Progressive Boink

[Jim]

Dear Justin,

where da job at, whoadie?

Jim

[Duzzy Funlop]

i will promise to hold organized debates over who the greatest final fantasy villain is.

kefka is the best villain

Are you shitting me? Delita Hyral by a mile. Villains that you can defend the actions of beat the hell out of one-dimensional psychos.

let's go by post count

don't make me come over there

sry i meant ultimecia actually

[DGMacphee]

COVER LETER

dear justin

give me a job you bastard

may the seed of you loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman,
DG



RESUME

employment history

2005-2007 - ceo of boeing aircrafts in a short story i wrote
duties:
- flew airplanes
- landed them safely when the engines broke down
- became a hero
- had sex with all the female flight attendants

2002-2005 - had dream where i was chief of staff to us president mr t
duties:
- assisted in development of pitying fools policy
- ordered detention of murdoch in guantanamo bay on the charge of "being a crazy fool"
- organised $1.3bn in funding of milk purification program

1998-2002 - accountant for nigerian national petroleum corporation (nnpc)
duties:
- CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY
- TRANSFERED THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO ACCOUNTS FROM A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.
- THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.


qualifications

2004-2006 - bachelor of getting drunk on friday nights and challenging people to fight
achievements:
- completed over 600 successful masturbations after being slapped in the face by women who i asked if they'd like to "get the leg over"


references

mum
3811 2013

queensland police
000

justin
justin@progressiveboink.com

[webber Cooledge]

once i can figure out what the queensland area code is i am totally ringing your mum

[Justin]

DG,

I don't know what you hope to gain by insulting me in your cover letter, but it won't be a job here.

Best regards,
Justin

[Kristen Smith]

your phone numbers are 8 numbers long?

[Alan]

Dear Justin:

I am writing this cover letter to inquire about the position currently available in your fine establishment. I believe I not only fit the job description but will be wholly able to perform my duties with the utmost precision.

I have much to offer you in terms of skills and know-how. I am well versed in many forms of administration and believe in keeping things running smoothly. I have the experience and drive to manage this forum effectively and properly, as I have been a reliable visitor to this website for many years now. Attached you will find my resumé which speaks highly of my various levels of training and experience.

I look forward to hearing from you. I will follow up in one week's time if I do not receive word on your end.


Respectfully Yours,

Alan Edward Johnson



Resumé:

Alan Edward Johnson

Address:
**** **th Ave S
Lethbridge, AB, T1K ***
(***) ***-2447

OBJECTIVE

To gain experience and to learn new skills.

EDUCATION

University of Lethbridge 2003-present
• Studying to achieve B.F.A. (Dramatic Arts)
• Performed in the play ‘Uncle Vanya’ Fall 2003
• Performed in the play 'The Lark' Spring 2007

Lethbridge Collegiate Institute 2000-2003
• High School Diploma
• Performed in numerous plays, including ‘Pinnochio’ and ‘The Wizard of Oz’
• Participated in the Provincial One-Act Play Festival in 2002 and 2003

SKILLS

• Typing
• Computer skills
• Math
• Guitar

EXPERIENCE

Future Shop Canada, Entertainment Associate, Lethbridge, AB April 2006 – present
• Entertainment Associate (Music, Movies, Games)

A&B Sound/Seanix, Sales Consultant, Lethbridge, AB August 2004 – April 2006
• Personal Electronics Salesperson
• Operations Shipper/Receiver
• Software Associate
• Cashier

Movie Gallery Inc., Senior CSA, Lethbridge, AB July 2003 – March 2005
• Opener/Closer
• Rented out/Checked in movies
• Performed Courtesy Calls
• Cleaned store on regular basis – vacuum, mop, straighten etc.

Famous Players Theatres, Projectionist, Lethbridge, AB, 2001 - 2003
• Prepared film for showings, operated projector
• Made up/Broke down film reels
• Sold Food/Beverages from Concession
• Sold Tickets/Gift Certificates for shows

HONORS

Josh Wilson Drama Award 2003

[webber Cooledge]

• Opener/Closer
• Performed Courtesy Calls
• Cleaned store on regular basis – vacuum, mop, straighten etc.

these will come in handy

[DGMacphee]

DG,

I don't know what you hope to gain by insulting me in your cover letter, but it won't be a job here.

Best regards,
Justin

okay, i will be polite

give me a job you bastard PLEASE

[Kristen]

justin i double dog dare you to make me mod

that's so crazy it just might work

[Whittle]

A vote for Whittle is a vote for no more "I'm explaining my joke do you like my joke" posts.

[Kyle]

just rehire The President Admin

[Neil]

hey justin i have experience moderating on an internet forum with over 4000 registered users and i am a security guard working midnights in the middle of detroit, unarmed. at least three people were stabbed in detroit in the time it took for me to write this post. i am also prepared to go into canada and fuck those guys up at any point.

i believe these things qualify me for the position, despite the disregard for proper formatting of my application

[Kirbyoto]

sorry neil justin prefers bureaucracy over merit

[Hanstock]

dear justin i am in fact hermes conrad please hire me

[Kyle]

dear justin i am in fact herpes simplex one please hire me

[Matt W]

Justin hire me and I will give you all of my World of Warcraft gold it's almost 3,000

[Justin]

i'm not hiring anyone else as a mod. i just wanted to see if i could get you fucken nerds to post your resumes for a chance to WIELD POWER ON THE INTERNET

[Bismark]

I'm fucken herpes duplex

[Casey]

yeah he never said anything about making the applicants a mod you guys, what the fuck