Progressive Boink

[James]

anyone who eats smores or something smore flavored by his or her lonesome is a pathetic individual

wellllllll shit

wait how the fuck do you eat pop tarts as a group

gather round the toaster kids

[A Link to the Matt]

am I the only weirdo who doesn't toast his pop tarts?

[Justin]

kirbyoto comes home from a hard day of school and relaxes with a gigantic bag of cotton candy before washing it down with fucking astronaut ice cream.

[Kyle]

kirbyoto wakes up at the crack of dawn each morning and fixes himself a big bowl of those chalky halloween vampires and then pours grape soda in them and digs in

[Wat, But A Girl]

kirbyoto pulls out his brown paper bag during lunch and reveals an elephant ear with peeps and rock candy scattered on it like a pizza

[Kyle]

kirbyoto wakes up at 3am, sneaks down into the kitchen, opens the snack-sized bags of bugles, meticulously fills each bugle with a piece of candy corn, and then reseals each bag with a laminating machine

he then requests that his mother put bugles in his lunch pail

[James]

i eat corn flakes with milk on em

also i should probably make it clear that my stepmom has converted the entire house to organic foods so the amount of sugar in my bloodstream is probably less than optimal

In all seriousness I haven't had a pop-tart since I was eight

but i keep the memories alive

because they're all i've got

[Justin]

every night before bed kirbyoto hand rolls a fruit rollup, sticks it together with frosting and uses it as a straw to drink his large, novelty NASCAR plastic collectible cup full of blue raspberry slush puppy syrup.

[Kyle]

kirbyoto peels bananas, tosses the actual banana in the garbage, fills the peel with that super sour liquid candy, then sows the banana back up and puts it in the freezer for a few hours to solidify before repeeling and diving in

[Justin]

for breakfast every morning, kirbyoto insists that his mother remove an equal number of marshmallows from lucky charms, marshmallow alpha-bits, dino pebbles and frankenberry before topping it off with microwaved caramel and chocolate syrup as a lubricant.

[Kyle]

kirbyoto goes fishing with gummi worms in a lake stocked with swedish fish

[James]

justin my favorite is count chocula why the fuck didn't you know that

its fuckin chocolate and marshmellows together at last you fuckin noob

edit: that last one sounded fuckin delicious and now i will cry

[Justin]

for a brief period during the mid-2000's, kirbyoto would not eat corn on the cob unless the kernels were stripped and replaced with accurately sized, filed down sweet tarts. in order to affix the sweet tarts to the cob, it was first slathered in marshmallow fluff.

[Kyle]

kirbyoto eats 8 oz. cans of sweetened condensed milk as if they were yogurt

[Justin]

kirbyoto is a fat, unhealthy nerd.

[James]

you owe me a new keyboard i sprayed raw liquefied sugar mixed with jolt cola onto mine

[Kyle]

kirbyoto is at serious risk for type 2 diabetes

[normalman]

Kirbyoto takes his stick of butter sandwiched between two Cinnabons and drenched in caramel.

[Kyle]

wtf i'm not a fucktard

[Kyle]

if anything, YOU'RE the fucktard!

for having such blatant disregard for your health as to have your teeth surgically replaced with wild berry skittles!