Progressive Boink

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3:20 - Three black males are alleged to be burgling something.

3:22 - Nick distracts me, and by the time I look back they're looking for the car. Then they find it. But the other cops have gotten there first so they're just arresting the dudes.

3:24 - They were trying to steal some liquor. This old lady's husband had owned a store, but it closed, so all the liquor was at her house. They broke in and stole some. This segment is pretty boring.

3:29 - Credits roll. Hopefully the next episode is more exciting. That one was pretty old.


3:30 - The new one is pretty old too. I mean, it's not like the show has changed drastically throughout it's run. I don't think it's changed at all. Well, there's no vegas in the old ones I guess.

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3:32 - Some cops get called because someone wants to kick someone out they house. He's drinking, and she doesn't want them in there. Charles, it's time to go.

3:33 - "How long you been drinkin', Charles?" "I been drinkin' for 30 years, and I ain't never bothered nobody." The officers speak to Charles about thinking about detox.

3:34 - Charles goes to sleep it off.

3:35 - The same two officers now proceed to a three black males burglaring something. I wonder if it's the same three.

3:36 - The officer kicks in the door, and then it's all "Let me see your hands" and "get on the ground." The man claims he was just laying there, not doing nothing. He was laying in there asleep.

3:38 - Apparently barricading the door counts a probable cause. That's a new one by me.

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3:41 - Woah. They're going to a call of an adult who molested a kid. I've never seen them handle something that heavy on cops.

3:42 - Guy 1 claims Guy 2 touched his 15 year old sister in an inappropriate place. 2 claims they were dancing. Lady 1 claims they're all just a bunch of drunks.

3:43 - Guy 2, the alleged pedophile, goes to sit in a police car. He admits to an officer that he was dancing with the girl, but denies touching her.

3:45 - Drunks argue, while the girl has yet to arrive. Some guy is looking to take the fall for guy 2, saying "I touched her. I touched her in the front, and I touched her in the back."

3:46 - The girl shows up. She claims they didn't do anything to her. The cops remind her that they have to investigate or they're not doing their duty.

3:47 - Some woman, possibly a sister of the alleged molester, was getting hornery and is cuffed and put in a car. She slips out of the cuffs like it was nothin'. They decide to spray her. They taker her out, re-cuff her, sit her in the car, and spray her.

3:49 - A sleep number bed is clinically proven to help you sleep better.

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3:51 - Got some lady cops here. They claim it's a lot of fun. They're going to a fight. They pull up and the guy starts running. He sin't going to make it far.

3:52 - "I ain't did nothin. Ask my landlord. She called me over to make love to me, I ain't wanna make love to her, I ain't runnin from the police, I got nothin in my pocket."

3:53 - They don't even want to hear his story. He goes in a car and goes downtown. The girl who was screaming for help ran off too, so he'll get hit with obstructing governmental administration, but not battery or anything.

3:54 - The lady cops pursue more black males, this time in a gray car. But then the guys stop and bail and they're off.

3:55 - They're a big pile of stuff that was stolen, and some other officer has a suspect in custody. A witness says he's seen him hanging around. That's good enough, I guess. You always get a skewed perspective of this stuff. You can't here everything that goes on, people make assumptions that you're not clued into, and it always seems like the guy who did it is the guy who's running. I'm going to commit all my crimes while wearing a jogging outfit.

3:59 - Five hours now.

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4:00 - There are at least four separate seasons of Cops in which the credits feature a man wearing panties.

4:01 - We've got a possible DUI. They light him up, but he doesn't stop.

4:02 - They're still following him. He's not going too fast, which is a good plan. If you don't escalate the speed, the cops won't. Of course, you won't get away, either, but you usually don't get away when you're going fast, either.

4:03 - Well, he decided to speed up, and wrecked his car. Now they're making him crawl out the window. Then they all pile on top and cuff him. He's bleeding.

4:05 - "My old lady is killing me, officer." I love this show.

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4:11 - Felony stop on a stolen vehicle.

4:14 - Possession for resale. Fairly uneventful. No one was shocked by what was happening, they know what they had done, they knew how it worked, so everyone just sort of went along with it.

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4:20 - We start with the 8 am roll call, where the sarge reads off some jazz about snow tires. Then some officers go to some call where some guy is holding some other guy's cat hostage. The cat is named Buddy Holly.

4:21 - The missing cat is a male cat, and the cat the neighbor has is a female cat. The guy with the stolen cat looks a little like a young Ted Nugent.

4:23 - Elsewhere on patrol a man has thrown a big rock at another man's car. It is revealed that he threw the rock because the other man gave him the finger.

4:26 - After some "I don't appreciate that" between the two parties, they both get checked for warrants, then they're free to go. The one guy had a funny accent, so the segment wasn't a total loss.

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4:36 - A man matches the description of someone breaking into cars in the area. He is arrested, and confused.

4:40 - A lady from a local motel is having trouble getting some people out. Another officer is on scene, this one is going to give backup.

The forum is being really slow for me. Updates might not be as frequent, but don't worry, I'm still here.

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4:42 - The woman who is supposed to be leaving was hiding under the bed. It is unclear why she thought this would fool anyone. She's certainly not the first person on the show to try it.

4:43 - An old man tried to cover for her, claiming that she wasn't here, and the clothes were his. The police enjoy giving him the business over wearing women's clothes. Then he goes to jail. His name is Otis. He was smoking crack in the bathroom.

4:46 - Otis is wearing a trucker hat, and is not being ironic.

4:49 - Proactiv moisturizes Sean "P.Diddy" Comb's situation.

4:49 - A female cop talks about the different reaction she gets by having a vagina and a badge. She is kind of cute.

4:50 - Domestic situation w/ fat kid. The male has been wrecking doors and trying to kick them in. He tried to get in to 'beat my head in'.

4:52 - Apparently the woman has a drug problem and is messing around with 82 year old men. The allged door-kicker claims "Yeah, she's got a bad problem. She pulled a gun on me a couple weeks ago and claimed if I didn't go to sleep she was gonna shoot me."

4:53 - Door Kicker's mother comes to testify that there's been an old man in the house playing with his self. "She's man-crazy!" She mentions the 50 blacks up the street and how they pose a threat.

4:54 - The police officer warns DK's mother to stop threatening and stop yelling at the police officer. He then starts giving the standard "You hit her, you go to jail. She hits you, she goes to jail. Just stay away from each other." speech. DK's mom gets angry again and the officer (this isn't the female one, mind you) threatens to arrest her.

4:56 - The payoff to this segment is DK's mom going to jail. It doesn't look like it's going to happen. I'm pretty bummed.

4:59 - The credits are squished and a Shallow Hal ad is played over them. I don't care for that.

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5:00 - New credits. We've got a guy sneaking around, a cop chasing a vehicle on foot, a guy coming out of a trailer, a dog, a woman who may have pissed her pants, flashing lights, a guy stealing a bike, and some people being whomped on.

5:01 - Deputy Karin LongnameIcan'tremember relates a story of lying to her dad, and how he said if you just come clean you'll be allright. She said it works that way with the police department. No word on if the policy extends to suspects.

5:02 - Traffic stop. The guy was speeding. He looks like he's going to pull over, but then he takes off. I love that move, people slow down and pull to the side like they're going to fake the cops out. As if they'll just sit there and go "Well shoot, he took off. I don't know what to do." Maybe they were buckling their seatbelts or something.

5:04 - Some officers up ahead put out some stop sticks. They're up to 90MPH. He just tossed something out the window. He spins out and they pin his car against a pole or something. They yank him out of the car and arrest him. You can hear him yelling "What did I do?"

5:05 - One of the suspects claims his arm is broken.

5:06 - In the car there is a case of Miller Genuine Draft, a pair of handcuffs, a knife, and a loaded gun.

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5:09 - Washington State. Meth territory. Someone has a cracked windshield, so they get a routine traffic stop. There are a husband and wife in the car, with a kid.

5:12 - This fellow just got out of jail on the 29th. The cop goes to the car to run their names. And wouldn't you know it, they've got warrants.

5:14 - The kid is pretty upset.

5:16 - Not only did they have the kid in the car, but they've got meth. I told you.

5:17 - The kid asks her mother "What did he do?" while the father goes into the squad car that will take him to the clink. The cop suggests the mother explain it when they get home, and the mother wonders how you explain a warrant to a five year old. The cop agrees that that's pretty tough.

5:18 - JG Wentworth is still willing to convert your structured payments into cash now.

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5:20 - Still in Washington, near the Air Force base. Domestic violence call.

5:21 - The man has accused the woman of putting 50 miles on his truck. She denied it, so he slugged her in the head. Cop: "For all he could give ya?" Woman: "Oh yeah."

5:22 - The officer is wearing Kevlar gloves, which are a shitload more common in cops episodes made after 1998 then they are before 98.

5:24 - They have found the offending gentleman hiding in the weeds. The dog wants at him.

5:24 - He also has outstanding warrants.

5:29 - I just spent a half hour of my life watching cops.

5:30 - Another one coming up.

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5:35 - A fellow on a motorcycle eluded the police for a few minutes, but eventually had to slow down (he was going about 135) and stop. I'm not sure why he stopped.

5:36 - He took off because he doesn't have a bike license.

5:41 - A sheriff is following up on a suspicious person call. The man is walking along with a big sack. He says he is currently homeless.

5:43 - He's got needles in his pocket. He gives the cop the heads-up about this before he searches his pockets, which the officer really appreciates.

5:45 - He's got some rocks in his pocket. Not crack rocks, just rocks. Passin' the time when you're homeless by collecting Rocks.

5:46 - He's got a jacket full or rocks too. Big ones. The cop asks him if he is a professional rock collector, and he says he aspires to be some day. The needles are clean, so he goes on his way. The cop muses that he seems like a decent guy, he just can't beat the drugs.

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5:51 - I get distracted and come back to some woman in a really ugly hat being searched by a cop. He's asking her if she's got anything that's going to stick him.

5:52 - Ugly hat fingers her friend as the culprit. I'm still not sure what they did.

5:53 - Apparently it was theft of a vehicle. Everyone in the car gets cuffed.

5:55 - The owner of the stuff these punks stole is here to claim it. One of the punks is crying now that the cop is explaining to here she can tell it to the judge. She's bawling and the cop turns to the cop driving and goes "She's ready to go."

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5:59 - The credits are mangled again.

6:00 - We're back to the people on the beach credits.

6:01 - Deputy Kevin Marks starts us off in Palm Beach, Florida. His partner admits that it's not the best money in the world, but he gets a lot of personal satisfaction from it. You can't really ask for more from life.

6:02 - We've got a suspicious vehicle. Too many people in it. Maybe narcotics, maybe prostitution. They see something happening, so they yank open the door and draw their guns. Three young guys.

6:03 - I wasn't hiding nothing.

6:04 - Cocaine is discovered in the car. These kids take their 80s nostalgia pretty seriously.

6:05 - It is revealed that the cocaine was stripper bait. (Apparently they're in the parking lot of a strip club.)

6:07 - A field test confirms that it is cocaine. The cop tells the guy who was in the back seat to call his friends parents and let them know their kids are going to jail. The kid in the back seat isn't going because the two in the front were in the act of trying to hide the coke when the cops happened upon them.

6:10 - There's a moment in the "It's always Sunny" commericals they keep running where one dude screams. It's a lot louder than everything else and it's really annoying.

6:10 - Some guy has a gun.

6:12 - Some guy who may or may not have a gun is apprehended and threatens to sue the officers if the violate his rights. They feel he has an attitude, so they cart him outside. He has a foul mouth.

6:14 - Drugs are found in his pocket. He claims he just got out of the hospital and asks that the officer remove his knee from his back. He tells them the dope is part of his religion, Jah Rastafari, etc. They put him in a squad car and tell him he'll be charged with possesion and resisting. They talk to the guy who called the cops in the beginning, who says he threatened to kill everyone in the building.

6:15 - He's in the squad car trying to kick out the window. The cops drag him out. He tells them he'll show them he doesn't give a fuck. He's earned himself some foot restraints. He threatens to sue them again.

6:21 - They're following a car when someone tosses something out the window. If you sold cars with holes in the bottom you'd be rich. After disposing of their whatever, the car pulls over.

6:22 - The car is searched. The man claims he threw a cigarette out the window earlier. The cops find what was thrown out. It appears to be crack.

6:24 - The man is sticking with the cigarette story. The cop explains to him the reality of how well that holds up in court, and suggests he comes clean.

6:26 - The man's friend confirms the story that the man's mother is crippled. Because of this, they're nice enough not to impound his car. So that when he bails out, he can still use it to help out his mother.

6:29 - Unaltered credits this time. The theme is performed by "Inner Circle."

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6:30 - Another episode of Cops starts.

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6:31 - A man with a knife on a bicycle. That's pretty good already. He's riding through the parking lot.

6:31 - This is the man getting wrestled off his bike from the opening credits. It's even better than I imagined it being. He screams like a woman.

6:33 - RELAX! STOP RESISTING! This is a common occurance on cops. 6 cops pile on to one guy, and the each grab something. An arm, put a knee to the shoulder, whatever. Then two of the cops try to position the arms for handcuffs, but since there's four other guys hanging on, the arms don't really move that well. Then the cops yell STOP RESISTING and just pull harder. And the guy goes I'M NOT OH GOD and the whole thing gets crazier. Sometimes guys get maced because they can't move their arms into position so that's resisting. I don't fault the police, they handle things the way they do for a reason, but it's unfortunate.

6:35 - A witness in the store recounts tales of the young man licking the knife, and sitting behind the dumpster.

6:37 - I'm curious as to what the law broken here was, besides resisting/obstruction/failure to obey a lawful order/etc. They don't say anything about what he's going to be charged with.

6:40 - Again with the screaming. I hate this fucking show.

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6:40 - This officer of the law prefers his job to staring at a monitor all day.

6:41 - They're following a vehicle because the operator was urinating or something. I didn't quite catch all of it. They pull a traffic stop, but then it turns into a half-felony stop. It's sloppy is what it is. This is one of the dudes from the credits wearing panties.

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6:44 - They search the vehicle while they ask him why he took off running.

6:45 - The police man is confused as to why the man would be dressed like he is, and why he would urinate in a parking lot that had two police cars parked in it.

6:47 - The man claims his friend gave him permission to use the truck. When contacted, the owner of the truck denies doing such. And just like that, he's charged with Grand Theft Auto.

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6:51 - Some guy is drunk. He wants his tenant evicted because said tenant causes problems between him and his old lady.

6:52 - Said old lady takes the cop on a tour of the drunk's destruction.

6:54 - They arrest the drunk because he prevented the lady from leaving, and that's called 'false imprisonment.' It turns out the tenant is a stand-up guy and he acts as a witness to the false imprisonment.

6:56 - The drunk might be starting to cry, I can't exactly tell.