The Progressive
Boinks: Week One.
written by Jon - november 18 - 2003
Our readers at ProgressiveBoink.com have come to expect more than just a scourge of run-of-the-mill e/n articles. From documenting steel cage matches with the graves of former Presidents to interviewing dead rappers to founding the Professional Career Development Institute, our aim has always been to educate and entertain. Some call it “edutainment”. I like to call it “a hybrid of education and entertainment.”
Well, we at ProgressiveBoink have been afforded a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. A couple of months ago, Justin was kind enough to buy the server space for us, and after two solid months of waiting tables, has managed to scrap together enough money to fund an NFL football franchise.
That’s right. Say hello to your very own Progressive Boinks, the newest addition to the NFL. These events came to be following the disbanding of the Arizona Cardinals, which in turn came to be following the retirement of Mark McGwire and the untimely death of pot fiend Darryl Kile. On one hand, we at ProgressiveBoink do not condone marijuana use, as it kills over 28 million persons a year in the U.S. alone. But on the other, we are glad that this set of circumstances allowed us to make our own football team so that we can experience our childhood fantasies.
THE UNIFORMS
We had to have something to match our web design, of course. They were the coolest uniforms of all time, but it wasn’t long before the criticism came. All we ever heard was that we were just “Cincinnati Bengals-lite”, and that they didn’t understand why crowds would go all the way to a Boinks game so that they could do the same thing they would do at a Bengals game. Well, we were ready to show them.
We chose B as our quarterback. I’m supposed to say that it’s because of his leadership abilities and ability to see the whole field, but it’s actually so he could have #11, so that we, in turn, could do this:
I chose running back, because I always wanted to be Christian Okoye when I was a kid.
Somehow, I think my nine-year-old self would be disappointed in me for putting myself in a video game as a running back rather than acting like a man and actually being one. Hate to break it to you, kid, but you’re going to waste your days away working yourself to death at Radio Shack and developing a promising career as an Internet writer who relies on screenshots to be funny. I can’t find a good image of the kid from “The Kid” yelling “I GROW UP TO BE A LOO-SOAR” to Bruce Willis, so here’s a picture of me judo-kicking some guy.
Filling out
the rest of our offense is B’s favorite deep throat deep throat
deep threat, Nick (WR), our kick-return specialist Mark (PR, KR, HB), the
playmaker Mink (TE), the often unreliable yet well-meaning Justin (WR, DB), and
Emily, our kicker/punter. This is quiet a brave move for Emily, as she’s
a woman taking a position traditionally filled by butch women, such as Morten
Anderson.
WEEK ONE
We definitely had our share of growing pains that first year. The Boinks’ first ever regular-season game was on the road against the perennially awful Detroit Lions. Al Michaels and John Madden were on hand to cover the game.
* PRE-GAME ANALYSIS *
Hello, and welcome to Detroit, Michigan, where. THE VISITING TEAM. Will go up against the Lions! This is Al Micheals, alongside John Madden, and we’re glad you could join us today.
What sorts of things do you expect from these two teams today, John?
Well, I tell ya. The most important thing to these guys is to win. And you can’t win without plenty of getting the ball. I’m looking for these guys to really take it to ‘em today.
And now,
we’ll take a look at. THE VISITING TEAM. ‘s roster. What do you think of. THE
QUARTERBACK. On. THE VISITING TEAM.
This guy’s got all the tools. As a quarterback you want to be able to throw the ball to your guy, and he can do that. I was talking to him before the game, and he was wearing this shirt that said 110%. And I was like, “110%? That’s here to Palookaville!” We ate a sandwich.
There’s his favorite target, NUMBER 80. On. THE VISITING TEAM.
When you’re a receiver, you want to have arms like an octopus. And that’s what this guy has, only instead of eight, he has two. And feet are sort of like arms, so you could say that they’re like half an arm. So that means this guy’s almost halfway to being an octopus.
* THE OPENING DRIVE *
NUMBER 21. Is back to receive the kick.
Wait…wait a second! He’s facing the wrong way! It’s bounced off his back, and. THE VISITING TEAM. just has to dive on it. So. THE VISITING TEAM. starts out their first-ever game as a franchise with terrible field position.
Heh, you know, that kind of reminds me of a story. Back when I coached the
Raiders, I put the ball on the fifty yard line and told the team, “First one to
the ball gets a bowl of puddin’. I said go, and you know, it was the funniest
thing! They ran straight for the ball, and while they weren’t looking I ate the
puddin’. And Ernie, the wide receiver, was runnin’ and running’ and shoutin’
about, where was the puddin’? Mark just sort of let that ball bounce off him,
just like that bowl of puddin’ bounced offa Ernie.
THE VISITING TEAM. Lines up with two in the backfield. This is quite an impressive offensive unit, John.
Yeah, I mean, I feel like I’m readin’ the Bible or something, y’know? What with Mark, and Jon, and Justin looks sorta like Jesus. Maybe he could pull some magic and bring these Boinks right back to life!
Here’s the
snap, and. NUMBER 11. drops back. He’s looking to pass, but there’s nothing
there…he pump fakes…ooh! HE. is absolutely blindsided from behind! THE
DETROIT PLAYER. dropped him, and dropped him hard! That’ll be a loss of five.
Yeah, you know what? B can be Jesus.
So we’re
looking at a second-and-fifteen situation, and it looks like THEY’RE. setting
up for the run. Here’s the snap. NUMBER 22. runs it up the left side.
Nothing there, and he’s brought down hard.
I tell ya, the last time I saw so many Lions in one place was at the zoo! Barry Sanders was there with his kid looking at the giraffes, and Barry was so good that he should count as at least four guys.
After the
no-gain, it’s third and long deep in. THE VISITING TEAM. ‘s territory. B
takes the snap from the shotgun. Looking…looking…still looking, and he’s run
out of time in the pocket…and he’s absolutely bulldozed by THE DETROIT PLAYER.
!
Let’s take another look at that one. Let’s go to the telestrator.
Boom! That guy really laid a hit on that guy! Right…
There!
Fourth down and twenty, and THE VISITING TEAM. will be forced to punt. On the field comes. NUMBER 13. their punter.
Yeah, Emily can punt that ball halfway to Palookaville. I think they should make her wear a cheerleader uniform. Wouldn’t that be somethin’? All the jumpin around and the bouncin’ and playin’ football.
NUMBER 13. is standing menacingly close to the end zone. What’s this? It’s a bad snap! NUMBER 13. barely catches it, and she doesn’t have room to punt it! She has to tuck and run…and, oh my God! She turns, looking downfield to pass…oh boy, this isn’t going to work.
The ball is tipped! NUMBER 11. scrambles to recover the ball in the endzone.
So. NUMBER 11. managed to avoid a turnover touchdown, but gets sacked for a
safety.
And check that out! The ref isn’t looking, and that guy just put B in the
triangle choke!
Ooh, and
this is just getting ugly. NUMBER 13. seems to have some choice words for her
tackler.
Now here’s your chance to log on and cast your vote. Which caption should go with this picture?
I
would have said, “Who stole that thing that I was just holding in my hand?”
That happens to me a lot, where I’m doing something and I black out and next
thing I know I’m doing something else. Like that one time I wrote a book!
And that’s the way it went for the poor Boinks, who were ultimately edged out by
the Lions.
The point we scored came from stealing the 1 off of the Lions’ score on the scoreboard. This cut down the lead by an amazing 101 points, but our valiant efforts still weren’t enough.
After the game, we did our best not to wallow in self-doubt. Were we really nothing more than Cincinnati Bengals-lite? Was this merely a novelty project, or did we really deserve to play in the NFL?
We knew the answer in our hearts. And next week, we would be back. Well, maybe not next week. Maybe the week after. Or something.
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov