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The 50
Worst Halloween Costumes.
This
list gives me Goosebumps
written by Jon, Nick,
and B - january 27 - 2004
Hey there, reader. I've divided my list into two sections, the blatantly stupid and the somewhat achievable. The first 10 should be scratched off your list immediately, the remaining ten, though just as bad, might be fun.
Enjoy.
1. A CLUMP OF SOD
You would probably think kids these days would have the common
sense not to wear dirt and mower clippings as a costume, but I
wouldn't put anything past these idiots. The problem would be
that half of the kids you pass from house to house would eat you,
BECAUSE THEY'RE THAT STUPID THAT THEY THINK DIRT IS PROPER
NUTRITION.
2. A NEWS ANCHOR
That fact that nobody would ever recognize you should be reason
enough, but in case you're still thinking about it I'll spell it
out for you. News anchors went out with teletubbies, just like
yo-yos. Get with the times, man, nobody watches the news anymore,
if you want to be somebody important go with Kirby Puckett or
Eminem.
3. SCAR TISSUE
You do not get extra candy for making people throw up.
4. THE LETTER
"O"
I do not believe in two costumes; store bought costumes and half
assed costumed that usually involve tape. If you were going to
dress up as the letter "O" I would fully expect you to
go the extra mile and hollow out your stomach wall through the
small of your back. Since you would lose half of your spinal
chord in the process, I do not see this happening.
5. A CD
See above.
6. A TANK OF
PROPANE GAS
The risk of being incinerated unmercifully is nothing in
comparison to thirteen hundred people asking "HEY ARE YOU
HANK HILL?" You're better off just lighting a match. Or
going as something else…
7. THE OPPOSITE
SEX
Sure, you put on a dress as a gag on Halloween, make some
strangers laugh, but before you know it you're sneaking out of
church to catch the sale at Macy's. God is not a fan of this. I
don't think God is a fan of much. Maybe shoelaces, they seem to
be on the level.
8. ANY COSTUME
THAT MAY LEAD TO POOR VOICE IMPRESSIONS
There is nothing more pathetic than a kid with two chocolate
rabbits taped to his head saying "Trick Or Treat" in
the worst Bullwinkle voice ever. This list includes but is not
limited to: Arnold, Strong Bad, and R2-D2.
9. A CAR
Not that going out as a car wouldn't be cool x 2, just the inconvenience of going up to each doorstep, and the many lawsuits that would entail. Also given that there would be some odd 100,000 kids leaping underneath your tires at every opportune moment.
10. CHARLES
MANSON
Paint on a scrappy beard, carve a swastika on your forehead, and
get your friend to go as The Beach Boys. Thing is people might be
reluctant to give candy to a child DRESSED AS CHARLES MANSON.
They'll turn you over to social services, of course. The same
goes for any symbol of evil. (omg here comes the Rosie O'Donnel
joke).
The following are just some dumb ideas, not nearly as bad as those depicted above. Knock yourselves out, kiddies.
11. VARIOUS
PROGRESSIVE BOINK WRITERS
We're fun to go as for Halloween tricks and treats! Follow these
easy steps to be your favorite writer!
B - Wear a wrestling mask. Don't self-asphyxiate, friend!
Emily - Two pillows in your shirt and lots of eyeliner.
Jon - Break into each house and steal the silverware.
Nick - Wear all black and get hit by a car.
12. A DIABETIC
"Do you have any sugar free licorice?"
"No, just Butterfingers."
" : - ( "
13. A 56k MODEM
Go to someone's front door and ring the bell. They open the door
and see a kid in a cardboard box with two eyeholes. Wait 4-6
minutes and say "trick or treat". Receive the candy,
wait another 4-6 minutes and say "thank-you".
14. A
TELEMARKETER
In place of the customary "trick or treat" ask them if
they're interested in subscribing to the local newspaper. Upon
the inevitable "No" follow up with a list of facts of
the newspaper. Whatever you do, do not let them shut the door.
Each house should at least take you 15 minutes. If you're lucky
you can get 5 houses by the end of the night.
15. A DARTBOARD
Take an ordinary white trash bag a draw out the scoring grid of a
standard dartboard. When the person opens their door, have your
friends throw darts towards the bullseye.
16. A PEEPING TOM
Wear a pair of torn up old sweatpants and a white tank top.
Instead of ringing the doorbell, just look in the windows of each
house until they spot you, and then run. Try staging yourself in
different locations, such as in a tree with binoculars or in some
bushes with no pants on.
17. TOM GREEN
Do whatever anyone tells you to do ever, no matter how small the
payoff. Even if it loses you your family and self-respect, if it
will make one person laugh in pity, do it.
18. DON ZIMMER
Dress in proper Yankee attire, and then dive head first through
each person's front door. Bonus points if it's glass.
19. WINDOWS
Create several 2'x4' cards with various error messages. When
someone says they "do not understand" hand them a copy
of "Windows for Dummies" and just wait to get candy.
20. THE GUY TOO
BUSY TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE TO TAKE CARE OF THE MATTER AT HAND
Very simple, really. Just knock on a door, and when they open it,
hold up your index finger signaling "one second, plz"
while you carry on with your conversation. After a few seconds,
realize that the conversation will take too long, and hold out
your bag for them to put candy in. Then hold up an open hand as
if to say "thanks".
- Nick
nick@progressiveboink.com
21. SUICIDE BOMBER
On the plus side, your crusade against this unholy holiday would place you at the right hand of Jesus in Heaven, and Jerry Falwell would mail your family a check. On the minus side, you’d better make sure you have your bomb vest wired right, or you’re in for one awkward silence!
22. ANY BLACK PERSON (IF YOU’RE NOT BLACK)
Every Halloween from 1990 through 1993, my parents had to talk me out of being M.C. Hammer. I even had Hammer pants and everything. I fucking wanted to wear blackface. Eight-year-olds are stupid.
23. CAMERAMAN
Get a professional video camera, with a tripod and everything. Set it up facing the door, then knock. Film them in silence.
24. AUTO CARE SUPERCENTER
I tried many a time, but the logistics and physical properties of such an undertaking deem it impossible. An auto care supercenter must be properly stocked and equipped to respond to a diverse range of automotive consumer needs – everything from oil filters, to tires, to windshield wiper fluid. Few people realize this before attempting to wear an “auto care supercenter” costume.
25. THAT ONE MONK WHO IMMOLATED HIMSELF IN PROTEST
Fire hurts!!!!!! Also, prepare to be disappointed when everybody thinks you’re supposed to be the guy on the cover of that Pink Floyd album.
WISH
YOU WERE HERE NOT A
VICTIM OF A POLITICAL OPPRESSION QUEER! OH
WAIT YOU ARE LOL
26. GRUMPY ASSHOLE WHO DOESN’T GIVE OUT ANY CANDY
Step 1: Set up
recliner, small generator, and TV in someone’s front yard.
Step 2: Ring doorbell.
Step 3: When someone answers door, yell at them that you
don’t have any candy, and that if they don’t leave you
the fuck alone, you’re calling the cops.
Step 4: Grumble some obscenities as you hobble back to your
recliner, and turn up the volume on CSI.
27. CANDY MALDONADO
It would be the best costume ever, were you not playing to an audience of fools. Nobody remembers Candy Maldonado, so they would not understand your joke when you said, “I would like some ME” instead of “I would like some candy.” And in the rare instance that you go to the house of someone who does remember Candy Maldonado (like maybe Candy Maldonado), he’ll ask you why you would say “I would like some candy” rather than “trick or treat”, much less “I would like some ME”.
28. RADIO SHACK SALES ASSOCIATE
You’ll ask for candy, and they’ll say, “Nah…I’m just looking around.” Stupid mall-store browsers. QUIT FINGERING THE MERCHANDISE AND MAKE A PURCHASE.
29. A “PENNY ARCADE” COMIC STRIP
YOU. Trick
or treat!
GUY AT DOOR. Wait, what’s the joke?
X-Boxes are big? Oh, and you like to masturbate.
Cool!
YOU. *grins*
GUY AT DOOR. *slams door*
YOU. *grins*
30. TOOTH
A tooth accepting a piece of candy is like a Jew accepting Adolf Hitler.
31. GOD
Place an offering plate on the doorstep, ring the bell, step back, and hide in the bushes. Call out the following:
“I AM GOD. YOU DO NOT SEE ME. BUT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE WIND? YET YOU SEE THE EFFECTS OF THE WIND, DO YOU NOT? YOU NOW HAVE PROOF OF MY EXISTENCE. I AM ALSO ALL-POWERFUL. NOW GIVE ME TWENTY DOLLARS, I NEED TO BUILD A CHURCH.”
Think it’s a good idea? Well, let’s see if you still think so when God strikes you down with lightning. Talk about a burning bush!
oh wait I should have saved that for a vagina joke. SHIT
32. MARIO DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER
Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka sends word that he isn’t sure what this is, but that he’s fairly sure it should be illegal.
33. BASKETBALL GOAL
34. SLACKER KID ON SKATEBOARD
The only thing lazier than a ghost costume is no costume at all. I lived next to this kid who just decided not to dress up one year. His story was that he was a “kid on a skateboard”. He just put all the candy in his backpack. If I were giving out candy I wouldn’t have put up with that shit, and eventually he finally came across a discerning eye.
JON AND BRANDON.
Trick or treat!
GUY AT DOOR. Who the hell are you supposed to be?
JON. Santa.
GUY AT DOOR. No, you.
BRANDON. A kid.
GUY AT DOOR. What? You’ve got to do
better than that.
BRANDON. Oh. Uhh…The ninja from 3 Ninjas.
GUY AT DOOR. Which one? (sigh) Oh, what the
fuck. Whatever. (tosses Tootsie Roll in backpack)
BRANDON. Hi-ya!
35. GHOST
If you decide to be a ghost for Halloween, it’s probably because your idiot parents bought you those coloring books that magically turned the right color when you painted water on them, instead of a blank piece of paper and some crayons. You’re completely devoid of creativity. As a result, you dressed up as a ghost for Halloween as a child, and wrote a bunch of poems in high school English that rhymed “rain” and “again”. I bet you’re right-handed, too, you fuck-up.
I must have been in third grade when I watched a special at school about having a safe Halloween. It demonstrated that kids who dressed up as ghosts were at great risk, since the eye holes in your sheet are usually too small to allow for peripheral vision. So if you dress up as a ghost, you’ll get run over by a car and die so you can spend eternity roaming the Earth, conveniently enough, in your ghost costume. You know, if your parents had raised you right you could have been a Transformer-geist or something,
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov
36.
BERNIE TAUPIN
Buy a book of Mad Libs. You know the ones, where they give
you a story with a bunch of blanks for nouns, verbs, and so on,
and you randomly fill them out and hilarity ensues. Okay,
now put on some big sunglasses and go around to each house.
When they answer the door, pat them on the shoulder and hand them
a Mad Lib. Demand that they sing it on command. If
they do, you get the equivalent of any Bernie Taupin song.
Not a goddamn one of them makes good sense. "If I were
a sculptor, but then again, no?" My fucking waterbaby
little cousin could write a better song lyric than that. If
candy-giver doesn't sing, ball up the paper, throw it at their
head, and storm off in a triumphant,
you'll-never-work-in-this-town-again gay storm.
37. ZOMBIE BERNIE TAUPIN
Do the exact same thing as listed above, only with torn clothes
and fake wounds all over your head. Fill in all Mad Lib
categories with variations on "AAARGH" and
"BRAINS."
38. ZOMBIE NINJA BERNIE TAUPIN
Do the exact same things listed in 36 and 37, only in the shadow
of darkness. If candy-giver refuses to sing, throw down a
smoke-ball and stagger off stiffly in the confusion.
Learning to say the word "BRAINS" in Japanese is a
plus.
39. ROBOT BERNIE TAUPIN
Yeah, okay, sorry.
40. CRAZY MR. ANYTHING FACE/HEAD
"NOW GIMME SOME CAN-DAY!" This equals any time
Jimmy Fallon touches a guitar as the most unfunny thing
possible. This is almost as bad as the kids who go as
serial killers because they "look just like everybody
else," but made worse by wiggly fingered "ah googity
goo" dumb person noises and the signature cross-eyed Adam
Sandler scream. The only time this is acceptable is if you
go to Adam Sandler's house for Halloween. Knock on his
door, and when he answers hold a copy of "Mr. Deeds" up
to your forehead and say "I'M CRAZY MISTER BAD ADAM SANDLER
ROMANTIC COMEDY HEAD, NOW GIVE ME SOME CANDY." Extra
points if he does his disingenuous soft-spoken "heh heh,
okay there fella" voice.
41. THE ROCK BAND "BOSTON"
OH HELL NO. NOBODY ROCKS LIKE BOSTON. DON'T EVEN TRY
IT.
42. THE GUY IN CHARGE OF SPELLING AT RADIO SHAQ
SHACK
Go trick-or-treating at Shaquille O'Neal's giant Superman-themed
rapidly unrealistic self-image home. When he answers the
door, give him a stern look. State firmly, "I'm the
one in charge of spelling at Radio Shack. Do you think it's
funny?" Chances are his brain doesn't work fast enough
to make the connection, but it'd be damn personally
satisfying. Super bonus points if he throws one of those
wide-turn girl punches he throws because he's eight feet tall and
has never been in a real fight before.
43. MARIO DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER
Holy shit, did you
see that thing? Fuckin' A.
44. THE 24-ENTHUSIAST WHO SAW TONY ETHER CHAPELLE
LAST SEASON TO KNOCK HIM OUT AND WANTS TO TRY IT BUT DOESN'T
ACTUALLY WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE PHYSICAL OR FINANCIAL HARM
Buy a rag. Buy some ether. Knock on the door.
When the person answers, leap onto them with the ether-soaked rag
and choke 'em out. Don't do anything else. Don't even
take anymore candy. Just haul ass in the other direction
and leave them lying there on the front porch. Enjoy the
experience. And if you've got any ether left in the bottle,
use it to replenish magic points.
45. A BIG SLAM
Go as any of the thousands of wrestling moves available to the
wrestling industry. This could mean a spinebuster, an Ace
Crusher, or even a clothesline. Go trick-or-treating with
veteran WWE play-by-play analyst Jim Ross. No matter what
you choose you're going to be a big slam.
46. ANYONE FROM THE CAST OF HOME MOVIES
"uh, uh, yeah but uh, you know I..."
"well, yeah I know but, well, you..."
"well I know I do, but you dont know about uh"
"well, no, no, hold on I might know about..."
NOT FUNNY
FUTURAMA PLZ
47. PARIS HILTON
ISN'T SHE SKANKY I MEAN I KNOW
The easy parts of this costume are the ability to pose constantly
and store a small dog in a bag. The difficult part of this
costume is finding somebody horrifying enough on the inside to
accompany you as Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.
48. BOW WOW WOW
Going as the popular 80's group is easy! Just shave random
parts of your head and wear huge ill-fitting tank tops.
Dance around like you're Renee Zelwegger rocking out atop Empire
Records. Knock on the door. When it is answered,
don't hold out your bag. Just smile and say "Our hit
song." If the person never got twenty great hits by
their original artists!!!!!...just stare and repeat "OUR HIT
SONG" in a louder, slower voice. If they still don't
get it, fade into obscurity. Then let Aaron Carter eat all
of your candy.
49. MARIO DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER
Ha, holy shit that's
a bad costume. Don't go as that.
50. SUPER SAIYAN BERNIE TAUPIN
Dye your hair blonde, then do all of the things you read in
#36. But scream whenever you speak, and take like seven
hours to knock on the door.