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**OnlineHost** You have entered the Atlanta Braves chatroom. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Time for your annual review, Mike. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /silence |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Mike? Hello? I'm talking to you. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /silence |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Oh, right.
/feeds $100 bill into mouth |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
/PC startup noises
Oh hello, Mr. Schuerholz! |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Mike, I'm glad we finally have a chance to sit down and talk. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Thanks to the obscenely huge and disproportionate salary of yours we inherited from the Rockies, we ended up paying you $14,475,185 last year. That's the seventh-highest in baseball. You were paid more than Albert Pujols. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: That's ridiculous on its own. Even if you had played a full season, that divides out to half a million dollars per game. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: Yeah, when the Rockies offered that deal they structured it around the idea that I'd get $10,000 for every time I was able to throw the ball without it drifting straight into the heavens like a balloon let go by a careless child at a county fair. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Well, here's the problem, Mike. You didn't play a single game. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
Well you know, that's a good pointbzzzzz*boop!* |
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SchuerholzInCharge: /sigh
/feeds $5 bill into mouth |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /spits out |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Damn it.
/re-inserts $5 bill face-up |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
voooOOOOOP
/Max Headroom noises, etc |
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SchuerholzInCharge: I brought you here to help me fill out the ledger. I need to figure out exactly what I was paying you for. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: Well, I usually piss four or five times a day, so there's that.
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SchuerholzInCharge: Okay, got it. How many shits would you say you took? |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: Once every five days or so. I tried my best to stick with my normal pitching schedule. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Number of hours you spent in your home trying to stand up a mostly-empty can of Coke on its diagonal while our pitching rotation faltered and doomed us to our first losing record since Axl Rose was culturally relevant? |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: probably about 700 |
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SchuerholzInCharge: All right, thank you. |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: i spilled so much drink that you would not believe how much drink i spilled |
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SchuerholzInCharge: If I may.
/deposits two cents |
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SchuerholzInCharge: I know you probably had a great time last year, but it's time to think about your team. Your arm's fully recovered from surgery and if our team's going to bounce back this year, you're going to have to return to top form. |
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SchuerholzInCharge: Mike.
Mike, are you listening? |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /silence |
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SchuerholzInCharge: SON OF A BITCH |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
CONTINUE?
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
GAME OVER |
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O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS |
