Progressive Boink

[Justin]

Becky "Axl_Greeze" Solomon: This sulty li'l minx wasn't your typical barbies and tea party girl... heh, not by a long shot. A fan of motorcycles and dirt bikes, she was treated as the tomboy sister to the group (heh, good thing my REAL sister wasn't this hot...). All the same, that didn't keep me from wanting to place my "dipstick" into her "vagina" if you catch my drift...

[Hanstock]

Nightmarez steps out of the elevator. He scratches at his neck and glances around the (seemingly) deserted parking garage, casting glances at his Space Invaders watch every few seconds. Finally he hears a footstep behind him and jumps.

"Jesus man, you scared the shit out of me!"

A sinister voice issues from the darkness.

"Were you followed?"

Nightmarez peers into the shadows. He can just make out a figure in a trenchcoat and fedora.

"No, man. I made sure of it. If Nightdiver even suspected..."

The shadowy figure cuts him off.

"Nightdiver has no idea. And soon his little house of cards is all going to come tumbling down."

The shadowy figure walks forward into the light. As he emerges from the shadows we can see his face at last...it is none other than NIGHTDIVER!

Nightmarez screams and drops to his knees, pleading.

"Oh Jesus, 'Diver! I swear I wouldn't have crossed you if I'd known..."

Nightdiver throws his head back and laughs uproariously. Nightmarez slows his begging and casts a wary eye at him.

"You're not Nightdiver. Who the hell are you?"

"An old friend."

Nightdiver's features shift and morph until they reveal a familiar face.

"Missypants!"

[James]

Paul "Freedom_Rings" Maschwatt - The most hardcore liberal I've ever seen. He heard that some punks in our town had voted for George W Bush (or as he called him "that fucking monkey-headed bastard", heh) and he threw a TV through their window and spray-painted FASCIST on their car. As the cops dragged him away he started spraying spit everywhere and thrusting his crotch at people watching. I always knew he'd go down in a blaze of glory.

[James]

Andy "Mint Condition" Kzecsoblod - The most meticulous man I've ever met, ol' "Mint Condition" got his name because of the literal wall of action figures he had in his room in his parents' basement. He never took anything out of the box, never let anyone touch them, and even kept the boxed figures in plastic bags. The most careful son of a bitch in the world, probably. He was always really snide and snivelly and if you upset him he'd start cursing for an hour on end, but when he found an Ebay auction that some stupid-ass grandma had put up without even consulting proper market values, heh, it was fuckin' gold.

[Hanstock]

Nightdiver shot a furious look at Thndrdrgn.

"I don't even know why I keep you around."

Tndrdrgn wipes barbecue sauce out of his eye and winks at Nightdiver

"Someone's gotta keep you on your toes."

[Hanstock]

"But how will we ever know where to find him, Becky? Nightdiver went dark four years ago."

Axl_Greeze stops running her hands over the wall. She seems to have found what she's looking for. She steps back from the wall and starts rummaging in her Roman Dirge lunchbox.

"That's the thing, Dildo."

Axl_Greeze straightens up and points a small handheld device at the wall. She pushes a button and a bright light shines over the blank surface of the wall. As they watch, a portion of the wall drops into the floor, revealing an elevator door, which slides open.

Axl and Dildo Baggins walk into the stainless-steel, brightly lit elevator. The doors sweep shut. There is only one button on the control panel: a large, illuminated number 7. Axl pushes it and smiles to herself.

"You just have to know where to look."

[James]

Ned "Binary_Star" Holhein - To this guy, the 1980s never ended. He loved the simpler style of video games and the wild hair and clothes. He often lambasted modern-day culture for its failings, and sometimes he'd lash out at us because we bought Halo 2 instead of spending that money on a Colecovision, but it was all right. We understood. He was a man of a lost age trapped in a world that would never understand him.

[Kyle]

the timeline is off on some of these, they should be recollections of a bygone era where the internet was a brave, untested frontier

plus 7th hasn't had friends since the early '90s lol

[Bismark]

Ted "StumpLicker" McBlonuts. Had a string of lies under his belt longer than his ponytail. I spoke to him in private chat once about it. Plenty of people talk about being abducted by aliens, but he was the first one I believed. Maybe it was his almost childlike wisdom, maybe it was his bumper sticker: "all those who wander are not lost." Keep searching, Ted.

[James]

Alan "Lord_of_Bushido" Hafdown - A real quiet guy, I never got to see a lot of him. He'd sit in the corner, rocking and cradling his samurai sword. The one occasion he talked he said it had been forged by the legendary "Muramasa" and his dad, a navy veteran, had brought it back from Japan. He was always real quiet, like I said, but this guy...you knew he could tell everything that was going on. His eyes would always dart around the room and his fingers would twitch around someone he didn't know. One time he cut his finger on the blade and his mother told him it was too dangerous; he threw the katana out the window, dived after it, and ran with it into the woods. They found him six weeks later ritually dissecting and eating a squirrel. After that they tried to put him on medicines, but he'd only fake taking them. He mastered the art of self-control so he could fool his Sheeple parents. That guy, you never knew what he was thinking. He was like a fuckin' placid lake of calm, but underneath that iceberg was a raging tornado of hurricane-like proportions.

[Jon]

"The Kid". We only knew him as "The Kid". "Gizmo", as we would sometimes call him, kept a few labeled floppy disks deep in his sock drawer. These disks were various hacks for different computer system. They all had different code names. One was labeled "Libby". His buddy Dylan "DoubleTake" Wallace ...

Well, let me fill you in on DoubleTake. A double-jointed thief who could give you any freakin' flavor of Wrigley's from any damn vending machine in the U S of A. Wanted for "vendalism" in 13 states. When he was 33 they finally caught him with his arm trapped next to the microwaveable sausage biscuits in a chilled rotisserie vending display. Couldn't ever shut him up about his story about "the one that got away", but damn if I'd ever want to.

So anyway, this job needed a lofty lookout. Tall Timmy had wrecked his ankle to shit trying to straighten out some chain-smoking punks behind his Little Caesar's, so he was M.I.A. and DoubleTake, who was a pretty solid 5'11", filled in. He peered from behind the periodicals, throwing up the horns to "The Kidster" when the coast was clear. The Kid whipped out the 3.5" Maxell he named "Libby", which, dear readers, is code for "library". He shoved it in the library computer and gave the old four-finger salute (CTRL+ALT+SHIFT+DEL). Then the computer said the magic words: "Abort, Retry, Fail?" The Kid typed "fail", mashed the Return key, and hightailed it out of there. DoubleTake stuck around for the fireworks. An old lady shoving a cart of books around took notice and started tapping a few random keys before asking for help. "No dice, Grandma River", DoubleTake said he muttered before scramming.

[James]

Allen "Cuntripper_906" Parkinberg - The "ladies man" of the group (besides myself of course, heh), Cuntripper could woo the pants, shirt, and underwear off of any lady he met. He had a fuckin' list of names at least twenty feet long; Old Lady Poulde, Mrs. Carbara, Mrs. Wendell, even Alice from down the street (he had a tough time luring her away from those fantasy novels of hers, but whoo boy once he got goin, he GOT GOIN', heh). His biggest hit was Mrs. Higgins, the hottest mom on the block, but once Mr. Higgins found out, heh, he had to skedaddle like a troll in an admin convention.

[James]

Salvador "The Red Rider" Michaelson - A good bud of mine. He was the one I always felt that I could just go down to the bar and catch a couple brewskies with. He spent a semester in college touring Europe, and there's this really wicked picture of him near a bull just before the Running of the Bulls in Barcelona. That's the kind of dude he was: always looking for adventure. He liked to mountain-climb, too, but he didn't really get that far. He'd get these cramps and have to be helped back down the rock wall at the gym. I hope he kept workin' at it, and when I imagine him scaling Olympus it always puts a smile on my face.

[Bismark]

to us all

[Hanstock]

Nightdiver runs a finger along a shelf of the display case. His fingertip comes away with a thick coating of dust. He wipes it away and brushes a tear from the corner of his eye. He gazes deep into the eyes of a Human Torch Mego figure, original issue, still in the box. He heaves a pained, rasping sigh.

"You never could listen to me, could you, you stupid bastard?"

Nightdiver gazes a moment longer, as if waiting for an answer. His face finally falls and he sinks to his knees as he breaks down. He kneels, weeping, surrounded by the emotionless toys that clog the shelves and line the walls.

[emily]

Locking this shit before somebody fucks it up.