Firstly, I'd like to give a big, formal thank you to m'main man Bill Hanstock for filling in on last week's Arbitrary Friday List, The 15 Greatest Characters In Magnolia, even if he didn't use my original idea (The 20 Best Characters In Josie And The Pussycats).
This week, something I've needed to write about for a while: low-brow pornography.
I know a lot about pornography, because 1) I have been on the Internet for 16-ish years, and 2) I have never pretended to be cool on it. I mean, I don't know a lot about it. I'm not a business insider. I know a lot about porn like someone on the Subway diet knows about Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki.
One of my favorite porn stars is Stephanie "Allie Sin" Draheim, a beautiful young woman from the redder-necked part of Florida who has never once looked enthusiastic while having sex and cannot stop getting arrested. She's got web-comic tattoos and just generally seems like a lady who'd benefit from a few friends who weren't eager to poop on her. I guess we could all benefit from that.
These are my picks for the 10 least prestigious films on her IMDB page.
10. Appetite for Ass Destruction 2
How do you follow up an all-time classic like Appetite For Ass Destruction?
If I ever get into the porn scripting business (and I plan to, as soon as this blogging thing runs dry) I'm going to exclusively produce films with Guns 'N Roses album titles + ass. I can't wait to see the public's reaction to my epic Use Your Ass-lusion I & II. I might skip The Spaghetti incident?, because that's just gross. My plan is to make a few great films, stop for 20 years, then release a shitty follow-up called Chinese Democr-Assy and sell it for 50 cents a copy at Best Buy.
One of porn's weirdest quirks is the apostrophe at the ends of words to make them sound fun, and less like a horrifying, degrading porno thing. "Breakin' 'Em In" sounds like a thing your bro might say when you're high-fivin' an' out crusin' for behbs. "BREAKING THEM IN" sounds like something you do before you gag them and put them on television.
Allie stars in the seventh installment of the Breakin' 'Em In series, and if The Land Before Time has taught me nothing else, it's that by the time you get to the seventh movie all you've really got is songs about friendship and reaction shots of characters smiling and arching their eyebrows. I can only hope Breakin' 'Em In 2 had the appropriate Electric Fuckaloo subtitle.
8. Young Cheerleader Swap n' Swallow 2
This ranks low on the list because it's considerably less demeaning than its predecessor, Young Cheerleader Cash N' Carry.
The n' is the next logical step down from the "removing G from the word to make it sound more fun" thing. I feel like when you look for porn you know what you're getting into, and a movie that spells out "and" or says "fucking" instead of "fuckin'" is still going to be porn, and you aren't gonna accidentally leave with a documentary on the whaling industry.
And while we're at it, "young cheerleader" is redundant. Has anybody ever said "I want to masturbate to these cheerleaders, but they're TOO OLD"? Who am I kidding, of course someone has. Somebody said that five minutes ago.
7. Scurvy Girls
Nothing turns me on like a vitamin C deficiency!
Porn went through a weird period about 7 years ago when a guy dropped a million fucking dollars on Pirates XXX, a Pirates Of The Caribbean thing that revolutionized the industry by using actual cameras instead of filming people doing it with a Viewmaster and a tape recorder. It became the bane of every Grandma who wandered into a Blockbuster looking to rent "the pirate movie" for their grandkids.
Anyway, because every Transformers has its Gobots, Allie Sin starred in Scurvy Girls, which ... wait, is Scurvy Girls seriously not about pirates?
Scurvy Girls features some of the sexiest punk rock girls around getting railed just for you guys and gals.
/glares
Come on, how many times can you fail Squirting 101 before you give up and take something else? Maybe you don't have the aptitude for squirting. Four years in you should at least be up to the 300 level.
On a loosely related note, how weird are our words for ejaculation? If we're being romantic, we can "reach orgasm" or "climax", but in porn, projectile ejaculation gets reduced to a weird misspelling of "come" for guys (like, "whoops, we finally got here!") and fucking "squirting" for women, like the apex of the sexual experience is that thing you do with your hands in a bathtub where you squeeze your palms together and a little fart of water pops up.
Yeah, the Treaty Of Ghent kinda sucks, but Jesus, it was signed almost 200 years ago. Get over it.
How much more fun would this be if it was Shut Up n' Swalla'?
I think a pornographic film's title shouldn't be aggressive or threatening, because jeez, you're already making a porno movie, you don't need to overcompensate. So I consider titles like Shut Up & Swallow to be a bit less prestigious than something like Swap n' Swallow, because at least Swap n' Swallow has a B-story about sharing. It would be pretty funny if the point of this movie was girls who'd just finished you off and keep rambling about tangental nonsense with their mouths full.
"Filthy" is bad enough ("I want to masturbate to these people having sex, but they're just too hygienic!"), but the apostrophe in "Ho's" instead of the proper "hoes" or even "hos" really does it. Oh, also the fact that it's Filthy Ho's 1 and not just Filthy Ho's, so you know they went into it expecting a franchise. You can't get any less prestigious than that. This is getting into Leonard Part 6 territory. That's too gross even for porn.
Fun fact: Filthy Ho's 1 was the film debut of Felicia Flirts, who I refuse to believe is a porno lady and not a GLOW girl.
Or, if you're Ice Cube, I Was Tight Two Days Ago.
This is honestly a pretty tame title for an interracial film, because they usually have to justify the black guys as MONSTERS or SAVAGE BEASTS to get guys into it. You can't just be like, "Allie Sin has sex with a black guy!", you have to say "Allie Sin RAVAGED by COLOSSAL MAMMOTH TUSK BBC UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE FROM THIS NEARLY BRAIN-DEAD SEX GOLEM." It's the worst.
Spoiler alert, at the end of this movie Allie needs her tightness to present at The Big Meeting but can't find it. She turns to the camera, shrugs, and says "I was tight yesterday!" Everyone laughs. Roll credits, cue Sean Kingston's song about being tight.
Just what you need for sexual bliss: equating sex to what your Dad might say when you get pissed about having to eat brussels sprouts. Just CHOKE IT DOWN, son, or your Mom'll be pissed.
It's a difficult decision, but I think Choke It Down tops the list as the least prestigious title on Allie's flimography. She's indifferent to what's going on anyway, and now you've got a guy just going through the motions, sorta backhandedly apologizing for what he's doing while still being an aggressive dick about it. Choke It Down is the kind of film you make when your sitcom fails and you need a rougher edge.
Let us know what your favorite or least favorite Allie Sin moment is in our comments section below. You know, if nobody's watching. Join us next week for the "20 Grossest Things Gianna Michaels Has Said During Sex To Completely Take Me Out Of The Moment".
For more rankings of things you half-remember, check out our Arbitrary Friday List section.
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