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Story Of Intrigue: True/Detective

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"Stories of Intrigue" is a pastiche of terrible amateur genre fiction. Another way of explaining it: here is a story written by the dumbest motherfucker taking Intro to Creative Writing at your local community college.

Here is "True/Detective," a new Story of Intrigue about a pair of hardboiled southern detectives, Rust True and Marty Detective. It does not resemble and was not influenced by any other work of fiction, ever.

Marty Detective walked into the police station, in the past. It was his partner's first day on the job. "Mart!" shouted the Captian. "Get you're yellow (foreshadow) hide in hear and meat you're new partner, Rust True! And that's an order!"

Marty stroned into the office. "Meat you're new partner, Rust True, like I said," said Captian."He's a real wackjob. He's a few screw's lose of a full deck." The bossman whirtled his finger around his ear in the universal symbol for "coocoo." Foreshadowingly, his finger twirn was also a spiral.

"Nice to meet your." Matry said. Rust said some wierd crap like a sad, yet smart, robot might say.

"Your freakin' Luney Toon's," said Marty. For this was they're dynamic.

Suddenly, they time traveled to now. Suddenly Rust looked like Duane Allman; while, Marty's hair's jumped off his head and filled up his gut. "Must be a side effect of the time travel" they said of they're newly found apperance's.

Anyway, a lot of stuff happened, but the long and short of us was that a bad man killed kid's (in the past) and they were trying to get to the bottom of thing's. Also, two new detective's were also trying as well to get to the bottom of thing's, too. So they asked Rust and Marty many a question.

"What's you're name," they said to Rust. "Name...Name...What's in a name," he said. "We're all going to hell in a freaking hand basket. Name's stink. Life stink's. Life's a b-word, and then you freaking die to Kingdom Come."

"Kingdom?" said the new detectives? What's this about a kingdom? King? Now they're interest's were peaked.

Rust blinked at them. "Time is a flat circus," was all he said. "And the big top is this Hellworld. We're all just clowns, playing our roll's. Lion tamer's, too. And trapeze guy's. What a sick freaking joke." He turn't his attention back to the paper dolls he was origommying (sp?) out of a bearcan.

The detectives gave him a funky fresh look. Suddenly it was the past again.

Back then, in the past, Marty and Rust were driving, as was their wont. "Shall we try that new Tex-Mex-staurant?" quode Marty. "Texican. Mexican. What's the differance in this hunk'a junk world? God's not real," said Rust, adding something he must of learned from one of the hard math classes.

"o_0," said Marty.

Finally, they arrived to the murder place. A dead gal had a pear of antler's taped to her head. She looked like the Jackalope, but there was no chance of Dave Coulier doing a funny voice for her: she was dead as dust!

Suddenly, they knew they're were other dead's. They knew it from talking to a guy in jail who had a perfectly quiffed high-top fade paired elegently with that most undeniable of lady-magnet's, the reddish goatee.

"Yellow King!" he shouted. "Carcosa!" "Aha!" said Russ and Marky. They had cracked the case.

They knew about a man with yellow hair's who lived in a town called Carcosa. He wore white underwear's and made drug's, as though he 'twere fresh off the set of Breaking Bad. They went to a local gang of street tough's to try and find his house. The tough's were Rust's freind's.

"Hi buddy" said the main tough. Rust was wearing a leather jacket. He looked like a bespeaken Joey Lawrence. Him and the tough's went to the "wrong side of the tracks," so to speak, and did a crime. He was right in his elemant. Foreshadowing much? Try every which freakin' way shadowing.

Anyway, so Rust and Marty used the Crime to get to the bad guy with yellow hair's. They kil't him for his evil deed's, and the case was closed. Or was it?

Later, in the future, but also in the past, Marty and Rust realized the killing's were not over. They saw some stick piles, was how they knew, and also a guy told them. The stick piles suggested the killer was some hopped-up geek re-enacting his favirote scene's from Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, but Marty and Rust knew better.

"I think this case ain't over," said Rust, in the car, during one of they're endless driving scene's. "Enough with you're freaking riddles, you peace of crumm nutbar!!" said Marty. The more thing's change, the more they stay the same..." said Rust. Marty looked at him like Jim from the Office.

They did a bunch of detective work, and low and behold, they cracked the case. Marty and his wive divorced b/c she got confused and scored with Rust, thinking he was Marty (oh yeah, Rust looked kind of like a skinny Marty, I should have mentioned earlier). They had a fight scene in a parking lot about it. But then they got back together, in the end. They were ready to crack the case. The final hour. The witching hour. A man with a face like spagetti did the evil deed's—and I ain't talkin' Chef Boyardee!!

Suddenly, they put all the piece's together. That was when the biggest freaking most unbelievable twist you could ever imagine happened. Spagetti. Marty ate spagetti with his family once! Yellow King. Marty had yellow hairs! Dead kid's. Marty had kid's! The killer was some wierdo. Rust was a wierdo! Plus their was crap like star's and spiral's that kempt showing up.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" said Rust. "Yes, said Marty. "We are the same person, and we are also the killer. We are crazy." "Dang," said Rust. "Yes" said Marty." The Internet went nut's over this epic twist. They knew that behind every great story, is a twist.

The world kept spiraling. Everything was nutso. Rust was right: this world stunk to high heaven. But he was also crazy. Actually, it turned out the whole story took place in his mind, and he was just some crazy in the loony bin. The twist's kept coming right up until the show ended, which was now.

For more bone-chilling and heart-stopping tales, check out our Stories of Intrigue section.