**OnlineHost** You have entered the Atlanta Braves Spring Training chatroom.

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /takes batting practice

beeeeooooOOOPP***

bobby-coxer: Hampton! What's wrong? What are you doing?

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /motionless

bobby-coxer: /gives a few solid thumps to the ribcage

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /spits out can of Mr. Pibb

SchuerholzInCharge: Bobby, wait. Here, I've got a crisp one.

/feeds dollar bill into mouth

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: whirrrrrr

/CMOS speaker beeps

hey guys

bobby-coxer: What the hell? You're getting millions of dollars to play this year. Surely we've paid you up.

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: Batting practice is extra. I thought you knew.

bobby-coxer: Yeah, but you're already a good enough hitter for a pitcher. Once your career batting average is around Adam Dunn's you can officially stop.

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: All right, well I recalculated the numbers and I'm going to have to go ahead and sit out for two more months

bobby-coxer: You know what? I'm thirsty, and we've got to put you to use somehow, so fuck it. Just spit out what we've paid you in Coke cans and we'll call it even.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: I wouldn't recommend it. We've paid him about $44 million for time in which he either didn't pitch or won't pitch because he'll have to have Tommy John surgery on his ass or something.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: You figure a can of Coke costs 75 cents...a Coke can is almost five inches tall...yeah, stacked end-to-end. that trail of cans would reach from our spring training facility here in Orlando to the People's Democratic Republic of Algeria. Seriously.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Anyway, I've got to go cross-train. Time to swim a few laps in my slightly less cushiony pool of money. Don't look at me if you need a crisp dollar bill so he can crap his pants, mine are all crinkly thanks to my furious breaststroke. Laters.

bobby-coxer: Jesus! What the hell do you have to say for yourself?

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /motionless

bobby-coxer: YOU SON OF A BITCH I'LL GET SOME PITCHING OUT OF YOU

/rocks back and forth

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /tips over

/falls on Chipper Jones' ankle

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: FUUUUUCK

bobby-coxer: this is a bunch of crapshit