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Sunday Comics Review
written by Jon - july 20 - 2004

I spent last Sunday morning, as I do every Sunday morning, sitting down in my favorite chair and waiting for my faithful dog to fetch me the newspaper.  I then fell on my ass and collapsed on the floor since I do not have a favorite chair, where I remained for the rest of the day since I do not have a dog.  Upon returning home from work, B and Emily spent approximately three hours poking me with a stick and speculating as to whether or not I was dead.  Here is my review of this Sunday's Comics section.

AGNES

I get two panels into this comic, and already I'm assaulted with an inexplicable continuity error.  Panel #1: Food is in the process of cooking.  Panel #2: Crudely drawn hominids decide that they will bake food.  It's reminiscent of the movie Memento, in which Joe Pantoliano's character gets shot to death at the beginning, and then IS WALKING AROUND IN THE NEXT SCENE like nothing happened. 

In addition, there is a laughably bad error in the last panel.  I have taken the liberty of correcting said error.

SALLY FORTH

That silly, stupid Sally Forth is at it again.  Women are irrational and tend to engage in bizarre activities such as taking proper precautions and not getting melanoma.  Her tumor-headed husband can only shake his head and laugh at his wife's silly shenanigans, which include applying sunscreen and wearing a hat.  She entertains the whimsical fancy of not dying of arm cancer like Sallies First, Second and Third did.  Perhaps he's just jealous of her new friend, the giant weightless floating bottle of sunscreen, who Sally can only see when she puts on her sunglasses. 

THIS COMIC SURE DOES SUCK HUH SHCOOBA SHTEEVE

ZITS

Zits is a truly monumental comic.  It is the only comic to be the 493rd comic to opine that kids are retards.  In fact, it has inspired me to write a sitcom, titled "IS IT NOT FUNNY THAT ADOLESCENTS ARE IN MANY WAYS DIFFERENT FROM ADULTS".  Below is an excerpt from the pilot episode.

FAMILY sits at the dinner table.

Mother.  Kids, eat your vegetables!
Kids.  AWW GROSS
Father.  You know, I grew up in a different period in history, and believe it or not, things are not exactly the same as they are right now!
Kids.  When was that, Dad?  WHEN DINOSAURS WALKED THE EARTH?
Father. (chuckles) So Billy, have you asked Susie to the big dance yet?
Sister.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.  BIL-LY HAS A GIRL-FRIEND.
Father. You know kids, someday you might not think that the opposite sex is so bad.  When I first met your mother I didn't think much of her, but then she let me stick my penis into her vagina.
Kids.  (giggling) AWW MAN!  SCARRED FOR LIFE!
 

NON SEQUITUR

Cartoonist Wiley Miller should have left this strip on the Miller Genuine Drafting board.  The strip promises to be "non sequitur", yet I am in fact able to trace a logically sound storyline and recognize the appropriateness of each element within.  They should hire someone who actually knows the definition of "non sequitur". 

HI & LOIS

"Hi & Lois" has been around for decades, and has strayed little from the winning formula of MAN WHO LIKES TO PLAY GOLF AND EAT EDIBLES.  It's obvious from the location and relative position of the characters that this conversation was protracted over a period of at least a few minutes, which indicates that golf is gay and boring.

Again, I believe that a revision is in order.

MUTTS

You know, I can relate to this poor cartoonist.  Like him, I face a deadline, and have to produce a post by Tuesday.  Sometimes I start a little early because I have a good idea of what I want to post about.  Other times I don't get started until 1:00 Tuesday morning, and I end up having to slap together the LiveJournal of a shingle on the roof of the house of baseball legend Mark Gubicza.  But shit, at least I give the impression that I actually care about what I put up.  I don't remember "Mutts" as being a particularly bad comic, but there is honestly no joke in this strip.  Obviously, Patrick McDonnell completely did not give a fuck this week. 

This is what my articles look like when I wait until 1:00 on Tuesday morning to start.

And finally...

THE CALVIN & HOBBES SUNDAY COMIC WE WISH WE HAD

One of "Calvin & Hobbes"' greatest attributes was its artwork.  It's too often overlooked these days -- it seems as though half the comic strips drawn these days are intentionally drawn to look shitty.  But Bill Watterson's artistic quality is so great that it truly deserves to be framed.  Of particular note in this strip is the starkly-drawn water that's being sucked into the spaceship, the sharp-looking flying saucer with the hilarious loudspeaker that sits on the jack-in-the-box hinge, and the the strip layout in general.  Watterson fought for years over formatting rights; he saw a Sunday strip as a piece of personal expression rather than a seven-panel joke box. 

Not to mention the story itself.  In general, newspaper cartoons are a morass of pathetic cliché and tired humor, and the Greg Walkers and Terry Scotts should take a good look at strips like these that dare to be different and awesome, and succeed at both.  Hobbes' opinion that it is somehow not far-fetched enough is the icing on the cake.

God, I miss this comic.  More than anything else. 

- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov

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