The 100 Most
Beautiful Women.
written by Jon, B, Justin, Mark, Emily, and
Jon Justin - october 28 - 2003
Jon.
20.
ASHLEY JUDD
Famous for:
Being the MILF in Simon Birch.
Earns points for:
Being an extra-nice person. She does blood-drive commercials and stuff. Also,
she’s from here in Kentucky, which means I should favor her for some reason.
Loses points for:
Short hair, though she actually pulls this off pretty well.
19. LAILA ALI
Famous for:
Being a boxing champ and daughter of hometown hero Muhammed Ali
Earns points for:
My knowledge that she actually exists and is not merely a propogation of the
Internet machine. I don’t know if anyone else can say this about anyone on
their list, but I actually got to meet her. I was at work, and she asked if we
had any faceplates for her cell phones, and I said we were out of them, and she
smiled and said thanks anyway.
Loses points for:
She’s intimidatingly huge.
18.
JENNIFER FUCKING LOPEZ
Famous for:
Being her. In Internet webzine circles, it’s cool to hate her with every ounce
of her energy.
Earns points for:
She’s got an awesome body and a pretty face.
Loses points for:
Every aspect of her other than her physical appearance. But come on, bear with
me. Imagine if you were a janitor at a hospital and she was lying on a bed
brain-dead. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t do stuff to her.
17.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
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Famous for: Being married to Michael Douglas so Adam Carolla can make jokes about age differentials in celebrity couples. Next thing you know you’ll have, like, Sean Connery going with Katie Holmes. I MEAN, COME ON EVERYBADY
Earns points for: If one movie could win it all, she would be in the Top 5 for The Mask of Zorro.
Loses points for: I sell Sprint, and she pitches my competitor. GET MORE MORE LIKE GET BORE
16.
CHARLIZE THERON
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Famous for: I don’t know, I saw her first in the Legend of Bagger Vance. I sure would love to bag HER. Vance. Yeah.
Earns points for: She can look like a modern-day Marilyn Monroe, or some chick from Saved by the Bell, or Madonna, and always look beautiful.
Loses points for: Making physical contact with Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job. I’m in the clear right? It’s okay to hate Mark Wahlberg, right? He hasn’t crossed from hated has-been to kitch hero yet, has he?
15. MELISSA STARK
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Famous for: The eye-candy of Monday Night Football, since they got rid of Dan Dierdorf.
Earns points for: The idea of having a woman who you could watch a game with, and who would know more about what’s going on than you do.
Loses points for: It isn’t really her fault, but Al Michaels is always hitting on her, and he’s like 105. That’s just gross.
14. MYA
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Famous for: Being the first black female singer, ever.
Earns points for: Some of the prettiest eyes ever. The only Lady Marmalade chick who I could bang without worrying about my dick rotting off inside her.
Loses points for: My dick rotting off? God! Gross! I can’t believe I typed that.
13. ESTELLA WARREN
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Famous for: The non-ape in Planet of the Apes, and probably nothing else.
Earns points for: Looking like a healthy Angelina Jolie.
Loses points for: Looking at her last name, it can be safely assumed that she’s already taken by actor Warren Beatty.
12.
MILA KUNIS
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Famous for: Being the black-haired dumb blonde on the incorrectly apostrophized That 70’s Show.
Earns points for: She’s a pure hottie, and it looks like she has one of those names that are acronymic several times over.
Loses points for: She was definitely bangable in 1978, but that would make her like at least 40 today. Gross.
11. SALMA HAYEK
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Famous for: She’s probably had an accomplished career and all, but I always just thought her name sounded weird.
Earns points for: Being the hottest Latino woman ever. Shakira has gone blonde and is thereby disqualified.
Loses points for: Again, her name. For the longest time I thought her name was “Sal Mahayek”. And Sal is a guy’s name, I think.
10. LAURIE DHUE
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Famous for: Serving as anchorwoman on the Fox News Channel. Get it? Fox NEWS channel. fuck I messed it up
Earns points for: Being fair and balanced.
Loses points for: Sometimes she looks like she just finished eating a makeup sandwich.
9. MONICA BELUCCI
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Famous for: The Matrix, though she has long been an accomplished foreign actor.
Earns points for: Three words: Persephone.
Loses points for: Distracting me with her boobs when I should have been following the plot. Ergo, I have a huge blank where the whole Merovingian part of the story happened.
8.
ALYSSA MILANO
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Famous for: Being Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter in Commando. Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor. What a funny joke I just made!
Earns points for: Milano cookies taste fantastic.
Loses points for: Starring in Double Dragon: The Movie, which I have never seen, but which looks like the sort of movie I ought to bash. A MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME! WHAAAAAA
7. SHARON LEAL
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Famous for: A member of the perfectly realistic cast of Boston Public.
Earns points for: Being every fifteen-year-old’s conveniently in-classroom masturbation fantasy. She smiled when she handed you your paper. I think she likes you.
Loses points for: A black supermodel teacher? Named Sharon? I lost half my woody because my penis’ realism discerning mechanism was triggered.
6. JESSICA ALBA
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Famous for: Being in that FOX show that I never watched.
Earns points for: Smiling a lot.
Loses points for: Being airbrushed a lot.
5. FOXY BROWN
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Famous for: I can’t remember a single one of her songs, so it has to be her hotness.
Earns points for: I don’t know, maybe it’s the name.
Loses points for: Every once in a while, she makes me lose my stiffy by momentarily reminding me of Lil’ Kim
4. NATALIE PORTMAN
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Famous for: Entertaining the fetishes of all those Star Wars nerds by having all that weird makeup and shit.
Earns points for: Being of legal age, allowing me to dodge the undesirable pedophilia issue during my masturbation fantasy.
Loses points for: The knowledge that she’ll probably never, ever show off her boobs. Goddamn women and their dignity issues.
3. BEYONCE KNOWLES
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Famous for: Ditching the ugly half of Destiny’s Child to make a new Destiny’s Child, then ditching the rest of Destiny’s Child that she had not previously ditched to start a solo career.
Earns points for: Having the most beautiful face ever, and one of the best bodies to match.
Loses points for: Sometimes, the Afro is cute. Most of the time, it’s really, really ugly.
2. ANGELINA JOLIE
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Famous for: Posing for RISQUE photo shoots that have her covered in blood, or eating undercooked meat, or whatever. RISQUE.
Earns points for: Pulling off the jaded heroin addict look, while still managing to look sexy as hell.
Loses points for: Looking like more of a crack addict than a heroin addict in certain pictures.
1. SHAKIRA
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Famous for: The ability to sing like both a Latina schoolgirl and Homsar in the same verse.
Earns points for: Having the best overall package on the planet.
Loses points for: Bleaching her hair blonde so she could market herself better to America; her boobs could be a little bigger.
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov
