"Stories of Intrigue" is a pastiche of terrible amateur genre fiction. Another way of explaining it: here is a story written by the dumbest motherfucker taking Intro to Creative Writing at your local community college.
This is part four in an epic series of Stories of Intrigue inspired by "The Wire." Here are the others:
"Bring!" shouted the bell. "Bring! Bring!" It was the first day of school for the droves of pupas whom attended President John F. Candy Middle School.
For the most part, the droves were a faceless sea of poverty and urbane blighm, but there were four young ragamuffin's who's stars shone brightest of all.
They were: Ronny Shakespear, a becornrowed ragamuffin with a good heart on his shoulders; Freddy Teen, whom knew The Way Of The Gun; Raymond Price, the inexplicibly Porto Rican son of two Afro-American's, who always kept his hairs in a just-so Palin-esk bun; and Darnell Weak, a sad-sacked teen who's ashy elbows and impure demeanor made him into the school punching bag.
The four were inseperate. They went to math class. They're teacher was Mr. Presbaterian, a kindly old soul who was once a police cop who got fired for tripping and dropping his gun in the sewer. "Whoa!" he said at the time. "Whoa! Hot gun! Got a hot gun!" A rat took his gun, and that was the end of that. He punched his wife's dad in the face for a reason I don't really remember.
Anyway, so now he was a math teacher, teaching the finest of geometries. "Your a loose cannon, Mr. Presbaterian," the principle said. Because he taught using non-traditional things like dice and money.
"Now then, what is 2 plus-two?" he queried the class. "Huh?" they said. The school was bad in the setting of the story. It was rotten to the core, in fact. But Mr. Prespaterian had a trick up his finely taylored sleef. He held up two red checker's and two black checker's. "Hey, yo, my gramps plays checker!" yelped Ronny. "Thats four checker's." Mr. P smiled a prideful smile. He made a differents. He also helped the kid's out in other way's, like:
"Yo teach, my moms said the only thing I'm good for is batting practice for the local ruffians. Do she being right?" said Darnell. Mr. Presbaterian rejoindered, "No, Darnell. That's a crock of hooey. If you believe in you're dreams and learn long division, anything is possible."
Darnell beamed a 40-watt smile. "Your like my white dad." he said. Mr. Presbaterian also helped the other kid's, like when Ronny tried to start his candy business. He would buy a bag of skittle's from 7/11 and sell individual skittle's to the other students for a dollar o' piece. They didn't understand the value of $ because they came from bad family's. Mr. P helped Ronny by patiently explaining the many different flavors of skittle's available the world over.
But all was not well in the fair land of this tale. Merle O. was a terrible druglord whom prayed on the meek and weak alike. The first time we ever saw Merle O. he stole a lolly-pop from the store and then gave a stunning monolog to the Blart-ian mall cop whom chased him down.
"You want it to be one way. Guess what? Two-way street. Cops and robbers, drugs and mobbers. All in the game. The game of life. Your just another peg in the game of Life. So step out of my way before I shoot you with the goldest of bullet's. I own this town, bub. I feel like a million bucks and you look like a penny. So scram."
The mall cop couldn't believe his ear's. One of Merle O.'s friends rode up in a tricked-out custom Kia Spectra, the gangster ferocity of the Baha Men blasting out of the stereo system. It was Soup, whom had watched "Its Pat" one to many times, if you catch my drift. Soup manually rolled down the window and pointed a gun at the mall cop. "Do it! Kill the mutt!" said Merle O. "Or don't. I have to go somewhere." This showed he was an amoral force of nature, like a title wave.
Meanwhile, in the fancy district of town, a sharp contrast to the dingy depth's of Merle O.'s sector, Raymond Price and a slattering of other middle school student's ate dinner with disgraced cop Buddy Blackcop. He was a teacher or something now after getting erected from the cop force.
He had chosen to treat them at the finest, most up-scaled restaraunt in town: the Texas Roadhouse, with it's selection of sizzling, mouthwatering steaks and curly fry's. "Ooh la la!" the rough'n'tumblin' youth's all said on entering the Roadhouse and seeing the mansion-like decor on the walls, such as canoe paddles and boat propellors.
The snooty French waiter came out of the kitchen. "Good evening," he said. "Our special's today are snails, steaks, spagetti, and some weird thing that came out of the ocean."
The student's looked at each other nervously. They were used to surviving on candy, Dr. Thunder, and a thin gruel made of flour and water and garnished with dryer lint, for this is the fate of the American inner city. "What is it?!" barked the waiter. "Are you not civilized enough to know what you want?!"
"Erm, said Raymond." Erm. "I'll have a phat juicey steak," "Rare-done, please." They all ordered steaks to. The waiter brought they're streaks and then the crud really hit the fan.
He pulled out a thing that looked like a table leg and started grinding peppers all over the place. The student's, bless they're little hearts, did not know to tell him to stop, so he just covered the table in a thick blanket of pepper. Buddy looked on with Sad.
They all high-tailed it out of their and realized that they're was truly a golf between them and the rest of society. "Life stink's," they all said in unision.
Suddenly, all the elements of the story came together: cops, criminals, and students in a virtual Cob Salad of city life. Freddy Teen became friend's with Soup and Soups prolifically African-looking friend. They were all friend's with Merle O. Mr. Presbaterian and Buddy used to be cops, and other cops were still cops. Everything got real crazy, like when you shake up a Dr. Thunder can and let ‘er rip all over the kitchen floor.
The story ended. Ronny went to the street's and Freddy shot folkes with a gun. Darnell teamed up with Bubba the cracked head and went down a bad path. Buddy realized that Raymond was his son but he that he had had amnesia and didn't know it until he got conked in the head when Cuddy the boxing teacher bonked him in the head. He remembered his old life as Buddy's son so he went to live with Buddy and his wife. The cycle of the city kept cycling. Oh! And the mayer had been around since season 3 but I forgot to mention him but anyway he was the mayer now, even though he was white, which was wierd for this city.
For more bone-chilling and heart-stopping tales, check out our Stories of Intrigue section.