Jon.

You know, it's funny. It's sort of tough to write about one's self when

Jon, don't you dare start off your profile by musing about how hard it is to write about yourself, you fuck.

Right.

My name's Jon Bois. Spell it out loud. Bee-owe-eye-ess. Every time I try to annunciate it for the UPS guy at work, and every time he spells it in the keyboard B-O-Y-S. And every time, some ass yells, "Aren't you going to ask what brown can do for you?" and I feel a little bit more gay. But you know, it used to be kind of a cool name. In kindergarten, when we had the Boys vs. Girls wars during recess, I would stand on top of the monkey bars and yell, "MY NAME IS JONATHAN BOIS! KING OF ALL BOYS!" and demand that everyone address me as "commander". But nobody listened, and then I fell off the monkey bars, landed on my face, crawled under the slide and started to cry. Then I would mumble about moving to Australia until it was time to go back inside and cry some more because I couldn't use right-handed scissors.

My name can also fit on a personalized license plate, which would be a plus if I were one of those jackasses who buys personalized license plates.

Well, hell. There's nothing I can really tell you about myself that you can't read on the back of my baseball card.  If you clipped it to your bicycle spokes, shot BBs at it or engaged in other acts of tomfoolery, I scanned it for your viewing pleasure.

JON BOIS, second base, ProgressiveBoink

BATS: Left

THROWS: Left

BORN: September 24, 1982, Kansas City, Kansas

LIVES: Louisville, KY

WORKS:  Radio Shack

FAVORITE MOVIE: The Shawshank Redemption

FAVORITE MUSIC ARTISTS: Radiohead, Coldplay, The Foo Fighters, Linkin Park, The Dave Matthews Band, Tupac Shakur, Incubus, John Mayer, Nappy Roots

FAVORITE TV SHOW: 24

FAVORITE VIDEO GAME: Deus Ex

HEROES: Jon Stewart, Adam Carolla, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Grohl, Tupac, Conan O'Brian, Jerry Seinfeld

HATES: Every R&B group that's been played on the radio in the last ten years, 50 Cent, Godsmack, Ja Rule, Martin Lawrence, classic rock, potato soup, the letter Y

STATISTICS

After a stint in the minor-league forums on Whatever-Dude.com, "Boiskov" started his own site, backwords.150m.com. It won critical acclaim, but was doomed to failure because of the free server, which would crash the site if it received more than four hits a day. Jon finally got his shot at the big time at www.whatever-dude.com, where the high-powered offense of Jon, Paul and Mickey was enough to capture the AL East title. After the season, Jon was picked up by ProgressiveBoink.com in the expansion draft. Says Atlanta pitcher Greg Maddux, "Jon is an incredible competitor, and he is truly an intimidator every time he steps up to the plate. He can pull the ball to any part of the field, and has a real eye for the infield gaps. Too bad he's such a faggot."

It books in the Beckett for 35 cents.  In mint condition, that is.

In case you ever need to visit another website, here are some of my personal favorites.

Something Awful

Homestar Runner

Get Your War On

Fark

And, of course, Whatever-Dude

But until then, get out there and read some articles.   And tell 'em Jon sent you.  Don't feel bad if they don't answer back; it's just their way.

-Jon.
[email protected]

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