**Online Host**
Extra! Extra!

BigSugarRay: Is Angelina getting Dangerously Thin? Plus! Tammy Faye Messner's dying wish: my rich husband should have more wristwatches!

DevonAir: But first... Big Bad Bobby Jenks! On a rocket to stardom after making the All Star Team, this heavyweight champion is at the very top - of the record books! "Wags" is "no dog!"

BigSugarRay: /walks toward camera

On August 10th, the plump producer of wind in the Windy City retired his 38th batter in a row, oh, and you might have heard of him... his first and last name is Ichiro!

DevonAir: /stands amidst rotating graphics

That tied the American League record for most consecutive hitters retired in a row, a record previous owned by, oh, who knows, let's say Puff Diddy!

BigSugarRay: But he didn't stop there! The blimpy Bobby retired three Seattle Mariners to tie the MAJOR League record of 41 consecutive hitters retired, a record set by Jim Barr, a man who you have to do pull ups on when you are in high school.

DevonAir: Our correspondents caught up with the Stocky Sock as he and gal-pal Lily Allen exited Le Passage after a WILD night of partying!

Penacoli_Florida: Thanks Dayna, thanks faggot guy from Sugar Ray! That's right, I was on the steps of the famous Le Passage night club in downtown Chicago to ask BOBBY... about his HOBBY!

**Online Host**
Last night, with the shakiest camera in history

Penacoli_Florida: Bobby! Bobby Jenks! Jerry Penacoli, Extra~!

mr_jenks: /stumbles out of nightclub wearing aviator sunglasses in the middle of the night

what

who is

wooooooooo

/flashbulbs

LilyOfTheGoddamnField: why don't you facking leave us alone you facking parasite i will facking cat you you facking pace of shat

Penacoli_Florida: I wanted to get a word with you regarding your MAJOR league accomplishment! Hopefully my interview won't "Jenks" you!

LilyOfTheGoddamnField: your a facking joke you cacksacking papper rotzy cant /barfs, collapses

mr_jenks: lily where did i put my second born child, i tied him to the top of the range rover when we went in

mr_jenks: oh, hey, there are several cameras on me

mr_jenks: i'd like to take this opportunity to say that

/hoists drink

SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS A TIRE CROTCH

LilyOfTheGoddamnField: /is cool, apparently

Penacoli_Florida: You heard it first on Extra, Bobby Jenks, commenting on the tire treads featured on actress ScarJo's vagina!

BigSugarRay: Thanks, Jerry! I bet SCARJo will be writing about THAT in her The Nanny Diaries!

DevonAir: /approaches flat screen TV floating in mid-air

And speaking of grotesque bloodholes, Lily Allen's overseas rival singer Amy Winehouse is attacking Allen's new beau... with arrows!

BigSugarRay: Sources for Extra say that the "Rehab" No-noer is saying "yes yes" to Bobby's teammate and good friend Jim Thome! Sources have spotted the two canoodling at another Chicago hotspot, the one house where they filmed the establishing shots for Family Matters!

**Online Host**
EXTRA! EXTRA!

WordUpThome: THIS IS THAT ONE HOUSE WHERE THEY FILMED THE ESTABLISHING SHOTS FOR FAMILY MATTERS

/points out house like Vanna White

ArcheryVinyard: blabber blabber bowlshhit innit

/does 8 lines of coke simultaneously

WordUpThome: DURING THE SIGNATURE THEME IT TOOK THE WHOLE FAMILY TO BARRICADE THE DOOR AND PREVENT STEVE URKEL FROM ENTERING

EACH MEMBER OF THE FAMILY MATTERED IN THAT SITUATION

WordUpThome: WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THE ROSIN BAG IN YOUR NOSE THAT DUST IS FOR YOUR HAMBONES

ArcheryVinyard: borch an oh, ain it, enno, blabber blabber esshhhh

WordUpThome: THAT IS SOME STRAIGHT UP RODGER MCDOWELL BULLCORN RIGHT THERE, I ONCE SAW THAT KNUCKLE-HEAD WEAR HIS SHIRT ON HIS LEGS AND WEAR HIS BRITCHES ON HIS TOR-SO

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL GENERAL HABERDASHERY