Progressive Boink

[B]

Hi everyone, this is B, and I've taken a break from Myspace long enough to clean up my apartment and give you a guided tour of my apartment! Please come with me into my apartment! where I live

I have lived in "Bedford Green Apartments" in Bedford, Ohio, a suburb of Cleveland, since June of 2006. My girlfriend lives here and I am one loose baby away from being Nomad, so moving to people is what I do. I would take a picture of the outside, but right now one of the (several) fat white women who dates a lanky black guy on my hallway is breaking up with him. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE." followed by "YOU CHEATED ON ME BITCH" followed by "YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS UP," then immediately another "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE." It looks like an apartment building you guys, it should be fine



The Living Room

this is where I do a majority of my living, because it is my goal to clearly differentiate rooms by their names. It is pretty big, which is nice, because I pay about a billion dollars for it.



The computer area, where the magic would happen if I wasn't always tearing my face out trying to write. The pictured Spider-Spud was a gift from Mike Westfall (MikeWestfall.com)'s girlfriend Karen, who is awesome and great and well hell you've read that before. The dog is Ein from Cowboy Bebop, because I am secretly an even bigger nerd than you know. The vfucking chinaman writing in the corner is the bottom of my signed ROH in Japan poster which I will not repost a picture of for fear of Jim or whoever saying I've got a Roderick Strong autograph.



This is the very important opposite wall, which has three of my prized possessions. A wall scroll from my childhood home on Glendale Avenue (which I believe shows up in one of the pictures if you check my article about it), the bowl of my kitty Shelton who passed away way too soon, and my Buck O'Neil autograph.



Here is a picture of my Bill Hanstock Memorial "Not Good Enough" DVD rack, and some of the posters on my living room wall. The one on the left is obviously the Scarlett Johansson Lost in Translation B poster, the one on the right is an original one-sheet for Akira Kurosawa's Dreams. Below them is my couch, which is torn to shit for whatever reason.

A closer look at the top of the DVD shelves reveals



From left to right: A Twiddlebug, Jabberjaw, a racist Native American bobblehead from the Dollar Duz It, Snagglepuss, a good luck cat from vfucking china, Mayor McCheese, the Dwight Schrute mini-bobblehead, Duffman, James E. Cornette, and a Dundie Award.

Also pictured: A DVD copy of "The Bear"



The far corner, with Breakfast at Tiffany's and Imagine movie posters. There's also a small corner of my love seat (for love) and my air conditioning vent thing. On top of that, from left to right, is a picture of me with my Grandmother, a picture of my old townhouse in Lynchburg, a big knock-off bootleg Pac-Man pillow, and the first two of several randomly hung and placed wrestling masks: The Hurricane, and Shark Boy. There's also an ironing board down there somewhere, but what the fuck is an ironing board



Down that wall is the Wii, the Wii-CR, the Wii-V with Wii-VD recorder, and all of my remaining DVDs. Those have nothing to do with the Wii.

The first DVD rack's top 2 shelves are T-Z alphabetically, the third rack are all the TV DVDs that won't fit on the second rack there, and the bottom two are wrestling DVDs. The second rack is full of TV DVDs which ends up being all we watch, because we've got everything released so far for shows like Arrested Development, the Simpsons, South Park, King of the Hill, 24, Justice League, the bootleg cosplay Sailor Moon show from Japan, and a DVD boxed set of Gallagher. He's MELON CRAZY you know. CRAZY FOR MELONS. And this is Gallagher 1, fuck that fucking Gallagher 2.



Above those racks is one of the most special places in the house: a display for two pieces of art I've received for my work on Progressive Boink. An original painting from Alicia (be nice to her you jerks) and a Hobbes B = Best piece from Karen. Think of it as my own Cubicle of Honor.

Please click your projector forward one frame to move on to the next room

*beep*

[B]

The hallway (what I have of one, because I have a one-bedroom apartment that costs me like two billion dollars a month) is dedicated to many of my signed photos and tickets from professional wrestling shows and events, because, little known fact, I am a fan of the professional wrestling!



The breakfast bar (too small for a man's breakfast) features, from right to left: CIMA, Genki Horiguchi, Dragon Kid, Ryo Saito, Mick Foley (as seen in the B = Best!!11 Gallery), Masato Yoshino, Jim Cornette, Naruki Doi, and the two very macabre autographed tickets from Armageddon 2002: Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. Eesh.

Beneath that is a lightswitch, which can be used to turn on and off the lights of the hallway!



Across the hall, from right to left, top row: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, a polaroid of me and Lindy with Rick Steiner, a polaroid of me with Tracy Smothers post-having told him about watching him wrestle a bear, Stacy Lawler (who was my friend when I lived in Naples Florida), two Jimmy Snuka polaroids, and the motherfucking BARBARIAN. He wrote PEACE on his autograph. WHAT KIND OF BARBARIAN ARE YOU THE BARBARIAN.

Bottom row, left to right: Mickey "The Dragon" Mantle, those pictures of me as a kid with the Rock n' Roll Express, that picture of me as a fat guy with my sassy dream bride Nellie McKay, and Curry Man, the best wrestler to ever wrestle with a plate of food sewn to his head.



Across from THAT is the little wall before you get into the bathroom, which is a spot reserved for only the very most important pictures. So far there are only two: Bruno Sammartino and Kenta Kobashi. Misawa is going to go on that wall in November. EEEE

The bathroom is pretty bathroomy and speaks for itself, so here is a picture of my terlet and the awesome Happy Animals shower curtain currently being disputed in the Top 5 of Anything Thread in the Lists of Shit forum.



It goes really well with my Happy Octopus wastebin.

[Maynard,]

You have The Bad Sleep Well, 8 1/2 and Beauty and the Beast (the only version that matters) which means you're all right with me.

[B]

quick guys guess what a kitchen is for



I'm not going to open my fridge for people like the rich folk do on the real Cribs because you REALLY don't want to go in there (just playing a role here, it's just foam takeout boxes and Mountain Dew), but this is the front of my fridge. I'm terrified to decorate it ever since I dated a Wiccan who had magazine pages with shit like Ani Difranco and Marilyn Manson frenching a black dude torn out and pasted on her fridge, but here's what I've done in my year+ in Cleveland.

Featured items on the fridge include luchador magnets, a picture of my family, Regina Spektor tickets, a WWF New York magnet, and tickets to Cleveland's CARNIVAL OF HORRORS where I have the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet and be photographed with the guy who played Leatherface and the guy who played Pinhead!



and also the less interesting aspects of my kitchen, but there's an almost empty bottle of Three Olives Cherry vodka and a microwave oven I occasionally use for cooking food



If you looked closely at one of the hallway pictures you could see more lucha masks on top of the cabinets, and the kitchen is where I store the "meat" and "potatoes" of my "collection." From left to right is La Parka, Blue Demon, Rey Mysterio Jr., the red and green Ultimo Dragon masks you've probably seen on this site before, Tiger Mask, and Curry Man.

Hanging across from them are



Blue Panther, Mil Mascaras, Psicosis, Ultimo Guerrero, and, uh, Chris Benoit again. Eesh.

Below those are the only even remotely tasteful decorations in my kitchen, the original black and white cover photo for Seven Hill City and a framed picture of my Grandmother laughing.

[Karen]

I love that you have photos everywhere....
...and stuff from me!!!!!!!

This is a fun way to spend a Saturday night... chatting with you online, getting a tour of your apartment, looking up teaching stuff... Ok, well the first two things are fun!

[B]

And finally (thank God), the bedroom! THIS IS WHERE ALL OF THE MAGICKS HAPPEN



I have a picture of a polar bear wearing a hockey jersey with a big "B" on it nailed to my bedroom door because I'm an only child and dammit give me some of those simple pleasures. Also because I am a total goon.



This is where I sleep, using my bed. Highlights from the bookshelf include the autographed Tiger Mask shootfighting book purchased for me by our own Peter Holby, the Ayako Hamada joshi nudie-book purchased for me by our own Peter Holby, and a copy of "ROCK THIS!" by Chris Rock. I also have the Bible storybook my great grandmother read to me from when I was little and the Complete Calvin and Hobbes, so if my house catches fire I'm basically carrying that whole g-d bookcase down a flight of stairs.

At the end of my bed is a dresser, a big poster of Claude Monet's Crepusculo, and my housed pet!



This is my cat Jumbo Tsuruta, leaving his bed to mess up my shot and find out what the hell I'm doing laying on the bed taking pictures at all sorts of weird angles. He spent the next five minutes making biscuits on my face and trying to eat my camera. So here is a picture of him crotch-chopping to bring this episode of Cribs to an end.



Thank you for visiting my "crib," and to all of you who have never visited (which is everybody who will be reading this besides Lindy, Emily, Fireball, and Alicia, and maybe Alicia's friend Danielle I think, I mean unless my Mom and Dad are visiting the forum) you are welcomed to come and stay and experience the Good Magicks that go on in the bedroom and in all of my apartment's crevices.

Discuss/post your own/do whatever!

NOW GET OUT OF HERE~!

[Kyle]

straighten that lamp shade

[Karen]

Someday I will experience the Magickss.

I love that you are a total goon, by the way.

[B]

You have The Bad Sleep Well, 8 1/2 and Beauty and the Beast (the only version that matters) which means you're all right with me.

And Back to School! Thanks friend

That DVD copy of Beauty and the Beast is one of the most valuable things I own, because just having it sitting there gives me a Baron Mordo-esque ability to control women. Couple that with a copy of The Last Unicorn and you've got yourself a megaton cultural roofie.

[Andy]

hey bra nice pad but riddle me this

WHERE IS YOUR ALL PURPOSE DRAWER




THIS IS WHAT DEFINES A PERSON, B

[emily]

Roughly 35% of your apartment was purchased by me, it would seem.

[B]

straighten that lamp shade

sorry bro

[Alicia]

I love that you have photos everywhere....
...and stuff from me!!!!!!!

Yes! I love the wall with Seven Hill City cover/Grandma B laughing.

I'd like to point out how HUGE B's wall is with my painting, apparently, because that painting isn't that small. It kind of makes me want to paint something on a huge canvas to put up there now. Ha.

Oh, new chair! I'm jealous.

I love the new bathroom stuff too.

I love love love the Monet painting. And I may be allergic to that cat (who had to stay at Lindy's when I was there), but it is an awesome cat.

Excellent post. Would read again.

P.S. Nice Indians hat, yo.

[Maynard,]

And Back to School! Thanks friend

That DVD copy of Beauty and the Beast is one of the most valuable things I own, because just having it sitting there gives me a Baron Mordo-esque ability to control women. Couple that with a copy of The Last Unicorn and you've got yourself a megaton cultural roofie.

I had no idea that Beauty and the Beast gave one such powers. I should have kept my oop edition for twice the women controlling that I have now.

[B]

hey bra nice pad but riddle me this

WHERE IS YOUR ALL PURPOSE DRAWER




THIS IS WHAT DEFINES A PERSON, B

It is the drawer right next to the refrigerator. It currently contains:

- hammer + nails
- extra blank checks (like the film)
- 1 1/2 inch fasteners
- rubber gloves
- a pink Hello Kitty case for holding chopsticks
- envelopes
- menus for takeout chinease
- contact lense accessories
- magic markers

and the like

[Neil]

Is that bedspread reversible

[webber Cooledge]

is the chair closest to the camera from ikea, because if so we are chair buddies

[Kyle]

straighten that lamp shade

sorry bro

THANK you

[Andy]

hey bra nice pad but riddle me this

WHERE IS YOUR ALL PURPOSE DRAWER




THIS IS WHAT DEFINES A PERSON, B

It is the drawer right next to the refrigerator. It currently contains:

- hammer + nails
- extra blank checks (like the film)
- 1 1/2 inch fasteners
- rubber gloves
- a pink Hello Kitty case for holding chopsticks
- envelopes
- menus for takeout chinease
- contact lense accessories
- magic markers

and the like

are you telling me there are no batteries what the hell kind of person are you

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your terlet paper is too close to the ground