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Progressive Boink Holiday Mixtape: 'Carol of the Bells.'

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Carol of the Bells is a fairly solid song. It could be better.

Kevin C. Cox

When I went to church as a kid, there would occasionally (mostly around Christmas, naturally) be practices for -- and then a performance of -- a handbell choir. It's one of the strangest things ever. Even though the bells all have leather handles, everyone has to wear gloves. I guess because accidentally touching the bell ruins it forever? Probably. It's probably that. Also, the bells have to be carefully rested upon these soft mats. And when you sound a bell, you have to sort of roll your hand and arm out like you're casting a fishing rod made out of angels' tears.

Basically, what I took away from all of this is that there's nothing in the world so delicate as a handbell. It's the fontanelle of the instrument world. Which brings us to the most famous of the bells-only Christmas carols, "Carol of the Bells."

(Hey it's shockingly hard to find a bells-only version of "Carol of the Bells" on YouTube! WHYYYYY)

Handbell techhnology sure has come a long way since I last heard a bell choir! Look at them go! All using their mats to bend notes and shit. Whew!

So in doing research for this song, I learned that it isn't actually MEANT to be a bells-only song. It is originally a Ukranian New Year's Carol called "Shchedryk," which you can listen to here and read about here. It's got nothing to do with bells! Dang.

But my basic point is that the English lyrics written for the song (when you hear the version with words) are really stupid. And unless you want to be some stupid, big-jawed a capella group, you should have some lyrics to sing "ding-dong ding-dong, that is their song."

As someone who makes up lyrics to songs all the time, I'm probably the perfect person to come up with all-new lyrics for this. So put this on in the background and sing along!

Hey, it's a tree!

Hey, it's a gift!

Hey, it's a wreath!

Santa's the best!

Hope there's a lot of presents and maybe cookies for me to stuff in my face

Super super super super awesome

That was really easy! Hope you all like the new lyrics. They're pretty appropriate to the holidays, also. If you're Jewish, please substitute "dreidel" for "Santa" and "some socks" for "a wreath" and it instantly becomes an all-purpose song! (Unless you celebrate some third religion or something.) Happy holidays!