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Things To Never/Always Say To Paul Ryan.

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"duhrrr, i'm paul ryan." - paul ryan
"duhrrr, i'm paul ryan." - paul ryan

On August 11, Mitt Romney went public with his pick of Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan as his running mate in the presidential election. In the fine tradition of Progressive Boink's "Things To Never/Always Say To A Libertarian," here are some ice breakers you can use if you happen to meet Mr. Ryan:

Medicaid should be greatly expanded to include a $500 billion abortion fund.

I support partial-birth abortions. I also support full-birth abortions.

I think abortions should be mandatory for anyone who doesn't shop at Whole Foods.

Oh yeah, Ayn Rand. I read some of her stuff when I was like 14, but then I grew out of it.

You could rescue Social Security if you increased capital gains tax to 5,000%. Let's do that.

Widow's peaks are so gross! Yuck!

Ludwig von Mises and Friedrich Hayek were from Austria? Like Hitler?

The government should mandate that every fetus that is not aborted should be handed over to a gay couple after it is birthed. It's the only fair way to show that we are a tolerant country.

What's wrong with having a huge federal budget? It's just the government's way of showing it cares about its people. Oh yeah, that reminds me: I think that we as Americans should be considered the legal property of the government.

The government and private institutions like churches, private colleges and corporations should split the national bill for birth control, which should really be way, way higher than it is right now.

Abortion is probably the best birth control method.

Abortion is definitely the best birth control method.

The government always knows better than the private sector and does things better, too. That's why it's the government.

The deficit is really no big deal. If things get really bad, we can just declare bankruptcy as a country.

The government should put tracking devices on all unhealthy food to make sure people don't eat too much of it. If they do, they should be arrested and put in jail until they're healthy. Of course, if they have to go to the hospital, Obamacare will take care of them.

Corporations have a responsibility to turn over 95% of all profits to the government. After all, they didn't create their success on their own. Also, I believe that people and companies should be punished for success.

What do you think about abortions and federal debt and also huge federal spending? I think they are all great! Unless the federal spending is on the military or the war on drugs. Then it's bad.

The government should outlaw hunting and Ayn Rand books. Too dangerous.

Who is your least favorite Munster? Mine is definitely Eddie Munster.