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| The Progressive
Boinks, Part II |
Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to Oriole Park in Camden Yards for Major League Baseball's Opening Day 2008! I'm ESPN's Chris Berman, & with me is a legend here in Baltimore... the biochemically preserved head of Chuck Thompson! Great to be here, Chris! Today's opening matchup is one for the history books, friends. The Orioles are hosting George Steinbrenner's defending World Champion New York Yankees, who have finally reached a budget large enough to build & employ robot clones of the entire 2007 roster, controlled by the actual players from the dugout via Remote Control. That's right, Chris. The players whisper what they want their robotic selves to do to the Yankees' new robot switchboard operator, TV's Colin Quinn. But another big change this year is that the O's were bought out during the off-season by author B. Thompson Stroud, who wrote the original novel version of last year's summer blockbuster, Seven Hill City, which nearly swept the Academy Awards earlier this year! Yeah, & it would've batted 1.000 at the Oscars if it weren't for Dakota Fanning's stellar performance in last year's remake of Taxi Driver. You aren't kidding, Chuck! But what's interesting about Baltimore's club this year is that upon purchasing the franchise, Stroud fired the entire 2007 team, replacing them with himself and his closest friends! Another interesting fact, Chris, is that Stroud was shopping around all during the off-season. The public was aware that he was looking to buy a baseball team. Rumors were circling that he was actually going to buy the Florida Marlins, move them to the American League, & change their name to the Miami Alligators. But he later decided against that, citing something about them losing to the Cubs in the World Series 7 years down the road. Hah, Cubs in the World Series. You're a riot, Chuck!
Turns out that Stroud ended up buying out the Orioles for several reasons. Number one, it's the closest team to his native Virginia. Number two, the classic orange, black & white color scheme of Baltimore's uniforms apparently matches the color scheme of an old website of his that he used to run a few years back. A website? Yeah, in fact, he almost renamed the team after it... the Progressive Boinks, it'd be called... but he just didn't feel right renaming the home team of his sports hero, Hall-of-Famer Cal Ripkin, Jr. Understandable... wait, did that stat sheet just say Stroud hit 99 home runs last year? That's amazing! What league did he play in? Well, that's the real kicker about this ball club, Chris. None of the players have any baseball experience past high school. So the stats we'll see are based on their old website. B. Thompson Stroud actually wrote over 120 pieces for the site, but after the big network crash of 2006, all baseball games now have to be broadcast through a makeshift network of old Super Nintendos. So 99 is the highest number we can input for home run stats. I was going to say, does Mike Sweeney know about this? Last year, he tied his own single-season record of 83 dingers... two of which he had his eyes closed while hitting! Actually, Chris, Sweeney's on the team! You're kidding!
Nope, Kansas City traded him for Baltimore's entire 2007 roster! I'd say that's a pretty even trade. Ok, let's go down to the field as starting pitcher Kyle Farnsworth warms up!
Another thing to note about MLB's new broadcasting scheme with the Super Nintendos is that players' names can only be displayed with up to eight letters. So we'll have to pronounce "Farnsworth" as if our mouths are full. FRNSWRTH coming to the Orioles from Detroit during the off-season. Funny story about how that came about...
Farnsworth will have his hands full today, going up against the robotic clone of Randy Johnson!
And FRNSWORTH makes short work of the top of the Yankees' lineup. Let's see how the would-be Progressive Boinks do at the plate. Up first is a fan favorite... Number 18... a man who simply goes by the name "Bill."
Bill wasn't around when the O's were picking jersey numbers, so the team gave him the same number as fellow Jesus lookalike, Red Sox all-star Johnny Damon. Bill doesn't look like Jesus!
He's got long hair & something of a beard. I'd say that's pretty dead-on Jesus. He doesn't look like Jesus!
So Bill makes it to first on a single up the middle, & that'll bring up non-Jesus-lookalike, Third Baseman Nick Dallamora. You know, we didn't see a lot of Nick during Spring Training, mostly because he was busy trying to get the Red Sox's autographs. Did I use the correct possessive form, there? Is it Red Soxs'? Or maybe just Red Sox'? No, that can't be right. What the hell.
Rips one to right center! Sheffield can't get under it, & the Boinks have two on in the 1st for Jon Bois! Jon Boys? No, Boisssss. Or maybe it's French... Bwah. Jon Boys lol. The king of all boys... hits one HIGH DOWN THE LEFT FIELD LINE!
BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK Boy, blue pinstriped maternity gowns seem to be popular among the fans these days. BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK
GONE! A three-run homer for Jon Bois... and the Oriole Boinks are off to an early lead! And that brings up the man, himself... owner, manager & Shortstop B. Thompson Stroud.
So be honest, did you actually see that movie? No, but I heard it was good. Yeah, me too. My wife was in tears telling me about how Kurt Angle was bawling in the funeral scene.
Johnson throws a change-up, swing... and he can't quite get all of it. Grounds to first, Andy Phillips is there, and tosses it to Johnson for Out Number One. That'll bring up Number 12, first baseman and TEEN HEART THROB MIKE FIREBALL. Fireball admitting that he never actually played a lot of baseball growing up. Just for one year on a team. Both his parents played first base, so that's the only mitt that he could find in the closet.
Hits one DEEP DOWN THE RIGHT FIELD LINE BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK This one's gonna go!
BACKBACKBACKBACK You know, you sound like a chicken when you do that. Hey, don't knock my style, Thompson! BACKBACKBACK
GONE! And the Boinks are now up 4 to nothing in the first inning! And Joe Torre's gonna come out of the dugout to challenge that. What, did he think it went foul? No, he wants the umpire to check Fireball's bat for cork or save states. That's true. He could very well have hit that Rewind button Bill told him about during Spring Training while no one was looking... And it looks like Fireball's gonna check out ok. Yeah, you'd think since he's going to make the Yankees win anyway that he'd Shut up, Berman, you'll spoil the ending! Sorry. We skip to the Top of the 2nd, and Alex Rodriguez will try to bring the Yankees back into this game with the bases loaded. Hey, his name's nine letters. We can't call him Rodrigez... the G wouldn't sound the same. And Rodrigue just doesn't look right. Here, I have an idea.
OH NO YOU DI-IN'T
Rodriguez pops one up to right field. Koji Kanemoto tries to catch it with his mouth... but he can't get under it! It's back in the corner, & Kanemoto is too busy trying to bite through the foul line netting to get it! He finally throws it in as Rodriguez tries for three... Dallamora gets the ball in time, but Rodriguez tries to smack it out of his hand! Oy, not that old trick.
And Dallamora punches A-Rod in the face for the out! You'll recall that was made a legal rule during the offseason, after A-Rod tried to bitchslap his way onto 16 bases last year.
* * * *
We're now in the Top of the 9th in what has been a back & forth game here in Baltimore... and now Kyle Farnsworth has let the Yankees pull ahead to an 8-7 lead. They're going to go to the bullpen to try & finish this ball game before it gets any worse...
And it looks like they're going to call in the mysterious forum lurker known as Michael to pitch the final inning! Let's see how he does...
And it looks like Michael's going to hang on to his mysterious aura & his perfect ERA, as the Boinks go back to the bullpen.
Did have being ready to pitching baseball time! Well we're down to the wire now, folks. The Boinks have one more chance to come back, & it looks like they're going to bring in their new secret weapon... Mike Sweeney.
Sweeney nabbed the MVP award in 2005, 6 and 7. And, as we said before, he comes to Baltimore in exchange for the entire former Orioles squad. Kansas City was reluctant at first, and who can blame them? The guy's a powerhouse. Swing, and hit DEEP DOWN THE RIGHT FIELD LINE! BACKBACKBAC It's going foul, Chris. The wind could still take it! BACKBACKBACKBACKBA Chris BACK AAAAANNNND
Oooh, didn't see that coming at all. You son of a bitch. No joy in Mudville today, folks. But it's not a total downer for the Progressive Boink squad. Compared to their last attempt at a sports franchise, the Boinks have shown a great deal of improvement in their switch to the diamond. Tune in next year, when the Progressive Boinks strap on their ice skates, buy out the Philadelphia Flyers & spend the entire season in meeting rooms, demanding contract renegotiations. For Chuck Thompson's head, I'm Chris Berman. Goodnight, America! |
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