a rude & mischievous imaginary friend, a 6-foot tall mouse who looks frighteningly similar to her brother, Mike, if he was a giant rodent. Having Mike & Ike in her room at the same time sure was a great Kirk camera trick!
10. THAT ONE HOUSE WHERE NOBODY'S HOME
Put down your bag of candy on the front porch, along with a sign that says "I am not here at the moment. Please feel free to give me ONLY ONE piece of candy. Happy Halloween! :)" Then knock on the door, run around the side of the house & hide.
11. JIMMY FALLON
Bring a guitar with you to every door & start singing a bad parody of the new Third Eye Blind song about Halloween. Get about halfway through & then start cracking up laughing. Bonus points if you complete your costume by getting a really hot friend of yours to dress up as Tina Fey & be 30 times funnier than you every time she opens her mouth.
12. A HAMBURGER DRESSED AS MARIO
hey guys, /hats going on in this costume?
HATS GOING ON HAMBURGERS IN THIS COSTUME13. A BROKEN NINTENDO GAME
Get a blank shirt & draw the title screen of your favorite video game & the words "PUSH START" on it. Then take a black piece of posterboard with you, & when you knock on a door, hold it up to your face. When someone answers, lower the posterboard & say "Trick or," then hold it back up to your face again. Do this about 5 times, then suggest that they try blowing onto the candy before they put it into your bag. When they do that, do the same thing & say it didn't work. After about 3 or 4 tries, you can go ahead & say "Trick or Treat!" with a big smile on your face as you wait for them to give you more candy.
14. AN ANT THE SIZE OF A SMALL CHILD WEARING A BASEBALL HAT & SWEATSHIRT WITH HIS STUPID, ALLITERATING NAME ON IT
Dude what was wrong with me?
15. GEORGE W. BUSH WITH A HITLER MUSTACHE & A SWASTIKA ON HIS FOREHEAD
Exit polls show that trick-or-treating as the President dressed as the final boss in Bionic Commando instantly decreases your projected amount of loot by more than half. 50.75% of houses will be guaranteed to not give you candy. They will, however, probably ask who your parents are, & your folks will be so embarassed when they get phone calls about it, that they'll disown you & deny that you even live there by saying "Not MY Resident!"
- Mike
mike @ progressiveboink.com
AIM: mike fireball 0
16. GRATINGLY ANNOYING FRIEND OF PARENTS WHO SAYS "IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE" AT EVERY CONCEIVABLE JUNCTURE
You were ten years old and your parents had a bunch of friends over. Maybe you were walking through the room and spilled your drink, or maybe you and your brother were play-fighting, or maybe you were nearby and doing something completely nondescript. You could always count on that yuppie asshole to jokingly chide, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" much to the delight of the fellow partygoers.
Dress in khaki slacks and a yellow button-down shirt. When someone answers the door, say "IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE" continuously until he or she hands you candy. If you happen upon Kirby Puckett's house, follow the above steps and then kick him in the balls.
17. THE HOUSE AT WHICH YOU ARE CURRENTLY TRICK-OR-TREATING
Knock. When homeowner answers, ask him or her to step on the porch with you, then run inside and slam the door. Lock all entrances to the house. Drill two eyeholes in the front door.
18. DEBBIE'S MOTHER FROM HIT TELEVISION SHOW "24"
After getting candy, explain that you're looking for your daughter. Frantically exclaim that the television heard from inside the house sounds just like your daughter's television.
19. BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Say, "Trick or treat!" Eat piece of candy on the spot. Repeat this twelve more times. When you receive the final piece of candy, choke on it.
20. (AMBIGUOUS)
Wear a completely random assortment of clothes. When people ask who you are supposed to be, inform them that you are either a homeless person, a crazy person, a weird person, a bum, or a weird guy. Stare at the ground and mumble sheepishly when you talk.
21. ALEX RODRIGUEZ
You: Trick or treat!
Person at door: Here you go! (moves to put candy in bag)
You: (smacks candy out of hand) Trick or treat!
Person at door: I already gave...oh, fine. (moves to put candy in bag)
You: (smacks candy out of hand) Trick or treat!
Person at door: You're a cheating, pathetic sellout loser.
You: Correct!22. FRONT PORCH
Ring the bell, then lie face-down in front of the door. Disregard homeowner's half-spirited inquiry into your well-being, as well as the Sweet Tarts he or she tosses on your motionless body. Remain motionless. Die.
23. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN IRAQ
In case you want to make tiresome political commentary. Or streak.
24. AN RPG MERCHANT
You: Trick or treat!
Person at door: Here you go!
You: Hey, I managed to swipe this stuff from the prison guard. I've got a lockpick, an EMP grenade, and a health kit. Want 'em? I can let go of the lockpick for...oh...200 credits. The grenade's 500 credits, and the health kit's 100 credits. Or I'll give you all three for 700 credits.You hold up a sign that says the following:
"Sure, I'll take the health kit."
"Yeah, give me the lockpick. That may come in handy later."
"I'll take the EMP grenade. Never know when I might need a little extra firepower."
"I'll take them all."
"No thanks, perhaps I'll check back later."Person at door: Uhh...right. Here's some candy.
You: (stares)(Long pause)
Person at door: OH! Oh. Okay. (points to "No thanks, perhaps I'll check back later.")
You: Suit yourself! I'll be right here if you decide that you need it later.(Long pause)
Person at door: Uh...you're not going to stay there all night, are you?
You: Hey, I managed to swipe this stuff from the prison guard. I've got a lockpick, an EMP grenade, and a health kit. Want 'em? I can let go of the lockpick for...oh...200 credits. The grenade's 500 credits, and the health kit's 100 credits. Or I'll give you all three for 700 credits.
Person at door: (hits "2" for "Stealth Pistol", shoots you in face)25. POLICE OFFICER WHO REGRETFULLY INFORMS OF RELATIVE'S DEATH
Approach the door in a police officer's uniform with hat in hand and give the door a couple of sober knocks. Regretfully inform whoever answers the door that his or her mother was shot to death by a drunk driver. As he or she weeps, put hands behind back, stare at shoes, bite lip, and shift weight from your heels to your toes once every couple of seconds to achieve a rocking motion. Give him or her about a minute, then explain that your police hat is actually serving as your candy bag so as to preserve the effect more.
- Jon
jonbois@gmail.com
AIM: Boiskov
26. THE 2003 WORLD SERIES
Hold up a picture taken sometime during the first inning of game 1 for a minute or two, and then switch to a picture of King of Queens or 60 Minutes.
27. A FREE IPOD
Beg people to sign up underneath your name so as you can receive yourself.
28. A COLLEGE STUDENT
Drink a beer.
29. HALO 2
Brandish a paper marked "F" in bright red lettering along with an official notice of academic probation.
30. THE DAY IN WHICH YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALL YOUR WORK DONE
Carry around a laptop and check people's away messages/profiles on someone's front doorstep for a solid six-and-a-half hours.
31. A FIREWALL
When offered candy reach out to grab it but never grasp it, only allowing it to fall to the ground. If the suggestive party asks why this is happening tell them you "have no idea" and continue as before until they grow tired and abort.
32. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
Dress up as the kid next door to you, because he's probably dressing up as Napoleon Dynamite too.
33. XBOX
SUCH A COSTUME IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE GIVEN PLATFORM GAMING SYSTEM IS TOO LARGE TO IMITATE.
34. KEN GRIFFEY, JR.
After approaching the first door FLAWLESSLY fall down and break your kneecap. Convince everyone that you're a-ok and repeat at each house.
35. VIRGINIA
Walk from door to door and inform people that you only sell alcohol between the hours of 3:13 and 4:55 p.m.- Nick
ndall@vtech.edu
AIM: Water And Coffee
36. MY (ADOPTED) AUNT CANDY
Wear a house dress tucked into a pair of blue jeans and then make your house smell like a weird mixture of cigarette smoke and damp. Seriously, everything in her house was damp. I didn't want to sleep on her couch because it smelled like my hand after I've wiped my butt.One time when I was eight years old I was sleeping under her bed and thought the room was too cold, so I looked under the bed for an extra blanket. What I found were two empty packages of Oreos and what I now know to be a used condom. I just thought it was a sticky balloon.
37. A STICKY BALLOON
AND THEN I PLAYED AND PLAYED
38. BERNIE TAUPIN IN THE LOST GALAXY
Hey man, I'm writing some really great old songs for Elton John.
BUT NOW I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME
39. A WENDY'S EMPLOYEE DEDICATED TO MAKING HAMBURGERS THE WAY DAVE THOMAS WOULD WANT THEM
Purchase 10-15 Classics Double with Cheese from your local Wendy's. They're great, even late! Now scoop piles of dirt on them. Go to the maggot store (or wherever you can find quality maggots) and mix them in with the lettuce and tomato. Now leave them out in the sun all day.Approach the house and knock on the door. Give a long-winded speech about how much Dave Thomas meant to the food service industry and explain that even in death he should be given the chance to innovate. Try to see how many people you can guilt into taking a bite of your dirty maggot sandwich.
40. THIS POST
You can
OH GOD
